This man posted this under Sign’s of A Narcissistic Sociopath. Another truly heartbreaking story. And the horrific abuse done by a Sociopath.
Reading through all this, …. Wow…. Literally seeing MY life in the text on these pages has been theraputic, and also frightening. After 6 years, I am just beginning to grasp what is happening to my life (or the shambles of it). I have been afraid for a few years, that I was indeed trapped in a cycle that there was no easy way out of. Its been easy to mute that fear because if it were true, then I was ALREADY trapped. So why not just believe the narrative that I have wanted to be true. That I am with my soul mate, who despite some issues that need to be resolved, is capable of being the person I need. They must be, because they proved early on that they CAN be a dream come true, and once they realize how they have destroyed my very identity and all value I once had for myself, they are going to be overcome with sorrow, regret, and I will forgive them and I will have the person I met 6 years ago back…….. ON OUR FLYING PIG FARM!!! It really is a tough pill to swallow. A veteran of the US Marine Corps. Former police officer (boy, if that aint already a prime piece of canvas to be painted as “he is crazy” “a monster.” Unfortunately, people seem to enjoy making Police, and Military veterans into emotionally damages wrecks, who are filled with violence and hatred. Nothing could be further from the truth!), I have always considered myself extraordinarily mentally and emotionally resilient. After all I have seen and done, I am not invincible, but nothing could break me down….. I truly believed that no one could get in my mind, and break me. I just never considered that my adversary would show up in the form of someone so beautiful, that I could have created her in my own mind as my ideal partner. Giving attention to every detail, defining what I find attractive and irresistible. I really couldn’t have dreamed of a woman who made my stomach knot up and knees weak like that. Not only was she everything I find physically attractive, she was interested in me?? I won the lottery! I’m the luckiest man alive! I would have not hesitated for one second to approach her, but before that thought had fully made it through my mind, she was pursuing me! I didn’t take long at all, and I was hooked quickly. Kinda funny (in that “it’s better to laugh than cry” kinda way), that all the things I have done that really get to people, all I have survived, MY adversary wasnt an enemy combatant, nor the desperate suspect of a violent crime. The picture of what has made my life hell (all while legitimately convincing me, I had brought it all on myself by not being X, Y or Z that I should have been for this girl. Gosh! I have to do better by her! I’m so lucky she has stuck with me) is 5 feet 3 inches, long dark hair, eyes that literally feel penetrating and a smile that just broke down all my defenses, less like a grenade, and more like a computer virus that made my inner warning system totally vanish like a corrupt fIle. And that devastating smile, I must mention, as entrancing as it was, had a distinct Evil in it that you can’t even explain. Not a devil costume, “trick or treat” evil, but seductive evil. A smile that plays on your natural desire to taste forbidden fruit, but it MUST be safe! It sure does look like forbidden fruit, but she is serving it to me just the way I like, so it surely won’t be anything other than everything I ever wanted, and many things I didn’t KNOW I wanted, UNTIL she came into my life and created a world I was totally unaware of. That world, like the most pure street drug, had me roped in, hook line and sinker before I had exhaled the first hit. Okay okay…… Is it obvious that I AM STILL under the spell of this person. Which considering how much pain, misery and nothing short of something CLOSE to hell I have been through, is nothing short of……. Well…. Pathetic really. And yet, I have been sucked in again and again and again. Early on, she made it very well known, that she has never been outwardly affectionate, but for some reason she just couldn’t explain (i will try to explain for her, POURING GASOLINE ON MY CONFIDENCE THAT IS ALREADY A BLAZING INFERNO AT THIS POINT!) I just bring affection out of her that no one else has been able to tap into. (this is going to be a hard part to post online) Before she and I got together, I had experienced some “difficulty” in the area of sexual performance. Now I am with a woman that I very much want to please. Don’t think all sexual!!! I wanted to make her happy!! 🙂 anyway. My doctor had suggested that my difficulty may possibly be a result of a self esteem that was suffering due to my military years ending, and realizing I would never be quite that “cool” again. Personally, I thought he was a mile off base. I truly felt plenty of confidence! Now, enter this woman. Would ya believe, difficulty NO MORE!!! More like difficulty stopping long enough to also have a typical adult life. Sex was far and away THE most euphoric experience I had ever been apart of, made more so because she could have won the Academy Award for best….. “pretending I’m not bored silly by a female con, I mean actress” ccategory! Do they have that? They should create it and give her a call! I would have never dreamed this was another Men’s Health article playing out in my life. “How to tell if she’s faking” kinda articles. I’m still confused over this actually, thing is, I don’t accept anything from her at face value anymore. I cautiously assume everything has a motive, or otherwise just malicious intent behind it. That’s probably a SLIGHT exaggeration, but that said, every time I think she won’t cross THAT line, I am proved to be a fool for underestimating what things she can do. You can imagine what this has done to that “blazing” confidence. Its more like an ice bucket at the city morgue. I’ve tried to put some laughs in here, but just understand, that is how I have coped my entire life. I find something to laugh at in any situation, no matter how life shatteringly devastating it is to my mind. So, you reading, and anyone who happens to somehow be watching as I type this alone, thinks, “ah, that guy is all right, he aint gonna let her bring him down, he’s already laughing at her.” This is what I WANT people to think. Mostly because I am ashamed, humiliated and spiritually broken and i don’t know how or if I could handle all the people that warned me about what was happening. All the people I adamantly stood up and defended her to. All the friends and family members I have alienated, or just let fade out of my life over this woman. When I uncover another web of lies, or another guy (to add to the list that is LITERALLY in the dozens at this point) that I can’t be sure if she is just “sexting” for her own ego boost, or is this one she has actually layed down for. Then break me down, make sure all of her friends and mine know how pathetically insecure I am, because I asked if “you still talk to that guy you used to work with”? I actually start to believe, why would I be so unfair. She is just naturally charismatic and most people keep in touch with her! Gosh I’m a lucky guy! Why can’t I get that through my head! Why am I so insecure with myself! I don’t feel insecure! And for aanother few years, if I ask a question I am reminded of how dumb I was for “letting my insecurity lead me into accusing her of my worst nightmares with a grocery boy who was 19 years old (she’s 32 btw, and that “accusing” was asking if they had remained in contact.) …. Guess what???? They DID have sex! BEFORE MY ABSURD ACCUSATIONS! It gets better. I stayed at the apartment, with her boys while she drove to his parents house…. IN MY TRUCK! I could give enough example to keep this going for much longer, but I think her driving my truck, to have sex with a KID over ten years younger, while I watched her kids, and was ridiculed and humiliated for even inquring about his existence for years! For the record, they have continued contact and at LEAST phone sex, I can’t prove any further sexual contact. Just a side note, about a week and half prior to their rendezvous, she had surgery and depended on me for EVERYTHING! I was quite seriously taking care of her as you would an elderly relative who can’t take care of themselves. But by this point, sex for me was a special once a month or two treat, but oh how lucky I was that she DID (which was rare by now) come home from her trip to the “store” and make a point to hug and kiss me. I still can’t figure out if it was a sign that she DOES have SOME feelings, OR more likely, was her secret way of further cutting me down. I feel the need to stop writing a take a shower suddenly. A few months later, she suddenly became (to my absolute ASTONISHMENT) suspicious that I had been cheating, and INSISTED that I go take an std test at the health dept. Again, HUMILIATING! Especially because she was the ONLY sexual contact I had in over 2 years at this point. Keep in mind, I did not yet know about her having sex with the little punk boy. So, I’ve wondered if this was a ploy to assure herself SHE was clean. Can’t say for sure. They spoke as recently as about 8 months ago. (understand, after 6 years, I have FINALLY stopped looking into what she is doing behind my back) and even then were both expressing that it was exciting to them to have sex knowing that I had found out…. There is so much more, but honestly, this trip down memory lane, that was theraputic is now just excruciatingly painful. I’m sure one can just imagine what just the few things I have explained can do to a persons mind. Even one who is generally pretty strong minded. I don’t want to at all give the impression this is something I actually do laugh at. I don’t. I spend most days, avoiding contact with anyone I can avoid, and if I don’t have suicidal thoughts, it’s been a decent day. I WANT MY LIFE BACK, BUT AM ALSO SO VERY AFRAID OF…. PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING. I hope to one day, begin to build personal relationships again, but I just don’t know how I will EVER trust or open up to anyone again. All my deepest darkest secrets, fears, desires, personal experiences and even sexual fantasies were pulled from my vulnerable, trusting mouth, then used as humiliation equipment later,…. Just that by itself, how do you get past that?