A Healing & Informative Site About Narcissistic Sociopaths

Who Am I ?


Where did I go? Who is this person I have become? How did ONE person take ME away from myself?

This is what happens when we become involved with a sociopath, psychopath and/or narcissist. Unbeknownst to us our whole world is silently being stripped away by the devils hot embrace. They strip away our peace, our happiness,and at times our sanity to feed their sick minds!

Life as we knew it PRIOR to the socio will never be the same. We now have to learn to trust again. We have to learn to love again. We have to find peace of mind again. But first, we have to overcome the FEAR that was placed in us. This is not fear of something you see. This is FEAR placed in our minds by the sociopath to gain the control they had. Were you ever Threatened if you did not comply with their demands? Were you told you would loose something {or someone} if you continued to ‘act’ how you did? Were you afraid if you defended yourself {words and/or actions}, it would set the sociopath off into a narcissistic rage? Were you afraid of losing your Sociopath because you love(d) them so much and you know/knew they love(ed) you back if you just act right? Did you watch an innocent child’s life ruined by the evil mind of a sociopath/psychopath? Did you find yourself silently pleading with God, please stop this crazy shit from happening? How many FEARS did your sociopath, psychopath place in you?

All men and women who were with a Sociopath are left to wonder ‘what happened to me’, ‘what did I do to deserve this’. YOU did NOTHING! It was the UNLUCKIEST day of your life the moment you met them. Because we do not have a do-over button, we have to first recognize it IS NOT and WAS NOT something we did to deserve what happened. This is who we were, innocent people falling right into the blind trap set by the evil of a Narcissistic Sociopath.

Overcoming the fear is a constant daily struggle. Anything can set the fear foremost in our minds, something as a song, or opening up your email only to see one from your Ex, to being face to face with them {especially those of you with children or other circumstances}. Fear is laying in bed at night wondering ‘will I ever be ME again? Fear is, trusting no one! Fear is, will I ever have peace? Fear is, will I be able to love again? Fear is, will I live in fear the rest of my life?


20 Responses to “Who Am I ?”

  1. jayrbee

    Excellent blog; I’m glad I stumbled across it whilst reading the comments of another blogger! As much as I wish that no one would ever endure this type of relationship, it helps knowing there are others out there that have had similar experiences to mine.

    For me, it’s like a living nightmare: Almost 20 years of my life were erased with a handful of good lies (always partial truths) and years upon years of clever deception for the sole purpose of being able to put me where I am should the time ever come (paranoid schizophrenia).

    What hurts most is the loss of my kids and the way she’s manipulated them towards that end. I knew full well what she was and what she was capable of (within reason…..she has vastly exceeded what even I thought possible), but I never thought she’d use the kids and place my daughter with her pedo/rapist father. Like I said, it’s a nightmare and I can’t wake up…..

    Liked by 1 person

    • Tela

      Thank you Jay for you comment. Is your daughter in the home with her grandfather (pedo/rapist) or a step-father? Has this person been convicted of a crime in that sense? If so, how do you not have any recourse for getting her out of that environment? Like you said, being involved with a Sociopath is a living nightmare….and so difficult to wake up from! Welcome to my blog! If you have any questions please feel free to email me at TelaHill1@gmail.com


  2. david

    Tela, your blog is out of the ordinary. It’s like reading my life story. How do you know all you write about? Did you study it school, or you experienced it first hand? From which school did you graduate? Do you have a private practice?

    Liked by 2 people

  3. afterthepsychopath

    Your blog is a gem.

    Thank you for continuing writing about narcissists/psychopaths/sociopaths even after you – hopefully – are slowly healing. This blog meant the world to me when I first started learning about what I had gone through, and I hope it will help many more people.

    I sometimes think I should stop writing, to not rip up in bad feelings and trigger PTSD anxieties, but I keep writing in case I one day get to help others the way you helped me. Truly inspirational. Thank you.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Tela

      Thank you for your kind comment. I think each person writes for a different reason. Personally, once you work through what happened, let it go, face the PTSD head-on you will look at things differently. I am still here, I am a good person. Your in a difficult situation as you were victimized not only emotionally, mentally, physically but also financially. And the fact that you don’t even know if he was who he said he was. If the writing helps you, do it! And I am sure you are helping other’s who are where you have been. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      • wendy eaton

        yes their writing just helped me, bigtime, 1st time on site, came across that and immediately thought, you mean, someone else knows its all about the triggers and that pstd is more real and horrible than one could imagine…talking or thinking about it brings me back there and all the repressed feelings that i completely disassociated from at the actual moment, floods my being and that damn fight or flight kicks in and doesnt just shut off simply because my logical mind knows im not in present danger, my body doesnt know the difference, the pstd is isolating enough, and although the memories come back in crystal clear details, my hyper verbal gets all over the place, scattered thoughts…geez, then i sound crazy, which is even more isolating, another accomplished goal of the sociopath still snowballing me 2 yrs later. So wish i could afford a real psychologist like the ones in the 80s, that dealt with the root of a problem, if I had taken advantage of one offered to me back then, maybe i wouldnt have remained in abusive relationships , each one getting worse, my whole life…..making me the perfect candidate for this particular sociopath….and i was already completely programmed to block out trauma when i arrived into that……woooah….i still think the alarm clock is gonna go off and it really was all just a bad dream, would love to know if anyone else can relate to what i wrote, since like most of us, helping others helps me heal and gives some purpose to what happened. My passionate desire to help even just one person, is one of the 2 things i clung to survive, and I mean clung, sometimes by a thread..I had lost so much weight in such a short time, i was withering away behind closed doors, eating all day long and was down to 78, 2 big mistakes, i had isolated myself right out of a support system so when for the first time in my life i needed one there was none because i hadnt nutured one and the fact that i waited so long to reach out, until it was so bad and i was so sick, i could barely talk a straight sentence, i did not sound like me and was in a panic to live, it sounded like crazy garble over the phone and my own family didnt take it seriously or believe me, and thought maybe for some unlikely reason i suddenly went coo coo bird….they had no idea what i looked like, they wouldnt have recognized me…i know one thing, they sure would have taken one look at me, and said she needs hospital now, and deal with the rest after, i would have probably gotten some nutrients, rest without a violent maniac in my face, and the start of a support system…..well another couple years went by after that and it went on and on and one day what i could not do for myself was done for me and the person got arrested, no act of mine, tho for assaulting me, was arrested looking all biz like and proper, so not, and i have been safe from this person since. HOWEVER, staying anotha 2 yrs..well,, i will do my best but will never be the same…peace to all


  4. a

    Oh my… I just stumbled across this blog last night and cannot stop reading. Yes, I fell for one of these a-holes, yes, I am heart-broken, yes, the smear campaign has made my life hell. Why oh why??? I used to be a whole person, fun, happy, successful, I fell for the charms of one of these idiots and my world is not the same. Please keep writing, keep blogging… your writing has been so healing to me. I’m trying to get on with my life and forget the moron… hard when you really fell in love with someone. Of course, he seems as happy and jolly as can be!!! (Please tell me this is all a lie)

    Liked by 1 person

    • wrighternie05

      At this time I have not collected my thoughts, what remains of my sense of self after my ex-girlfriend implemented her pla.

      The events i list below happened over a three week period.

      The idea was for me to move into the new apartment first so the house could be staged to sell, new horizons, promises and goals, the apartment could let us experience and dream of our new tiny home etc.

      The day after I moved in I did my daily online financial check of account balances automatic bill pay etc and every account was empty.

      I called and her number had been disconnected.

      I emailed all day and night with no response until her daughter emailed me saying that ex would no longer respond to any communication fro me that that daughter was no serving as go between.

      I had gone to the house several times but no one had been home or at least no one answered the door.

      One day in this blurred time period I went again and found the entrance way barricaded with boxes along its dies and cc cameras placed to cover the entire front of the house.

      One week later I was served with a protection order, a slush fund for our future savings account had been emptied.

      I called our closest mutual friend and the friend said she was not comfortably talking to me and please do not call again.

      After reading the protection order I emailed her to ask what was going on.

      Three hours later the police came to my apartment and arrested me for violating the protection order.

      I am writing this not to complain about a break up. I am fine and I am doing well recovering from the shock and pain and abandonment and deep, heart wrenching sadness.

      Why I am writing this here…is that I had confronted my ex around 6 months earlier – after having witnessed some behaviors that were so strange and troubling that I researched the details of her emotional states, bursts of anger and strange accusations – with the possibility she may be a covert narcissist.

      From day 1 over ten years earlier ex had talked about her favorite book, bringing it up again and again, “The Drama of the Gifted Child.”

      This book became a frequent hit as I searched for a concept that would encompass all of the behaviors, actions, emotions as best I could describe them and what also came up was a word that I knew only from Greek mythology, narcissist.

      The eureka moment occurred when I had reduced my search criteria to psychological and psychiatric terminology which began bringing up research papers and hits on specific pages of books.

      Then, there it was, several hits, Google entry after Google entry all of which pointed to pages of a book and reviews of a book and articles citing a book, and a Wikipedia term “Narcissistic Parent” which had the same book as a reference and yes, the book was “The Drama of the Gifted Child” .

      I learned that the ex’s favorite book of all time that she used to help her understand herself and also she had said to understand me because she thought we were so similar was a book about the problems a child can develop if brought up by a narcissistic parent.

      Specifically, such a childhood might leave a child with similar tendencies but possibly an introverted type of narcissism that through more research I found is called either inverted or covert narcissism.

      At some point when we were sitting around the dining room table reading and drinking coffee I began to tell her about my new area of interest and how her favorite book had come up as a source of information. She perked up until I mentioned the term narcissism and narcissist parent.

      I told her that I had thought the book would talk about gifted kids misunderstood by the parents or shunned by peers and maybe how they might adapt but was surprised with what I had learned.

      So I asked a question and from this point on my life was never the same.

      What attracted you to this book? Do you think your mother was narcissistic?

      The explosion of anger was brief, a guttural “so you are calling me a narcissist”.

      I could not take my eyes off of her face because something in those words had triggered that question and this was not the person I had known for almost 10 years.

      As I read more and as I observed her day to day I began by feeling foolish then paranoid then frightened.

      One evening in the living room I opened the conversation again asking if she thought that her intense reaction to criticism and admitted need for postive reinforcement and appreciation and something we had discussed repeatedly, he habit of asking for forgiveness and saying she forgave me but then bringing back past grievances with such anger that the forgiveness must not have been real.

      Nothing tremendously interesting was said we just chatted a bit about improving communication but right before I left I looked her in the eyes and asked, “from what I have read you do have most of the characteristics of a covert narcissist and maybe we should find a therapist that specializes in things like that just to see if it helps.”

      I know this sounds like a poorly written horror story but again I got a chill from the look she gave me, said i was going to bed early and would keep the bathroom light on for her.

      After entering the bedroom I had to lock the door. I was so scared and I could almost see her running down the hallway and pushing open the door and doing what? I don’t know but I had to lock that door.

      In seconds she was outside pounding on the door screaming why is this door locked open this door pounding over and over.

      I unlocked the door, opened it and she stood there with another versionj of that new strange face, composed herself and said, “when did we start locking doors? Are you keeping secrets from me?”

      This post is too long already but two more significant conversations, perhaps THE most significant conversations occurred around three months before I found myself alone and confused.

      We had clashed several times while I tried to honestly learn more about her, I did and do, (I think), love her and it hit me that I was not being kind and sensitive when I bought up my new ideas and then bluntly applied them to her.

      I tried another approach which had led me to some self examination because I had some of the characteristic of narcissism and was wondering if this diagnosis might be used by the two of us to go to therapy together and maybe take a look at growing and increasing our mindfulness and understanding of one another.

      That suggestion did not go over well.

      Several screams and yelling sessions happened in just a few days time following this suggestion.

      I was being systematically criticized. Point by point was screamed at me about why I hated her family, why I had lied to niece about what she had said about my mental deficiencies on and on.

      Then I said, “dear, you ARE a covert narcissist because from what I have learned what you are doing now is exactly what a narcissist does when they know that they have been discovered.”

      “Why do you think you asked me to move into your house just after your mother died and why did you scream at me that I would have to tell Stacy to leave and why did you act thr way you did when I told Stacy what you had said and deny it and then tell me not to discuss our relationship with anyone else?”

      “Do you know what narcissistic supply is?” I asked. “A narcissist must have someone who feeds their sense of self with praise in order for them to survive and also someone to criticize and someone they can act superior too and someone they can put down in order to feel better about themselves.”

      Finally I ended with “Why is Stacy here?”

      As I look back now to that moment I think I see the point in time when ruining my life became her project.

      Thank you if you have read this entire post.

      I have decided not to obsess with these experiences and what they mean BUT increasingly I find I do not have to tailor my searches to find references, articles experiences of people who have survived a relationship with a narcissistic.

      Her plan was carefully planned, bloodlessly executed and destroyed my personal life, financial life, my friendships and all relationships I had developed with members of her family one on one.

      She used the law to insure that I can not act.

      The text books say that the victim is made to feel crazy. I feel crazy. They said that the narcissist will wallow in your pain an destruction and will not stop until they see you rendered helpless and when they have their new narcissistic supply trained, ready in place.

      Why is this just now becoming known?

      I am numb, confused and unsure of my ability to be rational as I write this but what I have written is what happened.

      Is this evil?

      Should I continue to fear her?

      I need feedback and a place to discuss this with people who share similar experiences.


      Liked by 2 people

      • Tela

        Thank you for sharing this {and yes I did read the entire post}. As many people can relate to the systematic way she methodically set out to destroy you! I know you feel crazy, but PLEASE understand, you are NOT. Because you have the ability to realize what was happening {and she did not} you have to try and reconcile that she ‘projected’ things onto you that makes you question 1. Am I crazy. 2. Am I also a Narcissistic 3. Am I truly all the horrific things she said I was, and so on. This is the ability of a narcissist and/or sociopath to pull us into their twisted minds and make us question ourselves. The way you described her narcissistic rages is another spot on classic trait! Watching and listening to those rages are so incomprehensible to those of us with rational thinking. I like the way you brought up to her The Book, and then her reaction….once again, another spot on classic trait. Even knowing with certainty, she is in fact a Narcissist, it does not make it any easier to understand how one human being can coldly with such emotional{and financial} brutality destroy another. You are numb because you


        with great emotion the things she said and did. You ask ‘is this evil’…Evil because you shared the hell you went through? There is no evil in that!! As far as ‘fearing her’….that depends on if you still have her in your life, then yes, you should fear her as they have no boundaries. If she is not in your life, there is no fear. You are no longer her supply source, you are no longer her victim. You are a survivor of domestic abuse, that is the harsh reality of it. I wrote a post about Emotional Rape and how the Narcissist attacks our personality rather than our physical self. And that in itself is abuse. I have a sharing page on my blog, if you want to share with us, and hopefully get the feedback to help you through this process. It is a long road…….many set-backs, we find we become so hard on ourselves for letting it happen in the first place. But you know what? You can’t fault yourself for having the feelings you did for her, you cannot fault yourself for wanting to try and make a life together. Your a great person, and you are valued.

        Liked by 1 person

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