A Healing & Informative Site About Narcissistic Sociopaths

Trauma Bonding

Trauma Bonding occurs in various forms with a Narcissists Sociopath. And each of these forms are so detrimental to your mental and emotional well-being. This article is specifically for adults in a relationship. Child Trauma Bonding will be another post.

  • Cognitive Dissonance~ this happens when you have 2 different thoughts about the same thing, ‘this relationship is abusive i need to get out…….i need to stay and make this relationship work. In order to rectify this cognitive dissonance you make excuses or justify the abuser ‘i know they love me, why can’t they show me. They were such a great person in the beginning, if i just stick with it maybe things will change.
  • Whiplash Effect ~ you are depending heavily on the treatment from the abuser. If your ‘nice’ maybe they will be ‘nice’ The narcissistic Sociopath’ becomes the deliverer of good or bad treatment, and when good treatment comes, there is so much hope and relief that the pain is going to end that the victim focuses on the good times, and ‘conveniently’ numbs out the bad times – even dismissing them.’ – therefore creating this Whiplash Effect.
  • Repetitive Compulsion Disorder~ this creates an anxiety addiction. When the Sociopath apologizes for their words or behaviour, you think to yourself ‘finally, they have seen what they are doing and will change’. But then the same repetition begins again, your back in the war-zone, and when they refuse to admit to their lies/behaviour you are needing that ‘fix’ again…which is for them to one more time apologize, make promises  of change, which puts you back into ‘i love this person i can’t live without them’.
  • Infantile Regressions ~ when the person you love becomes the one who abuses you, you regress back into your instinctual learned behaviour to survive. Like a child who turns to the parent for comfort/support. In this state of mind, you become helpless to the ability to defend the lies, defend the physical attacks, correct their delusions and verbal attacks on your character, you accept all blame because you literally feel like you are dying.
  • Obsession ~ if you have been able to leave {or break-up with} the Narcissistic Sociopath, you go into the obsessive state of mind. “What if’s” start to take over. Or maybe if I contact them one last time to explain things. Why did they just walk away so easily and hook up with someone else so quickly. These obsessive thoughts and more can only stop if you can have one more conversation, or be given a REAL, TRUTHFUL reason why you were treated so horribly.  But this thought process all ties into the Trauma Bonding. You want the answer’s, you want that contact because you need that ‘fix’. But in reality….you really don’t.

Love can sometimes be magic. But magic can sometimes… just be an illusion.   javan


20 Responses to “Trauma Bonding”

  1. Gale

    Oh my gosh you have described my marriage and my children’s wounds word for word
    My ex when discovered for his second hidden life also divorced me
    The strangest thing is my ex husband also bonded with a woman and her probably teen son My ex always complimented her so on his achievements and said nothing of support to his own son
    My ex also withheld funds from me and the kids because he was wining and dining his gutter trash whores who he preferred in secrecy
    How ironic that we share the exact same story if we were still married this would of been Anniversary 41 three yrs past divorce and not one word from ex
    I too hope that God gets him but for now he roams the earth seeking out new victims to abuse
    Like you I also read texts and emails exchanged between my ex and total strangers that were so nasty and vial
    One gutter worm was telling him how she would be kissing him for hours next time they hooked up he responded I might have to bind your hands and feet to get what I want
    Whoa who the hell is this scary man that I trusted and loved for 36 years? I actually feel a bit scared about who was laying next to me and who I was sitting next to for all of the years together
    There were so many red flags right from the beginning but I was too stupid to understand anything about a narcissist/sociopath and besides I was too afraid of being killed or him doing harm to the kids or other family members so I stayed I endured I put my poor children through hell
    They are all so strong but like yours carry the wounds
    Its hard healing I fight the demons that my ex planted but I know that God is with me and he is helping all of us heal


  2. Pinky t

    Please tell me it gets better ? Because I am close to losing my mind or ending my life and it’s only day 5 that deleted me from his life knowing I have abandonment issues


  3. Kelly

    Thank you for writing this. The reality that I’ve been living a lie for sooo long is still shocking. It took about 3 days for me to realize Something wasn’t right when we first got together…but it took a good 12 yrs for me to put a name to it.. ugh.


    • Tela

      I hope you’re educating yourself and not blaming yourself for what you’re going through! It’s a long hard road away from a Sociopath. Reach out anytime!


  4. Gale

    Yesterday would of been our 39th anniversary but instead of celebrating we are divorced since last year
    After being married to a man raising three beautiful talented children I discover this man has been living a secret second life
    From day one he was a manipulator and showed signs of abusive behavior
    As the years went on he demonstrated that abusive side towards me the kids my siblings my parent his coworkers but he was talented and sneaky most people never suspected who or what he really was
    He worked for top companies and drew a six figure salary for several years
    Although I enjoyed little of it because he was giving his earnings to others
    Particullary another woman and her grown son
    He praised this woman’s child over his own I know that this child was not his but for some secret reason he bonded with this woman and her son
    I also discovered multiple affairs with other women The texts they exchanged were so nasty and vile
    I almost passed out reading them
    My story is long and complicated due to staying in a crazy marriage for so many years
    My adult children are wounded but thankfully they are so strong
    I think in time they will be ok but right now they are fighting the demons of what their father inflicted them with
    I feel so sad and I feel so responsible for being so weak and allowing myself to accept the abuse allowing my children to be abused and neglected
    Yesterday I could not resist to try and contact my ex through email I’m pretty sure that I am blocked on his end from all communication via email or phone or text but I sent the email anyways
    I told him exactly how I felt about his cheating and his betrayal adultery and expressed how God is watching him and how one day he will have to apologize to me to the kids
    I know the reality he doesn’t have to do one dam thing that he doesn’t want to do
    He is the MAN in charge
    He is a crazy narcissist with absolutely no concern for his wife or children
    He prefers rolling in the gutter with his whores
    I am having such a difficult time with all of this I think that I am so warped in the head because I want to talk to him face to face
    When I discovered his betrayal and cheating he left me and filed for a divorce from the moment he left I have not spoken to him or seen him he ran off buried his head in the sand and became a ghost
    I know now that he is just punishing me
    He always did crap like this the silent treatment
    He loved it when I would practically beg him to stay I was always afraid to cross him I thought if I didn’t conform to his needs that he would kill me or the kids or my family
    He flew into rages over the slightest things then would flee not to return for hours or maybe the next day
    I want to be over him but every night before I close my eyes I’m cursing his sorry ass for stealing our lives and every morning I’m in the same rut
    How do I make these feelings of him go away
    The grief I what I wanted and the reality of what actually happened collide constantly and I am left with so much pain
    I’m tired of hurting I’m tired of trying to understand how a man could lie and cheat so much then just walk away like we never even knew each other
    How does he not even care?


  5. Hitting bottom

    This is exactly where I am. I feel crazy! I feel like I’m not going to make it through the day with contact with him. The what-ifs are going to kill me. What if he really will change, what if someone else gets the changed man, what if it is me, what if he finds someone else, what if that person was lying to me when they said he was cheating with prostitutes? I feel like I’m so anxious and I sit and my head is racing until I can talk to him again! I do want to go to sleep and never wake up! And all this time he is living his life like nothing is wrong. With his denials, lies and the way he manipulates everyone and everything in his favor

    Liked by 1 person

  6. relieveditsover

    Thanks for referring me back to this post .. It’s so true that anxious addicted feeling is like nothing I’ve experienced before … I don’t know this person who is fretting calling him a million times .. I wish I could just chill out and accept it for what it is

    Liked by 2 people

    • Tela

      RelieveditsOver, I know you don’t know who you are right now. I’m going to write an article Sociopath Addiction. I hope it will give you better clarity & understanding what has happened to YOU and where you went. Hang in there my friend~ I know it’s terribly, terribly difficult right now! ~HUGS~ ❤



Your Thoughts:

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Basic HTML is allowed. Your email address will not be published.

Subscribe to this comment feed via RSS

%d bloggers like this: