I had met the most amazing woman online. We met and within 48 hours we were having the craziest wildest sex I had ever had and being in my late 40’s thought I had hit the fountain of youth. First red flag, after the first night she begged me not to leave though I had to go to work.
Everything clicked like magic, so well so that I even often asked her if someone planted her in my life. Should have gone with my intuition,,too good to be true. All the hopes and dreams clicked. Loved all the same food, activities etc. I always said I would not date a lady with tattoos or smoked and she had and did both. The start of my waiving off signs.
I was told I was the only guy who ever listened to her and since I have a teenage son from a previous marriage we would see each other every other week and it was like two gloves fitting together. She had raised her two girls while going to college and getting her degree and working nights. Was a child model, traveled the world, owned businesses etc. All turned out to be false. Abandoned the kids when they were young, neither daughter speaks to her, no degree, in fact never finished high school, no modeling, whole life she told me about was a lie. Family would not speak with her anymore and she would always say the greatest day in her life would be when her mother died. Her father left when she was a baby and ended up committing suicide when she was in her 20s.
Then the legal problems, FTA’s, drunk driving charges driving without a license and the jail time. Told my son she was away on a trip for 30 days. Had me watch her email, phone and FB page during this time and much to my shock it was all texts, emails and messages to guys talking about having sex with them and her sending pictures of herself or porn. Found 100s of violent sex videos on her phone etc. When confronted she said it was during our small breakups of a day or so and nothing any different than what I was doing.
The drinking was always there and I started participating. Either ended in wild sex or wild arguments that I would wonder what just happened. She would get violent and throw glasses at me, punch me or slap me. She destroyed my work computer and numerous other things and act like nothing happened.
The behaviors started with the rages when her phone wouldn’t work and she would bang it against the dash in the car, walk out of a restaurant if they didn’t greet her right away, walk out of the grocery store if the line was long or the self scanner went to slow leaving the full cart or basket. If I was a minute late to pick her up I was ripped from head to toe. Did I not know what time she got off?? But if I had to wait for her I was just supposed to wait and not complain about it. There were the outbursts at friends that were helping her and found myself lying on her behalf to work and friends. I got her jobs that she would subsequently mess up. I was the only person she could use for a job reference as every job she had ended badly.
She left trips because she felt I was not being respectful, left my work dinners if I did not save a seat next to me, would leave mid conversation with friends and co workers without saying a word. Found myself always having to cover for the question “what happened to your wife/girlfriend. Became isolated from friends and family as she hated half of them.
She wanted to get married so quickly,,I have wanted to be married so I finally gave in after a year and a half of dating. That was 10 months ago.
The abuse/control really kicked in.
If I didn’t answer my phone in 2 minutes when she called she was going to turn the phone off, if I didn’t answer her emails in 2 minutes the internet was going to get turned off. When I didn’t call her one evening when I was at my family reunion she hung up on me the next morning and called me every name in the book and that I didn’t respect her. Booked a separate hotel and still came to my reunion. She would call co workers and tell them to quit calling me or she would turn them in to my superiors. She would leave notes on my neighbors cars without telling me, telling them to stay out of our business etc. I was almost evicted from my apartment as she would yell at the neighbors and make obscene gestures to them. She would tell me all the time that she hated people and that she lived in a black and white world,,no gray area.
I would get criticized for the way I drove, I would be told what I should wear when we would go out and if I didn’t then we wouldn’t go out. I use to cook all the time but since I met her she would always come in and try and correct me to the point I would just say go ahead and make it yourself.
We tried counseling but after 3 or 4 sessions which took forever as she would always pick a fight the day of and then cancel the session, she finally said she didn’t click with the counselor.
I would try to talk to her about the relationship and it always ended up being my fault because I was never really committed to it and never really respected her. She was sure I was cheating on her and was lying to her. I am the most loyal guy there is and I had no reason to cheat as she was everything I ever wanted. Funny thing is all her friends are all in the types of relationships she professes to despise the most, married men with girlfriends and likewise. I have come to find out she has participated in most of those.
3 months ago I told her I could not do this anymore and we needed to start working on going our separate ways. She said ok that she needed to find someone who respected her more than I did. We got separate bank accounts but then all of the sudden she started using mine for her direct deposit etc. I was thinking that the conversation about going our separate ways never happened.
I decided shortly thereafter to go back to the counselor myself. I didn’t know who I was anymore, I had gained a ton of weight, my health was crap and I was afraid to do anything and had admittedly withdrawn from her. After the first session she told me I was in an abusive relationship and had to find a way out. I started to tell my friends, family and even my employer to be prepared as I had no idea how things would shake out. Then she put the plan on fast forward.
My boss came to town and I was having dinner with her when the texts started from my wife. “I wouldn’t be to generous with your time, I have seen her and I know you are not out with her”, then “should I send and email to her asking why she is keeping you out so late?”, it was 930pm. Then it was “I can” and finally “if you aren’t home in 7 minutes I am sending the email”. That was at 953pm and I already had texted her back that I was on my way home and would be there by 10pm which I promptly walked in then. She ignored me. Next day I found out from my boss she had sent an email to the President of the Company and told him I was having an affair with my boss and also with my customers. Come to find out it was not the first time she had sent emails/letters to my company accusing me of all kinds of atrocities. It was decision time. I took the next day off, filed for divorce, packed up what I could in my van, had her served and went full no contact. That was 3 months ago and it has been the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. The attorneys are taking care of the divorce stuff and I have since found out she had started the smear campaign months before by building up a relationship with my 1st ex wife and had told her months ago she was filing for divorce as she was tired of my cheating and I was taking money away from the household and was going to file for divorce but of course never did and also met with my college son unbeknownst to me and told him I was stealing from my company and cheating on her.
After I filed, she called me to tell me I just needed to come home so we could talk it out,,,,What the heck were we going to talk about?? Then the texts that I needed to come see the cat as she missed me,,,all the while my buddies would tell me she was at the bar hanging all over some guy. Within 48 hours she was already with someone else. Family has since told me when she has a bad break up with men she goes to women and has broken as many womens’ hearts as men. I also found out I was her 4th marriage. She has a rap sheet a mile long, mostly for driving drunk and driving without a license or insurance. The smear campaign started right away with all men are liars and cheats and I am the biggest jerk in the world. Thankfully our worlds are not to intertwined and I had warned most of my family ahead of time.
I don’t know if she is BPD/NPD or both with an alcohol addiction. It has sent me on a voyage of self discovery as I wrestle with the why with so many red flags in front of me did I stay as long as I did. I still miss her every day but think most of it is my trained responses from having so much attention lavished on me,,,good and bad. Nothing was ever her fault and I have wrestled with all the accusations and how I was a yo yo. This is actually the cliff notes version as it just touches the highlights or lowlights however you want to look at it. This was the last correspondence I had with her which just shows the yo yo. I actually don’t really understand what most of it means except that it was all my fault.
The demise of this marriage falls 100% in your lap. This was ALL you. And somehow you still think that you have the right to treat me like shit? I was trying to be nice. I have been fair even when you don’t deserve it. Why can’t you act like an adult. We were in love once so stop acting like that didn’t happen. All the despicable things that you are and I still hold on to those 12 days. I don’t know why you fight so hard to not be that guy. You have it in you, I know it. There is so much I don’t understand but I do know this, I want all this madness to end and if divorce is what YOU want, then so be it, but just know it is NOT what I want. I will let you go because I need peace. Being without you is not my need but yours.
I loved us first and apparently I love us last.
You are right there are no winners.
You don’t realize that you were, have always been, the one thing you chose to be jealous of.
There are many days I feel like the one that is messed up. I admittedly withdrew from the relationship during it as I knew it was not right and left a few times when I saw the temperament getting high and would get the call that I needed to come home or please don’t leave me home alone again. I can actually even probably pin point the day she knew I was done as she jumped on me and wanted to have sex and I wouldn’t do it. Does that make me the Sociopath? I can’t tell you how many times I said who am I and what the hell has happened to me. I sacrificed every moral and belief to be with this woman.
I have only heard from her once since I started no contact and that was on our anniversary about 2 weeks ago and was a few days after when she sent me an email that said happy belated anniversary with the song you had me at hello attached. Nothing else. I do admit I have been waiting for that apologetic email as our divorce is close to being final and am glad it has not come as I know I have been very vulnerable at times. Thankfully I have not lost my job as they said they knew they were dealing with someone that was unstable. I have kept my family intact and if anything it galvanized us together to deal with her. All anyone has said is that she has no remorse in her and does not even acknowledge that anything she did was wrong. She even told my son and my ex wife that she was going to ruin me. Who does that and then says you need to come home and talk about it???
I still struggle every day as there were some very good times in there,,the highs were very high and the lows,,,well you see. I appreciate your site as it helps me quite a bit and if my story can help others please feel free to pass it on.