A Healing & Informative Site About Narcissistic Sociopaths

Dealing With Discard

I equate the ending of a relationship to a death in a sense. It is the loss of the ‘forever’ with someone, the loss of a ‘future together’, the loss of ‘shared dreams’.  With these loses you need to grieve.

For some, the Sociopath, Psychopath, Narcissist just ended the relationship with no warning. Some stop returning phone calls or do not reply to text messages. Some just disappear {only to contact you for whatever lame lie excuse at the time}, and other’s give you some sign’s that the relationship is not quite what it was. No matter how your relationship/marriage ended, it was most likely abrupt and most likely your fault {because a person with a Personality Disorder has no fault’s…..in their minds}. 

You will miss your Sociopath, Psychopath terribly!! You may experience physical pain on top of the emotional pain. You may even physically ache for the person. Unlike a ‘normal‘ relationship when it ends, the two people involved are both in agreement the relationship needs to end for whatever reason(s), or if they are not in agreement, at least they are aware the relationship will be ending.  Your tears will be many, the sadness will be overwhelming, the loneliness almost unbearable. You will find yourself consumed daily, even hourly, with thoughts of the Sociopath, Psychopath, Narcissist. There is not an appropriate time of healing, for each of us are different. You do however, need to be mindful of the consuming thoughts.
QUESTIONS, QUESTIONS, QUESTIONS
We spend our entire lives asking and answering questions, this is how we learned in school. When we met our future love sociopath, psychopath we answered a lot of questions 🙂 . For some of you, you even answered a question with “I Do”. So when these relationships end abruptly, almost always ugly, and sometimes they end multiple times, you will have a LOT of unanswered questions. Most common is, what did I do to deserve this? What could I have changed? Why didn’t he love me like I loved him? What does he/she see in the next person? How could they just walk away so easily? Why won’t they answer my calls or text? QUESTIONS!! of which you most likely will never get an honest answer, IF you even get one. We all want to feel validated. And in the beginning of these toxic relationships we get an abundance of validation, usually. So when we are left in a huge dust storm of emotional/mental  & sometimes financial destruction we want to know WHY? ?
As hard, next to impossible actually it will be, sometimes we just do not get the answers we want and/or need. Because I was also one of the unlucky ones in a toxic relationship, I also was diagnosed with breast cancer 5 months into the relationship.  So for me, I look at that relationship like the cancer-slowly eating away at me. And neither of these I can see. Yes, we can “see” the person who did this destruction to us, but we COULD NOT see it coming, we could not see our hearts & souls being destroyed. Just like I cannot see the actual cancer. So try and equate your Ex to some disease that was slowly destroying you-and that there is no cure. You have to give yourself ample time to grieve! Have grand pity-parties! Then put the toxic relationship in it’s place and you decide when you want to pull those thoughts out and deal with them, just try not to let the toxicity consume you 🙂 .
Give Time…….Time. Understand that, you are an important person and are very much validated. Like I said in this postMirror Mirror On The Wall……He Does Not Define You After All! ~

©sociopathlife.com  ©sociopathworld.wordpress.com

55 Responses to “Dealing With Discard”

  1. Jen

    I am on my third discard, going on two weeks. The first two times, I was the one to reach out and have him come back. This time, I reacted in anger, for five days. He had never seen my anger before and I’m mortified at my own lack of self respect.
    Like most, I’m incredibly confused. In the two weeks he’s been gone, he has been more consistent with paying the bills here at home than he ever was when he was here. He paid the entire rent and continues to keep up with other bills.
    He left with nothing and for the first time, I dropped off his belongings, all of them to him. He had refused to come get them on his own yet reacted in anger (that I had never seen before) when I told him I’d be dropping his stuff off.
    I know it’s not love on his part. I know how sick he is. I consider myself to be a strong, independent woman who has survived much worse. So why am I so incredibly broken? I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I don’t want to see anyone. I’ve blocked him on social media but I don’t know what to expect next?

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    • P

      The discards are just yo-yo. Knowing is not the same thing as having your self-esteem attacked, and on top of that we live in a sexist society that over-values narcissistic male behaviour and under-values women, no matter how strong you are that affects us all. It’s ok to be emotionally sick for a while, you’re going to come out of this whole not broken, you need to give yourself time to heal and distraction helps alot. Find a low-energy but creative hobby. Take care of yourself.

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    • Diana

      Hi, I’m in my final discard. I read a lot about narcissistic personalities, and I finally understood that I HAVE TO ESCAPE.
      I’m married for 15 years and I have a 12 year old boy, I don’t want him to witness this any more.
      I will divorce soon, because I finally realised that my husband is a monster.

      I’m from Romania, my english is not perfect 🙂

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  2. Mr. G!

    Interesting… my girl was giving me the hot and cold treatment, and I had to read the tea leaves to understand how I was supposed to act with her almost every time I saw her. Most recently, she had been avoiding seeing me, but still sending me emails, engaging me, keeping me on the line (for later, I suspect). I had enough, so I sent an email, a little needy, I’ll admit, and the message of that email was CAN WE PLEASE TALK?

    That was on May 13, and I haven’t heard a peep since. I have felt insecurity, sadness, anger, disgust and everything in between since then. I think the worst part is that I feel like I have to figure it out, and even though I can’t really know what’s in her head, I feel like I’ve got to get it right, that it needs to make sense to me. Of course, it can’t make sense, because I’d never do what she did. So I’m left to being able to believe and accept my best guesses.

    Thinking back, I can see times before where I got the mild silent treatment, and I adapted my behavior because I thought I’d offended her in some way. Then I was rewarded, like Pavlov’s dog. She was conditioning me! I didn’t see it at the time, but I can see it now. All the hot and cold treatment? It’s the same thing, just wrapped up in a slightly different package. It’s all about a failure to communicate clearly, and a preference to keep me off balance, and guessing while things change from day to day and week to week.

    That’s it for me. I haven’t reached out again, not once. I never will.

    What I notice online is that all the advice is geared to resolving the conflict by allowing her to continue to treat me like that until she’s ready to talk. Forget that noise. Truthfully, I’m not inclined to save this relationship anymore. She has no idea that I think she was right…. our separation and silence is much better than being with her ever was. Whenever I get weak, I try to remember what it felt like not knowing and guessing all the time. That helps, because I’m reminded that I just couldn’t go on like that.

    Lately, I’ve been memorizing a few responses I might give when I inevitably see her again. I’m going to be deliberately vague. After all, she’s good at dropping hints. Let’s see how good she is at picking them up.

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  3. HateNarcissists

    This blog is amazing, I too am currently going through the discard stage after 2 and half years together, it will be 3 weeks tomorrow (from being discarding and no contact) and is hurting like hell.

    He has given me the silent treatment in the past (around 4 times during our 2.5 years together) which usually last between 1 – 3 months and absolutely kills me every time to the point where I cant eat and I cry almost every night. Then just as I start to feel the tiniest bit better, I get a text from him.

    The most recent is because I asked him to make more of an effort with my family, to add me on social media and to be more respectful when he goes out (i.e. keeping in touch, as a couple of nights before he had gone out until the early hours of the morning and didn’t answer my calls or text me back). HE DID NOT LIKE THIS. Told me I’m ruining his day and I’m a nag etc. I knew that I would not get a message back after this outburst and knew that he would ignore me and go on one of his silent treatments, so the last thing I text was ‘if you decide to silent treatment me again and not message me back I will take that as your answer that this relationship is over’
    He did not message me back and I have not heard from him since, that was 3 weeks ago.

    Its hard, because I wonder if he ever loved me and how he can just walk away so easily (so many times). I have blocked him on all social media so I physically can not see what he is doing and we live a good 50 miles apart so no chance of bumping into one and other (which is good)

    The thought of him with a new partner makes me feel sick and so upset, though I know now that this was probably happening all throughout our relationship anyway.

    Can anyone confirm if this is Narcissist behaviour? Part of me doesn’t want to believe that he is Narc, but the more I read on the issue the more I see that he is. Can I just add, every argument we have ever had has been my fault, it was even my fault when a girl messaged me on Instagram and told me that he has been kissing her and asking her back to his on a night out! (it was my fault apparently cause I had been nagging about our relationship the month before)

    I hope things get easier and I wish everyone else who is going through this the strength to get through.

    X

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    • Sarah

      My response is that he sounds like a classic narcissist. However,regardless of the label he is still a jerk.
      You must go no contact and not look back. The pattern will just repeat itself over and over and you will be feeling worse every time.
      Start your new life today and good riddance to him!! Stay strong!!

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  4. Wayne

    The questions….the whys, how could you, how can you walk away so easiler like our relationship was nothing. Like a cancer. Tela you got a great way of describing exactly what im going through. Its really how she is. Really what i needed this morning . I wrote a email out this morning. Asking all the whys, and how could you , and stuff. Didnt send it. Just reread and deleted. If they didnt stay for your love, what makes you think they are going to stay for your words?.

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    • Tela

      Yes, like a malignant cancer that grew & grew with each passing day. The pain is horrific. One day, I promise; you will be free of her pain.

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  5. Mel

    I am in the discard phase at the moment but get calls to my mobile(cell) from a private number. I know it is him but I never answer . I have just about had enough of his games because that is what D/D is. What a pathetic little man he is. He is incomplete, the human part of him is missing. He sucks as a man and to be truthful he doesn’t even qualify as a human being. Mel xx

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    • HateNarcissists

      Hi Mel, I have been discarded and been given the silent treatment for 3 weeks now (the 5th time now during 2 and a half years) I’m guessing he will pop up again in a month or so but I want to be strong enough this time to not take him back. It hurts so much x

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      • Becky

        It’s so amazing to me the identical behavior of these people. The silent treatment then the return then the rages and the storming off … silent treatment then back again. It’s truely horrible. An emotional nightmare. Why do I and people like me cling to the hope and the love ( on our side). I am so weak and take him back over and over. Welcome the temporary relief from the insane pain.., until it starts over…
        I don’t even expect a different result anymore. I know what he is and what he will do… again… I guess I am just not strong enough to reach the safe place… longest I made it was 6 months … then he back and I let him back and instant pain relief ..for a while… ahh!!!! Just want to be free but can’t break away..he is intwined in my soul.. I despair I will ever get away… will die in this cycle

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  6. Rebecca Robertson

    Thank you for the response. I have blocked him and I will avoid places I know he will be. I still wake up every morning with a brick in my stomach. My family and friends just tell me to move on that He was horrible to me and I should be glad to be free. I suppose if I don’t really understand why I hurt so much and why it is so hard, then I cant expect them to. It nice to know I am not alone. Thank you

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  7. Richa

    Hey i have a similar story was involved for almost 12 years….started trusting the person more than i ever trusted myself…might as wrll because my judgrment is defective…was in with a covert narcissist and everything was covert.. years passed…he married…i got breast cancer…i believe due to the pain i underwent…took treatment…took him back…he was missing all the time i was getting treaded…he came back…fell very ill tended him back and after that i went through my second devalue and discard phase…and i thought after facing a serious affliction himself he would be more compassionate and be able to support me morally…but poof he was gone and married again…the lies and deceptions i am getting to know and understand now…at times i question that maybe i am the covert narcissist here…i can make no sense of anything anymore…someone please guide me through…i fear a relapse of cancer…one thing i know though is that i have to love myself…i need some support group where in i can talk and don’t feel alone…do they find happiness

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    • Tela

      Richa, I am so sorry you have had to endure breast cancer, and the treatment. That in and of itself is horrific.
      You ask for a support group where you can talk, and do not feel alone. Please understand, you can post on any article on my site and you will receive support. I promise, you are NOT alone. Yes, it feels like you are, and yes, you question if you are the covert narcissist. That is so very classic of what I call the whiplash effect.
      Everything the Sociopath said and did to you, during and after the break-up’s, make-up’s only to be discarded again, does make a person think “hmmmm, am I the one that has a problem”? NO! You are not!
      Please read through all the post on here, read other’s comment’s. You will read the pain they are in or have been in. While I cannot comment on your fear of the cancer returning, I do believe the mind is the greatest healer.
      And as far as the Sociopath….time will be your greatest healer. Do NOT take on what he said to make you question yourself. Please. Think back prior to 12 years ago, to the person you were. No, you will never be her again, but you will be a better person. You will learn during this healing process, you must love yourself, flaws and all, to be able to let go of all the ugly done to you by the Sociopath.
      You’re not alone! xx

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  8. Becky

    Been discarded 7 weeks ago after 5 years of abuse.
    Blindsided. Silent treatment followed by finding out on Facebook he has a new girlfriend. I emailed him and ended up with a page of abuse and lies. Blamed me for everything of course….
    How long will it take to feel better? I grieve every day and am in constant fear of bumping into him and his new source. It’s a small town… The hurt just won’t go away 😦

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    • Tela

      Becky, I replied to your other comment. Block him on ALL social media. All you are doing is causing yourself harm. Yes, you want to know ‘why’, and ‘how could he’, and ‘who is he seeing’ etc. He will never, ever take any accountability for his actions. You were just one of many women who were used and then discarded.
      As far as bumping into him. You know his pattern, you know where he normally is any given day/time. It is up to you to stay away. Do not put yourself where you know you will ‘bump’ into him. You are wanting him to miss you. You are wanting him to see what he threw away. I’m sorry Becky, he will never ‘see’ that, and truly does not care about you or your feelings. This is the very cold harsh reality of a Sociopaths mind. I wish you well on your healing. And it will take a very, very long time.

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  9. Lisa

    Broke up AGAIN….swore at me called names and I said nothing. I think it’s because I exposed one of his lies. I want it to be the last time but I still can’t hit the “block” button. I can’t move on I’m scared because the last time I caved in after 36 hours the sheer panic struck me….I care about him when he’s good but I don’t trust him anymore. I almost feel like I won’t be free and I won’t be able to move on…

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    • Tela

      Lisa~ You CAN and you MUST hit that block button. What are you gaining by his tirades? His verbal abuse? Only to be 180 degree opposite the next hour, or day or week? You need to be honest with yourself and accept the fact that your boyfriend is SICK. Very, very SICK. And nothing you say or do will ever change him. No matter the thousands of promises he will make you. I’m sure you have heard them all.
      Yes, you ‘care’ about a man who does not exist. Hard to comprehend I know. He is a walking/talking/breathing illusion of a man who charmed his was into your life to systematically and methodically destroy it.
      You! Are the one who has the power now, take it and block him! When you feel like your going to ‘cave’……read, read my website, read other’s comment’s, reach out to someone. But please, do not give him the power to abuse you any longer.

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    • Joanna Harkey

      If you don’t do it now, it will get harder and even more painful. He is sucking you back in to make it harder to leave in the future. Read, read and reread all the articles you can about this personality disorder of his. I am now 3 months out of being discarded with no warning after 12 years. I am just now feeling like I will survive. There were weeks I honestly believed I was going to die. Trust your instincts. Know it will be extremely painful, but also there is better life on the other side. Joanna from Texas.

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      • Becky

        How do you get through it? Been 7 weeks for me ( discarded out of blue… he took off with new source before even ended it with me) and can’t get past the pain even though I know intellectually I am better off and see him for what he is

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      • Tela

        Becky, you do not just ‘get through it’. What you are currently going through is literally HELL. Yes the pain! Oh the pain of betrayal, the pain of the lies, the realization that when he said I love You, he truly did not mean it. {Sociopath’s cannot love}. The pain of the discard, the pain of the time lost spent with him. The pain of the mental pain you are experiencing. So this is not just something you ‘get through’ or even ‘get over’. Reach out to someone.
        If you do not have family or friends who understand Sociopaths, post on here. You will see there are thousands who have, or are, right where you are. 7 weeks post discard. It hurts like HELL. And it will for a very long time. I will say to you, the most important thing to do is NO CONTACT. Zero yes, hard to do. But if your intellectual mind is telling you you’re better off without him, listen to it. And I’m fairly certain that no matter what, he can tell you he has ‘changed’, he ‘misses you’ etc. It is all lies!

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  10. Survivor16

    I have left my ex narc of nearly 4 years and have been no contact for 2 weeks now. He is flaunting his new girlfriend around like I was nothing. She even messaged me and told me to leave them alone and that I was crazy. He was constantly seeing other woman while we were together and also was sneaking to brothels. When I looked on his computer I found hundreds of porn sites and videos saved that were all very sadistic. It makes me feel sick that I was in a relationship with his person. He would constantly have a tantrum if he didn’t get his way and he treated me like a servant, making me do everything. I a so glad I have found sites like these with other people who have gone through similar experiences.

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  11. Leigh McDougal

    I have read these essays for several years now and I can only thank these generous people a million times. I don’t know exactly what drove me to these sites — well I do actually– it’s the puzzling and very painful actions of my loved one. I have been in many relationships over my lifetime but never been in one like this. It’s been four years on a roller coaster and the last ticket that I bought was for the promise of marriage and a life together. Previously after so much pain I walked away and never expected to hear from P again. In he walked 4 months ago with a ring, his love and the promise of building a life together. It took two months and the illusion of a life together was shattered by his weakness. I think psychopathy is just that– a terrific and horrendous weakness that is like a windshield not made of strong glass. A gust of wind and it shatters– all the shards entering your heart and soul. Whileamy of these sites provide so much support for the pain inflicted however to be really strong I have to focus on replacing the windshield. With somethingore durable and lucid and so strong that I am truly and honestly protected. I don’t know that that can come from anyone else but me and its a terrifically difficult process to move out of these relationships- we don’t just hop from the car and find a better life. if it were only that easy…. Every moment is a challenge; every thought is a dagger .. How woukd we ever have known that we were by choice entering into something so deeply disturbing and life altering. So– many of us come to these sites to regain a bit of sanity before sleep or before we go to work or out with friends. Keep writing, keep sharing, you are keeping me alive.

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  12. hurtconfused

    I’m so confused I don’t know if it him or me. I was with this by for years I was in love with him. In the beginning everything was great we started off as friends, then it went to sex, then it became something more well to me it did to this day he says he didn’t promise me anything nor did we have a relationship though everyone around us saw it and I felt it. I did almost anything to impress this man. Showered him with gifts love anything. The whole time we were kicking it he was still flirting with other girls, went out a date and such. I was still in the wing hoping he would see me and love me. I embellished things about me changed some things about me my likes and such. I wanted him. Then his guy friend comes along and immediately off the bat I thought something was wrong but I tried to befriend him anyway. My guy started being distant then it was always us three always hanging I felt a instinct about the guy friend I did. Even my mother said to watch out for him but my head was in the clouds. They were so nice to me especially the guy friend. After time passed 2 years, I felt like there was something going on. So one night I had a talk with the guy friend and the next day my guy all of a sudden wanted to talk. He said it to me so chilly it was raining so hard that day. He said “I’ve been in a relationship with him (the guy friend) for almost a year. I was devasted to say the least. After that he was so apologetic checked in everyday after that night for a while we met up and talked about it. I was hurt so hurt. I decided to try and deal with it still be his friend but I couldn’t I felt so betrayed. He didn’t want me to tell anyone and so I kept up the facade for a while but then people started to notice and that pain I couldn’t hide anymore. I didn’t go out and tell people only a close friend knew and I didn’t want them to treat him any different. He would contact me every now and then as time went on I always thought every time he contact me he cared then it got more and more distant. When i went to talk to the guy friend he would say i dont understsnd why your so upset its not like you had a relationship. That hurt me more than anything that all me and my guy had shred for 7 plus years was just nothing he would acknowledge me as his sister. That hurts For his birthdays I always went all out even though he never asked me to I did the past year after he told me i got him tickets to a concert for him and his guy. (I alwsys did things like that for him i wanted him happy) For my birthday I got a text that was it. Now to him I’m the bad person because as he says it I’m the narc, i’m no longer keeping his secret so to speak. I havent blasted him FB none of that, my friends ask me why i’m sad or why isn’t he there for a birthday dinner, nothing as mean as to what the guy friend had done very on. So I started to believe that myself which what lead me to your site. I need help I don’t know.which way to turn or which way is up.

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    • Thisshitisreal

      im stuck with crazy, been trying to figure out the exit plan(baby involved) Ive realized somewhere along the way ive become co dependant not exactly sure how that came to be. Somehow these vampires know how to crack your defense systems they blow the foundations right out. Thing is after that happens you will slowly find yourself sinking to their level to fight back and defend yourself from such things like gaslighting projection even certain tones(condescending or disgust) will set you off. All of this is a win to these vampires, so no matter what they win, which is probably the sickest part of all. Its all just a game!

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  13. Ange

    I got the D/D a week today, he was so cruel about it too… this being only 6 weeks of being back together when he threatened suicide and begged my to help him be normal, to help him get off the cocaine .. I was reluctant to take him back after the lie upon lies he told me, the triangulation with his ex the paranoia and controlling ways… the cocaine was apparently the root of all his evils… and me being me couldn’t ignore this cry for help – my thanks for all my efforts and support was for him to torture me slowly for a week by becoming distant and emotionally dead before telling me he was unhappy and his feeling had changed..
    My response to this was you should have told me sooner pack your stuff and leave, I knew it was coming so there was no way I was going to beg or seek answers, he left that night but collected his stuff the next day… left my key but not the fob key for the main entrance! I had a friend message him regarding the fob and his response was to tell her that I should call or text him if I wanted it back.. I’ve heard nothing since from him and I’ve not contacted him either.. I’m done with the break up get back together, pack your bags unpack your bags cycle. I promised myself and told him on the last unhappy I mean happy reunion that the next time he leaves will be the last time he comes back… and I’m sticking to it this time!

    I’ve heard through somebody that he is planning to put in appearance this Friday at the pub I work in and other then saying please and thank you when I serve him I plan on acting like he doesn’t exist! As for my fob he can stick it where the sun doesn’t shine!

    No contact does make you think more clearly, you will wobble but just remember all the crappy things they have done to you, make a list of how they make your life better and how many times they have done something horrible – shall we have a bet which list is longer!

    Be strong everyone… just remember you have all the qualities they’ll never possess

    Xx

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    • Tela

      Thank you Ange for your comment and sharing. No contact truly is the ONLY way to go forward to begin the healing process.

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  14. michelle buck

    mine kept disappearing for a week or more always blaming having trouble getting over ex, I always took him back, he would never commit to any plans with me, I couldn’t make a plan for next wk because I never knew if he was going to be there. One time in june he had been ignoring me and I sent him a text and that ex answered me, he was with her, all this time he had been sharing his time between us, double life. again I forgave and took him back. 3 weeks ago he was acting distant, cold and I knew something was coming he knew I would ask what was wrong and an argument would happen and it did, the next day I was replaced by a new victim. He has always come back always playing victim but this time I attacked him as a man, man whore, cheater, lliar. Deficient in bed anything I could possibly say because he was saying awful stuff to me. even threatening police reports for harassment and If I went to his house to return key. I wasn’t harassing. I had just got the text he had someone else. I was telling him what I thought about him. Each discard was more and more cruel with the things he said. I would love for his new friend to not work out, would love for him to come crawling back so I could tell him to eff off.Not sure with all the nastiness and threats that he will though, He has devastated my life. He would life with evidence right in his face. Pathological liar.

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    • Ange

      Hi Michelle, your story is mine, double life oh yes I know that one well.. my ex has kids with his ex so when I finally found out that’s where he was disappearing to every time we had a fight, he blamed it all on his ex and said he had to go back there coz it was the only way he could see the kids! That it was me he loved and didn’t want her! Well so much for that load BS as I know he is back there again… I know its hard but try not to let him telling you about his new girl get to you – he will only treat her better for so long as he won’t be able to keep up the Mr nice guy act for to long.. hopefully she will wise up quicker then we did and kick his case to the kerb and if your really luck you might get to do the same if he does decide to come crawling back! But try as difficult as it to remember that you are nothing more the a supply to his great big ego, nothing more, don’t get sucked in.

      Be strong be free and take care of you… x

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      • michelle buck

        im not so sure he will be back , its been a m onth and I don’t think he will ever see me as supply. I called him out for what he was I don’t think he sees me as someone he can get anything from. He knows I care though,, care a lot. Im trying to get over that.

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  15. Adam

    oh man, she dumped me cold 3 times and I went back to her again and again cause I could not control my urge to see her and it kept getting worst and worst. The last time she attacked me without a reason (blaming game) and I got an education from my cousin to leave her, I just walked away without given here the chance to dump me. I hope this will make her suffer. Yes I admit, I do miss her and there is been not a minute with her thoughts, but then every time I miss her, I also bring memories on how she treated be (ofc after her honeymoon period with me), how she lied to my face even I caught her red handed (sometimes those small lies hurt the most)…. I am trying to be strong and I am praying that God never give me that will to go back to her….

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    • Tela

      Adam, it is the Sociopath Addiction you have to break. The addictive consuming thoughts of her. Your mind wanting to take you back to the ‘happy times’, thinking of her when you first met. Read the article RED FLAGS again. Now that you are removed from the relationship, you can see her and her Sociopath ways more clearly.
      If you contact her, If you break the urge to get back with her, you will be starting over from square one trying to put your mental & emotional life back together. And you know how damn hard that is! She will continue to lie to you, everyone, that is who she is! You cannot say anything to her to change that, you can not wish/pray/beg enough to change her!
      Yes, it sucks, and it sucks big time as you truly loved this
      non-existent real, compassionate, empathetic woman! That is the first hardest thing to accept, when she is a walking/talking/breathing person. But get her behind closed doors, the mask comes off and the REAL Sociopath steps forward. Do you want to spend the rest of your life in that mental chaos?

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  16. Isitjustme

    I am 3 months out of a relationship with who I think was a sociopath. There has been no contact for about 6 weeks and I have no desire to contact him but it still hurts. I keep feeling better but then seem to take a step backwards. Is this normal? I am realising he probably never loved me at all

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    • Tela

      Thank you IsItJustMe for your comment. Yes, it is very normal to take steps backwards!!! The realization of what type of ASPD your ex is, takes time. And with clarity, that brings the hurt back, the steps back, you start to think ‘if I just would have (_________)’, fill in the blank, then we would still be together. NO! You cannot and could not change his personality! Nothing you would have said or done would have changed the same outcome! I KNOW it hurts, and it hurts badly!!! But you have to be strong! You have to fight against your emotions almost on a daily basis not to contact him…but if you break the no contact, then you slide right back into hell!!!

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  17. Julie

    BTW this is the point at which his rage came out of the closet and he sattred attacking me legally, physically, with vicious rumors, etc. Not seeing the kids, lying about me, and finally plotting to kill me. But I never gave in, because I had finally seen the man behind he mask. I was actually surprised I survived that divorce.

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  18. Sandip

    Yes, I know exactly what you mean Donna.I had weodernd for weeks, no months, why a fifty year old professional man would behave so bizarrely, then one day last month I realized the truth and EVERYTHING made sense.The books The Sociopath Next Door has been a big help in explaining why these people do the things they do .Thanks for this website. It has been an ENORMOUS help to me the last few weeks!Maggie

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  19. jenna

    Thank you for writing all this. I’m slowly making progress but still haven’t brought it to myself to leave.

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    • Tela

      Thank you for your comment Jenna. You will know when your ready to leave, it’s putting the plan into action and sticking with the no contact that’s most important. ~hugs~

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
    • James

      Jenna, I have had no contact with my sociopath for a week, I think I am happier, because I no longer have to unravel the lies and feel miserable. The life is not being sucked out of me..I hope i am this way in a weeks time. Just know the glimmer of light is no longer having to be tormented with twisted lies. It feels good

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      Reply
      • Tela

        That is FANTASTIC James!! I KNOW at times it has been difficult with this no contact. But each and every minute that goes by is another minute your not being filled with her toxicity of like you mentioned LIES. Hang in there my friend….i promise it really does, in time, get easier!! There are so many who are where your at, take some comfort in knowing you will survive this horrific abuse! 😀

        Liked by 1 person

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