This was written by a reader. Again, the depths and lengths a Sociopath/Psychopath go to are incomprehensible.
Hello,My name is Bella and I would appreciate any feedback.I recently was the victim of a horrible smear campaign by a psychopath. All advice columns advise not to seek revenge,but though I have searched in vain,I have yet to find a situation similar to mine(the details are so humiliating that I am sure victims of this type of abuse are more apt to retreat into hiding then to share-though I believe that this is exactly what the psychopath is counting on)! I met a man who pretended to care for me and started a whirlwind(yet,short-lived)relationship,Prior to meeting this man I had not been with a man for many years and was happy,well-adjusted and working on my goals.My friends would insist that I needed to date and I would reply that I was very happy and did not feel a void in my life, As a matter of fact the question that I was most often asked was “why are you so happy”? It was at this point that I met a man who I found physically adorable.He was also(seemingly) the most moral,modest,protective,sweet,and attentive man that I had ever met.After many deeply intense and sincere conversations and a few very long walks, I made the mistake of sleeping with this man.He had bared his soul to me and we had exchanged quite a few secrets,fears,and painful stories.This seemingly noble and pure soul had been the victim of a few cold-hearted,malicious women(according to his stories)! I spent the first month or so of this relationship empathizing with his plight and actually hating these women for having hurt such a beautiful individual.We had so much in common and I was convinced that I had found my soul mate.I told myself,”Bella, it’s right,for once ,just jump in and throw caution to the winds,This man was (in my book) beyond reproach(had another woman told me that I was dealing with a predator,a socialized psychopath,at this point,I would have rejected the notion as outright ridiculous and dismissed the woman as jealous and crazy).Shortly before this man struck up the first conversation with me, a scary looking man starting staring into the windows of my place of employment for hours at a time.Four to five days out of the week I would feel myself being watched and there he was, The first month or so of my relationship with the psychopath was idyllic,he treated me like a princess and I couldn’t have been happier;my friends commented on my glow and life was beautiful.I should also mention that I was told by this man not to confide in anyone at my place of employment that we were together(as he had dated a past employee,who had gotten fired when my boss found out and he was trying to protect me from the same fate).He did his best to bad-mouth and emotionally isolate me from my boss and coworkers.As the relationship progressed and when he became secure in the fact that I was falling in love with him,his behavior started to change,At first it was subtle and very passive-aggressive,just enough to thoroughly confuse me,He was an expert in projecting things that were his fault right back onto me and had me doubting my own emotional maturity and sometimes, even my sanity.His behavior started to get very bizarre….I found myself googling phrases like”passive-aggressive”,”split personality” and” schizoid personality”.He would look in one direction and compliment or thank me ,and then look in another a split second later and say that I was “a sick woman”Needless to say ,I was very concerned about his emotional health(not knowing at this point that I was the victim)This man borrowed a fair amount of money from me (he was constantly being unfairly deprived of shifts or his boss was late in paying him) and he always promised that when he got on his feet he would pay me back.I also,foolishly,spent money on food,cigarettes,and wine for him.Sometimes I feel so thoroughly stupid recounting this story (in my own head and here),but I realize that this man had a hypnotic( I LITERALLY felt like I was in a trance state throughout a good deal of the relationship and accepted and put up with things that,to this day,confound me)effect on me. As his behavior became more bizarre,the abuse was also escalating quickly,He was letting down the mask in a big way because he was truly finished with me and felt no need to keep up the pretense all of the time(at this point he was so inaccessible to me that I am sure he was already at work spending time with his next victim/victims).During a phone conversation,at this point,he actually said to me,”When I first met you,I thought to myself,”What the FUCK is this woman so happy about?”.-he then quickly changed his tone and said that he was joking,,,,but he wasn’t.Meanwhile all of my googling had led me from “passive-aggressive” to “malignant narcissist’and “emotional vampire” to” cerebral narcissist” (he was constantly withholding touch and sex to totally frustrate me(and frustrated I was; I had never in my life experienced not being wanted by a lover-especially in such a new relationship).Also his behavior varied from one day to the next between totally loving and respectful to totally sexual and cold, Even though I was at his house many times,we only slept together two times-The other times he would sit next to me on the bed and tell me that he didn’t feel well and didn’t want to be touched-even though I pleaded with him to hug me.insisting that sex didn’t matter and it didn’t ….I was in “love”with the man and hungry for his touch and to console him.About this time,he started inviting me to his house and leaving the keys under the doormat,so that I could let myself in. During this time I starting to get so sexually frustrated that I would masturbate on his bed,to relieve my frustrations and not have to feel guilty about infringing my desires on him.It was also during this time that I popped in on him earlier than usual and found him in the clutches of some type of high (sweating,eyes twitching and moving rapidly and paranoia)he shut the door on me and claimed to be too sick to see me that day.From all of my reading I was convinced (though still in some denial)that I was dealing with a psychopath.I googled his name and found that not only had he been busted on drug possession,but also.that he had been involved in a crime where a federal agency had to step in.I questioned him about this discovery and he turned it around on me saying that I was,insensitive to bring it up and that he had been innocent and falsely accused. Around this same time,right after telling me that him and I were “ok,sweetheart”,he suddenly stopped answering my phone calls and refused contact with me.The one time that I did manage to get in touch and ask if he was breaking up with me ( and all I wanted at this point was a straight answer and some emotionally mature closure),he evaded answering my question and stated that he didn’t feel well,he might have cancer-not the first time that I’d heard that-and just couldn’t talk YET…..YET turned into three to four weeks where I obsessively worried about his health and bombarded him with calls and texts insisting that we at least talk…I am so very ashamed of how I lost all of my dignity ……Finally he came into my work place and I was truly over it and truly convinced that this man was a real psychopath……I was obsessively reading articles which actually consoled me.as I realized that none of what had transpired between him and I was ever real, therefore.there was nothing to mourn(though mourn I had done,for a month prior to this time,,,,,,,I would curl up in bed in a fetal position,and sob,feeling raw like someone had scrubbed my heart and soul with rough grade sandpaper).I decided to be very blase and nonchalant with this man-polite and nothing more-sometimes, “not noticing”when he came in.It was at this point that all hell broke loose and my life became a living nightmare,Customers(I work as a bartender) started coming in and just sitting at the bar staring at their phones and laughing at me,some older customers who had previously treated me well,started giving me the cold shoulder and refusing to even meet my gaze,Many men would come in and make sexual connotations and undress me with their eyes,while laughing.Finally one day I waited on a large party that kept looking at their phones and sniggering at me-each time I went to the table they would hide their phones-all at the same time!!! I finally caught an image on one of their phones and to my horror and humiliation it was of him,moving on top of me like he did the first time we had sex:I even recognized his curtains in the background,I was hysterical and my coworker told me that it was only my imagination,”after all we have never even seen those people”(I would later this same day locate them on his facebook friends list.)About two weeks prior to this, a man from a local business had come in and told me that a strange man had been coming in asking all kinds of questions about me.After the cellphone discovery I became subject to increasing abuse and humiliation from increasing numbers of customer…this was a very small town and almost everyone knew me.Strange men were staring at me from outside the windows-the initial strange man was suddenly MIA,,,,,cars filled with men would stop in the middle of the street and honk,point,and jeer at me.Men started following me home at night and I no longer felt safe walking so I started calling the local car service every night and getting rides home from friends.The abuse and humiliation became so severe that I started to fear for my emotional and physical safety.I was .literally feeling very suicidal.I finally just suddenly cut off all ties with my friends and left the state.I am going to wrap this story up very shortly and cut straight to my dilemma,but first I would like to say thank you for bearing with this very long-winded account,it was necessary(and I actually left out many pertinent and unbelievable details which I intend to write about in the future).Prior to meeting this man (I am an artist of some type) I had been working passionately for two years with the goal of showcasing my artwork on a national level.If I were to do this now, I am sure that a very humiliating sex tape of me would go completely viral.However,I do not want to let this sick individual alter what were my life plans in any way.When he secretly taped me he invaded my rights and portrayed me as a one-dimensional sex object,”a dirty whore”….no one would be made privy to the words,and (FAKE!!!!!)moments of tenderness and caring that transpired between us,nor any of his words or promises,I wrote down every word and movement that I could remember and realized that when I thought that he had a split personality he was actually distorting my words,cutting me off and misrepresenting things that I was telling him.He would face in one direction and speak softly while saying certain things and then turn in another direction(towards cameras and tapes,I’m certain…to say something totally contrary.)I want to forge ahead with my plans of showcasing my artwork…..because this is my love and what I have spent my entire life studying and working for.In this tape he puts me in unflattering positions and totally humiliates me…….I let him know my fears and secrets and he used them against me!!!! I WANT to forge ahead with my plans, I WANT him to be outted! But first I need to write the story of everything that he did to me as in his sick,one-dimensional portrayal of me this evil being took away my voice and I NEED TO take it back. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the psychology of humiliation (a tactic,in my opinion,of bullies,narcissists,and socio/psychopaths) and I’ve come to realize people really do NEED my permission to humiliate me! My sexuality is MY SEXUALITY and what I do in private is no one’s business but my own.Being amused by this tape is akin to hearing that a woman is being raped on the corner,and running with glee,to watch;and this reflects very poorly on anyone who would judge me or be amused….I AM A VICTIM. I really believe that everything in this universe happens for a reason and that I can choose to look deeply at myself,learn to truly love me,and use this experience to both be a better person and to warn others so that hopefully other women( and men) might be spared an experience like this. A therapist,responding to my comment that,”everything in this universe happens for a reason”,asked me why I thought that I had crossed paths with this evil being and I replied,”Maybe I am the one capable of standing up to him,maybe I can help other women.”I am currently still suffering from PTSD and some days I am not so confident that I can actually pull this off,but little by little I’m healing and my inner voice tells me to forge onward with my dreams and love me enough not to care what others think……I am still so emotional and scattered over this whole thing…..any advice /feedback will be appreciated.God bless you all. Bella