A Healing & Informative Site About Narcissistic Sociopaths

No Contact ~

broken_phone_

No contact is essential. Your pride and dignity are riding on it. You have the upper hand with no contact, Hang on to with dear life.

Establishing, and then sticking to the no contact with a sociopath is extremely difficult, at best! However, it has to be done or the viscous cycle of hell you have been in will continue. You probably want answers to many many questions, but you will never get those answers. And if you do, they most certainly will be more lies.

Whilst you are left reeling from the life spent in crazy with your Narcissist Sociopath, they have sailed on to their next victim. There are so many things you want to say to them, but your words will fall on deaf ears. The months and years you spent giving of yourself to the sociopath, they gave nothing! They came into the relationship giving you nothing, and they leave with your heart and spirit.  But you can and will recover! You just have to establish the no contact, and stick with it!! Here are some reasons why the no contact is imperative:

  • You want to have the last word, you want them to understand the pain they have caused-remember, they don’t feel mental & emotional pain.
  • You want them to apologize. An apology will do what? Make you feel better for a moment? Remember Sociopaths are never wrong
  • You still love them. You are in love with the illusion  they created of themself to manipulate you. Understand, they never loved you, they are incapable of love.
  • You feel sorry for them. This is an easy ploy the Sociopath uses to manipulate you back in. Do they feel any remorse or sorrow for the destruction they caused you? Absolutely not! Remember, they are without consciousness.
  • You want answers & accountability for things they said and did to you during the relationship. A sociopath is not going to take accountability for anything! Even if you have positive proof of their lies and deceit.!
  • You want to know how they could walk away so easily. They can do this because they are hollow, soulless individuals.
  • Sociopaths destroy us piece by piece. By not allowing contact you will be able to start putting the pieces back together.
  • You want to see how (or with whom) they moved on-if you have them as a friend on Facebook-BLOCK them immediately! If you snap-chat, block them. Block them on your phone. Any means of contact you have had with your Narcissist Sociopath you need to remove and/or block. All you will be doing is causing yourself more pain. It does not matter who they moved on to next, they don’t care what is happening with you, so give them the same lack of respect! And just know, it will be only a matter of time before their next victim realizes who and what they are. Let that give you some peace.

You will find yourself, early on in the no contact stage fighting many emotions. You will have an overwhelming urge to contact your Ex, and then that feeling will subside followed by anger, then more questions and so on. This is completely normal! The end of a relationship is like a death, it has to be grieved. It is a death of your future together with that person,  a death of the love you had for them.  And during grief you are on a  roller coaster of emotions, sometimes hourly! But remember, during the no contact you will start to see things more clearly……the manipulation spell you have been under starts to dissipate.

If you feel like you just have to contact your Ex, compose an email and save it to drafts, DO NOT SEND IT.  {I will have a post about establishing boundaries if you have to have contact because of children and/or other situations that bind you to the sociopath}. It does help to get your words out, however getting those words out to the Ex does nothing except give them control again. If you want to text because you ‘miss them’, or want to know ‘how they are’….again, you are giving back control! They have your number, and your email, IF, big IF they  wanted to contact you~they would. But sociopaths do not work in reverse….they are constantly moving forward looking for the next source of supply. Be the one that end’s the supply source from you!

You are a strong person! And you can do this! You may have to establish the no contact multiple times because you are just crawling yourself out of hell. And it’s ok! Each day that goes by is another day YOU are healing. The scars will forever remain, the pain however will eventually lessen.  You may be starting your life completely over, and we all have fear of the unknown…try not looking past today (or tomorrow). The Future Happens One Day At A Time

©sociopathlife.com
If you would like to contact me, please feel free to send me an email at: TaelaHill@mail.com I would appreciate a donation as I devote a
LOT of personal time to this website and also to your emails.
Donate Button with Credit Cards

686 Responses to “No Contact ~”

  1. Sarah

    Thank you all for the comments of support. It truly does help!!! Yes, I rented a house through Airbnb on the other side of town . I did that back in January. I really didn’t want to part with the money(especially as a teacher) , but the trade-off is peace if mind.
    I truly appreciate the comments about how he is treating the replacement. I know that she spends the night at his house ,and he parades her around my own mother!!! I told my Mom to tell me nothing any more. When I was with him,I never once stayed over at his house. He always had some excuse about what he had to do early in the morning. I never even asked -he just had his excuses pre-planned. He would bring up marriage with me,though,and I bought. He is truly too low for the dogs to bite!!
    This site and the people are amazing🌸. It is true about hanging on to no contact for dear life. My dignity is riding on it ,and I am using it for what it is intended- to get away forever.

    Like

    Reply
  2. Sarah

    I thought that I was doing better ,but this past week has been hard. I don’t know what has triggered my thoughts of him.
    Maybe it’s because I go back to Texas(where he lives) in June for 2 months and have had no contact with him since January. He has been super fake friendly to my Mom even today who is his neighbor. Why can’t he just stay away???He is with his new supply -the one he replaced me with immediately after I established boundaries in December.
    I still wonder if he is treating her better and feel foolish for even wondering. Why should I even care?? He was horrific to me-I have NEVER had anyone treat me as badly as he treated me. Nothing is normal in dealing with a sociopath -the breakup isn’t even normal.
    I know he is expecting to see me around but I rented a house across town. I never want to set my eyes on him again!!!
    If I had to bet,I think he feels entitled to know my whereabouts and what I do-the reason he is trying to talk to my Mom.
    I am still so drained from dealing with this person even after living 1800 miles away from this empty and cruel person.

    Like

    Reply
    • alohalover

      Hi Emily….don’t waste your time on what the trigger may have been. It could be anything. Focus instead on moving past that feeling. It’s not easy but you can do it!
      June might not be easy for you since he lives next door to your Mom. Is there a way you can both rent a lake house for 2 months just to get away from there? I know, it’s not that easy. Being home will be the challenge and you may want to ask Tela what she would do.
      Of course he will be fake friendly to your Mom….but it’s a show he put’s on… part of the act. He’s a magician and he can pull rabbit’s out of his hat and he can change masks just as fast.
      The new one….he’s treating her the same as he treated you. I would bet he’s taking her to the same type of places….he’s the same, he will never ever change, even if he is treating her well now…..the day he changes his mask is coming. Believe me, it’s coming. And be ready for him to discard the one he’s seeing now, so he can be free to try and win you back…..DON’T BUY IT. Sociopaths don’t change….he will always be the way he is right now….or worse.

      You’re right …the sociopath break-up is in no way like any breakup anyone normal has ever been through and that’s why it’s so hard for them to understand and why people say “just get over it” “it’s time to move on” etc…Unless they have been on this side of it, they will not get it….EVER.

      Stay strong girl and know we have all been there and some haven’t come as far as you have. Hang in there and if you need strength….reach out.

      Like

      Reply
      • Casey

        the comment from others I hate the most is Get over it and move on.

        they don’t know the hell you’ve been thru.what you’ve lost. how it changed your life forever. The mind games. The abuse.

        It’s not a break up w a normal person w a soul n feelings. It’s like exorcising the devil from your life.

        Like

    • Casey

      I am where you are now as well. I am trying thst whenever I think about him I only think of how horrible he was to me. Even now I know when things were great he still was cheating on me behind my back so even the great times were not real. He uses facebook to stalk his new supplies. I know mine thinks he’s gonna see me when he gets back in town but I know how I’m handling that. I broke NC after 15 days but as he’s back june 5 I decided last contact w him was may 5. 30 days my goal now. I told him he can’t have me anymore and goodbye. ofcourse he won’t say bye and said STILL I’m not making a decision on us until I’m back home. Well’ I made my decision. I’m no one’s DECISION not after 3 years of supporting him.I refuse to be treated badly. I refuse the disrespect.
      I know it’s so hard but the only hurt I think they will ever get is when they know they can’t have you. can’t talk to u. control u. atleast for mine I know when he sees I’m mot on a shelf waiting he will feEl it. who could want to be w a man who made me lose my home my job was abusive violent and has no remorse? I have to tell myself that and keep trying move on. He has and will continue to cheat lie and take. He’s pathetically sick . any woman w no access to his phone or w him 24×7 will eventually be chested n used.
      oh and mine has always been contacting me while w others. I’ve always been in the background .

      Like

      Reply
    • Rosie

      Sarah, I understand what you are feeling. I have been away physically from the ex for a year and a half, that’s the easiest part. I have found it’s much more difficult to escape them mentally. I was doing very well, and thought I was in the clear, then a month ago I start seeing him, driving by where I work, waving at me, etc. I pretend I don’t see him. I know he is still with my replacement, who knows why he is doing this. I think they like to play cat & mouse with us, and want to see if they still have the power to rattle us. I will never give him the satisfaction of finding out, like you, I want nothing to do with the ex. I still think how wonderful it would be if the ex’s could just disappear off the face of the earth, wouldn’t that make things so much easier?? I have read your posts before, you seem like you are a strong person. You may have to dig a little deeper and be even stronger to deal with your move back to Texas, but I am positive you can do it! I wish you peace, and don’t try to struggle with this alone. I have found it so helpful to be able to reach out to people who understand what it’s like to deal with a toxic person. Take care and chin up!

      Like

      Reply
    • Rosie

      Oh and Sarah? He may be treating the replacement better for now, but it’s all a big fake show. These people do not change magically for the better, he will not be able to keep up the pretense of being a “great guy” and then the truth will come out. He may even treat her worse than he did you. They are just one trick ponies and just keep living the same cycles over and over. I don’t know how they can live with themselves.

      Like

      Reply
      • Casey

        mine went back to an ex he had kept as a friend 4 yrs after they were together. dec 2015 he went back living w her. Within 6 months she threw him out and cut him off cold turkey. Never contacted him took a call text as she had some of his belongings.

        I’m taking now my cue from her. See he said he never let’s go of anyone. Seems like all his exes in Texas ( OK had to put a funny in there thank George Strait for that) are cutting him off.
        Everyone eventually he loses by their choice. I agree I don’t know how they live w themselves.

        Like

  3. alohalover

    April 22nd 2014…..Discard Day
    April 22nd 2017…..The day I felt like the old me
    May 2014…..thanks to X the sociopath, I had to file Chapter 13
    May 2017….. I have paid back the part of my debt we settled on.
    I AM FREE

    April 22nd and May 5th are 2 of the most important days of my life. I am finally free of his nasty, disgusting hold he had on my life. I walked around with a huge smile today and I loved it!
    I’m me again. I laugh. I listen to the radio. I socialize with friends. I do what I want to do when I want to do it.

    If you wish for freedom from the sociopath in your life, the vile evil person that has a death grip on you, know that YOU WILL MAKE IT TO THE OTHER SIDE. I promise you. It’s tough but you will make it.
    Someone here said the discard was worse than the death of his child and while that sounds unbelievable, I understand that…my discard was worse than the passing of my Mom. True…

    While I am free, we are never really free…the sociopath will continue the smear campaign over and over. You just learn…..He can never control me again. EVER.

    Stay strong and listen to Tela.

    Like

    Reply
  4. Carole

    After four years of an on and off relationship I have been no contact for six weeks. It was hard in the beginning but every day I feel a bit better. No contact means just that. Blocking them from every where. Phone, whatsapp, facebook, instagram, g-mail, snapchat them all. I am lucky he lives 30 minuites away from me and is working long hours so with a bit of luck we will not see each other. I don’t think he will try to see me as he was in the discard phase with me and that has been the ideal time to get away before he decided to come back again.
    I used to have this man in my head 24/7 and bit by bit I am going back to the old me, and if feels so good. No contact is the only way to get your life back and move on. It is hard yes, I have broken no contact so many times before but it gets easier every day.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • alohalover

      @Carole…..Congrats to you! The longer NO CONTACT goes on, the easier it will become. Just keep it up.
      Getting back to the person you were is the best feeling in the world. I wrote a piece under Happy Birthday and Sociopath Anniversary….it covers the way I felt and feel now. Amazing!

      Good luck to you!

      Like

      Reply
  5. Emily

    Hi everybody, my birthday is tomorrow, so today I got a birthday card from the ex. I have not spoken to him in over a year, but he has hoovered me off and on since our relationship ended. I have ignored them all. I asked the post office lady to stamp the envelope “Not at this Address” and mail it back to him. Do you think this will be the last I hear from him? He is with somebody else. Or would it have been better to have done nothing? I have had him blocked from texting, calling, and emailing for over 6 months. I just want him to STOP!

    Like

    Reply
    • Tela

      Happy early Birthday 🎉! He may be curious with that stamp on the envelope, is his return address on it? Maybe his new victim will see it?!?!
      Sadly this probably will not be his last attempt contacting you; however, are his attempts further apart?

      Like

      Reply
      • Emily

        Tela, thank you for the birthday wishes! Now that you asked I have realized his hoovering attempts are 3 months apart, like clockwork. The last one was an email in Feb, where he said he was sorry and would like to do things over. Fake, fake, I did not answer and reblocked him, I don’t understand how he keeps getting through on email. He still has his own house so he used that address, but I know he isn’t staying there. I have the feeling that he is either bothering me to keep him in my thoughts, or is hoping I will contact him so he can be rude and hateful to me again. He has been very polite in his contacts, but I am not falling for that! He seems very happy with his new woman, why not leave me in peace? I never bother him. Do these people ever give up??? I hope he doesn’t use this as an excuse to come by my house. That would freak me out, never want to see him again.

        Like

      • Sarah

        Hi Emily,

        There are many people on this sitewho have more experience with no contact and the aftermath than I do. I have only been no contact since January of this year. However, from my limited experience and reading the comments of others, expect the unexpected. I feel like it’s always ”opposite day” with a sociopath. Of course, you would think he would stay away but that is a normal reaction and nothing about dealing with a sociopath is normal.
        Have a wonderful day on your 🎂 birthday ! I am so happy to have found this site!! I am discovering it really takes time to get over this experience.

        Like

      • Emily

        Sarah, thank you! 😅 I agree, I would be lost without this site, people on here understand what it is like going though an experience like this. Opposite Day, how right you are! I like that!

        Like

      • Brandy

        I was going thru the same thing.. it’s like they just want to pop up out of nowhere just to get a reaction from us and to make sure they have some kind of control over our thoughts for them.. and then they leave us wondering when will be the next time they pop up again.
        I feel super emotional right now because i feel very bad for calling the cops on my ex yesterday after he was following me and almost made me crash.. I had to call the cops and he got pulled over while following me.. he got taken into custody and well now he is being deported.. I can’t help but feel very bad.. I keep thinking that maybe I should of just went home and ran inside and maybe then he would of left me alone instead of calling them cops. I love him even after everything he put me through and I never wanted any of this to happen.. I just hope he is safe and I hope he can find some peace.

        Like

      • Emily

        Brandy, please don’t feel bad for calling the cops on your ex, I think you did the right thing. Who knows what he would have done next? It could be something much worse! You have to take care of yourself, hang in there!

        Like

      • Brandy

        Thank you Emily and yes that’s very true maybe the next time he could of done something worse. I just hope I can get over him soon because at this moment all I want is to go visit him in jail 😢.. thoughts of even going to Mexico to live over there have crossed my mind and those are crazy thoughts that I don’t want to have!!!. these kind of people make it really hard to survive without them.. each day that goes by it’s a struggle but we hang on just with the hope that it will get easier soon.

        Like

      • Emily

        Brandy, I found it helped to not look too far ahead, just take one day at a time. Each day of no contact is a victory, and it does get easier. Try to do nice things for yourself, you will get through this and be much stronger at the end. It will happen!

        Like

  6. Brandy

    Hi everyone..i was on here back in february.. long story short.. I was dating my ex for a little over a year.. the last 4 months he would always break up with me for a week or two and then come back crying that he missed me and me like a dummy I would take him back.. well on Feb 28 I ended up giving him one last chance.. and we were good for 2 weeks.. out of nowhere he broke up with me again so I started no contact around March 14.. i talked to him one last time on April 12 after a month of no contact i expected him to be sorry and apologize..i was ready to forgive him but that conversation only lasted 5 minutes. He was an asshole and said he wasnt sorry for the way he treated me so i hung up and changed my phone number and got rid of all social media.. from March 14 to this day may 3rd he would come by the house every 2 weeks and just park outside honking.. never got off to talk to me at all like a normal person. Well today I finally had the guys to call the cops on him. I was driving down a street and he basically pulled up in front of me making me break hard.. I was able to swerve and drive around.. I had to call the cops on him because he was following and I was scared.. the cops caught up to us and he got booked into jail..

    I never thought he would be this kind of person. He is a narcissist and I see it now.. now I’m just afraid that after he gets out of jail he will want to hurt me since he always told me he would kill me if I ever left him.. and I’m sure now he’s really pissed if he’s sitting in jail. Anyone had an experience like this of having to put an ex in jail.

    Like

    Reply
    • Mel

      Hi Brandy I am sure that all narcissists are the same and we hope with all our hearts that they would never be the type of person that would hurt us emotionally or physically. He sounds like a sociopath. Never invite him back into your life ever, ever again. Take care Melx

      Like

      Reply
  7. Tammie

    I was with a sociopath, ended with a night in jail and a personal protection order against him. I work with him and recently have been moved to seeing him daily. I am a strong women. Sometimes wonder if I’m a sociopath because of lack of feeling for him. At work he ignores me yet downgrade me to others yet watches my every move. I hear that from others. The ppo is for 1year, will be up this june. The whole time he has gotten my friends to sabotage my car, stop talking with me and a disabled neighbor of his to call me on his behalf yet lying to police about someone else using her phone and not them. I’ve chosen no contact with him and everyone he knows, yet am concerned about him contacting me when ppo ends. Police have suggested that I quit my job and move. Family and friends suggest the same. Will that stop him or just provoke him?

    Like

    Reply
  8. Casey

    so day 13 NC and he texted me today. Of course it was all about his stuff and if I still had it or did he need to replace. Yeah stuff he has here is worthless anyways. I did not respond and I’m not. I do wonder what steps he’s gonna take when he sees ea day passes and no response from me at all. I don’t think he ever thinks I could just be done.

    Like

    Reply
    • Tela

      Please do not respond! That just starts the cycle all over again. You really need to block him on your phone. Do not allow him to invade your life again! Hold tightly to the No Contact. I know it’s very hard at times-however YOU now have control over your life.

      Like

      Reply
  9. Dave pilon

    I can’t believe I fell for it a second time, a total of three weeks in jail , a 100,000$ job loss, missed my youngest high school grad , all it took was a sympathy letter from the ex after my release, she proved again she is not worthy of my time, I need to forget I ever loved her,omit her from my thoughts , time heals but the decite and meaningless words still linger in my mind, was anything actually true

    Like

    Reply
  10. Casey

    I’f you also ever want another good song just for strength and well being it’s Better Off by Sara Evans. I recently came across this one. I’m on day 7 of no contact again after so many trys. But I’m sticking to this. It’s hard as he owes me so much money and I’m losing my home for me and my son. 48 years I built is just going away and I need to start all over. Hard because I know he has money and I need it badly but I’m not breaking NC this time. Even if he offers money to get a response. One day at a time.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • alohalover

      Good for you….you can do this. Stay strong and don’t contact him or take his calls, texts or e-mails. No matter what…..no contact.
      I celebrated 3 years of discard yesterday. I wrote about it in the section called Sociopath Anniversary.
      I totally understand about the money….I was in the same boat. You can do it and yes, one day at a time.

      Like

      Reply
  11. Sarah

    Hi Mel,

    I am glad my words helped you. All of the comments here have really helped me,too!!!
    If I had to guess,I would say that you are very correct about the ex”s intentions to get even with you. These sociopaths are mean,vindictive,and have to get the last word.
    Over the weekend,I was reading about Ted Bundy. He was dating a woman who broke up with him because of his immaturity and apparent lack of goals. Years later , he came back to show her that he was in law school and had changed. They began dating again and got engaged. Then ,he completely ghosted her. In hindsight,she ,of course,escaped a monster but I’m sure she was devastated at the time. They all seem to follow the same pattern of vengance ,and,yes, I did just compare all of our exes to Ted Bundy!!
    My mom called me Friday night to tell me the sociopath has been seeking her out when she is in her yard and putting on his sweet side.(They are neighbors ,and that is how we met.) A hoover that I will ignore because I know he has the same plan as all of them-to ramp up the cruelty later.

    Like

    Reply
  12. Casey

    I deactivated mine 3 days ago and yeah its like a huge weight gone. Like severing yoyrself from drama n the world for awhile gives you peace. In my case we have so many friends in common as its a big biker world and I know his newbie stalks abd someone stalks for him. Now w NC and no FB my life is mine where noone knows anything about me right now or anything at all.

    Like

    Reply
    • Emily

      Yes! I like the feeling right now of being private, I’m lucky enough in my case the ex and I don’t really have any mutual friends, he moved here 3 years ago and didn’t know anybody, so that’s a huge plus for me. I like knowing it’s almost impossible now for him to find out anything about me. Its a freedom, and piece of mind.

      Like

      Reply
  13. Riri

    Hello I’m back . I just wanted to say to all the new people on here commenting just keep moving forward take a day at a time. You will have set backs I started no contact on Dec 2015 but had so many set backs . Every time I gave in and contacted him it made me worse and in the end I hated myself. I had therapy and the counsellor advised me to never contact him again as it will bring back all the pain worse than before and it honestly did. Anyway reason I’m on here again is now I’m on to April 2017 and he’s out if my life for good and I’ve also moved on and seeing a lovely guy now. The problem I have now is that we’ve been seeing another 4 months now and the closer we get the more insecure I feel. All the bad thoughts are coming back from the ex cheating on me several times and I feel rubbish. I can’t help these feelings. The ex really did destroy my confidence and it’s badly reflecting on my new relationship now. I’m in a real good place have a real understanding guy but feel.like im.going to get hurt. All those feelings are creeping in again and lately just been thinking about the ex alot and the hurt he caused me and how I let it happen. If anyone has any advise on moving on it would be so helpful.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • Tela

      Riri, after reading your comment {twice}, this is exactly what I thought to myself ‘she is not ready to be involved in another relationship’. My reason{s} for thinking this are; you state that you are insecure, and the thoughts of the ex creep in. This tells me, you have not healed yet. We all have feelings of insecurity…that is normal. However, if these feelings start to become more frequent, affect your self-esteem and cause you to reflect on your current relationship, that is not fair to the new person, and it is not fair to you.
      At this point, you are not able to be truly yourself. Why? Because ‘yourself’ went through pure hell on so many different mental and emotional levels. And not enough time has passed for you to be involved with another. That is just simply my opinion, you know yourself best. I would seriously recommend you take more time to heal. It is okay to date, go out to eat, movies, clubs etc. But it is not okay to put yourself into someone else’s life, without being whole. If that makes sense.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
      • Riri

        Hi Tela. You are so right I’m.actually so afraid to let someone in.now. it’s is totally unfair to let someone else in my life right now. It defo isn’t the real me he is seeing, it’s a defensive me. I’m not ready to let my guard down yet. In all honesty im.not sure if I will.be able to trust again. The biggest thing that worries me is that when someone shows interest after the initial high I get from that i go back to putting myself down . That’s where all.my insecurity lies. I wonder why that person likes me. Am I fat. Am I pretty enough . There’s better out there. I don’t yet feel comfortable in myself. The ex really did destroy my confidence . I dont think ill ever go back to how I was before I got with the ex. I really miss that confident girl.

        Like

  14. Sarah

    Their games and delusions of their importance are endless! All of us are on our way to freedom from their terminal 3-year old behavior. Remember that when you get down.🎈

    Like

    Reply
    • Mel

      Thank you Sarah for saying that. He is still pestering me by text and E mail. I am trying to be strong. Why won’t he leave me alone? Does he want me to capitulate and go back so he can dump me again for having the audacity to leave. I am sick of him now. All my contacts are on my phone and lap top and it will take some doing to change. Sick of it I wish our paths had never crossed. Mel x

      Like

      Reply
  15. Casey

    I went 8 days and broke the NC. it’s hard o weekends as every fri I know he’s paid 4k and he owes me money. Being unemployed I need it to save my life. But again I get nowhere and now he’s betrayed me again by re friend ing the girl who cost me my job as well as he played his part. She had blocked him. But now came back to him. He once told me I can’t stand it because she’s bwtter than me. funny we look alike and I know she’s not. anyhow I’ve decided as he’s not back In tow. until june. NC agsin short term goal 2 weeks. then just do it all may as well. Somerhing he just doesn’t think I’ll do. Hope it drives him nuts as he lost control over me. I may eve. move before he gets back. I gotta do this. He’s not gonna help me. pay me back. it’s always on his terms.

    Like

    Reply
  16. Casey

    Yep I got that all the time. We’d be having a texting conversation then all of a sudden he’d say stop blowing my phone up and texting me. wtf?

    Like

    Reply
  17. Mel

    After doing NC for weeks I have let myself down by by answering a text from the narcissist over the Easter weekend. He texted to wish me Happy Easter and I replied to wish him the same. Later on I texted again asking how he was he told me not to keep pestering him. Now silence all over again. When will I learn my lesson? It’s back to NC for me and this time there will be no going back. The man is playing a game with me as a willing participant. But it stops right now no more the fool. X

    Like

    Reply
  18. Casey

    I totally agree. Everytime I looked I got even angrier. I sometimes believe life would be easier without social media all together.

    Like

    Reply
    • Emily

      Thank you, Sarah! I know that Facebook is called fakebook for a reason, but still wish I had not looked. Not even sure why it upset me so much, definitely not worth it!

      Like

      Reply
  19. Emily

    Hi, hope everyone had a peaceful Easter. I did something I should not have done this evening, and now regret it immensely – I looked at the ex’s facebook page. And there were the Easter pictures, of him, his new woman, his kids, and his entire family. The ex and his new woman look very happy together, the ex even looked almost human. The entire family was grinning like jack o lanterns. Even the dog was grinning. I am so very sorry I saw those pictures, please people, do not look at the ex’s facebook, even if you think it won’t effect you, it will. Please learn from my big mistake! Ugh!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • alohalover

      Don’t beat yourself up….we’ve almost all have done the same thing.
      Of course he looks happy, he’s feeding her the same load of BS he fed you and you were happy too. But, it’s an illusion….it’s fake. Everything he tells her is a lie…you know that. Your smile will come the day she finds out about his lies and BS. You know it’s coming, it’s just a matter of time. One of my favorite quotes”You’re a diamond dear…..he can’t break you”

      Keep strong!

      Like

      Reply
      • Emily

        Thank you, Alohalover, for the support. I was torturing myself with facebook, checking out the ex, his new victim, blah, blah, blah. ( we all know how much the ex would love knowing I was doing that! ) Well, I got so fed up with myself that I deactivated my facebook account a few days ago, and the immediate sense of relief I felt surprised me. I didn’t realize how much facebook was stressing me out. I am going to go ahead and delete my account for good. I can use the time I spent looking at that to do something nice for myself. And it’s one more tie to the ex that I have severed, and that is a very good feeling!

        Liked by 1 person

  20. Emily

    Alohalover – wow, I don’t know what to say. That must have been so confusing that he just left like that, when you thought everything was ok. Wow. On the plus side, I really like the way you are making your own traditions, and your own memories, free of any ties of him. That is very smart, and a great idea! I am also so encouraged to hear that it can take longer to heal than what I thought. The therapist told me I should have been over everything in 3 months. That just made me feel more dysfunctional, as I was still struggling. I have no animosity toward the ex’s new woman, I know she did not know he and I were still together while he was lining her up. She seems to be a nice lady, she will find out what he is the hard way. Her future is calling, and I feel sorry for her. Thank Heavens I found this site, people here are kind, helpful, and very understanding!

    Like

    Reply
  21. Mel

    Let is all hope that we never come across one of these losers ever again. It was an experience of a lifetime but not in a good way. I feel emotionally drained and unmotivated due to the narcissists manipulations and lies. How sick are these predators? He tries to hoover me but I don’t respond. I think he will get fed up eventually I hope so. Mel x

    Like

    Reply
  22. Emily

    Hi Alohalover, I guess the exs are one trick ponies, they just keep doing the same thing over and over, just with different people. I am learning! And good point about the current victim, when he has chewed her up and spit her out she is just starting on her healing, hopefully I will be thinking narc who?? That will be wonderful! I don’t have an Aussie, but I do have an 18 year old Great Dane/ Terrier mix, he likes hugs too! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  23. Maricela

    Hi this has helped me tremendously thank you for all your supportive words.

    Like

    Reply
  24. Sarah

    You are not being nosy at all. I have had no contact with him since January 19th.
    However, in my situation it was a long-distance relationship. He is in Austin,and I am in Los Angeles.
    I go back June 15th ,and he is my Mom’s neighbor. I am not staying at her house this summer but am renting a place across town. I am certain he is expecting me and nothing would give him greater pleasure than to parade his latest victim in front of me which is what he did to my mother. He also visited her twice to tell her that he is seeing someone else and that I was more into him than he was into me. Those were his exact words to my Mom and that happened mid -February. I just ignored it.
    It’s normal to still miss him eventhough he is a true ass. It’s because you were forming a connection and working toward a relationship -or so you thought. It’s a complete blow to your equilibrium. I am still jealous at the thought that he is with someone else ,and I was never even a jealous person! I go to this web-site when I have these feelings . I also feel shame at how duped and trusting I was. We just have to give it time and build ourselves back up.
    Btw,my name is Sarah but I was hesitant to write that in paranoia that he would find this.!!

    Like

    Reply
    • Emily

      Boy, that must be rough that the ex is your mom’s neighbor, but it must help to have the distance from him for now. It would be helpful if these people could somehow be sucked up into outer space, so we never had to see them again. Haha! I was never a jealous person either, and am also disappointed in myself for falling into his trap. My friends always say how perceptive I am, but really missed the boat on this one! Guess I wanted to believe he was my soul mate, as he kept telling me. Well, at least we know what to look out for next time, right?

      Like

      Reply
  25. S

    Hi Emily,

    Don’t be too hard on yourself. It takes time. I still feel bad about how I was replaced ,and why would I care?? He was a complete jerk to me most of the time. It’s difficult for us because we were invested in the relationship,and they weren’t. They will just continue on like that through victim after victim.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • Emily

      Hi S, the same happened to me, after the 5 months of love bombing I was not treated well. No birthday or Christmas gifts, lots of insults, put downs, manipulations, you know how it goes. That’s what I can’t get my head wrapped around, if he had treated me well I could understand my feelings a little better. But really, there is nothing to miss. Sorry for being nosy, but how long has it been since you have had any contact with your ex, and is it getting better for you?

      Like

      Reply
  26. Emily

    Ok, here comes Easter. Even though I never want to have any contact with, or see the ex again, I always seem to find myself struggling at the holidays. I can only imagine how the ex will be strutting around at my replacement’s house, putting on the big man of the house show for her and her family. Why should I even care? I know I should just be happy I don’t have to tolerate him anymore, and I am very grateful for that, so why do I even care what he does? Does anybody else go through this at the holidays, and any advice on how to stop thinking these thoughts? I wish I knew the answers myself, I have never had problems with so many conflicting, confusing thoughts after a breakup before. When does it stop??

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • alohalover

      Emily……let me share my Easter 2014. X and I had a great Easter brunch with his Mom at a really nice restaurant. Took her home and then went back to ‘our’ house….which is really MY house but we were living together. Everything was perfect. 2 days later, after a text filled mushy day, X comes home and says “I am leaving you” he took a few things and out he went. Gone….just like that. All the firsts will be hard. They will and you need to push through it and know you are so much better without him.

      What I started to do was make new traditions. It could be buying butter pecan ice cream, staying in my PJ’s and watching Lifetime on Easter Sunday. Gradually, you’ll change those traditions and settle to your new norm. There is no time frame so let it take however long it takes you to feel like you. It took me 2 1/2 years to be totally back to my new norm. Do I slide and think “what if” of course BUT I know in my heart of hearts it was a lie….all of it.

      Emily, she is not the replacement….she is a victim of a cruel and evil POS. She will be in your place one day.
      When you start to get in your head….come to this site and someone will reach back.
      Remember, this break up is NOT NORMAL and that is what no one other than someone involved with a sociopath can understand. Good news…you’re one day closer to all the chaos stopping than you were when you were first discarded. Hang in there!

      Like

      Reply
  27. Wayne

    I just wanted to tell you guys the good news. She is moving her things out of my home this weekend and i will finally be free! I cant not explain what a wonderful feeling this is too me. Also she called me today and i remaind TRUE TO NO CONTACT! I have not called back and wont! It is so amazing when you can reach the point of not answering there phone calls or text! I am so proud of myself and feel like i have really made some major progress! I am super excited for what my future holds ! For the first time i woke up without a overwhelmingly since of stress and pressure over my heart and its feels so wonderful to be finally free from the claws of a narcissist! Thank you people for this page it really saved my life ! Remember NO CONTACT! Only way to free yourself!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • Tela

      This is wonderful news Wayne! Freedom is precious, hold onto it. You are no longer her mental & emotional prisoner! If you find yourself having a weak moment, come back to my website…vent, read, and know you have ALL my support & others on your new journey. So happy for you!!! No contact is definitely the Only way to start getting you & your life back😊

      Like

      Reply
      • Wayne

        Thank u from the bottom of my heart really. I been refering a few people to this site that have the same issues. I tell them all it has helped me tremendously. Thanks again Tela

        Like

  28. Casey

    by his stuff I mean he’s nit getting it back. He’s in another state working until june. He took all he needs to live. The stuff here is hus old stuff he’s been moving back. forth between women. Each Friday I throw somwthing out in the trash. That’s my therapy for the money he owed me to save my car n home after he had again for the 5th time moved back in my home made promises..He can lose this stuff. Just his past. He can start new as I have to. Oh I already know he will try to return sweet talk but I’m at the point of don’t care. He can survive without these boxes of junk and the few clothes he’s left.

    Like

    Reply
  29. Casey

    I understand so much. I’m on day 5 of the million times I’ve tried no contact but this time I’m not giving in. I lost a great paying job. my home n car is on the line all because of helping this sociopath. I’ve found out lately his lying and cheating started months into our relationship. I gave him free shelter food. Helped his family and now he has recd 2 harleys on my dime he’s sharing w the new ones. Now he has a job and all. I got him w nothing. no money spent on me or paid back. I’m just done being a pawn in his sick game. He’s got no sense of reality. No human feelings. I went thru 3 years of this. I assume after a few weeks he will reach out as I still have some of his stuff but to me he’s gone. doesn’t exist except for my painfull hurtful life n thoughts I’m trying to piece together

    Like

    Reply
    • Tela

      Casey, thank you for your comment. I just want to address ‘his stuff’ statement. Too many times, people hold onto that ‘stuff’ simply for the Sociopath to get in touch. Put it in a box, mail it, give it to a family member to give him etc. But DO NOT wait for him to contact you regarding ‘his stuff’. If you think that is what will bring him back to you a changed person, you are fooling yourself.
      ‘His stuff’ is meaningless to you. Get rid of it! Block him and all means of him being able to communicate with you. Holding onto that ‘stuff’ is truly not helping you. If it was that important to him, he would have already picked it up from you. That in and of itself should tell you, whatever he left is not important. Get rid of it. Start somewhere.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
  30. Wayne

    You have no idea (alohalover) how glad i was to get your comment and all of you alls comments this morning. I been debating all morning on texting her and telling her how much i still miss her and wanting answers to questions i know will be more lies. I reread this no contact post like i said i would when i got that overwhelmingly urg to text. See i work on the river and im gone for 28days and home for 14. I didnt see this then but now i see. The whole relationship was a set up from the start. I was the perfect choice in her set of replacement . The man before me i actually got a prison sentence for 40 years. I dont condone what he did , but i understand how because of my narcs horrible nature he ended up there. Im fortunate the same did not happen to me. The whole thing i wish i would of stepped back and seen what was in front of my eyes. My narcs son was my best friend . I lived with him for 2 years before he introduced me to his mother and now i see why he was hesitant. Me and him had a bad falling out and i had no where to go and no one in the state . I was desperate and very down on my luck. She seen i was in need and capitolzed on my weakness. Confensced me that we were soul mates . (So werid that all the narcs ive been reading about say the same things. Like we all dated the same person. Why im so thankful i found you guys. She had me confenced i was crazy, guess all the narcs do the same thing) moved me in her home , stop talking to her son at all. Hasnt spoke with him or her oldest boy over 3 years. Should of thought to myself is she can do this to her own children why did i ever think she wouldnt do me the same way. She had he 18 year old son and 10 year old daughter in her home. They both have had no raising and been negleted all there lives so needless to say it was chaos from the very beginning. She talked to me into buying a home in the next town so she would have a better school for her daughter and be 5mins away from work. I trusted her so much I took my V.A. benefits and took a loan out and bought the house unseen. First day i walked in my home i already owned it. See how a narcissist can hook you so hard in the start that you think of this person as the one God sent you.. I would of never have made that kind of decision if I didn’t trust her with my entire financial future which was a major mistake. She wanted to get away from her kids because they were of no use to her. I found out even then in the beginning what i think of so much in my head now a days, the good days ( i thought were the good days) that she was sleeping with her sons 19 year old friend the entire time i was on the boat working . Never one time in our entire 3 year relationship was she faithful to me. Also mind you that our age difference is a little much. Just so yall dont think down of me know that i thought of her as a mother fiquer in the beginning and had no attraction to her as far as a relationship. When me and her son had our falling out she saved me from being homeless and some jail time with her connections so i felt in debit to her and would of done anything she asked me too. Age was just a number i thought at the time . I belived that we were destin to be together . I didnt see any of her flaws . Crazy how when you truly love someone on all their imperfections go away. Little did i know that all i was to her was a new and great supply. I am a extremely hard worker , gone for so long and very stressful environment in my line of work. Can be at times. I provided a home for her and her daughter. Treated her like a queen. Would of layed down my life for this woman and not one time did she honor my age difference, my hard work, my love, my trust , she was the only person i had to look out for me and my home, my faiful loving dog i have had for 10 years i even left in her care. What im trying to say is i trusted a person that was the worst enemy i possibly could of had. My narc is the greatest and cleaver lier i have ever met in my life. This is why this site has had such an impact on me. I have never met a person or another human being with so many of the narcissist characteristics as she has. I mean every single definition of a narcissist is her. We moved our new home and by the time i left 3 days she had already slept with my neighbor across the street. Then she met his brother and had a thing with him. The 2 brothers got into a fight over her in front of my house that i didnt know was over her. See you across the street is a complex like a big house with a bunch of roommates kind of like a duplex. So after that she slept with the other guy that lives there. Also she slept with her best friends husband at this time also . And all these men , have no jobs, live on welfare and she gave them more money and more love to people that just used her and she absolutely loved these people more that used her than she ever gave about me . The man who worked and provide for her. I was worthless, dum , pussy boy, who was fat, ugly and would never amount to anything. No matter my promotions at work no matter what I did for her it was never good enough but the people that did absolutely nothing for her she bent over backwards for. Me just being off the boat for 2 weeks i had no idea. All of these people and everyone that ever visited across the street knew what was going on. Me growing up in a small town . I trusted people she somehow convince everyone to treat me like I was their best friend so she can keep using me and them using me too I gave these guys money bought them alcohol treated them like they were my brothers and the whole time I was a fool. That’s the hardest thing to get over is how I seeing things that made me question but I just didn’t see this went on for two years. She even convinced her ten-year-old daughter to lie to me. I took this little girl to raise and she’s already following your momma’s footsteps. My narc always constantly could not be at peace . She is a extreme alcoholic, im talking open a beer at 4am and take 3 beers to work in her purse and by the afternoon i would just run for cover. I cannot believe I live so long like this. Constantly stepping on eggshells, always not sure where my choices we’re going to be good enough, scared she would leave me . Finally one day 2 months ago 3 people that knew what was going on called me on the boat and told me everything. Hardest longest trip i ever made on the river. When i confronted her about her betral she had me thinking it was all my fault for being gone so long and that i wasnt doing enough to provide for her sexual needs and financial needs. She told me if i was to try and get her out of my home she would hit herself , have me arrested and get a restraining order on me and get out of my house whenever she damn well pleased. So I had to go to court and try to get one before she did on me to protect myself. The judge set a court date. I also got a eviction notice and when i return from the boat here in 2 weeks i have to stand before a jugde with her and explain everything. Going to be very challenging for me. O did i mention she is a probation officer on this town and had all the connections with the court system and that im scared to death this is all going to blow up in my face? Even though I have evidence and that I shouldn’t be scared at all but just the fact that I still love this person, and miss my narc is absolutely the most insane thing . But reading all this on this page i understand why i feel this way. How someone that want to hurt me in every possible way , that i still have let her hold my heart is beyond me. No contact is the only way i can make it through this. And i know that as soon as the court and my house are sold i will never have to deal with this again keeps me going. I could write forever about this. This horrible experience has taught me valuable lessons when it comes to what i will put up with and belive it our not im a stronger person than i was. I want to thank all of you. You guys and this site saved my life. Hope you all come here when you are feeling down and weak when it comes to your narcissist. Its helps this guy every time.

    Like

    Reply
    • Tela

      Wayne, thank you for sharing your story. I want to address something; you refer to the ex as “MY”. She is not ‘yours’. To begin healing, you must stop with the words of attachment, i.e. my/mine/ours etc. Start using another term. “her”, or “xyz”, NOT ‘my’.
      Yes, you still love her, and will for a long time. The only, ONLY way to begin to heal, DETOX from a very toxic person is to stick with No Contact. No excuse! She could not, will not, and did not LOVE you. Read that again! It hurts, I know, but the sooner your heart and head get on the same page, the sooner you start your road to healing. And it will be a long hard road.
      As far as navigating the upcoming court appearance, do your best not to be negative, have your attorney present just the facts. No need to convolute the case with trying to paint her as a Sociopath. Do not try and guess the outcome, just take it one day at a time, be true to yourself.
      You may never get the answers to your questions, and I’m sure like thousands of other victims, there are many many questions. The only ‘answer’ you need is; you have realized what a sick/vile/toxic person you were involved with. That should answer a lot of questions.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
      • Wayne

        Those are wize words to live by. Answers all the questions . Appericate it Tela

        Like

  31. S

    Thank you,Tela, for this site and to Emily and Mel for your words. It is comforting to know that I am not alone. Congratulations alohalover on almost 3 years of no contact!! You are very 💪 strong. I have been reading your last post as an affirmation.
    I think most victims of a sociopath do wonder if the sociopath is a new person suddenly and the thought can be soooo painful. However ,it’s because we enter relationships honestly. It is hard to wrap our minds around another person doing it otherwise.
    When we get to the other side of this ,we will be stronger people!! Just think no more anguish and anxiety about their constant lies,the disappearing, the future faking, the horrendous silent treatments ,and the Jekyl and Hyde routine. The list could just go on and on!
    In Gloria Gaynor’s words ” Now I’m saving all my loving for someone who’s loving me.”🎵🎵
    Have a wonderful day,y’all!!

    Like

    Reply
  32. alohalover

    Wayne…..you’re still ‘new’ at no contact, so a slide is possible. I know I did more than once and each time, I experienced the same if not MORE pain than the first time he left. When I wanted to contact, I logged onto this site and it snapped me out of wanting to contact him. Living with a narcissist / sociopath is living an illusion, there is no truth to it.
    Don’t beat yourself up too bad, just get back to no contact and start again.
    Good luck! Stay strong! You’ll make it.

    Like

    Reply
  33. Mel

    S, we were never had the special relationship with them. Like you said we were one of many. I am glad now that I have been discarded because to be truthful I think I was starting to pick up some of his behaviour. Ugh.. Mel x

    Like

    Reply
  34. S

    Hi Emily,

    It is really good that you did not send the letter!! Consider it a victory that you were ahead of the therapist on that one.
    I am one to give advice(sarcasm/eye roll). I have found some days are better than others ,and today has been a bad day. It still hurts that I was discarded and replaced within days and that he flaunted it around. I still wonder if she is being treated better than I was. I tell myself that eventually it will end up the same way. I ,foolishly,thought he and I had a special relationship.However,I was just soulmate #118 or whatever number he is on now.
    I write all this to say that obviously this takes time because we are real people with real emotions. This site has truly helped,and reading other people’s comments such as yours has helped the healing.

    Like

    Reply
    • Emily

      S – that is exactly how I feel, and I also wonder if my replacement is being treated better than I! Even though we know they never change for the better, it’s still hard not to question these things. I had a bad day too yesterday, but lets make today a better one. 😀

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
      • alohalover

        Emily….you want to know if X (try to refrain from using my….X is fine) is treating the latest victim better. MY guess is he is doing the exact same things with the new victim as he did with you….why? Because it works for him. Why change the script…keep with what works. So, what you had, the new victim has, maybe a different location. He wants her to buy the BS and if it worked with you….it will work with her. The good news is….you are and will be further in your healing than his newest victim. It’s a normal feeling to have the thoughts but you are free. Hug that sweet Aussie of yours.

        Like

  35. Casey

    I feel your pain. 3 years for me too. Thought he loved me but it was all a game. He kept coming back. it’s only been 4 days no contact but I know he can’t go more than 2 weeks. this time I’m keeping no contact. nothing he can say I’ll respond. He gas stuff at my home he wants we. he gets back in June from work. He owes me so much money and ruined me financially he can forget hid stuff. He’s a player and used ne and has every narcissist sociopath quality to a tee. last mon he said we were done for good after the 5th time I’ve heard that. No amt of love bombing or anything will I give in now.

    Like

    Reply
  36. S

    Thanks for the reminder. Do not be too hard on yourself for breaking no contact. Yes,I agree this site is amazing and has given me so much strength.
    Count your blessings that you found out who she was when you did and that she is now out of your life!! Focus on you!

    Like

    Reply
  37. Wayne

    Im in week 6 of no contact with my narc . I messed up and broke it with a text message. Opened up this wound i had almost scabbed over. See we have to go to court here in the next few weeks. Trying to get her out of my home so i can sale it. I thought i could reason with her. Dont ever think u can reason with a narcissist. Only thing that came from breaking no contact was pain. Once again im reminded of how i loved this person and they never once loved me. Hardest part is learning that nothing was genuine. Nothing ever was true. 3 years of my life . 3 years of torment and pain. 3 long years of a hard lesson to learn. This web page was by far the best one i have read and can relate too. Very helpful in my current situation. I will go back and read this every time i think about breaking no contact. It was and still is the hardest thing i have ever done . Leaving and breaking away from my narc . Please do not break no contact . Things were getting easier till i open up and let her hurt me again. Stay the course. NO CONTACT

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

Your Thoughts:

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Basic HTML is allowed. Your email address will not be published.

Subscribe to this comment feed via RSS

%d bloggers like this: