A Healing & Informative Site About Narcissistic Sociopaths

10 Things to Stop From The Sociopath

As we know, life is to short to allow our happiness to be dictated by someone else. Now that you are away from the pathological sociopath lies, the sociopath cheating, the sociopath deceptions, here are 10 things to stop doing after life with a sociopath.

1  Stop running from your problems.  We are not made to instantly solve  problems. The sociopath causes a truck load of problems from mental, emotional to financial. One of our purposes of living is to learn and adapt to problems, however, we do not need to adapt to the verbal and emotional abuse from a sociopath. Write your problems down, solve them one at a time. Don’t run from them.

2Stop holding onto the past. Was life that fabulous with the sociopath? Are you missing the lies? Are you missing the abuse? Are you missing the feeling of how insignificant you were to the sociopath? Holding on to the ‘happy moments’ will not allow you to move onto the next chapter.

3Stop being scared to make a mistake. You were probably beat down and berated from the sociopath for something they considered a ‘mistake’. It’s OK to make them, you are after all, only human. You are not your mistakes, everything that has happened is to prepare you for a moment that has yet to come.

4  Stop looking to other’s for happiness. Before someone else can you love you, you must love yourself. And ask this, did your sociopath really love you? Happiness is also derived from love, be your own supply of love right now. Be your own happiness! 😀

5Stop feeling sorry for yourself. The sociopath may have left your life in shambles, and for sure the abuse done by them will most likely leave lifelong scars. What positive comes out of feeling sorry for yourself? It’s OK to occasionally revisit the past and feel sorry for what you endured, but stop letting this be a motivating factor for not healing and moving forward.

6Stop living with hate. You hate the sociopath for hurting you. You hate the sociopath for the pathological lying they did. You hate the sociopath for {insert your hate here}…..Stop with the hate and forgive. Forgiving the sociopath is not saying what you did to me is OK, it is saying to yourself the sociopath will not let hate live in me.

7Stop wasting time explaining yourself to others. Unless your friends or family have personally been involved with a sociopath they don’t need your explanations. And your enemies will not believe you. If you have children with the sociopath, be an example of who they are, not a cause.  Meaning, the sociopath most likely has a negative effect on the children, stop explaining that, and stop explaining yourself. Just do what is right in your own heart.

8Stop worrying so much. By worrying you are stripping yourself of momentary happiness, the same things you are worrying about today, will be there tomorrow. Unless you start doing what i listed in #1. The damage from the sociopath is done! You are now in control of your future, but stop worrying so much about it. Give time…..time.

9Stop being idle. The sociopath put you on the crazy train to nowhere, and now your off. Don’t be idle in your hurt and confused state. Evaluate your current situation and make a decisive action. Most actions make us grow out of our comfort zone. And the comfort zone with the sociopath could not have been all the blissful.

10Stop being ungrateful. We tend to focus on what we missed in our lives with a sociopath. The sociopath took so much from us, that it is easy to become ungrateful. Think about what you do have that other’s are missing. Right this moment think of one thing you are grateful for! What is it?

©sociopathlife.com

162 Responses to “10 Things to Stop From The Sociopath”

  1. Annie

    My bf is a diagnosed sociopath.He told me in the beginning.I am in China.Not really knew what does sociopath mean.I thought he was just lack of security and emotional sometimes.He did brought me much pain such as yelled me suddenly.diappear for one or two days and told me after just need some alone time.and go downstairs to send someone messages and told me just need buy some snaks and denyed what he did.of course cant touch his phone even only pics in his phone said is privacy.Fuck other girls when everytime we had fight.would say because of I hurted him and did it when we broke up.actually all the girls he hooked up are in long relationship.some of the girls want to marry him.Always has accident with his bank cards ask me pay everything like food airtickets train tickets hotels.I refused some but all the cost together I paid.just lately he started pay half of his cost and not fully of course.Never let me meet his friends even I cried for this many times.Said he is alone and not really have friends.people he is living with they are not proper friends are drug dealers.Not even know where he lives.only can wait him to visit me.said was busy on studying.A lots of lie.I should notice long time ago.
    Just lately I cant really stand the pain anymore.He refused me company him to airport when he left china.All I can think is there must be other girl would see him off at airport.I feel no hope.So I broke up with him.Then he told me actually he already has a son in spain and a wife in china.he cheated me for two years.by the way his wife does not know he has a son with other woman.and his wife now hooked up with other rich man too.
    That morning he told me this.I could not focus on work.cried in the corner of the building stairs.smok a lot while my hands was shaking.did not eat or drink for three days.slapped myself.swore him a lot by messages and voice chat.Even said wish him and his son and all the sick people with him die.Well I totaly lost control.Did not sleep for three days and nights also.He companyed me that period though.let me swore him.which I thank him.
    I have not let him go yet.I only try to explain how hard that time was.I was looking up answers online. how to get though easier .how to feel peace and happy again.read other stories how people be cheated like this.checked what is sociopath.even bought a book called psycology try to find solution for my own psycology problems by him and try to find any clue to see if he has any chance to find his peace and have a normal life again.I tried to sleep but cant.The way I deal with problems was always sleeping though.I always thought once slep then cant feel anything any pain.but I could not sleep.no matter how hard I try.had headache.My jaw pain also.Feel like everypart of my body was falling down.could not close my mouth even.had a tight nerve.Feel like all my spirit was gone.
    Well this is what I got though last week.What I am doing is when I cant control to question him about his words which I think is obvious lie.or anything about him bother me in my head. I do following things.
    1.sing a song.
    2.take shower
    3.put on a facial mask.
    4.read book aloud for 30mins at least.
    5.give my dog massage 10mins at least.
    6.do excise 30mins at least.
    7.buy one thing in the wish list.such a camare or some nice cloth I avoid cost money on.
    8.join one event.
    9.write chinese charates ten papes.
    10.book an online english class.
    11.make a meal.
    12.wash two cloths by hand while can listen music.
    13.do some cleaning 30mins at least.
    14.call my parents or one of old friends to say hello and ask them if they are well.
    15.watch a comedy movie.
    Everytime I felt down I picked one thing to do.normlly one by one.It did help me I hope can help you too.You may can try to make your own list.

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    • Marie

      I’m am a witness it will only get better…you deserve peace…do more reading on Socialpath and you will find he never cared..hes sick mentally ill

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  2. Christina

    Terrible advice. Lack of understanding the deep trauma that needs to be healed. This applies to a normal break up. Following these steps or expecting anyone to follow these steps after narcissistic abuse will only re traumatize the victim. It goes far deeper than this.

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    • Tela

      Thank you Christina for your comment. Will you please clarify your statement a “normal breakup”?
      I do appreciate you reading and commenting, however, your comment resonates with “I am not going to even try and follow these steps”. This article is not about re-traumatizing someone. This is about refocusing thought’s.
      Out of 145 comment’s, your’s is the only negative one. Read this article not from a victim’s perspective.

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      • Tina

        I agree with Christina. You make it sound like it’s cut and dry with a psychopath. You do these things and you will be fine. No, there are several layers of abuse to go through before you can get to the above. Depending on how long you have been in an abusive relationship it could take years to get to this point. I understand what you are saying, but it takes time. You make it sound like we are moping around in our jammies feeling sorry for ourselves. We are women, we never get to relax. We have jobs, kids, bills, and housework.

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      • Tela

        Tina, I completely understand your comment. And males also have jobs/kids/bills etc. These steps are not ones a person makes the day after being discarded, divorced, broke up. These are steps to take when the healing begins- and yes it can take years! I, personally have been through the MULTIPLE layers of abuse. I get it. I also get we have the ability to make our lives better. Because we matter!

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      • AlohaLover

        @Christina…Sorry, don’t know what happened there…For me, T’s advise was spot on for a sociopath breakup…..at least mine and others I have heard and read about. You need a diversion from the pain and trauma that has been tossed on you for no reason other than it was his / her time to leave. If you allow yourself to be completely swallowed by the pain you will never heal. I was in that type of pain for awhile because I had no idea what happened to me or why and little by little, I started to come out of it and now 2 1/2 years later, the pain is there but not even a pinch of what it was.
        A normal breakup, I would have said Fuck you and been onto the next…maybe be sad for a day. I think it’s sound advice.

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  3. Nabil

    HELP:

    I am an educated man., happily married but met a woman who I became close. She spends money on me and even my kids but I have caught her lie many time. I have seen txt msg from other men who I think are her other victims… I have also know she has a man outside of country as well. At first she was super nice, like wow…. buying me expensive stuff and paying for vacation. The first sign came few months after we dated, one day she just disappeared for the whole day and when I started to ask question, she became a totally different person….blocked my number and txt… So I admit, I ran after her… I slowly realized as she needed something she was super nice but other time she would push me away. Long story short, 2.5 years passed, I fought with her many times coz it was making me upset to see she would lie and I know she was, then I walked out, only to go back to her… In all this time, she would not care if I was gone but the GOOD PAST was dragging me back to her….Just recently, I got away from her for 3 months but some how we got back together… and she will take you back, no matter what I had said to her…. Just last week, I know she was shopping for new clothes as she was (MY GUTTS WAS TELLING ME) getting ready to see her other lover out of country…. She spent 2 lovely nights with me and on the 3rd night she told me that she will go away… so me being stupid insisting that I will go with her but if not she needs to call me every night so we could talk…. In a matter of 15 min, she turned the table on me again and started to bring all the old stories of what I have said to her before, this and that and she does not want to see me again…. ofc, I am being stupid, gave up on the idea and she calling me or I go with her…. She sort soften but not all that, and I know cause she wants to play hard till she goes, have fun with her other victim without being bothered by me….. I really need to get away from this and trust me I tried many times but I get dragged back to her…. How could I leave and also make her suffer so she could damn miss me…. I know some of the things I do, she does not get from a lot of people, esp the attention and I wan to make her miss me like crazy without getting me…. Should I jst leave or start ignoring her the way she ignores me…. Which of this will tick her off more… PLEASE HELP

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  4. Patricia Hensley

    I see. That is a different approach. Positive.
    I’ll make it.
    Before my friend told me to look up sociopath, I was so distraught. He had me acting crazy. I thought I was bothering him by texting or calling when I didn’t hear from him. He only saw me when he needed me. I’m pretty sure he wanted what little money I had left in my checking account.
    So now I have new plans and a better approach and I I have my situational and social awareness on high alert to make sure I don’t fall into the hands of another of this type.
    Thank you so much.

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  5. Patricia Hensley

    I read that there is a malignant sociopath. They are dangerous. The one I was with would pull out his huge 45 and want to start an argument with me. I would try to change the subject.
    When he became violent just switching from living and kind to yelling in my face, he didn’t seem to recall at times what he did.
    He also has an AR15 and a shotgun. If he is totally quiet, do you think he’s moved on or maybe still watching from afar? Just not sure if he totally let me go with the dear patty letter.

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  6. Patricia Hensley

    Hi.I hope you meant uphill. Not downhill.
    Right now I just get Vought’s of tears then they go away. Cause I think to myself…what am I crying for. Even at work.
    I told him not to show up at my work with my few things. He did anyways. With gifts from him.
    But haven’t heard a word from him and that is what worries me. He watches everything and he writes down everything. Notes and notes and notes.
    Thank you so much for getting back with me. That helps knowing I wasn’t the only unknowing victim.

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    • AlohaLover

      I guess in the way you look at it.

      I clawed my way to the top ….through the lies, betrayals, the whores. I never thought I would make it to the top….but I did and now I am sailing down hill to the other side….a new life.

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  7. patty

    The more I read articles like this the more I can understand.
    My ex sociopath boyfriend talked me into leaving my family, my horses, the country farm.
    He had me thinking I needed his sex to be happy.
    He insulted me. Then built me up. Then let me down. Told me not to question him. Just do as he says. He would spend every weekend for a month totally devoted to me, then when I started feeling happy with him, he would cut me off for having feelings for him. My punishment for living him.
    After a year of rollercoaster on again off again happy then sad, he finally emails me a dear patty letter. Telling me what a wonderful woman I am, but he has no warm fuzzy feelings for me. He says he is evolving. I don’t know what he is evolving into, but he has massive thoughts of himself being n a higher level than anybody else.
    This is after I told him I won’t let him humiliate me any more. He said if that is how I feel then I am no longer his victim.
    So I’m assuming he has moved on to the next victim.
    No the healing begins. It’s so hard.

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    • AlohaLover

      Hi Patty,
      Welcome to this wonderful group of support! We’re all at various levels of healing from a sociopath.
      Be very happy that he wrote you a ‘Dear Patty’ letter and moved on to another. I know you’re hurt to the core but just know, this is the worst pain you will ever know and it’s down hill from here. Of course you will have a few bumps but the pain, hurt, betrayal will never be as bad as it is right now. Remember….no contact and don’t go back to him.because he WILL do it again.
      Turn to this site for support and strength.

      Sociopaths don’t evolve….they don’t mature…..they don’t wake up one morning and suddenly have compassion and love…..they don’t have it in them. They are evil and the best part….they will only get worse and no pill can help them. Even if you find out he’s in a relationship, it’s a facade.

      Good luck ! You can and will heal! Promise.

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  8. AspirationalOne

    Excellent post. I am certainly trying to forgive. More for my sake than theirs.

    We have to remember that whilst it’s amazing that we have all those wonderful empathic qualities.. we’re still but human animals. Feelings of revenge and injustice are a perfectly natural response.

    Just remember, ladies.
    If they got to benefit in any way just say to yourself.. ‘you know what? Enjoy it. My treat. I didn’t know better then’.

    I myself know that I won’t be waiting for the right shade of red on that flag and having dealt with the worst I know that this experience won’t repeat. Or at least..not easily. I also know that I will spend a lot less time rationalising, excusing or trying to understand.. They either respect those boundaries or they’ll be sent on their merry way without a second thought.

    We didn’t know better then. Now we do. And that’s not a bad feeling. It’s not a bad feeling at all.

    I won’t deny that I felt a slight sense of vindication when I heard that karma was kicking my ex-path’s arse. Probably came up against someone who didn’t have their hands tied..

    If it’s true that what comes up must come down then it must be equally as true that what is down must come up. It’s the universal law. Just remember – you’re stronger than you think you are and better equipped than ever before. Stay strong and I wish you all well.

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  9. bobthecat

    Left my socialpath girlfriend two weeks ago after 5 years. In pure raw lonely pain she never said anything nice in that time took all my money and towards the end became violent awful experience

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  10. Pippa

    The greatest trick the devil played was convincing the world he didn’t exist! That’s what sociopaths do and use good haearted normal people to convince the world they are all things good. It is horrible having your heart broken then living the pain when he is cold and arrogant towards you and your relationship meant nothing, because to him it didn’t and never will. Pain and grief are all normal responses for normal people in a situation of a relationship breakdown. It is hard at the start but the quicker you invest in changing your thinking and how you react to passing thoughts about him, because that’s what they are passing thought, the quicker you will see the evil in him and want as much distance and no contact between you and him. it is like this: if you love your coffee or tea because of the feeling it gives you but one day it is too hot and you burn yourself you don’t think ‘I really miss being burnt by my coffee/tea, I will do it again’. You are already aware of the pain it caused you and avoide doing it at all costs. If you are researching sociopaths you know of the pain they cause you. You know first hand what they are capable of. Don’t go back for more! You are worth much more love and respect. Raise your own value and lead a happy and full life without them because after all you are not in their future, and that is a blessing to you. I know first hand when I caught my husband having an affair when I was eight months pregnant with our second child. He had no remorse no care of the pain I was in and didn’t even care about his children. After the separation and a little time I found out just how horrible he is. Me and our children had no further use for him so he moved on like he moved car spaces – it meant noting. I found out about other affairs, the obvious lies and the horrible way he treated people outside our home. When I would confront him with the truth he would become extremely aggressive. That is only a very small snippet of my experience. Once I stopped all contact he could not control me and my life now does not involve pandering to his selfish self serving demanding attention seeking controlling abusuve ways and it feels good!
    Embrace the 10 pieces of advice – it will save you time and energy you can put into things that make you happy.
    God bless and peace to you.

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  11. Sandie Briar

    The 10 things I have read make all of my time with a sociopath put into perspective I have really tried to make sense of it all and now a light has come on I will reread these and act on them Thanks so much

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    • Tela

      Thank you Sandi for your comment. Print this list out, hang it on your mirror. What this will do is, positive reinforcement. This list is for us, the survivor. We just need to remind ourselves, the abuse we endured was not deserving, nor acceptable. Now, we focus on ourselves!

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    • Tela

      Thank you Gary. I hope you start to put in place the 10 Things to Stop from the Sociopath. It is truly the only way to start getting your sanity back!

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  12. m

    this is a great site lots of common threads same characteristics…
    bottom line we were used, lied to, an left to pk up our own pieces of the shattered puzzle….
    it has nothing to do with looks, age, what you do in life, we got sucked in an we all invested too much, while they always have a plan b, Thyre temporary people, gng frm relationship to relationship an posting it evrywhere they’re facebookers look at me constantly they seek attn&want what they want at the time for their needs….
    the pattern is the same they just tweek it a bit for ea person, period… an its exactly the same actions, pictures, fake lifestyle ….. an we alll hurt, dumfounded an the things they like dislike? that changes w/ea person…
    I’m devaststed ill always hve a part of me that sz are you kidding me? 7yrs I was w/him an poof! I finally deleted his ph number, text msgs, dnt contact him I’m yesterdays news….. it more abt me now I work on it daily…. I graduated Med Asst program first step for me, what are they dng? same box, same pattern, not living ,its a merry go round stuck in a circle round, round…..
    its not us its Them!!!! what goes around comes around, watch people….!!!!!
    it will always sting, but all that glitters isn’t gold…. lesson learned! blessings to evryone…….

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    • Tela

      Thank you M for your comment and sharing. The pattern is the same for each and every Sociopath. They are self-serving, hollow, no conscious individuals. It is up to you and every person affected from a Sociopath to STOP everything. Yes, it is difficult to change your thought process when you have been ‘programmed’ to believe so many lies about yourself. Yes, it is hard to stop thinking of them……..however, you had a life prior to the Sociopath, and you will have a peaceful life post Sociopath.

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      • janet

        For the past 7 years of being separated from my husband it has been a learning curve from feeling he was passive aggressive to now feeling he is a sociopath….i worked backward to determine who they are drawn to…the answer ’empathetic’ people…we have parts of our nature that want to be needed…so my solution hs been reclaiming myself over the past 7 years in every area of life…this new insight of a few days led me to anger…of realizing he fit the list of traits for the most part….whether passive aggressive/narcissist/sociopath it’s unearthing why I needed to help so much…why I always regardless of hurt, looked past these traits…abandonment/rejection are some areas at the heart of the draw….passive aggressive didn’t however make me this angry…sociopathic tendencies makes me feel I was ‘conned’….my thought went to with any future man is to hold back with empathy and an over desire to help/fix….the first therapist who we only saw once said ‘he will never be accountable…i’ve seen his type’….it’s difficult for heart-based people to believe there partner manipulates and will never accept responsibility…but I am wiser and more wholly integrated…I have my own autonomy, initiative and self reliance in place…I have boundaries of self respect now….it’s a jarring process but a lesson learned….their ‘covert’ abuse wasn’t acceptable…even the overt abuse wasn’t….with self awareness and measuring out empathy to appropriate people we will heal…we will find a way to forgiveness but never forget as it’s a lesson we needed to learn.

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  13. notme2014

    Thank you Tela…every time I feel like that, I come here. Your site is such a tremendous help!!. I hope one day I can just let all his actions, cruelty, hateful words, go. He went from ” I have never loved anyone before like you “…to… Pure hateful evilness. Name calling.. Hitting below the belt… He knew my ” buttons ” and could sure hurt me with them. Thank you again…

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  14. Heidigirl11

    I’m trying and struggling with everything on the list. I know he’s horrible, he’s evil. I keep breaking no contact because I can’t stand it anymore the empty feeling, the shaking and crying. I do fine and then something will trigger me I think it’s him but then think I’m crazy. I don’t want him back which is what’s funny. I just want to see him or talk to him but then he’s wonderful at first then kinda quiet and then ignores me. Im devastated and then start no contact again. I just can’t stand the pain and the crying and the wailing. I feel like there will never be peace. That he’ll keep doing things to trigger me. I feel so weak right now.

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    • Tela

      HeidiGirll, what you are going through is completely normal! I know you cannot understand that right now, but you are trying to break what amounts to an ADDICTION.
      When you break the No Contact, the pushing and pulling {from the Sociopath} starts all over again, and here you are, feeling like YOUR the crazy one. Heidi, I promise, you are NOT the crazy one. You have to get to the point that the day’s of crying, the pain, the wailing are enough! When you get to that point, start over again with No Contact~
      and mean it! Make that commitment to yourself! The Sociopath will eventually sail on to another innocent person, destroying another innocent person’s life. Hasn’t he done enough to you know? Its’ time to let go and heal.

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      • Heidigirl11

        Tela. Thank you so much for responding to me. I just needed to hear from someone that has had a similar experience. That what I’m feeling is normal. I have read so much about them and their behavior, I still have a hard time getting myself past the withdrawal phase. I started no contact all over again two days ago. I said goodbye to him which helps me, I know he doesn’t care. I just hope I make it to the other side. Wish me luck! Thanks again!

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      • heidigirl11

        Thanks so much for your kind words I really needed to hear it. I’ve made it one week today! It’s an accomplishment! It’s been hard but I told him he is evil and I’m sick of playing games that I’m tired of him and don’t like him enough to keep doing this. He has done enough and I don’t deserve the crap he dishes out to me. I pray for the strength to keep going.

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    • AlohaLover

      Heidigirl11, Welcome to the site and to sanity. Everyone and I mean everyone here has been right
      where you are. The stories may differ, the points of our journey may differ but the common thread is that we’ve all been through hell and we’ve made it out alive even when we may have thought otherwise. The most important thing to do is shut him out of your life, your thoughts everything. We’re addicts and kicking this addiction is hard but you can do it. You have a huge support team of people you don’t know but who have been there and can offer an ear. Tela is an Angel and will tell it like it is….no candy coating from her. Bookmark this site and read it daily for strength. I’ve found if I keep a journal of all the things he has done to me, the lies, the guilt gifts, the guilt cards, guilt flowers, and trips, or checking his phone in the middle of the night, the calls to and from whores, porn on his phone that he would watch on the way home, the personal ads seeking sex on Craigslist ( how low can he get ) lie after lie……and so much more, a journal helps me to keep it real. I’m lucky, when he moves onto another victim he doesn’t look back. It will be 2 years April 2016 and there are still times when I slide and think of him and wonder if he really is a Sociopath but he is…..he always has been, even when he was married. The thing that keeps me going is knowing he will always be a Sociopath, he can’t take a pill, or go to therapy he will always be a sick man….and I love it.
      Keep strong….move forward and if you slide, get up and start again.

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      • notme2014

        Having a bad day today…all the verbal abuse running around in my head…” Enjoy the rest of your pitiful life with your little dogs, they are the only ones that can stand you”…open that mouth of yours again and I’ll tell you exactly what i think of you”…. “Hope you die alone”….” Diet and excersize you discusting sow”…. Been over 5 months NC…and still…..this shit just blindsides me like a ton of bricks…hope it ends soon….

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  15. Debbie collins

    This is soooo true I’m in the feeling sorry for myself thinking about how once he gave me everything. Now he has thrown me away he didn’t give me closure he said you live your life and I will live mine and our marriage is not going anywhere so many lies. Girls phone number in truck and when I brought it up he kicked me and my daughter out. Then told everyone it was my 11year olds fault. He is gutless and an arsehole and I liar so manipulative he had me believing it was me. He kept loosing his phone????????? I would call him and he would yell out stop harassing me ??????? What is that so many things I can’t explain. Now I’m living with my little girl on my own financially broke. Broken marriage I thought it was forever!!!!!!! How wrong could I have been

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    • Debbie collins

      But this has helped me the 10 steps I know there is a new life putt here for us and I will find a beautiful man not a lying cheat!!!!!!

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    • Tela

      Hi Debbie, thank you for your comment and sharing. Yes, the Sociopaths have that way about them to make you think you will live happily-ever-after, when in all reality they are evil with a name and face! I’m terribly sorry and my heart does hurt for what you have endured. PLEASE, understand, YOU did nothing wrong. I know that does not ease the pain. There are thousands of victims of Sociopaths, who are as broken emotionally/mentally & financially as you are. But I promise you……..one day, this will be behind you. Right now, try not to focus on the ‘why’s, how come’s etc’….you will never get answers, nor will you ever get the closure you truly need.

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    • AlohaLover

      Hi Claire,
      This whole site is helpful. I have been out of my sociopath relationship, it will be 2 years April 22, 2016….there are times it feels like yesterday and those are the days I come to this site and read and re-read everything.
      Keep strong and it will get better.

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  16. notme2014

    Tela, I am actually surprised you posted the comment from Jay, but am glad you did. I am far enough along in my healing to read this and understand and know I will never go back. I have been no contact over three months now. It is ok to know they are human beings with HUGE issues, my goal is to feel compassion and forgive… And to acknowledge and understand…but to also recognize who they are…and never get “sucked in” again. Reading Jay’s comment did make me cry, and wish things could have been different… But I KNOW IT WOULD NEVER BE. Tela, thank you again. For all your work and this blog, you have helped so many. Love and light.

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    • AlohaLover

      Having a bad day today…all the verbal abuse running around in my head…” Enjoy the rest of your pitiful life with your little dogs, they are the only ones that can stand you”…open that mouth of yours again and I’ll tell you exactly what i think of you”…. “Hope you die alone”….” Diet and excersize you discusting sow”…. Been over 5 months NC…and still…..this shit just blindsides me like a ton of bricks…hope it ends soon….

      In the words of Jimmy Buffett….I’ve had good days and bad days and going half mad days.
      Hi NotMe2014…..My ex said the same thing to me. He also said that I will never find anyone like him again in my life. WELL….LET’S HOPE NOT!!!
      It will be 2 years for me April 2016 and things STILL trigger an emotion and it takes work but I can work my way out of it because I will remember all the abuse and I will NEVER let a man abuse me again…..ever.
      As soon as you spot a trigger or feel a trigger, think or do something else….you can do it ….. I never thought I could live without him but I am.
      Will it end soon……it’s been 5 months and to me, that’s still very fresh so stay strong, read this site over and over again and tell yourself you are not to be abused by that person again.
      Stay strong!

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      • notme2014

        Aloha.. Thank you for your words of encouragement. I do come to this site…probably everyday!! It keeps me strong in the NC..and helps me to remember what he is. I have read your posts and know the hell you have been through too. I hope you NEVER find anyone like him. 🙂 I try hard, but his bullshit runs through my head like a record sometimes…:( I feel better today…off to work. Love and Light.

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      • Tela

        Good morning NotMe2014, it sucks when those IT MOMENTS. Yes, out of the blue, your start remembering all the nasty, hateful/hurtful words said. You remember his actions sailing in and out of your life.
        I am proud of you for working through those this weekend. It’s hard as HELL, but everyday you work through those ‘moments’ or day’s, or the ‘record on repeat’……….just know your one day closer to healing. Those days and moments will become less frequent. Will thoughts of him every go away? No. But they will be different thoughts~ not the verbal attacking of yourself that are still so raw to you! 😀

        Liked by 1 person

  17. jay

    I am not a huge fan of writing long stories , but the follwing is what i went through and i want to share simply because it might save lives.

    It did not take courage to share this, it took time for me to finally accept that i did live through a sociopath episode, an episode that lasted a good amount of years, roughly 14 or 15, with me finally realizing it probably 70 hours ago.

    When sociopathy first hits you, you do not know that it actually hit you, it starts getting inside you easily. Your father hitting your mother, your father hitting you, your father shouting at you, you’re crying at the balcony and the hairdresser is asking you : why are you crying ? is it because you cant come play football with my kid ? and you nod a yes but its really a no. Your mother hitting you , your mother shouting at you, you’re around a circle of people that constantly criticize you at school, your clothes, your appearence , at times your religion ( i’ve actually done that when i was 10 or 11 ). You get molested at the age of 14 and you dont tell anyone, because you think its not worth telling your parents about it, because why.

    At 18, a new country, new surroundings , fresh people, fresh experiences. Alcohol kicks in , you give yourself excuses. Fall in love with a girl who just broke up , who is torn and who is not telling you the whole story, you accept it and you say that you will live with it, but what coming is way worse. She will start using you and you will start using her, emotionally. You will drain each and every drop and so she will, because she is basically you, she needs emotions , emotions that fuel you, postive and negative ones.

    After 5 years you break up, and you immediately jump into another relationship because you fell for a bigger sociopath, you start the same process again, emotions. You start sniffing the emotions. You sniff sniff sniff, she sniffs and sniffs and sniffs until it dries up.

    Got bored, you go on to the next one, but here comes the pickle, she is not a sociopath. She does not want my emotions… why does she not want my emotions, you’re gonna want my emotions, im gonna make sure you want it. I start feeding you what i was fed, what i was breathing. You fell for it but you then stood up and then you fell again , but then you stood up. How do you keep doing that ? Why are you not normal ? Why cant you love me ? why dont you love me ? wheres the 100% ? why cant you show it the way I show it ? How can you be happy like that ? I try my ways with you, i leave you and then come back and then promise you things and tell you things , and then you fall and then you stand up again, and then you fall and then you stand up again. And then my mother dies , i cry for a total of 1 minute and 12 seconds probably and i feel sad for not more than 2 minutes in total, but i act sad because people around me are sad and i guess thats what people should look like around a dead person, mother in that case.

    And then we’re back to our tape, you fall and then stand up , fall and then stand up. You are so abnormal, you dont know how to love, you are cold , you dont deserve my emotions, you dont do what i tell you to do, you choose to please other people but neglect my feelings, my emotions. fuck you, you do not love me.

    And then i stand up, hoping she will never fall down again. And i confessed to her that i cheated on her and that was the hardest thing i have done in my life. She is devastated and in deep pain and i am glad that i can finally see this. See the monster i was.

    Sociopaths dont believe in the 50/50 theory, its either 100 or fuck you. You better make those tears worth it , and if you’re happy, show me that orgasm of yours otherwise you’re faking.

    Sociopaths feed on emotions, your emotions, thats how they function because thats what they lacked in the early stages, cuz thats what they turned into, an emotional trouble.

    Sociopaths are good liars, excellent manipulators, double faced, they are so double faced that they will act sad and pissed at home and will be happy outside, especially around their circle of people who are either other sociopaths or whom they are in the process of turning them into a sociopath.

    Sociopaths are fucking sick… No, they’re not. I do not hate my parents or any person that had a negative effect on me , i hope they are in the process of healing or on their way to heal, i dont even hate the guy who molested me. My father probably inherited it from his family ( and he has 11 brothers and sisters ) . My mother probably inherited it from him, I got it from them and other factors while growing up.

    A sociopath does not choose to be one, it is not a choice, it is not paper or plastic , there are many factors that come along the way, mine were the above, yours might be different, keep looking. A sociopath will live in denial, a sociopath will not take a word of whats written here if they are in the middle stage of the episode , cuz they are full of themselves, trust me , i was there. But dont blame them for that, it is not their fault, wish them well, accept them, hear them out, and offer them an ear and a shoulder to cry on, but dont you ever walk in their shoes, cuz thats what they want you to do.

    Listen to them and let them talk and offer help, but do not walk in their shoes, stay away. Do not fall for their apologies and sweet talk. Once a sociopath realize what he or she is, you will feel it, they will give you your freedom, they will accept the term of letting go, anything other than that is a lie, and trust me, i have been there. A sociopath will never answer to facts, instead they will attack the messenger.

    I have hurt many people and people have hurt me, only now, i can finally say im at peace with what was done to me and what i have done. I have finally forgiven myself and forgiven the people who brought this pain unwillingly upon me. It was not their choice, neither was it mine. I, by all means understand that people might still not forgive me for what i have done, but i am at peace with myself after a long time of trying to understand what was the issue.

    If you think that a person close to you might be suffering from anything of the above, hear them out , talk to them , pass this on to them. Tell them that it is not their choice to be in the state they are in and tell them that they can pull out of it, tell them that its an illusion , tell them that there is no such thing as 100 , and tell them that 50/50 is a totally acceptable deal in this world we live in. Tell them that when they walk on their street and they step accidentally on an ant or a snail, it is fine , it wasnt their intention and they shouldnt feel deep sorrow for accidentally doing so. Tell them that even though Van-Gogh was a great artist ,his death is a living proof that living an illusion will lead you nowhere.

    Make no mistake, sociopaths and psychopaths both have goodwill inside despite the other bad characteristics, they will be helpful and they will do any other other normal task that you do, only they do not find the peace in doing the same thing with one person for a long time. There is this itch that always tells them to pursue more , more and more when they cant even handle one thing at a time.

    Confucius once said : “I allow the lad’s coming, not what he does later. Why be so harsh? If a man cleans himself to come in, I admit his cleanness, but do not warrant his past.”

    The sociopath’s pain is in his past, never his present.

    I am hated by many now , and i can feel the hate and i accept the blame. I do not expect my last girlfriend, ex now, to forget , but she will forgive cuz her parents are good people and she was raised in a healthy surrounding.

    people started doubting me when i started to be in peace with myself and when i started telling the truth. And i accept that, i accept the blame coming my way, but im still gonna hold on to the peace of my mind.

    of course im sorry for doing what i have done to people , and i take the blame for it and i caused it.i know what i was, i know who i was, i dont ever want to go back there because it is scary.

    Only few will be able to relate to that, and i hope those who relate to it could finally find peace in coming to terms that it was not something that they consciously chose.

    i remember when i was 6 or 7, my oldest brother and cousin broke into our house and stole some jewelry. I remember the scene, i remember my mother being mad at my brother and shouting at him ” how could you do this “. She was angry and she wanted to hit him and she was screaming.

    The kid she raised all her life did this to her.

    My mother would see that my father was earning money but he would not be sharing this with us, instead, he would spend it outside home and on his brother and sisters, so my mother started secretly taking money from him to give us. And then when i felt like i needed money i would start taking money secretly from him.

    These are not things that a peaceful human does.

    I cant possibly hate my parents, my brother or anyone for that matter who caused ill doings towards me or others, that was not them.

    I feel your pain here, all of it. Sociopaths destroy lives, but please it was not a choice.

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    • jay

      As s follow up on my story, i am coming across new things now. Going through this page, i realized that my girlfriend whom i have recently broke up with might have actually had a sociopath episode. In the beginning of our relationship, she was in contact with another person for like 2 months. She would go to the toilet, bathroom , everywhere with her phone. We would be in bed and the next thing you know she goes to the bathroom with her phone. When i confronted her once with a picture from her fb account like 5 months later that the guy posted to her ( a picture of his pee-wee ), she said he was just a guy who is stupid and trying to get rid of him. Within 3 or 4 months of our relationship, she said that she was going to meet him. When he bailed out on her, she called me and we met up instead. The dress she was wearing was transparent, high heels and make up to the core. She never felt that what she has done was guilty.

      I forgive her, i truly do, and i want her to realize that she has a sociopath disorder, if she doesnt come clean, i leave her in peace.

      To you all, at times , we enter a relationship with a sociopath because we ourselves do not know that we have it. Once you come to the terms of it, it becomes so easy and peaceful to let go, it becomes unbelievably easy. The healing process is going in an excellent way for me now tht i realize my girlfriend actually has it.

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      • Tela

        JAY, THANK YOU FOR SHARING YOUR STORY. I DO HAVE TO SAY, YOU ARE AN EXCEPTION WITH YOUR STATEMENT “IT BECOMES UNBELIEVABLY EASY TO LET GO”. VERY FEW ARE ABLE TO ‘MOVE ON AND RECOVER SO QUICKLY & EASILY AFTER ENDURING SUCH ABUSE. YOU CANNOT ‘MAKE HER REALIZE SHE IS A SOCIOPATH. PERIOD. And Jay, a Sociopath does not have “A Sociopath Episode”, that ‘episode’ is who and what they are their entire lives.

        Liked by 1 person

      • damiancamp

        I worry sometimes that I may be a sociopath, but then I think I have a real difficulty letting go and I feel I have a strong empathy for all creatures, I’m always very nice to animals and can just play with them and cuddle for hours. I do have a problem maintaining any sort pf relationship with anyone though. I always think it isn’t my fault. They are screwed up. Then I wonder.

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  18. Shaun

    Admiring the commitment you put into your blog and in depth information you offer.
    It’s good to come across a blog every once in a while that isn’t the same unwanted rehashed information. Wonderful read!
    I’ve bookmarked your site and I’m including your RSS
    feeds to my Google account.

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    Reply
    • kripa79

      Thanks Hurting. Is that the response to the letter I shared with u? Cant believe he has written so much of bs in that.. he is jus writing the stuff that I wanted so badly frm him 😦

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      • Tela

        Kripa, I did not approve the letter as it was to long & not conducive to helping other’s. Meaning, comments/stories shared are so that other’s can relate and gain knowledge/strength etc from. I did not approve the letter from your husband, as a Professional, I could read between the lines and it’s just typical Sociopath bullshit words. We have ALL read them and heard them before! And that letter could possibly cause triggers for some of my readers.

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  19. Hurting

    Please, please don’t believe this. These people do not tell the truth! My ex said the same.. telling me who I couldn’t be friends with..asking me for my fb password. He wants the control back, don’t let him or anyone take that from you. I was only in a 1 1/2 year relationship and again I’m almost 40 but have been healthy relationships and this one was anything but! My ex was calling/texting for sex but I refused him and quit answering his phone calls and texts. It’s been a week and am feeling in control of myself and it’s so empowering! There is someone out there that will love you and treat you right, and that’s what you deserve. Husband or not, it’s time for you. This is your life too, and you deserve happiness please don’t allow to take that from you!!

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    • Tela

      Thank you Hurting for your comment. It is empowering when we can finally get control over our own thoughts & emotions. Keep up the no contact! I know you have been to hell and back!

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  20. Hurting

    Thank you! My ex as well told me how terrible his exes were, he also lost his daughter in a car accident which he had no contact with. He didn’t even go to her funeral. What kind of person is that? I should of known. I am beginning to understand that sociopaths are unable to have healthy relationships with anyone. I’m thankful this site is here to help us all with recovering from abusive relationships. Its nice to know I’m not alone.

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    • Tela

      Hurting, yes, they are completely unable to form any sort of emotional attachment to another. They ‘play a part’…….they do & say all the ‘right things’ in the beginning to suck you into their absolutely delusional fucked up world. They have an agenda from moment one, and that is to take every part of your being from you silently. And NO, the cannot have a healthy relationship with anyone, that is why most ALL Sociopaths have zero close long term friends, zero relationship with family. They are loners skirting the outskirts of society looking for their next victim to sustain their sick selves. We cannot ‘love them enough’ to change them. Like I said in the Red Flag post….you cannot take their Red Flags & make them ‘normal’.

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  21. kripa79

    Yes Tela I was thinking the same thing. .if someone came n told me kripa u hav a personality disorder then wud I really accept that?? Probably not..i havr another question. R these guys sex addicts? He admitted he had a sickness for the exwife who he finally cheated on me with. Even if I discount his lies when he used to hate her..call her bitch etc. Hav seen their earlier mails wher he always treated her coldly n she always begged him for a chance..l also got to knw he used to punish her if she ever fought with him by making her lick his feet. .yuck I knw..both r really sick! Anyways after he so obviously hates her disrespects her etc why wud he wanna sleep with her while dating me?? Was thinking if its an addiction. Coincidently I feel whenever he felt unloved or rejected in our relationship coz I wud b upset at his behaviour he has gone there to her. Once i remem he forced himself in me coz of bein drunk..i refused..fought him off n the next day he apologised like mad..sayin its the alcohol..n the next day he apparently went to her place n raped her N was tellin her wat a miserable time we had..Also funny part is he says jus coz he slept with his exwife it is not considered for cheating. .for that he shud hav screwed a third person. .wattt?? Really think these guys r in crazy land n believe every one their own lies n sick theories

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  22. sunita

    Omg. All these sound like my story. I have just knwn my husband for a year and a half and married for 8 mths. honestly issues of his anger and temper related to alcohol had already happened before marriage but because he always promised to change and had literally swept me off my feet during our courting phase I kept forgiving n hoping for a change. He has signed promise letters, declarations the works! I used to think he was jus not good with alcohol. So went crazy trying to make alcohol limits for him.. on his request of course. Which he wud never adhere to. He is 7 yrs older than me, financially not too great, a divorcee and a father and has a problematic mother.needless to say he was never my type until he squeezed his way into my life by sayin and doin the right thing. So for the last 8 months its been a total rollercoaster. So many love notes and promises. So many fights mostly related to alcohol. So many verbal abuses n emotional torture. Not to forget hos horrible n mean mom who shouts at anyone n everyone jus for any small reason and who has a definite tantrum once every 3-4 days.so many apologies. I felt sometimes he was deliberately tryin to age me by stressin me. Btw when we met I was a model..quite skinny and now m 10 kgs heavier. He had even joked that one day he wud make me chubby so no guy wud look at me! Well thats wat he did.. anyways I come frm a culture where divorce is a no no unless its really a pathetic situation. So I managed nvowed to make things better. By praising him, supporting him at work, less nagging while he drank etc. Still didn’t seem to work for a long span. Recently I saw something that shattered me. Now in retrospect I feel it was God tryin to save me frm this man. His exwife had a nasty habit of reaching out to him for some work or another since our courtin days. N I cudnt understand why he entertained her since he said he hated her..was a bitch..cheated on him etc. He also was not giving any child support or alimony and had decided not to see his son as the exwife is crazy. So I went thru his emails tryin to discover their complicated history and instead wat I found shocked me to the core. I found a threatening mail frm her to him citing all the times that she had done favors for him. .meaning they had been having an affair continuously while he was dating me and discussing marriage with my family . Also he had very convenienttly told her lots of lies about me and had said he was not happy etc! While of coursr he had been whispering sweet nothings to me. He denied it all n one by one his lies started comin apart. He is so disgusting he even went to her place a week before our wedding to complain about me and mayb to have sex. She is the one who declined as she was tired of being used in the name of love. Yes the same lady that he called psycho n bitch. .he was claimin to love her too and kept hinting they might work out one day..I moved out to my mom and one by one got confessions out of him. I started researching on his personality n he totally fits the bill Of a sociopath. Of course now he is constantly begging me to forgive and wants me to come bac. Its so obvious he is not sorry for wat he has done but for getting caught n leavin that mail around. Of course the hopeful part of me wants to believe he is not a sociopath and will actually change. Although my mind is clearly saying no dont give him a chance. Once I go bac will trap me in pregnancy etc.. which he has tried before btw. Really wanna be sure im making the right decision. i have actually told him no since last few dats n he is trying all tactics to bring mr back..screaming, crying, reasoning, cajoling, abusing, blaming my nature, threatening, n lastly silent treatment. Its like he is punishing me for leaving him.I am not discussin my confusion with him n keep sayin I cant forgive or forget. Of course to u all I must admit I m v v heartbroken n keep praying for a miracle to resolve all this. N every time I think of a good time with him I get tears in my eyes.

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    • Tela

      Sunita, what you describe here sounds like a Classic Narcissistic Sociopath!! Please, please understand, that you CANNOT change him. All the things you listed above of what you did to try and keep the peace, keep the marriage together, take the abuse ect. was all for nothing. The outcome would still be the same, no matter how many times you ‘forgive him’, no matter if he signed a promise note in blood! He is who he is and cannot change!!! You have made the right decision by removing yourself from the abusive home. He obviously has an addiction to alcohol as well. Until he recognizes that, and seeks help, YOUR WORDS have no effect. And unlike his personality, that CANNOT be changed. What he did to you, he probably has done to the ex-wife {I did laugh when you said he called the ex-wife crazy’}….so typical. All Sociopaths ex’s are “CRAZY”…. 😀 because they damn sure are not going to admit they are actually the one who is crazy. Yes, finding and reading that email was an intervention from God. He see’s the path you are on, and to literally save your sanity!! Educate yourself on who you are married to. And keep in mind, YOU are not the crazy one! He will try and place all the blame, all the bullshit onto you! Do not take that on. And honestly, if you truly want away from this man, you need to stop the contact. Re-evaluate the marriage and think, is it worth it. If he is truly a Sociopath, I will tell you this: you will live in HELL the rest of your life if you stay married to this man. I realize divorce is frowned upon. However, NO MAN OR WOMAN should stay in an ABUSIVE marriage. PERIOD.

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      • kripa79

        Thank u Tela. Very well said! Really appreciate all your inputs. Make so much sense now that I put 2 n 2. Jus wanna knw one thing. Through all yhis he has given me many wonderful moments. Not jus sex but lots of cuddling holding hands. Other sweet gestures. N the day he drinks jus a bit he doesn’t fight etc. Actually he has gone couple of days without fightin but this time I didnt get a chance to test his theory, since the email eas discovered befor any alcohol related fight. I guess im in the addiction phase.there r moments of total clarity wher I remember how hr cheated while I was madly in love n loyal. N also think of all his negatives. Those times im very sure of my decision. N then there r times I forget all this and jus remember those happy moments and I can’t stop cryin 😦 I knw this is probably normal frm wat research I havr done but I jus keep thinkin wat if he will change ie wat if he is not a socio..pls help 😦

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      • Tela

        Yes, I’m sure he has given you many ‘wonderful moments’….he is human after all. A very mentally sick human, but still human. Sweet gestures? Done from pure guilt! Meaning, he did & does know he treats you horribly. He did & does know he is a pathological liar! Therefore the ‘sweet gestures’ are simply to buy your silence. You can’t stop crying because the reality of who he is, is hitting you all at once! Full on! Welcome to Sociopath HELL emotional roller coaster. Read through my website at the different articles. It should help you understand what is happening to you & your life right now. And again, NO, he will not and CANNOT change.

        Liked by 3 people

      • kripa79

        Tela thank u so much. in my mind im almost clear 99% he is a socio. But that 1% drags me down a bit 😦 how does one really ever knw??
        Again he messaged saying pls dont do this to us. I will never cheat misbehave etc. Admits he made a mistake cheating.He justifies cheating on me with his exwife saying I wasn’t giving him a marriage date , was always non commital etc. I knw I didn’t give hima date but always said wil marry. Introduced him to all my friends n travelled all over with him. All we spoke was us n love n loyalty 😦 so m sure the cheating is not justified still. Im still sticking to my decision to leave him. Why does it jus hurt so much?? Worst part is I not only hav to deal with my love n pain but also he is refusing to let go..n I have 4 months befor I can file for divorce. N hes my neighbour 😦 .. so I can predict some cat n mouse game comin up..I think this also has to do with him not wanting a second divorce as well as not wanting to lose control over me.i will definitely be reading more of ur website. Thank u..xx

        Liked by 1 person

      • Hurting

        I totally agree. Your doing the right thing. Keep the no contact rule. I was in a relationship for 2 years with a sociopath. I’m 40 and had never experienced someone who acted like this. He was so jealous all the time calling me and wondering what I was doing every minute. He told me he was just insecure and didn’t want to lose me. Meanwhile I had found out he was talking to multiple women behind my back and most likely sleeping with them. He would deny everything and tell me I was crazy. We broke up multiple times and would get back together. The last time was it, he had met his soul mate, the one he wanted to spend his life with (AGAIN!!) instead of breaking up like normal people he had to make sure he found another victim first. They started talking in January and she lived in another state but he made sure to tell me that he never loved me, he was only with me for sex and this was someone he knew since he was little and they were going to get married. Turns out he went to see her had sex with her and decided to move on to someone else. The next person he met in March and they were engaged by April. He continued to keep in contact with me let me know how happy he was. He wanted to make me feel more pain, he left me and he was getting off on hurting me more. Toward the middle of the month he was calling me telling,me how they fought all the time and how terrible she was in bed and asking me to hook up. I took a step,back and realized this is the true him. I saw him,for who he truly was…going from person to person creating caos and havoc Here we are end of April, his newest finance on the outs and him calling me asking for sex again. I told him no so he proceeds to tell me all the dates he’s going on and how he’s going to f this girl or that girl. I couldn’t figure out why someone would intentaly go out of,their way to hurt someone? Then I realized,sociopaths do not have empathy they can’t not love. A person who loved me wouldn’t be so cruel. Its only been a couple days since I talked to him but need to follow the no contact rule. Everytime I see his number come up, I know there is only anxiety and pain to come. He’s not worth me feeling like that!!!

        Liked by 2 people

      • Tela

        Thank you Hurting for sharing your story. First off…..reading he was ‘so jealous all the time & calling etc’ SCREAMS Sociopath. What he was/is doing is PROJECTING back onto you, what in fact he has & is doing…leading a dual/triple lifestyle. This is so very common with a Sociopath. Yes, most all have another ‘supply source’ waiting in the wings while discarding you. And no, he did not and does not love you. Period!! No matter how many times you take him back, no matter how many “I’m sorry’s”, no matter how vile his words and your forgiveness he will never,ever LOVE OR RESPECT YOU. I know that is terribly hard to comprehend as you do/did love him, and cannot figure out how this man can continue to treat you {and other women} like yesterday’s garbage. Please keep in mind, he is in a constant state of forward motion looking for the next ‘feel good’, the next person to keep feeding his ego, his ‘worthiness’. As long as you allow him to contact you, you are starting the addiction {on both sides} over again. He does not love himself, what makes you think he can love you? Or anyone?

        Liked by 2 people

      • kripa79

        Hurting this really sounds like my husband 😦 n he said exactly all this about me to his ex..we r fighting constantly. .bad in bed etc..while all the while chasing me n bein the super jealous one! Always doubted me nwitj my exs. Anyways Tela do these people change aftet the institution of Marriage. .my husband actually had admitted he treated women v bad in the past n has treated his ex wife also v bad. Mostly coz she cheated…lies m sure.. but now with me wanted to change! Well he so did not! N also doea anyone knw if these people r religiously honest. .altho I guess I know the answer. Mine swore on different gods all the time n now his false swears r discovered 😦

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      • Tela

        Kripa, I wrote an article about Sociopaths and Spirituality. You can read that HERE I will answer your question “do these people change after the institution of marriage”? Kripa, the answer is an emphatic NO! Try and equate it to this, you are who you are & believe in what you do, have your beliefs in (_________) fill in the blank, you know right from wrong. You know what love FEELS like. You have respect for other humans. You have your core values. Now…..imagine someone telling you “Kripa, you have a personality disorder! You must change!!! Now, could you do that? Would you even understand someone saying that to you?? Of course not. And that is how a person with NPD/ASPD is, they truly believe there is nothing wrong with them. They truly believe there is no consequences for the words & actions, and the damn sure do not change after marriage or multiple partners!

        Liked by 1 person

  23. Dayna

    Im new to this. Im beginning the process of divorce after a short 4 month marriage to a sociopath. This was the third marriage for both of us and I thought he was finally my “forever”. I was in such denial. Looking back now, there were plenty of red flags I should have seen when we were dating. But I ignored them in exchange for all the “love” and attention I was receiving. The biggest lies were revealed on our honeymoon and rapidly snowballed from there. His lack of genuine remorse and deflection were the most shocking. Ive done all the pathetic things, reasoning, bargaining, crying, blaming, attempting to forgive and forget. Little did I know what a crazy train I was on. Banging my head against a brick wall day after day. Im off it now. Im starting the cycle of healing. I had a 20 year marriage previously. But this one is leaving me with deeper wounds. I do thank God Ive been smart enough to get out without wasting more of my precious life. Thank you for this site.

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  24. linda

    I beat myself up for months. Mostly feeling stupid for not being able to immediately realize what kind of man I was involved with…despite many flags. I was stalked… Harassed…stolen from…lied too…the list goes on and on…. But I’m happy now and in love with the man I left before my socio. It took allot of time, therapy, pain and no contact but I can honestly say I wouldnt change a thing. I am stronger and more grateful as a result of my experiences. I take responsibility for my mistakes and I forgive him for all of it. He is damaged …broken..and will never be capable of true peace and happiness. He’s a broken egg. For those of you in the beginning stages…be strong. You’ve got this. Find support. And please know that one day you will wake up and feel nothing for that person. Nothing but pity. And your life will go on because you can love again. You have a soul. You are truly blessed. Remember that everyday.

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    • Tela

      Linda, thank you for the great and encouraging comment. How long did it take you to finally wake up and feel nothing? That is what most of my reader’s are having difficulty with. One thing I will say is you did not “make a mistake”, you were blindly sucked into a sick man’s world.

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      • kripa79

        hi linda.. m very happy for u..can I pls knw how Long it took for u to get over him as m in the Very Early stages of realising he may be a socio.. m takin baby steps but its like one step forwards n 2 steps behind 😦 ..
        also the topic of socio is not very common here in India so even tho hav done so much research it is hard to imagine he is one sometimes!
        .

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  25. Irene Adler

    Attitude makes all the difference. I’ve learned that my attitude is the key to my survival.
    After experiencing pain-it doesn’t matter what kind-keep telling yourself that you will get through this, “this too shall pass”.
    “and whether or not it’s clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should…”
    Everything we encounter in our lifetime, no matter how horrible and devastating it is, with time, effort and a positive attitude eventually it will make you stronger, and you will survive.
    And you will learn something about yourself, others, and humanity.
    Do your best to be strong, be courageous, and never give up on yourself.

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      • Tela

        And look how far you, yourself have come AlohaLover! I’m so proud of you. I KNOW the hell you have gone through. I know when you were at the end of the rope. And now, you are so much more educated. You have changed your lifestyle and doing things for YOU which is building self-esteem and self confidence. I hope my other reader’s will understand from you, that they too, in time, will be further than where they are right this moment. ❤

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      • AlohaLover

        @Tela….what I have to ALWAYS remember, he will come at me from any angle, use social media and his MO then becomes to use his latest whore to answer an e-mail asking him to remove a board and then calmly sits back and watches the whole thing unfold. Karma will be a bitch for them both. The train is coming down the track…..he has an agenda before it hits.
        BUT…..I get to see MY friends again, go to charity functions that mean something to me, play with my dogs. I’ll get back out in the dating world but it will take a special man.
        I NEVER thought I would be where I am today based on April 22nd , 2014.
        Thank YOU! XOX

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      • Tela

        AlohaLover, yes, he will come at you from any direction. And he also uses his flying monkey’s to get at you. The cyber-attacking that he & his flying monkey’s have done is a perfect example of the terminal adolescence a Sociopath has. ‘He’, a Sociopath will always be the winner in their sick minds. You have come a very long way! Mentally, emotionally and physically. Like you said, you get to see your friends. You are doing charity functions for a purpose, unlike the Sociopath where when they do those things it’s usually for Social Status, as they cannot truly engage in the compassion of what charity functions are for. Your comments and encouraging words have been such a blessing to me and have helped so many of my readers! ❤

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    • Tela

      Thank you Irene for the great encouraging comment!!! You are so right, be strong, be courageous. But you also know, what it is like when you first come out of the relationship with the Sociopath & you don’t even know if your own head is screwed on straight. You have come a long way! And I am so so so proud of you!!!!!! ❤ ❤

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  26. karenthom2014

    Hi, I agree with you there, I have had enough dramas to last me a life time. I enjoy this site so much I visit daily and I trust it to air my latest hurdle from the sociopath, I am one step ahead and that’s why I rate this site so much. Arguments and disagreements is the opposite to what this site is all about, anyway it’s been quiet on the western front, I have got so much changes completed and in progress. I feel good and lucky today, to have a peaceful life, with new beginnings in the horizons. Just what I have always dreamt about in the past, I’m doing it now. This feels like freedom.

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  27. Robyn

    I cannot believe that some people come on here to fire nastiness at fellow victims of Sociopaths.
    We all have our stories and rights to our stories, and our stories are all scaringly identical almost.
    This is a place for healing and support, not for arguments and disagreements in general, we all had enough of that crap when involved with our Ex’s. Don’t come here and antagonise us into it all over again, go visit some site where you can argue to your hearts content.
    But when your arguments are over, I dare you to sit alone with yourself and see how you REALLY FEEL

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    • Tela

      Thank you Robyn for your comment. Yes, it’s truly sad that there are people who ‘troll’ the internet looking to attack other’s. You said it perfect on how I feel about these kinds of people who visit my website. ❤

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  28. Irene Adler

    I know what you are saying is 100% true, and I keep my distance from him. I don’t respond to any attempts at communication-although it is unbearably hard, especially when I am lonely. But I’ll survive.
    Ironcially, and sadly, I have a 19 year old child who is a clinically diagnosed sociopath as well. What are the f— chances? I know, “4% of the population”, but I’m just burned out as far as giving love to anyone anymore.
    Intimate relationships with sociopaths are absolutley devastating. Raising a child who eventually becomes diagnosed as a sociopath literally rips your heart out of your chest. I sit here in tears, thinking about the pain I’ve been through at my son’s hands, but it’s mixed with so much maternal love and hope that he will be able to somehow change… I want desparately to believe that I can keep him from taking the wrong path. Teach him how to use his personality traits in a positive way.
    I tried everything while he was growing up, and sought out help and support from every resource available (family, school(IEP), legal(CHINS), counseling, medication, therapeutic day and boarding school, tough love, being his friend) Nothing has made a difference. Anyone else going through this?

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    • Tela

      Irene~ as you know, you have done everything you can & could for him. I truly cannot relate to your devastation as far as having a Sociopath child. At 19 his personality is already in place as you know. What you can do is continue to provide unconditional love WITH boundaries. Meaning, he knows you love him, but he also needs to learn what boundaries are. Because as we know, a Sociopath knows no boundaries & therefore sails through life without any accountability. Rules are not in place for them. Boundaries are invisible to them, why? Because it’s all about them. So please try, as hard as it is, you have done every single thing a parent can do, and also at the expense of your own happiness. That is unconditional love! However, at a certain point now, you need to start focusing on you & your well being. You have been stripped of love, compassion, sympathy, health. It’s time to set your boundaries in place & start to live life for you.! ❤

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    • S.aune

      Iam coming off of this after 11 years of my life. I believed it to be about alcohol and bi sexuality on his part, but I see know that it is this…sociopathic living. My man is the poster boy for this illness.i don’t know if it is about selling your soul to the devil,but if not the devil is on his back 24–7. I can’t begin to explain the things this man put me thru and I thank God everyday that I made it out alive. He was truly a self serving child in a mans body and had No regard for life period. He demanded respect but never gave it and loved to drink and threaten your life while he was watching porn and pleasuring himself. He was a racist, bigot,discriminating to women,alcoholic,abuser verbally,emotionally,and most of all verbally,pretentious and arrogant,loved to hear his own voice over and over. He has been in and out of jail and is cheap. He hoards everything. He enjoys getting drunk and letting men take advantage of him and yells about it when he’s treated like a stupid whore by the same men. He claims to care about so many things his passion is boundless,but most if not all of it is a lie! He changes his resume to whom ever will listen claims to be a better chef than Wolf Gang Puk, sorry using him as an example,,any chef,but because he Is so talented No one can ever afford him and his friends should care enough to support but unfortunately I was the one that did. What a life lesson I have learned here. The only good that came from this is I gain a better grasp on my spirituality. I found God! I had to let go and let God because I was tried of being told I was a c word or a bitch and no man would ever touch me let alone give a f–k. I couldn’t take any of it anymore.i loved this man so much my heart is in pieces but I know I am worth it and can’t allow this to guide the rest of my life. Prayer,hope AA, nothing works! They are a soulless breed and it is so sad but karma is a beautiful thing and surely it comes back to them over and over,so pathetically sad. But keep keeping on…..I pry everyday that God bring this horrid illness to an end and feel for everyone that has had this in their life. Jodi Arius? Take care of you first and don’t give them any more power. Shut it down!

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    • Peach

      Irene, thank you for your post. Just knowing that someone else is in this boat, comforts me, even if the reality of what is happening with my son is horror to me. Here’s my story and hope this helps.

      It’s been since 2004 since I was divorced from my sociopath husband. He’s a brilliant, successful, charming man who is 6’5″ and 350lbs. Literally the 300lb gorilla. It’s amazing to me how many of the posts on this site reflect the exact same experiences and aftermath that I have lived. I am still clearing out the mental mud and debris, even though at each turn, starting years ago, that I thought I was free and clear, 100% healed.
      I am mother of 2 boys. My 18 year old, I fear, has inherited his father’s illness. I kicked him out of the house his senior year and sent him to live with his father in another state.
      Actually, to say I kicked him out of the house does not reflect the truth. I got to the point that I had nothing more I could do. In hindsight, I think my ex knew this and sued me for custody of him alone for this reason. I think he thought he could keep him in line because he’s better at it than my son. This is how insidious this disease of the mind is….. my ex, knew my level of self-delusionment, that I would fight to keep my family, my boys together, no matter WHAT. He knew that this would ruin me financially, which it did.

      He was SO confident that he could win, despite being jailed for beating up said son. I thought this major point was my ace in the hole. How wrong I was. He convinced not only his lawyer, but MY lawyer that he was just a dad trying to do the best for his family. Suing for custody of one child, having a record of domestic abuse towards that son, and BOTH lawyers thought he was a great guy. He also despised my willingness to try at any cost, and I use that word despised intentionally, because that is exactly how sociopaths view those they perceive to be weak enough to fall prey to their guiles. I won the legal battle, kind of, because it is still out there, and there is a notarized paper we signed with an agreement. He can’t say he lost, and it is still hanging over my head.

      I was left with damage in our family, and a budding sociopath in my oldest son. He was out of control, being encouraged by his father, who was completely undone about losing the custody option. My ex actually pushed for more of the behavior in my son only to get at me, teach me a lesson, and get what he wanted. He did this to his son, just to get to me. It wasn’t about having his son with him, ‘helping his son’, it was about winning, so he used his son to try to win. I was dumbfounded when he sat in mediation and cried. Yes, he cried about wanting the best for his family and it was so hard because he was not living in our state. I was dumb with shock and everyone else just bought it. AS many other posters on this site know, trying to tell others doesn’t work. I’ve tried and always end up looking like the bitter or delusional one. I gave that up a long time ago. When he cried in mediation, he got me again, because I had absolutely NOTHING to say, so completely shocked at the situation I was.

      All this above was a two year ordeal. I lost my job. I got engaged. I think I did the latter, not because I loved him, but because I needed protection and support. Some sense of normal. He stepped in and this did temper my ex a bit, because my fiance was strong, physically and egotistically. It helped.

      Three months later, I gave up. I woke up. I realized what was happening with my son, and how this was affecting myself and my younger son. I let go and I sent him to his father. How could I? I had nothing left, no options. I guess I felt that learning to be on the other side of the incessant lying and manipulation, might wake him up. They are both the best liars I have ever met. The jury is out. The two of them spend their time manipulating each other. My ex has his hands full as this is the first time EVER, he has had to actually work as a parent. When things are bad with my son, he calls me and when he doesn’t like what I say, he rages at me. I hang up or don’t respond to texts. My son is a senior. Going to college next year. Playing on a football scholarship. I don’t know if I did the right thing for him. I DO know I did the right thing for my younger son and myself. Our recovery has been swift since he’s been gone. I focus on this and I hear , in my head, our last family therapist ask me right before my son left, “how many kidneys are you going to donate to this child and watch him throw them in the trash?”
      I feel agony, relief, fear, love and finally, some peace….. all alternatively. As twisted as this sounds, I feel lucky that my ex was able to take my son. I know many people with this illness would not. I’ve learned not to engage or try to reason with them. I’m trying to love my son from afar, and take care of my younger one. I am rebuilding my life. I broke off my engagement. I don’t want to date, I don’t trust myself. I’m still holding my breath a little. It’s better, but not fixed and I’m OK with this right now.
      I truly hope this helps someone. Thank you to all those who have shared on this site. You’ve helped me.

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  29. notme2014

    Now that I know what he is, and time has lessened the pain a bit, I still feel like I could be his friend, I could play his game and keep my heart guarded. I maybe could help him understand himself, and see things from another’s perspective. I do know logically its insane…but just can’t seem to let go yet.

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    • Tela

      NotMe~ please read AlohaLover’s comment under the Brick Wall post. She did exactly what you are saying you want to do. Please, read her comment. She did this exact thing & see how it ended for her.

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    • AlohaLover

      Hi Not Me,
      Please read my post. Like all of us here, we have been shattered in different ways by these men / women.
      IMO….do not…..do not….try to be his friend. When I started ‘THE GAME’, I wanted to somehow inflict pain or get revenge on him. And he may have felt the blade of my knife once or twice but in all reality, it didn’t phase him one bit because these people do not feel, they have no emotions, they are soulless and dead to any type of feeling.
      I, for a split second weakened but in that split second I knew all of the trash he has been and continues to be with and I said NO WAY. It was in that moment when it finally sunk in, he will never ever change. This is who he is, always has been and always will be…no pill, no amount of therapy, no glitter or magic wand can change him…..he sold his soul to the Devil and mine admitted he does not want to come back. In the words of Chaucer, ” let sleeping dogs lie”
      His house of cards will crash.
      If yours cheated and lied….when the urge hits you to call him, remember all the hookers and whores he has been with and multiply that by a thousand….that’s how many women you’ll be with and should you get a disease….then what?
      I’ve been battling almost a year….keep moving forward…..you can do it. xox

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  30. Irene Adler

    Fiona,
    I LOVED your response to the commenter who stated that “victims of sociopaths are weak”. About a month ago I also responded to him, however I was so enraged I could barely contain myself!
    I applaud you for writing with such tact and intelligence.

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  31. Irene Adler

    Classic line! From my experience(s), I find they use “scripts” depending on their target’s needs/situation.
    I also find that although I DESPISE him and would like to say with absolute certainty that I will never allow him in my life again, I still think about him, and fantasize the what ifs: What if he weren’t a sociopath? What if I’m the one who can change him because I really understand him? Logically, I know the answers to these questions, and I know the outcome would be absolutley horrible.
    But I can’t seem to let him go, mentally. Regardless of keeping my brain busy and being as active as possible with family, personal interests (I find working out is excellent therapy!)
    I just can’t seem to let him go, mentally. When, when, when will he go away???

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    • Tela

      Hello Irene~ when will ‘he go away’…when YOU finally accept that nothing you could have ever, said or done would have changed him. It’s like all ex’s of a Sociopath, you were given the toxic POISON that you silently swallowed. This created that ‘perfect life, the happy memories’. But in reality it was just Poison, to keep you blinded to what he truly is. Your continual thoughts about him are allowing you the inability to mentally let him go. By thinking about him, what does that do for you? Is it helping you heal? Or are the thoughts keeping you chained to his black soul? Only YOU have the ability to start each day to stop thinking of him. Yes, you miss him, the fun times, the good times etc. So put those memories in a ‘box’ where they belong & start today with making memories of just you!! Read my new post Brick Wall maybe this will help you to understand that you & only you have 2 paths to choose from. ❤

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  32. notme2014

    I just had a thought about the withdrawal they do to us as punishment….they truly believe that they are so superior, that we should feel so blessed to be in their presence, that they feel this is true punishment. I always wondered why he would choose withdrawal as a way to hurt me….doesn’t it hurt him to be without me as well???? Fuck no…!!!! They don’t care about us! Hear it, feel it,,believe it! Love & Light!

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  33. Sophie

    I still feel shattered and it still hurts like hell, but I do find some comfort in reading this site. Thank you for your words.

    Liked by 1 person

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    • Tela

      You will feel ‘shattered’ for a long, long time. The pain is deep but over time it will start to lessen. Just keep believing in yourself! Know that no matter what, you cannot go back and change him. You cannot go back & un-do the damage. You can however, take this day and all the next and start living for YOU.

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  34. Irene Adler

    My story is not the same as yours, but my pain is. Our heartache is based in our ability to empathize with and love others.
    I have survived 2 intimate relationships with sociopaths in my fifty years. You would think I would have learned my lesson after marrying the first, but I didn’t.
    However, I did find it very easy to identify the 2nd on because the game he played was identical to my 1st husband’s game. I considered myself a “pro” when it came to sociopaths. I allowed myself to get involved with #2 because I believed I had the upper hand and knew what I was dealing with. I could play the game just as well, protect my heart, and not fall in love. But it just doesn’t work this way.

    Sociopaths are master manipulators, they have no conscience, they feel no shame, no remorse. They delight in playing games. They observe you from a distance, learn about you, find out your insecurities, and then slowly move in for the kill. If you are a risk taker, a nonconformist who enjoys adventure and excitement they will captivate you, you won’t even realize it has happened until it’s too late and you have become emotionally attached to them.

    My 2nd sociopath was proud of being a sociopath and often talked about “supply”. Bizarre, but intriguing to me. So intriguing that I allowed myself to be swept up in the risky illusion that I was different, I was special and unique to him. He became my drug. I knew the danger, but once he was under my skin I couldn’t help but want more.
    I ruined much of my life because of him. I want to blame him for everything that’s happened, but I can’t. I saw the red flags, I knew the game, I decided to play anyway, and I take responsibility for all the destruction it has caused me and the ones I love..
    I am alone now, but I’m happy because I know how strong I am. I know that I can deal with pretty much anything that’s thrown my way.

    Sociopaths have not defeated me. In understanding them, I now have a greater understanding of human nature. I realize now that life is not a fairy tale and that I am responsible for my own happiness-no one is out there waiting to hand it to me on a silver platter. I have made mistakes, and I have many regrets, but I am far more confident and stronger than I have ever been in my entire life.
    Sociopaths are now closed chapters…they have to be. If they remained open I wouldn’t be able to move forward with the rest of my book.

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    • fiona

      Beautiful post Irene. Thank you xx. I did 7 years with a sociopath and your post has really hit home. Thank you Tela for this incredibly healing site. Thank you so so much. Love F xx

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  35. Irene Adler

    Thank you for getting back to me, I will be more sensitive the next time I post.
    It just upset me tremendously to hear comments like the one he posted.

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  36. shelly

    MIND FUCK>>>>>>WHAT THE FUCK>>>>OH DID I LOVE HIM>…i called him my human lottery, to my girlfriends……53, smart,attractive, having a ball and he comes into my life………beond the mind fuck….HE WON”T STOP…

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  37. karenthom2014

    Ok I’m grateful for living right now. But I’m all of the above 8 points, it made me cry, then spill my guts on here. Thank you for that post.

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  38. karenthom2014

    Hi all, it’s been 15 months now, and I’m in a lot of pain, mainly emotional and financially caused by the sociopath. Yes, I’m feeling sorry for myself again, yes I’m looking for a way out with other men, just as a distraction. Where you say to love yourself is easier said than done. I don’t know know how to. I’m in tears when I’m on my own, the only thing that let’s me forget is my one and only son. I’m still devastated I was taken for a ride for 10 years and the rest prior to the relationship. I’m 49 going on to 50, and petrified about getting old on my own. The feelings of being alone for me is hard, I know understand why people end their lives, because they cannot fix it alone, even with extensive therapy, which I have had. I feel the same, hurt, low, isolated with no funds to make myself happy. I have been over spending to compensate all the pain. Now I’m financially ruin, in which I was before due to taking out loans at high rates, also credit cards which he built up. I am still paying off. No understands only this site. Which I have been on for over a year. When I ask everyday, when will this hell end, why can’t my thoughts be mines again. I ask and cry ask and cry over and over. Maybe I’m going crazy finally, his job is done!! But I will rather die than to be in his company, because I felt worse than I’m feeling now. I feel worse, vulnerable when i can’t spend to forget! I really don’t think it’s going to get better, it looks like I have to find another way of coping with the pain that I’m in now, I have had two short term flings I call them, to avail. I feel all the bad negative thoughts that the sociopath had taught me, never before have I experienced someone with no heart, I cannot believe I allowed him to abuse me for so long causing so much damage to me, I’m in a mess, feeling lonely, confused and no money. I’m trying to be mindful but is too much effort to believe it. I wanted love when I started out with him. He knew that I lost my husband in 2002 from cancer, and love bombed me from there. Yes I should of known better. But it’s done now and yes I’m still in a mess. Those two relationships did not help they made me feel worse cause I was always shutting down my feelings and just wanted physical love, as all my emotions don’t seem to have come back to me.

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    • A male victim in Santaland

      Hi, I am not going to say the proverbial “I know how you feel”…but I can feel how you feel”. Tela makes valid points, she is strong, but she too is human and am sure when she writes posts she endures the hurt she too encountered.

      I understand you fully, letting your heart finally be given to someone who abused it in the aftermath of your loss. And now all you have is your son and financial issues. Yes, that is tough, tough being a solid parent and being a responsible parent at the same time. Age my dear has nothing to do with it.

      As Tela said, and I say…love yourself for others to love you. You (and I…see Socioinka story which is mild and edited for shortness). Remember one thing, the sociopath in your life knew you shined, they were attracted to the shine…sorry to say we were dealing with infants disguised as adults…shiny objects. Anyway, he took your shine, mirrored it and then abused it…so the shine (you) is still there, all he did was tarnish it…why…because he has no shine, he has nothing but bullshit, thus he steals (abuses and runs) our shine so he can shine….anyway…please sort yourself out, you son needs you and you need you to do that.

      Yes I still have my moments, Tela intervenes, reality sets in. Do you ski? Life is like slalom….full of hurdles, some we just fly over, others we dig in turn before the mogul and turn again….

      You will be fine…your son needs YOU!

      Regards… a male victim

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  39. Josh

    Hi all, I’ve been reading through the comments here. I promise I’m not a troll and I intend no offence, but it seems to me that sociopaths are strong and those they live with or associate with are weak. I’m in no way condoning their behavior, but many studies show that while psychopathy has a tendency to be caused by environment, sociopathy is very possibly present since birth. This leads me to believe that sociopaths are perhaps a new stage of human evolution. They can have a tendency to be quite intelligent, are usually charismatic, and are accomplished liars. All of these traits alone, would make them powerful adversaries. But if you combine the preceding traits with the fact that they are not crippled by compassion, empathy, or any emotion at all, you have a human being that would be a force to be reckoned with. From an evolutionary standpoint, they would be prize specimens, able to adapt to any situation using deception and manipulation, and having no qualms about what they do to anyone who gets in their way. What are your thoughts on this? Again, I mean no disrespect or discomfort to any visitors to this page.

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    • Tela

      I’m not sure what your statement ‘from an evolutionary standpoint, they would be a prize specimen” means. And I will disagree with your statement about the people involved with Sociopaths are “weak”. They are in no way “weak”…these people have real emotions, real feelings of empathy/sympathy, a moral compass in place, and know right from wrong…etc. So to label a victim of a Sociopath as ‘weak’ is in my opinion, very hurtful. Otherwise, thank you for your comment.

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      • Just Me

        Oh nooooooo….I am not weak. I may be now because something that was so unexpected… but I’m getting stronger with every topic I read.
        I am not weak….I am smart, I am savvy, I am intuitive and I knew something was not right. I found the truth because I was strong and I had the balls to confront him with proof ( he tried to make me think I was crazy ) and when I did he mentally beat me down and stormed out of the house and out of my life. Sociopaths, I am finding, DO NOT enjoy being confronted.
        I am not weak.

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      • Tela

        No! You are not weak! You have been knocked down, but your not weak as you are getting up and healing!!!

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    • Andy

      I’m not a sociopath but found myself at war with one. Human evolution is based on working together, this is how we survived. She lost the war to destroy all my friendships and my life, though a lot had to be sacrificed. Non-sociopaths can be strong and intelligent too, though it did take a lot out of me. The reason I won – time & communal respect. Eventually someone else will notice their tide of destruction. I would say we have evolved from them rather than the other way around, they may have been better at individual survival in the deep dark past but not at progressing the human race.

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      • Tela

        Thank you Andy for your comment. And you explained it so well with these words “at war with one” And that is exactly what happens, emotional/mental/verbal & sometimes physical war. And the Sociopath never learns from past mistakes, abuse done etc. If you pay attention to their dialogue, they are/have always been the victim of someone or something.

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    • shelly

      I’m living this as i am writing this…he cut the wires at my shop and sliced my tires last night..when i don’t pick up or text back..is when he really gets ugly..i have a ppo..i afraid to use..because if hes doing all of this for nothing whats he gonna do if i put him in jail…i’m in couslers office..he called 10 time with 3 text…….what do i do??he has no reason to stay in this state nad has been in hotle room for over 2 months..just to harrass me??…….

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      Reply
      • Tela

        Shelly, please, you have got to stop ALL CONTACT! block him on your phone. Do not be afraid to get the police involved. This is serious, and it can get even more dangerous for you. Do you have a family or friends house you can stay at temporarily? You need a safe place. Each & every time you acknowledge his messages or calls gives him more and more ‘ammunition’ that feeds his evil fire! Please, read this very carefully, you MUST stop all contact!!! Let him be on dating sites or whatever he is doing. Do not ‘look’ for him online. Block him from any social sites you have. Now is the time to take the control back away from him!! And the first step is NO CONTACT whatsoever!! I’m sorry you are going through this, please be strong and block him. When he does something to your vehicle, your shop etc. call the police and have a report made!!

        Like

    • Irene Adler

      Based on your comment, you have never had an intimate relationship with a real sociopath, or better yet, you are a sociopath.
      If this is the case, trolling is exactly what you are doing.
      Who else goes on a website that is intended for people who are looking for support and understanding following a relationship with a sociopath?
      If you aren’t one of the aforementioned, my guess is that you have ASD(no offense) or you are one of the following:
      1. a teenager with no life experience
      2. an adult with no life
      2. a sociopath wannabe
      3.. a narcissistic sociopath (look it up if you’re not sure)
      4. a narcissist (look it up if you’re not sure)
      5. just plain dumb

      Of course, no offense.
      Have a great day!

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      Reply
      • Tela

        Irene, I had to give it some thought before approving your comment, as I have made it very clear in the A Face To This Blog post that comments are: f you are a ‘self-diagnosed’ or even professionally diagnosed Sociopath I will not tolerate comments in an attacking way, derogatory, or self-serving. This site is not particularly for Sociopaths, but for people who have been victimized and/or abused by them. If you feel you can contribute to this site via comments, please use discretion as this information is to be helpful, not abusive. I, however, do agree with your reply to Josh because I am not sure exactly what he is/was looking for. And is apparent has never been victimized/traumatized etc by a Sociopath. So thank you for your reply to Josh & as you see I did approve it. I believe everyone is entitled to be heard. 🙂

        Like

      • A male victim in Santaland

        Wow, I really mean WOW Irene…no offense naturally…good luck when and hopefully never you hook up with a sociopath…there is nothing, no matter how smart, strong or secure you are that will beat you up more than a sociopath with their tornado of lies, deceit, gaslighing (look it up), viscious twists, projection…and we are smart right? So to avoid confrontation with someone you love, you AVOID to keep the peace…and what do you get in return, more bullshit than you can imagine…so you eventually say good bye, what do you get, no closure…the why’s, what if, could it be….but again it is better to be ignorant and thus you do question anything since you do not know anything else….OR you are a sincere person who got trapped in a spider web of bullshit. Look up the word ‘ignorance’ or ‘limited capacity’ etc. All the best Irene…you must be a lucky bugger (look that up) to have avoided this total mind fuck, heart twisting bullshit of a person.

        Like

    • notme2014

      Josh,
      This sounds as if it were written by a true sociopath. They do feel they are superior human beings, and almost always know what they are…(though–NEVER admit it). I do see your point. But, I also believe the world is based on LOVE and all the wonderful things associated with goodness, kindness, empathy and genuine compassion. The sociopath can exhibit none of these “qualities”. So, superior??….nah…not in a million years!

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    • fiona

      Troll. Take your skewed philosophy elsewhere please. Sociopaths are not prize specimens in any shape or form. They are even weeded out from bomb disposal training early on because they are too fearless and risk everyones safety. Read Martha Stout and Dr Robert Hare. Compassion is not a crippling disease and if you even suspect that it is you need help. You clearly do mean disrespect imho.

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  40. Ken

    So Helpful in my Healing. Betrayed Trust of a longtime employee brought back resulting in embezzlement. Caught red handed and just waiting for the smear campaign to begin. WOW this reading helps heal the damage I was wallowing in.

    Like

    Reply
  41. Belle

    Dear Annette, I too was involved with a narcissist for four long years. I am a divorced 65 year old & I also think I will never find anyone else. However,each day DOES get easier & I am now better able to see that this was NOT caused by ME. You will be a stronger person and a much happier one after you get thru this. This site helps me everyday & it will help you too! I try to do little things that make me happy each day & be grateful for what I have!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  42. HRH

    I have lots of evidence that trumps the wild lies of my ex sociopath. When I get lonely and resentful, I do medal with his affairs. In part to remind him that I was clever too, also to get retribution. Then afterwards I worry about personal safety. Lol

    When I told him he was a sociopath, this angered him. Obviously. Then he stopped all communication.

    Some days I half forgive him: I’m convinced his condition resulted from the death of his mother, and no sociopath chooses to have the condition eh? During these moments, I view him as a scientist might. A curious study. An extraordinary brain that should wind up in a jar on a shelf.

    I come and go, generally wasting most days thinking of him far too much and missing a man I thought was my best friend.

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply
    • Tela

      Thank you for your comment. I’m not sure I agree with the retribution part, however, each person has to deal with their pain in their own way. I understand about missing him as you thought he was your best friend. The Sociopath has an innate ability to make us believe that, sadly that is not even close.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
    • realniceguy

      hey HRH your not the only one i just went through it again and yes its devastating and you gotta pick yourself up quickly and do those things to make you happy,,,yes its terribly lonely but your not being abused verbally,,,my socio is very vindictive and loves to try and punish me with no contact,,she really doesn.t understand that this works so much better for us than for them,,,you gotta remember something else too LOVE IS THE MOST WONDERFUL THING IN THE WORLD,,,THE MORE YOU HAVE THE BETTER OFF YOU;LL BE ITS THE ONE THAT DOESN;T HAVE NATURAL EMPATHETIC LOVE AND CONCERN ARE THE ONES REALLY HURTING because they dont have what it take to sustain a natural loving re;ationship no amount of money fame or fortune can compare KEEP POSTING OTHER PEOPLE NEED YOUR SHARING

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    • Irene Adler

      I had a different experience with my last sociopath. We worked together.
      At one point during our relationship, he sent me an article on being an “Everyday Sociopath”. I already knew he was one, and I’m still not quite sure why he did this…
      The truth is, I knew he was a sociopath from the moment I met him. He fascinated me. I decided to play the game right along with him, and as karma would have it, it started an avalanche that eventually destroyed him.
      The strange thing is that I never had to say a word about his actions, he was an exhibitionist and someone saw him expose himself to me. My theory is that he had been creeping around the office for a couple of years already, and had developed a false sense of confidence in himself as a master seducer, and basically he started getting sloppy.
      Several people were already aware of his deviant behavior, women who openly despised him-although were never able to say why. I believe he had probably seduced a few of them, and then had moved on to someone more desirable, exciting or sexy. A bunch of angry, jealous women in a small office can be very problematic for even a “master of the art of seduction”.
      Once the flood gates opened, everyone he had wronged, used and manipulated came forward with their stories.
      So my sweet, clever sociopath was fired for sexual harassment-and I never had to say a word.
      So who do you think was the true winner of this game?

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      Reply
      • Tela

        Thank you Irene for your comment. I cannot imagine being in that office with all those women who were victimized by him. And kudos to you for being aware at the onset of what type of person he was!

        Like

      • A male victim in Santaland

        Am curious about you Irene…you know who and what a sociopath is…hmmm, so this guy was a bit of a seducer, and a room filled with women, flood gates etc…I think it simply was very simple, lots of women with no self respect competeing for one guy….so who is the winner? And karma and sexual harrasment…c’mon….in the 1980s/90s today we know all too well that some women have abused the system (and trust me, I am a firm believer in zero tolerance for sexual harrasment)…but with consenting adults who use the sexual harrasment card…hmmmm. He spread his seed, maybe not to you, but with colleagues.

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      • fiona

        Mine came home from work one night and told me that a woman there had walked past him and made the comment “ugh those eyes” he told me this with pride. WTH? Shows they are proud of themselves.

        Like

    • shelly

      i’m going to counseling at 53..how can i love the man who as done so many EVIL>MONSTER>>he is on every date sight……ladies BEWARE!!

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      Reply
      • vino4me

        Shelly….You are not alone.
        You can warn people until you are blue but it’s only until the girl catches him and he is unable to worm his way out that they will understand it. I ask myself the same questions and i hurts BUT it does get better. Keep this site bookmarked, print what helps you get through the day. Use Pinterest, you’ll be surprised how NOT alone you are. Stay strong and be careful.

        Like

      • Tela

        Thank you Dana for your kind words of inspiration for Shelly. As you, yourself know the depths these Sociopaths go to, to ruin lives! ❤

        Like

    • Irene Adler

      I understand the need for retribution. I felt it too, and did the same kind of things you are doing
      The thing is, this is stalking(it’s a terrible world, but that’s what it is),. You are giving him just what he wants. He knows he is still in your head, and this is incredibly satisfying to a sociopath. Plus, if you are dealing with a really nasty sociopath who may want vengeance for some reason, you could very well be giving him ammunition-he could very well be documenting/saving correspondence from you etc. This will give him even more power.
      With every ounce of will power, try to avoid this temptation. I honestly understand how painful it is to move forward after a relationship with a sociopath, but you have to try. I found it helpful to develop new interests that have nothing to do with mine. Focus on yourself, and being the best you can be. Once you start feeling stronger, perhaps you can let him know-FROM A DISTANCE-how well you are doing without him.
      Otherwise, he still owns you.
      Do you really want him to know this?

      Like

      Reply
      • Tela

        Irene, I have no idea who this Josh person is. When a comment is posted I receive an email with the person’s email address and also IP address. Josh lives nowhere near where I do, or even in the same state. As far as giving ‘him’ any power??!! Absolutely not, what we {me/you/other’s} are doing is showing people like Josh they no longer have control over us. Our voices are heard, and he or anyone can save any documentation from MY website as it does belong to ME and I have no shame in what I post, nor will I allow someone to question or attack another person’s comment’s. The Josh’s of the world are the sick individuals, not you, not I, not the thousands of visitors I have daily to my site. And I agree, I too was upset initially at his comment, and the biggest reason why I approved it: to show all who visit this site there are many self-serving Sociopaths all around us. I value and appreciate your comments, and please, you do not need to be mindful of what you comment! I know all to well the path you and countless other’s have been down. ~ hugs~ ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  43. realniceguy

    just be thankful that you didnt grow up this way. God judges these kind of people very harshly your ok

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • Tela

      Thank you for your comment. No, I did not grow up this way- and I am not here to pass judgement.

      Like

      Reply
  44. Annette

    Thank you for asking about how I am 🙂 I feel a little better. Approaching holidays make me depressed. I have a friend who told me to write a page titled I RELEASE and list everything I am ready to let go of and burn it. I did that. I feel a bit lighter. I really don’t trust men now. I never thought all of the things that happened would happen. It’s very sad. He was my big hope after my divorce. I was married for 20 years. All of his friends think I am a bitch from hell but they don’t know the real story.

    Like

    Reply
    • Tela

      What a great idea about writing the paper! As far as the friends, I always say there are 3 sides to a story, his/hers/and the truth. His friends, I’m sure were given a convoluted delusional explanation about the relationship {remember, they are master’s at storytelling with lies}, so if they never took the time to speak with you, and get the truth, then who cares what they think! Unless a person has gone through what you, and countless other’s have with a narcissist sociopath, they will never understand the true depths of destruction of the hell you went through.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
      • A male victim in Santaland

        Tela, to further your point re 3 sides to a story. I came home one evening, there was a ‘new’ friend who claimed she had met me before….but at a certain point I forgot…so I sat down with my ex sociopath and her in the kitchen…we chatted and then suddenly her friend said (to my ex sociopath)…c’mon, you know when you tell stories they are embellished and convuluted…..OMG, the look on my ex, her eyes were startled, she was confused, angry, vengeful…I sat there and observed, noted that this person knew her a long time…conclusion…never saw her again…her name was never mentioned again…and gosh I wish I remembered her name, would love to know more today…oh well….

        Like

    • Just Me

      I LOVE THAT IDEA!!! And will be doing it tonight.
      His sister thinks I am crazy too….he came into the relationship friendless so my friends still love me, know the truth and want to do very bad things to him. I am hoping the whores, yes plural he’s seeing……one will seek revenge. I know said she was going too and he threatened her by getting even only 100 times worse.
      If his friends are like him…. who cares. You are wonderful!

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      Reply
  45. Tela

    Fellow Survivor~ you will ‘feel’ broken for a very long time. Your sociopath took every single bit of love, trust, compassion, truth, passion etc. from you. The pain is VERY real, VERY deep. I hope my site has helped you to maybe understand that is IS not and WAS not you. And that is hard to accept when you feel so broken! 😦

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
  46. Annette

    Thank you for this site. I read every article. It has been 8 months since my ex dumped me on our fourth anniversary. Everything ruined and he skipped off to party-ville and is in love with another woman. Some nights I dream about him and wake up upset like today and hurt the whole day. I never imagined the horrors that I have gone through including being held at the top of a staircase by my ponytail in his rage I thought I was about to die. I am in a love/hate scenario missing who he was and the good times. I fear I am just broken now. I am a 50 year old grandmother. Maybe will never have anyone else and maybe that’s best. 😦

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • Tela

      Thank you for your comment Annette. I am so sorry you have had to go through abuse. When you talk about the love/hate, this is a classic example of how the narcissist sociopath leaves us. In a perpetual state of chaos. They are good and bad at the same time! You are not ‘broken’, just very badly emotionally/physically and mentally bruised. Love yourself Annette! ❤ Hang in there, I promise it does get easier 🙂

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      Reply
    • Fellow Survivor

      Annette, I know exactly how you feel. Its been 10 months since the divorce and I still feel broken, terribly broken.

      Like

      Reply
    • realniceguy

      i faked a suicide last year just to see if my girlfriend cared at all , guess what , she didnt even call to see if i was alive..realize these people are sick and are developed this way. i am a 53 yr young handsome grandfather you can reach my anytime my email is davidahicks278@yahoo.com im here to help people heal from this

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      Reply
      • A male victim in Santaland

        Actually, I respect your thought process, but WTF, fake a suicide to validate your relationship…c’mon…that is for teenagers not adults. But if you needed to do that, well as they say different strokes for different folks…..

        Like

    • realniceguy

      HEY ANNETTE you are not alone…as i stated earlier,,us loving sorts are out here it just a matter of time before we reach each other…yes i want her dearly but i dont miss the INSULTS AND BELITTLING if you were in philly we would probably be walking around holding hands and talking everything out …it gets better you just gotta make it happen ..im a 53 yr young grandfather and life is good ,,,i have my moments ,i did today but the worst is over i cant be let down by her anymore so chin up ,,,,heres my email if you wanna coorespond davidahicks278@yahoo.com

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    • Irene Adler

      But aren’t you better off with your integrity intact? Don’t allow an experience with a sociopath to ruin any more of your life than he already has! 50 isn’t the end of life, unless you choose for it to be.
      BTW-you’re never alone, you always have yourself.

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      Reply
      • Tela

        Yes, you do always have yourself. However, to many people who have been involved with a Sociopath for any length of time have their entire core being stripped from them. I have a post titled ‘Mind Fucking” {sorry for the title}, and when a Sociopath does this to a person, the person who truly deeply loves them, it destroy’s their sense of self etc. If it was only just so easy to say ‘don’t let a Sociopath ruin anymore of your life”, there are many people who have to maintain contact because of children. Other’s still are victimized even removed from the relationship. It is a very long difficult journey for most all men & women affected by a Sociopath.

        Liked by 1 person

      • A male victim in Santaland

        But I think Tela is spot on the mark….they mind fuck us totally, worst is we let them initially because they are masters of bullshit.

        Liked by 1 person

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