A Healing & Informative Site About Narcissistic Sociopaths

50 Shades of Fucked Up

Thinking about your Narcissist, Sociopath, Psychopath, you can remember how they are 50 Shades of Fucked Up! I am sure you have asked yourself ‘how did I become involve with someone with an Anti social personality disorder”, “how did I become a victim of emotional and/or physical abuse”? “Why didn’t I see the red flags” and so on. You may never know the reason! You can think back to different scenarios & situations, you may also remember the first time abuse happened. And you may ask yourself ‘why didn’t I leave”. There is a laundry list of reasons (&even excuses) why you didn’t leave. Love is a very powerful feeling, and just as powerful trying to let go of it.  Some of you may still be in a destructive relationship, and I hope that you will find the strength to get out!
Once we escape the 50 Shades Of Fucked Up, we have to detox! What I find so difficult is, your family and friends, books, all give great advice on how to ‘Detox From A Relationship’. Ok, we are not talking about a normal relationship here!! We are talking 50 Shades Of Fucked Up relationship.  The worst emotional, mental and for some physical abuse we will ever encounter in our lives. So how do we Detox from this?

To Detox you need to look at not only what you are eating, but what (or who) is eating you. Toxins are not just in the food and drinks we consume, toxins are also from people who don’t give you the clarity and glow in life, people who prey on your weaknesses, people who were/are your Narcissistic Sociopath. And trying to detox from your Sociopath is sometimes very difficult, at best! Why is this? Because they had the ability to strip away any and everything good in your life! They were hypercritical, judgmental and verbally abusive. The time spent with them drained you of everything except your five senses! Here is a list of some of the 50 Shades Of Fucked Up Toxins caused by your Sociopath

  • Consuming thoughts of them~
  • Blaming yourself for the failure of the relationship~
  • Asking yourself multiple questions about why~
  • Wondering how do you move forward~
  • Crying and feeling sad most of the time~
  • Wondering if he thinks about you (and/or the children)~
  • Trying to figure out how to stop the obsessive thoughts about them~
  • Having a low, or for some, a non-existent self esteem~
  • Wanting answers, answers, answers!!! ~
  • Wanting to hear something that will make it all ok, that will ‘justify’ everything!~
  • Wanting to hear from them (yet knowing that is not the right thing to do)
  • Defending your thoughts and actions constantly~

This is just a very small list of what you go through. But for everyone who has experienced life with a sociopath, there is one common factor. We are left feeling numb, empty and void. Those negative toxins are in place! And each of us is different, and will approach the detox in your own way in your own time. The most important thing is, is that you do Start The Detox! Chances are, the Ex is not waiting around for you. He already dumped his toxins off on you, and is moving forward. When your ready, you will start to look at your ex as a big pile of dog shit, and no one eats dog shit. So instead of being 50 Shades Of Fucked Up, it’s time to become 50 Shades Of Fabulous! One minute, one hour, one day at a time!

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkenss, that most frighten us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Who are you  not to be?

©sociopathlife.com  ©sociopathworld.wordpress.com

30 Responses to “50 Shades of Fucked Up”

  1. Brenda M Good

    I so wish I could have learned these things earlier in my life. 3 abusive relationships later I am finally seeing it wasn’t me. I always thought it was. I know completely about how addicted I was to these men. The last one showed up at my door again this morning. I have tried telling him to not contact but eventually he shows up again. I cannt win talking to him so now I just don’t answer the door. I just started to see things more clearly by not facing him. I feel like such a fool. The lies, the sex, the manipulation. These people are very good at what they do. After years of counseling, much pain and depression I now understand why I should have no contact with him. Thank you for your articles.

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  2. Paul

    The thing I’m most struggling with now, is that my ex wife has all the traits I’ve seen and read of a sociopath, regular discarding, love bombing, zero empathy and the inability to accept any form of responsibility for her part in things, but every time I read a post on her I find myself thinking, “if she was reading this she’d say that it all applied to me” the scary thing I’m finding is that, I think some of the traits DO apply to me to. But, I have fought and fought to save our marriage, accepted full and total responsibility for the things that I have done wrong (and there have been many things I’ve done wrong) and made whatever amends I can, and I also know that I feel love, I loved this woman like I’ve never loved anyone before or thought I could. Yet still I worry that I too might be a sociopath or narcissist. Does the fact that I feel love and empathy and can hold account of myself mean that I’m not? Or is even thinking I am just a symptom of what’s been going on?

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    • Enantiomer™

      If you are asking yourself these questions them there is 99.99% probability that you are NOT a narc / sociopath / psychopath. 🙂

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  3. Em

    I’m one of them except he is telling me and everyone around me that I am the sociopath. ..actually has telling them in the skitzo, and he is trying to ride this out with me cause he “lives me that much”…not that he evers tells me that, or tried to hug and kiss me or even have sex. There are no nice words that come from his mouth about me, and just yesterday told me I treat him like shit and always have, even though I’ve paid his way from a roof over his head to the earring in his ear to his underwear and foid, cigatettes, etc….he has not paid a time in any of this. Oh well let me say he HAS spent his foidstamp money on food for us . That is it though, so I do need to give that respect to him. I have never been called such nasty hateful names ever in my life, or talked down too. Everything I say he tells me I’m lying, or hsllucinating, hearing things whatever. He hacks my phones and emails and takes mail…it all just sucks BAD!!
    This little column said it all and I can’t wait to get out of this relationship that isn’t anything but him sucking the life and money out of me. Thanks for writing it whoever you are.50 shades of fucked up isn’t even close to how I feel
    Wish me luck.

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  4. Joshua Bailey

    Hi People and thank you Tela,
    I am a male who has been dealing with this issue for over ten years and 3 kids.
    This woman is a sociopath as well as in possession of an extraordinary high IQ.
    We are divorced. SO I have been through the mill of family court here in the US. She did every thing but physically abuse me. The list of events is so long that there isnt time or room here to go into detail. In a nut shell, this person married me with no love in her heart for me or the kids that were to come. She hid her history from me, for good reason, until she had given birth to our first child. Inretrospect there were many many red flags from the beginning. She came to me while she was living with another man. I told her >no, not until you break up with David ,who was also a friend of mine, and whos heart I did not want to have broken on my account. She came to me a week later telling me she had ended it with David. She lied , I found out after it was too late and the damage was done. Red flag #1. Buy this time I had fallin madly in love with this person. And the list of sociopathic traits for this stage of the seduction were all true point by point. I was unaware that one human would ever even be able to do this to another human. Now I feel like such a dumb ass. Ten years of marriage and 3 kids later I am broke and have lost everything I worked for and the inheritance left to me by my parents gone into a house we walked away from because she was following a plan I didnt know at the time existed. God knows I had my suspicions but we also had 2 kids at the time and the last thing I ever wanted was for my children to grow up with one parent. Either just me or her. My kids are the light of my life and really the only way I get through the day. But now they live 2000 miles from me. Again, to much info to relate at the moment. And if I had not just lived through what I had, I would have my disbelief that any of it was even true.
    Someday I will get my strength back and relate all of the unbelievable events just so it might help someone else and so my kids know my side of the events.
    The one question I have asked her that she will never answer is this; Where were you 10 years ago(she was homeless, living with david in a camper in San Diego without a penny to her name and the black sheep of a family that she hid from) and where are you now? Why? Where was I 10 years ago and where am I now? and why? 10 years ago I had a successful business in san Diego I lifted weights 5 days a week and did mixed martial arts 3 nights a week. I was doing the best I had ever done in all ways in my life. And along came nic and it was all down hill from there. The only positive thing in my life right now is that I force myself to goto the gym every other day. But I talk to my kids on the phone onec a week . The reason for that is< as far as I can tell, my 8 year old daughter gets very sad when she talks to me because she misses her daddy. So it is just easier for her not to talk to me. My 10 year old son has become obsessed with the xbox and plays it every spare moment.He has told me that that is how he deals with what has happened. And of cource the mother loves the fact that he is in his room every moment he isnt in school because she has a live in baby sitter, XBOX1. My kids suffer mainly neglect. They are left alone in the house at nigh while she goes to the gym or while dating and any day there is a snow day or they are sick. My kids are doing well in school at this time. as far as I know. My concern is the life of my kids. Some will ask why I dont live near them. I want to more then life it self but I also want them to have a home. and for me to give them that I have to make the money that it takes to do so. There isnt much work these days in Ky. but I trying to rebuild my business in San Diego with the goal in mind that I will be able to work it out in Ky. So I can be near my kids. You see, when the bomb was dropped, she waited until I was out of town on a one week trip to SD to make the money to support us back in KY. I got the call," I want a Divorce and Im going down on monday to file". This was after I found out that she was sleeping with my sons Ju jitsu teacher. He was told a pile of lies about me abandoning her and the kids. After I contacted him(he is a good man and was simply miss lead) he realized had been lied to and broke it off and apologized to me. Her reaction was to blow up because I had interfered in her life and ruined a good thing she had going. Well enough for now. Please respond if you have something positive to say or something helpful. I am trying to find an attorney that has smoe idea what I am dealing with here.

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  5. Ruby

    This is so me, right now. Every item on the list. Just want it to go away. Even at the end, the lies and twisting of the truth continued. And the new victim was flaunted in my face. I keep taking deep breaths. When the pain and grief washes over me, I don’t resist. I let myself feel. I cry, I scream, I howl at the freakin’ moon. Then I push the thoughts away. I keep telling myself I have go through this, I can’t go around it. I have to acknowledge the pain and feel it and let it go. It is so hard. It is so wearing. It’s 18 years of pain that I can’t comprehend the “why” of. So many “why’s”. When I wish him bad things, I let the thoughts come. I refuse to feel guilty for wishing him bad things. It’s human. I let the thoughts come, I speak them aloud, and I let them go. And I also don’t let myself obsess. And I don’t blame myself. That’s an easy trap to fall into. When I find myself obsessing or blaming myself, I pull myself out of that hole. I take a lot of deep breaths. Yoga helps. And I’m trying to do more physical exercise, even if just walking. Staying outside a lot. And doing things I love to do. I am astounded at how much of the things that I enjoyed doing that I gave up for this person. I have to accept that there are no answers, no justice, no closure, no remorse. I have to accept that I was simply a tool and I was used up and discarded. I have to think about myself now. Journaling helps. One minute, one hour, one day, one week at a time. I want to reach the point of indifference and fully breathe again.

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  6. Helen

    Yes I’m 72 have been married for 28 yrs separated for nearly because of DV The officer got me out and helped find me somewhere to live. I am totally isolated but have 2dogs to keep me company. My husband has no empathy and lies through his teeth has robbed me financially and of possessions, always telling me”you are wrong”!!! And putting everyone else before me never standing up for me ever. He loves being a leader and is a good one, no sex for 25 years not that I give two hoots but it’s all part of the sum total of who he is !!! I feel depressed and lonely and he comes over every day for an hour and helps out with taking me shopping and to the hospital I pay for petrol !

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    • Tela

      Thank you Marigold! Keep reading, keep educating yourself. You will make it through this! There are so many people who are where you are right now. You are not alone!!!! ❤

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      Reply
  7. Angie

    Amazing post. I first read it 8 mths ago when I felt f**ked up…I read it from time to time. It’s so funny! Thank you x

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  8. lilaosborne

    This is spot on. I spent months isolating and writing out 35 years of his crap. Now 3 years later I’m finally feeling integrated think I’m ready to take on the world now. Happy I found your blog today ❤

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    • Tela

      Thank you @lilaosborne for your comment. It is always nice to read when someone has finally been able to break free of the darkness and look for the light.

      Liked by 1 person

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    • An abused and stung male

      I fully agree, Tela you have done a great job and glad you have not minced your words.

      I am a male in Northern Europe, a big fellow, 6.2 and just under 200lbs yet she mangeged to come in and Veni, Vidi, Vici (came, saw, conquered). She beat me, scratched me, kicked me in my privates, yanked me out of bed (mobile phone was turned off at 0430 when she got home)….the story has many such events…and asking you Tela and the comunity…how do I react when I see her….yes indifferent, ignore etc…but that is hard to do, she has no boundaries…she even kicked me in the back at Heathrow Airport…sure everyone thought I had probably pinched her ass or said something crude….nope, I told her to take all metal objects off…she got mad, security got her and she had stand in line … anyway please help. br T

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      • Tela

        Thank you for your comment. I will send you an email. And ask the community to also comment with suggestions that have worked for them. 🙂

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      • M. Wright

        Sorry to hear the plight you are going through, I just recently started on my path to recovery, so I haven’t really got the hang of the ropes yet. Also, because I was so emotional, the damage was more destructive than it could have been otherwise

        I can however share what had helped me and things that could have help in retrospect:

        – Not sure if your situation is preventing you from having no contact. Avoid all contact if possible, cut your losses so to speak. (Even if possible, easier said than done, sociopath break their victims down and mold us to depend on them by isolating, manipulating, so it is hard to break free. However by staying, it allow them another opportunity to manipulate and confuse you more.)

        – if you don’t have an option of No Contact, try not to alarm or confront the sociopath by calling them out for what they are until you have at least prepare yourself a safe escape, in the meanwhile, try to just see them for who they are. When you have a safe escape/or a means to no contact, you can decide to whether to expose them (you have to weight out whether is worth more possible pain and hardship) or tell the sociopath that you can no longer deal with the unhealthy relationship and LEAVE and don’t look back.

        – prepare yourself with information on sociopath and keep trying to connect with support, like Tela’s wonderful site. 🙂 There is plenty of information here on Tela’s site on different stages and emotions and struggle you might go through at different times. Read also other books on sociopath (I don’t recommend the ones written by sociopaths-they tend to confuse), getting to know more about them, helps with putting the warning signs and red flags to protect yourself. Your sociopath had done a lot to break that down, it would take awhile to build back up.

        – Be gentle with yourself. Sociopath target and even professional sociopath experts can get fool. It will take time, and it helps to get a professional that has expertise helping sociopath victims because the situation with a sociopath is hard for someone who has never been entangled with one to understand. The sociopath has slowly poison you bit by bit and mixed it up with what makes you you. It takes awhile to sort it out. It going to be a hard, painful journey, and the manipulation ingrained in us is hard to get rid of, so try to be patient. When you miss your sociopath or doubt whether you have mistaking the sociopath, remind yourself, this is the me that the sociopath has made-up (from the manipulation and ultimately their desire for control to make people jump or do whatever they command).

        Hope it helps. Good luck with getting away from your sociopath, to healing and finding yourself again.

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      • Tela

        Thank you M for your encouraging and informative comment. It is always a positive reinforcement when we realize we are not alone on the painful path to healing. ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  9. M. Wright

    It’s been a month of no contact, yet I still reeling from the fact I was so deeply entrenched with my ex sociopath. Aside from deliberately hurting/wronging others, I risked everything for him. Looking back, it’s surreal, the many times he lied and cheated and I fell deeper in his trap after I confront him with evidence; as always he would twisted them and I listened to them like a cult member. If he wasn’t so keen (within days of my departure) to acquire his next victim who I warned and effectively, he cut me loose in minutes. This was that same person that told me I heal him, that said, I am someone who he can’t say no to, that he can’t ever get mad at and that he can’t live without me not even a week earlier. I want to stop thinking about him, I want to move on…yet I am struggling with all the bullets you so neatly in your article.

    When will I be able to move on…when will I stop crying about him (or his persona), when will I snap out of disbelief?

    Liked by 1 person

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    • Tela

      Thank you M for your comment….you really described being involved with a Sociopath and listening to them like a ‘cult’ member with that word. I don’t think you need to ‘snap out of disbelief’…you need to realize you have been a

        victim

      . You were mentally and emotionally abused. When you can come to terms with what happened, and understand it was NOT you, then you will be able to make the steps to move on. You had very real feelings and emotions for him, and it’s hard to accept that the person whom you thought was your soul mate, is just a disguise, hollow. You are not alone in this…..if you want to talk further, or if there is some particular things you want me to try and address please email me at telahill1@gmail.com ~hugs~

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  10. Susan Khedr

    Thank you for your helpful article.
    I am one of the vicitims who succeeded to get out of a horrible siciopath who abused me stongly emotionally, physically & financially.
    And still carry his pile of dig shit in my mund & dying to just get him out of my mind as well,.
    Can you advise me pls?

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