A Healing & Informative Site About Narcissistic Sociopaths

No Contact ~

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No contact is essential. Your pride and dignity are riding on it. You have the upper hand with no contact, Hang on to with dear life.

Establishing, and then sticking to the no contact with a sociopath is extremely difficult, at best! However, it has to be done or the viscous cycle of hell you have been in will continue. You probably want answers to many many questions, but you will never get those answers. And if you do, they most certainly will be more lies.

Whilst you are left reeling from the life spent in crazy with your Narcissist Sociopath, they have sailed on to their next victim. There are so many things you want to say to them, but your words will fall on deaf ears. The months and years you spent giving of yourself to the sociopath, they gave nothing! They came into the relationship giving you nothing, and they leave with your heart and spirit.  But you can and will recover! You just have to establish the no contact, and stick with it!! Here are some reasons why the no contact is imperative:

  • You want to have the last word, you want them to understand the pain they have caused-remember, they don’t feel mental & emotional pain.
  • You want them to apologize. An apology will do what? Make you feel better for a moment? Remember Sociopaths are never wrong
  • You still love them. You are in love with the illusion  they created of themself to manipulate you. Understand, they never loved you, they are incapable of love.
  • You feel sorry for them. This is an easy ploy the Sociopath uses to manipulate you back in. Do they feel any remorse or sorrow for the destruction they caused you? Absolutely not! Remember, they are without consciousness.
  • You want answers & accountability for things they said and did to you during the relationship. A sociopath is not going to take accountability for anything! Even if you have positive proof of their lies and deceit.!
  • You want to know how they could walk away so easily. They can do this because they are hollow, soulless individuals.
  • Sociopaths destroy us piece by piece. By not allowing contact you will be able to start putting the pieces back together.
  • You want to see how (or with whom) they moved on-if you have them as a friend on Facebook-BLOCK them immediately! If you snap-chat, block them. Block them on your phone. Any means of contact you have had with your Narcissist Sociopath you need to remove and/or block. All you will be doing is causing yourself more pain. It does not matter who they moved on to next, they don’t care what is happening with you, so give them the same lack of respect! And just know, it will be only a matter of time before their next victim realizes who and what they are. Let that give you some peace.

You will find yourself, early on in the no contact stage fighting many emotions. You will have an overwhelming urge to contact your Ex, and then that feeling will subside followed by anger, then more questions and so on. This is completely normal! The end of a relationship is like a death, it has to be grieved. It is a death of your future together with that person,  a death of the love you had for them.  And during grief you are on a  roller coaster of emotions, sometimes hourly! But remember, during the no contact you will start to see things more clearly……the manipulation spell you have been under starts to dissipate.

If you feel like you just have to contact your Ex, compose an email and save it to drafts, DO NOT SEND IT.  {I will have a post about establishing boundaries if you have to have contact because of children and/or other situations that bind you to the sociopath}. It does help to get your words out, however getting those words out to the Ex does nothing except give them control again. If you want to text because you ‘miss them’, or want to know ‘how they are’….again, you are giving back control! They have your number, and your email, IF, big IF they  wanted to contact you~they would. But sociopaths do not work in reverse….they are constantly moving forward looking for the next source of supply. Be the one that end’s the supply source from you!

You are a strong person! And you can do this! You may have to establish the no contact multiple times because you are just crawling yourself out of hell. And it’s ok! Each day that goes by is another day YOU are healing. The scars will forever remain, the pain however will eventually lessen.  You may be starting your life completely over, and we all have fear of the unknown…try not looking past today (or tomorrow). The Future Happens One Day At A Time

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745 Responses to “No Contact ~”

  1. Michael Land

    I met a woman on a karaoke app. We sung many songs together and did video chats back and forth. She’s from another country. She is and was very insecure I seen signs early on of this in between this time she gave me silent treatment many times. Off and on she did this. Finally the plan was always she come to my country for a month she finally did. We had a great time however she did start to show more and more sign of insecurity and jealous for no reason. Even watching TV she got jealous over a woman on TV twice again for no reason. She left a day earlier and I was to take her to airport. I did not. She is back in her country now I know she’s safe there but I can still see her on the app we met on. She is blocking me and giving me the silent treatment. I have researched everything I can on insecurity and narcissistic behavior she fit all of it. Trying to get closure is tough. My heart feels shattered I thought she was for real. Cannot believe there’s people like this

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  2. Mary

    can relate to so much of what you have said. I was love bombed early on, he moved fast but I always felt something was off. He would accuse me but kept me secret on Facebook. He moved in for about a month then moved out ( he was waiting for his house to be built) long story short. I found out much later he had been on match. Com. Met someone but kept seeing me, having sex with me, telling me he loved me wanted to marry me etc. would ALWAYS try to make me jealous of other women. Pick fights, accusecand blame me, disappear ( to be with her.) I eventually found out and we broke up. He chose a girl living in a D V shelter. I am a normal person ( albeit insecure) master degree, mom, own my home… I was devastated!!! I was married 22 years and never was cheated on.

    About a month later he came back full force…apologized…gave me pearls from Tiffany’s ( found out he bought them for her!) bought me a puppy ( offered the same to her) proposed within 2 weeks to me ( had her try on the ring, which I found out was given to his dead girlfriend!)

    He would bring up the dead girlfriend to make me jealous before and now the person he cheated on! I broke up finally after girl he cheated on me with told me everything!

    He came back again… I’m stupid. Engaged again… same fucking ring. I feel empty and alone. Intellectually I know this is a horrible situation but it’s like an addiction.

    I think he is cheating or about to. He got a job on weekends – I work during the week. Tells me he was hit on the first day! Had me “ Nair” his hairy back ( he did this last time when he began cheating but I had no clue!)

    The thing is… he is unattractive and I am pretty ( not to be conceited) and do everything for him… sexually, domestically… all of my friends are dumbfounded I am with him and he hates all my friends.

    Sex is not making love… it’s just fucking as he refers to it. I think he has sent intimate photos of me to friends. I am a professional in my community.

    He wants threesomes. What is wrong with me????

    I have to take Xanax to be around him. Why give me this engagement ring again, just took me on a trip ( expensive) to meet family in Boston. My gut tells me he is either cheating or trying to make me jealous. I do get jealous of the girl he cheated with even though she was a mess… lived in a shelter for a year, worked as an eyelash technician and at a mall and used him for money and gifts. She was 15 years younger but heavy ( pretty) but had several DUI arrests… and lived off the shelter while she got lip injections and Botox! I can’t get her and him out of my mind…even though she told me she was disgusted by him!

    I have travelled the world, am classy, smart, sexy… it’s like I am punishing myself.

    I wish I could erase him from my life. He is upstairs in my bed as I write this…I am praying to God to give me strength to leave him ( he has his own home and $)

    His last girlfriend killed herself
    Help! Sometimes he is wonderful

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    • Jacquelyn

      Mary,
      You are punishing yourself..
      You are good..he is evil
      I know..I was with two Narcissists..29 years and 10 years..what a waste..now I am 66 and love myself and my life..I can go where I want to go, be with whom I please and no drama .Believe me..get away from him.. don’t waste your life on this selfish disgusting excuse for a human being..no matter how much you give it’s never enough..they are predators..they steal your joy and your identity..Love yourself please..J

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      • Jacquelyn

        PS Mary..I believe they actually can drive a happy, healthy person to suicide..You must get away and recapture your joy..and….your soul ..immediately! I’ve been there..

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      • Mary

        Thank you! It’s so hard. I feel like he just uses me and I let him. His treatment is getting worse now that I am engaged again. He woos me. Then treats me bad.

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    • Cindy

      Mary,

      We are living each other’s lives. I was with my “sociopath” for 13 years (on and off). I, too, am an educated, classy, intelligent woman… with a big heart. Things that should be attributes, yet are seen as targets for these men. Mine loved bombed me to pieces in the first three months. I was just coming out of 15-year long, abusive relationship with a narcissist, and made it very clear to this man that I needed some alone time, but thank you. Best part: he was married! Naturally, he convinced me it was to a nasty woman who he was in the process of divorcing. Of course, I believed him. After several months of chasing me with over-the-top methods, I finally agreed to go to dinner with him.

      What a charmer. The man–who I, at the time, did not consider overly attractive–pulled out so many stops, I was amazed and flattered. And then that first kiss… heart-meltingly gentle. Within a few weeks, I was sucked in. And suddenly, this tall, strong, gentle man, who was far from perfect, became gorgeous in my eyes! He could do no wrong. His voice sounded as though it was infused with whipped cream, and his eyes sparkled when they connected with mine. I was 44 at the time and feeling as though I had found my knight in shining armor.

      Within the first year, he was already cheating on me with the woman he was trying to divorce. He made up stories, and I believed them. Psychology was my major in school, yet it took years for me to figure out what he was doing to me. The lies… the cheating… the silent treatments… he convinced me somehow that they were all my fault. I never cheated on him, yet he constantly accused me of it because I was a sociable person in a career where I worked around mostly men. I never even considered cheating on him, yet I was given punishment as if I was. He started by going on dating websites that he would leave open on the computer screen. I was never one to look into my other half’s phones or history, ever, but once I saw a woman’s profile left open on the screen, I felt validated in checking his history. I found out that he had been looking at hundreds of women, and calculated that he had jumped online one day moments after I had left the house to go to the ER with a debilitating headache. Nice.

      The cheating began when he told a woman (I later exchanged notes with) that I had moved out of town and he was free. Really? We were living together, I was wearing his engagement ring, and he was driving a very expensive sports car that we owned jointly. He went on to date her for months, and I immediately moved out of his house and into my own (that was vacant).

      A month later, he called me to see if I was working (I owned a small business). I couldn’t believe how excited I was to see his name light up on my phone! I knew better, but I allowed him to suck me back in within days! He finally confessed he slept with the woman once. Yeah, right. She told me he threw her on the bed many occasions. Which seemed odd. This man was gentle as a feather with me from day one till the last day. Always super romantic and loving. Which was odd. He was horrible at communicating. Never, ever would talk about anything but himself, his endeavors, his accomplishments, his goals, his future, his, his, his. Whenever I said one word about myself, he would accuse me of being “all about me.” What?

      I found myself bending and twisting and constantly trying to mold myself into what he wanted, if for any reason, to make him want me and love me and adore me like he did in those first, wonderful, three months. I waited 13 years to see that sparkle come back in his eyes; yet, all I ever saw was disdain. I kissed his butt like no one could believe or understand, yet he looked down at me as if he were ashamed of me. I am a woman who has always prided myself on being well dressed, well mannered, and kept up a very nice physical appearance. I could tell that it irritated him to death when his “friends” would drop conversations with him the second I walked into a room or up to him on a job. He looked at me with daggers on those occasions. It took me a long while to realize he demanded the lime light, and he hated when I came around, causing him to lose the attention most would give him, and that he craved for his ego. I was told by one of my employees that he overheard him bragging about himself in a diner with a group of men he worked with. Spouting on and on about all his accomplishments and how he was going to own the town.

      I should mention, too, that he had been in prison years before I met him. I did not know this for a long while after I had fallen for him. I am too ashamed to admit what it was for, but it was a violent act. Hired out. I cannot say anymore than that without feeling utterly pathetic that I didn’t run away from him.

      He never caves in tragedy. He can remain cool in the most chaotic situations. People died in a collision involved with his company, and he was as cool as a minister preaching on Sunday. Not a tear, nothing.

      And when I was sick (which was a lot), he would frown on me as if I were a nuisance. One night I woke up with double, blurred vision, and I feared a stroke. My doctor said to get to the ER immediately. It was midnight. He stood in the mirror combing his hair and taking his time. I said I will drive myself. He finally drove me, yet dropped me off to walk myself in, and left. My weaknesses disgusted him. I grew angry at myself for having ailments, and tried to do things to prove to him that I could be strong. Instead of having empathy for me during kidney stones and migraine attacks, he cracked his knuckles against his thighs in disgust. In the beginning of the relationship, when I tried to end things because I felt he was coming on way too strong for comfort, he pleaded with me not to leave him. He said he felt daggers going through his heart, and he would do anything to keep me. He bought me expensive jewelry, took me on getaways, anything to charm me. Side note: although I thought his gestures were sweet, it wasn’t necessary to buy me. I was financially ok.

      Even my own mother said she caught him looking at me with disdain. I wondered if it was because I could take care of myself, or if he was jealous of me… I don’t know. No matter what, I just did everything I could to try and make him want me again, like he did in the beginning.

      Deep inside, I knew this would never come. Finally, I had enough nerve to move out again. The next five or six years consisted of weekends romps. He rarely took me out. We just slept over at each other’s houses. It was almost ok with me. In fact, it was nice to “look forward” to these occasions.

      Months turned into years, and finally I got sick of his never contacting me first. So I performed an experiment. I stopped texting him. After years of his neglect, I actually decided to start seeing someone else. Why would he care? He so much as admitted to me that I was on the bottom of his list of priorities, including his golfing. Really? And I was ok with this? My family grew disgusted with me. There is so much more abuse, however, it is book length. (Of which I just finished a book that includes this dysfunctional relationship and the time I spent working in New Orleans on the Hurricane Katrina clean up. Although I haven’t yet circulated the manuscript, in hopes for being published, the working title is: In The Eye Of Katrina; My Own Personal Storm.)

      I realize that a lot of this is sensitive material, and this man has not been officially diagnosed as a sociopath; however, at the end of our relationship, I went over the subject with him, sent him the criteria, and he did not deny it.

      One of his former employees actually brought this to my attention years ago, even before I admitted it to myself.

      Oh, I forgot to reveal the results of my experiment. After six weeks of “no contact” I had to email him important documents, and he took this is an olive branch, and we reunited. He professed his undying love for me, asked me to marry him once again, gave me a new engagement ring, and we actually began going over wedding plans! The man I had waited over a decade for, was back. He wouldn’t leave my side for months. He spent night after night at my house, and actually complained that I didn’t reciprocate this gesture by staying at his home.

      Amazing, but I felt sick inside. Everything I had prayed for, I finally got, yet my physical being was repelling him. I grew to dread seeing him. My heart was ecstatic, yet my brain knew his amazing behavior, his detailed attention of my life, my well being, was all going to be very short lived. My body alerted me by creating panic attacks. I found myself becoming physically ill whenever he was in my presence. Stomach aches, headaches, dizziness, you name it. I just felt ill.

      Soon, he grew angry. Of course, he kept it under wraps. Instead, he reverted right back to his old ways of ignoring me, and glaring at me as though I had two heads.

      All I know is that no matter how much I realize what this man is, it doesn’t make the pain in my heart any easier to handle. It’s going on three years since his last “loving comeback” and all I got after that was months and months of nothingness and a few squeezed in visits. I don’t think he initiated any of them for the last year. Finally, six weeks ago, he flat out told me he didn’t love me anymore (not that he said it much to begin with), and that his feelings for me went “poof… gone.” When he told me, it looked as though he was getting a thrill out of me cry. And I did cry. Like a baby. I even pleaded with him to reconsider–can you believe it? Yes, it is true; these men are like drugs. I knew he was the worst thing for me, but I didn’t want it to end. The weirdest part was the sex; as infrequent as it was, it was absolutely full of love when it happened. What I mean is… he wasn’t a “pig” about it like some men can be. I have been with less men than I can count on two hands in my 57 years, but I do know what it’s like to “feel” the love through certain actions. The way he held my face, traced my lips, raked his hands slowly through my hair… was absolutely Harlequin. Each and every time it threw me for a loop, and I convinced myself that he loved me. Right down to the last time, which was six weeks ago. The night he said his feeling went poof, I cried in his arms, and he whisked me off to his bedroom and made love to me like never before. Huh?? The next morning, when I asked him if after what had happened, did he reconsider? He said no, it was a mistake. Boom! Just like that. When the tears began to fall, again, he said, “Please, stop. I don’t need this kind of stress.”

      I never really believed in this No Contact stuff, but that’s what I am doing. Am I hoping that ever time my phone chimes, it’s a text from him just saying, hey?

      Yep. Of course. I won’t lie. What good would it do? It would only negate everything people like us, the victims, are trying to accomplish. These guys have a hold over us like no other. And we cannot get over it with our intelligent minds or with the help of a friend or family member, who, by the way, are completely sick to death of hearing about this guy! I am still addicted. But I have grown children who are just waiting to see mom do the right thing, finally. Pathetic part is… I know what’s going on. He’s found his next source. And he is more than likely love bombing her as I write this. Funny how I invited him to dinner over a month ago, he came, ate, and then by that Friday, he was in another state. Never said a word about it, but he was in a recurring venue. Why? Hmm. His so-called best friend, of which I conveniently never met, lives there. Uh-huh. Sure.

      I can’t even imagine how many there were over the years. I just know that he was gentle with me, but the one who I spoke to said he was very aggressive in bed. It was like a different person. Alter ego, as well?

      Sad part is, I have no idea what I will do if he contacts me again. Secretly I hope he will; intellectually I pray he doesn’t. I want my sanity back. I want to be whole again. I feel like a puddle of needy shame, dripping off the edge of the earth with each day that ticks by. I still crane my neck to see if the taillights that drive by my house late at night belong to his vehicle, then my heart beats harder when I think it might’ve been him. I know it’s pathetic. But it’s a sickness falling for these men. It weakens our souls. It makes us feel useless, hopeless. But that’s only temporary. Because I will admit with each passing day, I feel a fragment of my being slowly reattaching itself to my heart. God gave me one life to live the best way I could, and offering it up to a heartless sociopath, I am sure, is not what He had in mind.

      You know what is the scariest part of all of this? These people (men or women) truly have no conception of what they are. I mean, yes, they are calculated, and they feel utter joy in seeing people destruct under their control, but at the end of the day, they cannot help it. From what I have learned, they cannot be helped; not with therapy, not with medication. That actually makes me sad. At times, I found my fiancé to be a project that I was dying to fix. How could anyone be so cruel? I thought. And no amount of explaining to these guys how much they hurt us will ever matter. Of course, we want closure; of course, we want apologies… they will never come. So, all of our pleading, all of our tears–they truly are in vain. I have written so many, many emails (many still in my drafts, never sent), and many foot-long texts. To think he just rolled his eyes, makes me even sadder.

      So, Mary–and to anyone else who have been the victim of these torturous individuals–smile right now. Seriously. Just spread a huge smile across your face and say out loud, ” I can do this. I am worth it.” And think about all of those in your life that you love and love you back. Spend time with them. And keep that smile on your face. It will heal you. A tear will stream from your face when you first do this, I can almost guarantee it, but it will be a tear of joy this time. Love is precious. Love yourself first.

      Love to hear from any of you that have been through what Mary and I have been through, as well as Jacquelyn.

      By the way, just know that one of the main reasons why these soul suckers fell for us is because they knew we were easy targets. Why? Because we were everything they wish they could be. Good, honest, loving people.

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  3. Mary

    can relate to so much of what you have said. I was love bombed early on, he moved fast but I always felt something was off. He would accuse me but kept me secret on Facebook. He moved in for about a month then moved out ( he was waiting for his house to be built) long story short. I found out much later he had been on match. Com. Met someone but kept seeing me, having sex with me, telling me he loved me wanted to marry me etc. would ALWAYS try to make me jealous of other women. Pick fights, accusecand blame me, disappear ( to be with her.) I eventually found out and we broke up. He chose a girl living in a D V shelter. I am a normal person ( albeit insecure) master degree, mom, own my home… I was devastated!!! I was married 22 years and never was cheated on.

    About a month later he came back full force…apologized…gave me pearls from Tiffany’s ( found out he bought them for her!) bought me a puppy ( offered the same to her) proposed within 2 weeks to me ( had her try on the ring, which I found out was given to his dead girlfriend!)

    He would bring up the dead girlfriend to make me jealous before and now the person he cheated on! I broke up finally after girl he cheated on me with told me everything!

    He came back again… I’m stupid. Engaged again… same fucking ring. I feel empty and alone. Intellectually I know this is a horrible situation but it’s like an addiction.

    I think he is cheating or about to. He got a job on weekends – I work during the week. Tells me he was hit on the first day! Had me “ Nair” his hairy back ( he did this last time when he began cheating but I had no clue!)

    The thing is… he is unattractive and I am pretty ( not to be conceited) and do everything for him… sexually, domestically… all of my friends are dumbfounded I am with him and he hates all my friends.

    Sex is not making love… it’s just fucking as he refers to it. I think he has sent intimate photos of me to friends. I am a professional in my community.

    He wants threesomes. What is wrong with me????

    I have to take Xanax to be around him. Why give me this engagement ring again, just took me on a trip ( expensive) to meet family in Boston. My gut tells me he is either cheating or trying to make me jealous. I do get jealous of the girl he cheated with even though she was a mess… lived in a shelter for a year, worked as an eyelash technician and at a mall and used him for money and gifts. She was 15 years younger but heavy ( pretty) but had several DUI arrests… and lived off the shelter while she got lip injections and Botox! I can’t get her and him out of my mind…even though she told me she was disgusted by him!

    I have travelled the world, am classy, smart, sexy… it’s like I am punishing myself.

    I wish I could erase him from my life. He is upstairs in my bed as I write this…I am praying to God to give me strength to leave him ( he has his own home and $)

    His last girlfriend killed herself
    Help!

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