A Healing & Informative Site About Narcissistic Sociopaths

The Pawns

Children of Sociopaths have a high probability of becoming The Pawns. Like a game of chess, the Sociopath strategically & methodically uses the innocent child/children for their game of manipulation and control. And to frequently, Parental Alienation happens. Parental Alienation involves destructive actions by an aligned parent to discredit and sabotage the parent in the eyes of the alienated child. The aligned parent will ‘program’ the child/children that the other parent is mean, unloving, uncaring, selfish and worthless. By these repeated words about you and your character, the child/children will believe they will be happier if you are out of their life. As with any manipulation, the child/children may hate the other parent, which in turn leads to mental & emotional problems for the child/children. Some of these children will be scarred for life, and possibly turn on both parents. Some have difficulty trusting and forming loving relationships later on in life.

Some of the common methods used by a Narcissistic Sociopath parent are:

  • Interfering with or denying other parent visitation
  • Interfering with or not supporting contact with the other parent. They will listen to all phone calls, read/monitor text messages.
  • Withholding school/medical/social activities from the other parent
  • Failure to follow any medical treatment/medications prescribed
  • Making unilateral decisions without contact/consulting other parent
  • Telling the child/children the breakup of your relationship was all your fault, that is why you are no longer in the home. Blaming you for financial difficulties. Telling the child/children you didn’t love them enough to stay.
  • Refusing to let the child/children take any of their possessions to the other parents house.
  • Having a blatant disregard for court orders, deliberately not following the orders and blaming their ‘reason’ for not doing so on you. 

So how do you stop the other parent from doing the above {and more}. You actually cannot stop them. They will systematically & methodically break the child/children down just like they did you and the relationship. However what you can do is to provide the 3 ‘C’s..Concise, Clarity, Consistency

  1. Be concise when dealing with the other parent! This means be brief, but very clear with whatever you have to discuss. This does not mean you call them out on what you know to be wrong/hurtful/detrimental to the child/children. *see consistency* If there are issues that you must discuss with the other parent, stick with the issue(s) only without any susuperfluous detail.
  2. With Clarity, you are being transparent when dealing with the other parent. There will be no misconception {suppose to be anyway} by the other parent. With clarity there is little room for misunderstanding, and you will be easily understood. I’m not saying you tell the other parent any & everything they want {or feel} they need to know. I’m talking about keeping the clarity regarding the child/children and their well-being.
  3. Consistency is most important. This is for you and the child/children. Be consistent with your schedule. If it is your weekend, holiday to have the child/children, don’t make an excuse as to why you can’t get them {unless it truly is legitimate}. Be consistent with your feelings for and about your child/children. Reinforce positive behaviour, express your love for them not through material possessions, but through acts {ie: hugs, their favourite meal, sporting event} just simply be consistent with time spent with them. You should never have to ‘buy’ your child/children’s love. Be consistent in your praise for them.

When the non-custodial parent wages all out character assassination of you, via the child/children the last thing you do is play into it. If your child says “mommy, daddy said you don’t love me”, or “daddy, mommy said you don’t give her money for me”, in as a clear & concise way {and age appropriate} explain to the child/children the reason{s} why those statements are not true. Keep in mind, do not name call, bad mouth, mud sling the other parent. Your child/children are probably already getting enough negative from the aligned parent.  How you react to the character assassination of you will be a piece of your child/children’s mental and emotional foundation. I am not saying by ‘sugar coating’ what is happening is the right thing to do, however not being verbally abusive like the other parent is the right thing to do. The child/children did not ask to be born to the union you had with the other parent. At one time they are exactly what you wanted. You will find that you are having to constantly undo negative words and actions from the other parent, and this should be done without negativity on your part.

*note, i welcome any and all feedback on this very serious, and all to common issue with Sociopath parent(s). By adding your comments you may be able to help other parent’s in your similar situation.

©SociopathLife.com

15 Responses to “The Pawns”

  1. Chris

    In response to Camilia,…

    Oh Lord, I will pray for you…..I know EXACTLY where you are right now, mentally, I could feel the words you wrote. Oh man…..keep reading, reading will help you understand, …..while all targets of the personality disordered have many variables of which the may have to deal with……having a co parent that has manipulated the system from the word go is truly a challenge. Like successfully dealing with the negative fallout from narcissistic / sociopathic abuse, the co parent issue can be navigated….lots of learned insight and healing to do before crossing that bridge. You have to take care of numero uno, first and foremost. You need to take care of you….keep reading….lots of great insight and advice that somehow resonate with all of us on one level or another

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  2. Camilla Blasi

    I am, unfortunately, dealing with this Very situation! The problem is my NSP someday to be ex, yes, we’ve been separated 4 1/2 years and are still not divorced!? I kicked him out after a few final straws broke my back…mocking me as I was grieving my fathers death, had to be the last straw!! But, he’s a “respected” attorney locally!? It’s a nightmare!! A living nightmare. He has had custody of my girls, and been able to through the courts, for over a year now. All because I’m crazy, of course!!? Any thoughts or ideas out there???

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  3. Chris

    Questions: Can you please do a write up on co dependency. Anyone who makes it to the end, please comment. Am I complaining, blaming, whining???? On my way to getting out from under this landslide/mudslide/avalanche that was my life.. .that is now an unmitigated disaster.

    While forgetting to look out for number 1, I, unceremoniously stepped in number 2..
    the rest is a blur.

    Being here (this site) is a good thing…born out of a not so good thing…. If you’re here, you have stumbled upon a path that can lead you out of the fog…a path offering support and knowledge and, more importantly, can begin to give you the ever so elusive answers to the mounting questions to wtf happened….knowledge, read, read, read….this site is a treasure trove of information that can help put the pieces together. Also, you’re here because of your involvement with the personality disordered. Not a pleasant thing…..while our stories are unique to ourselves and the degree of shit we’re in vary….the story lines are the same. All the vocabulary and their definitions are pertinent. While our association with our narcissistic, sociopathic, evil sons of bitches is negative experience…..its part of us, part of who we are…. Dealing with the fallout a relationship with one of these entities brings is difficult as it is…the A # 1 tool to deal with our situation is knowledge…..the A # 1 action (I think) is No-Contact…. When some of us are in the unenviable situation of co-parenting we will never be able to achieve true no-contact. Another skill set has to be learned and employed….us co-parents find ourselves having to continue schooling on the subject in pursuit of a masters or doctorate in the phenomenon of personality disorders, which continues to fly under the public radar….i remember when the unraveling began, discard & devalue phase and all that follows was in full effect, seemingly outta the blue (I was expertly conditioned over 16 yrs, with 4 & 5 yr old children)…..I unwittingly knew I needed time & distance to sort through the implosion of my world….two things I never did get or will get (only through well defined boundaries)…..my sociopathic narcissist was a lot like Saddam Hussein….a destabilizing force- wreaking havoc every which way from center. When confronted with one of life’s curveballs in the dirt, defining troubling issues, gives us an opportunity to profound personal growth and enlightenment….for me its about 3 years and all us easier said than done. Spiritually broke, emotionally bankrupt, put through the ringer mentally, physically a mess and financially devastated…..past devastated…its so bad…you gotta laugh..problems upon problems….. Having a hard time letting go of animosity for some of the damage that wont go away courtesy of the lies & deceit that authored the smear campaign……a couple of temporary injunctions stemming from petitions for protection from domestic violence….petitions that 1) were voluntarily dismissed, and 2) didn’t have any claims of physical violence or threat of physical violence…..but being a respondent to the petition against protection from domestic violence is like a compound fracture of the femur that wasn’t set correctly, had difficulty healing and left you with a serious limp for the rest of your life….those allegations, both baseless and unfounded, can never be sealed or expunged. Passing a background check for a community with an HOA…not likely. Say goodbye to volunteering for the school board and volunteering as a coach for city rec leagues. these last two hit home in a big way. It impedes my involvement with our children. I can be a muster reader in the kids’ classes….i missed out on kindergarden, 1st, 2nd & 3rd grades combined. Before, I was a fixture in preschool, pre k, and 1st grade for our oldest….its not like I’m blowing hot air…it hurts..I wanna be involved. Combined, the children are involved in lots of sports, baseball, softball, soccer X2, football, lacrosse, gymnastics, hockey….I’ll never be more than a spectator….field day in elementary school, chaperone a field trip….being involved from the inside will never happen…..high school football coaching is over before it started….coaching is in my blood….I have a lot to offer in many ways and the outlook is bleak…there aren’t any arrests or convictions…..and given the right amount of $$$ an attorney can most likely stop these public records from allowing me to pass simple background checks……..rambling on and venting…..I just read the articles about the top 6-10 things unhappy and happy individuals do daily….it helps give perspective. Be thankful for the time I get with kids as opposed to dwelling on stuff I’m missing out on….Its tough, but I know I cant hold on to the anger from the consequences of those petitions for protection from dom violence……..bitch got me good with those (in addition to having my 2nd amendment constitutional rights suspended)……more importantly it negatively affects our children for life. Limiting how their dad can be involved in their lives is a despicable move. I’m guilty of letting my problems be bigger than me and have been on a slippery slope for too long….

    There are two common denominators in the problems im facing. Me, and the fallout of being in a relationship with the personality disordered. Being in and leaving a relationship with a narcissistic sociopath has lots of challenges and pitfalls, even more so as a co-parent….the destruction of me is so thorough I barely know who I am….i dont recognize myself…im lost… I’ve let my troubles define me and in the process have been my own worse enemy…..mea culpa, mea culpa, mea fucking culpa- im guilty of not taking care of me. Forgot to take care of numero uno….all the while every aspect of myself is lost or buried. Despite the disappointment I cant go into my kids’ classrooms or be involved in any little league / city rec leagues, because I cant pass the school board or local background checks, my relationship with our two children has blossomed. I sensed the attack on our relationship early on by way of parental alienation. Parental alienation syndrome is a symptom of the problems caused by ‘HAP’ Hostile Aggressive Parenting…. I’m self employed, which is a double edged sword….while my world was going to shit, I didn’t have the luxury of going through the motions at work and earning a salary or paycheck….earnings were non existent over the last 3 years….(when focused, I have ability to earn very good $$)…maybe I’m rationalizing- probably so, but I put all the effort necessary and some battling the parent alienation bullshit. It was an energy drain and took vigilance, consistency and a determination to not let it happen. Not only were the efforts thwarted, but our relationship is as solid as any dad’s could be / should be with his children. I might’ve let my financial, emotional, spiritual, mental and physical health go virtually unattended and down the drain….rationalization or not, while I made too many mistakes, I did do one thing right. My kids, w/o any shadows of doubt, know who I am, where I am, how much I love ’em, how committed I am to being involved in their lives EVERYDAY…it was a massive struggle to have access….she suggested I dont go to a soccer practice on a Tuesday because its not my day….I show up at everything everytime. Taking the stance sometimes its best to ask for forgiveness as opposed to permission. I unofficially volunteer in the mornings at the school car loop drop off lines on mornings I dont host kids. Call every night (the shit I go through for phone access- she knows its a sore spot that makes me irrational..never concerning herself with the negative affect on kids by denying access)…..over 3 year period, splitting hosting 50/50…she rarely calls them and doesn’t show up to games sometimes. Some of the silly…err… not so silly hassles we’ve been through for shin guards, basketball jerseys, backpacks….you name it..almost always something that is avoidable yet become akin to a root canal. Did I mention im an angel, nearly perfect. Just kidding….im doing a lot of complaining and finger pointing while its my life that is seemingly circling the drain….which brings me to my conclusion / question…. I most definitely have boundary issues. Especially when it involves kids and / or my time and effort. I bend over backwards when it comes to kids, dropping off / picking up / doing just about anything on days im not hosting. Taking advantage of my flexibility of working from home…err..not working..allegedly. My lack of firm boundaries has been a detriment. Boundaries, or lack of, have been manipulated easily by her….I know I play major role in allowing her to erode those boundaries at every turn. When I attempt to define boundaries my effort is usually met with surprising resistance including, but hardly limited to threats and posturing in attempts to establish control and whimsical manipulation. The first 2 years (heck, even before we separated) I was too easily distracted and thrown off track….losing focus and unable to recover after a subtle poke in the ribs or not so subtle manipulations in use of my time and effort. When my time and effort wasn’t being controlled / manipulated I allowed myself to be distracted emotionally and mentally. I allowed myself to be sabotaged. In all fairness I was conditioned over 16 years and when discard / devalue phase was I acted it was too late. She played me like a fiddle. And I’m a big dumb animal, just kept coming, was never able to slow down, take a step back, get perspective, composure or…..hell, I was in denial. If I woulda stopped I would have been forced to read the writing on the wall…wasn’t willing to. You see that writing, you know better…not willing to read between the lines and comprehend what is happening. You see what you want to see and you hear want you want to hear. In other words….you’re in denial. I’m guilty of letting my time and effort get controlled and manipulated. I’m guilty of having poor personal boundaries (this boundary problem continues)…..she can no longer throw me off course like before. I was so easily distracted. Finally, to my question / request…… Co dependency….. I believe I’ve displayed characteristics of co dependency…..i tried to find a local support group with no luck…..it seems to be a lot like AA programs with 12 steps…….. I feel so stupid because a lot of my troubles, if not all, have financial roots. They’d be a lot easier to deal with or wouldn’t exist had I just took care of earning. In my defense, rationalization city…..; hosting 4 & 5 then 5&6…6&7…. 2 different schools, 2’different start times, 2 different dismissal times…..i remember at beginning that problem solving was easy…identify problem, identify solution and execute…..i use the word ‘sabotage’ because she would inhibit solutions and prop up imaginary obstacles and place very real road blocks to any solutions…….setting the stage, final doses of conditioning and I was an easy fiddle to play. Big dopey animal. Used my emotions against me. Mea absolutely culpa…. Let my emotions drive my actions….it probably wasn’t even challenging. No wonder the discard and devalue phase was so abrupt and thorough. I’m also guilty of believing we had a bond in marriage and a bond in parenthood that the dismantling of the family unit was not in danger…….my naivety was furthered along by being stonewalled and strung along….’we’ll talk later’, ‘we’ll talk tomorrow’, ‘I’ll call you back’, ‘my phone is dying’, ‘I have bad reception’, ‘we’ll talk Friday’…..on 3 separate occasions during our ‘separation’ to work on our marriage we mutually agreed we wouldn’t date other ppl (why would we?? There were no identified issues)…..i was thinking old school- to blow up a family there needs to be a reason. And not without putting in proper effort to not let it happen. I wasn’t naive, i was dumb. I never thought it would happen. Then the deception. The deceit, the lies. The refusal to communicate or cooperate. “you’re seeing someone”…”no, I’m not”….”who is it? Just fess up and lets move on with our lives”…..”tell me, it makes the break easier to confirm suspicion, why lie about it? Is it someone i know? Someone who knows me?”………never admitted to it…fucking joke…..what led to first affidavit for protection against DV was me promising to find out….”either fess up, or i will find out” I reminded her the former head of the CIA couldn’t hide his affair. I will find out. …….so, to stop me from exposing her elicit, deceitful relationship….she gets this temp affidavit for protection against domestic violence on the strength of her having anguish over my promise to find out the truth. It was voluntarily dismissed. Damage done. Retained lawyer, got ripped off, didn’t see kids for a week….. 2nd affidavit for protection against dom violence came 3 months later. Relatively quiet period disrupted by her giving her old iphone to use as an itouch for games and apps…to our 6yr old daughter…. Because phone contact was an issue…..i told our daughter we could put google phone app on the device and she could use it to make/receive phone calls. At the end of a 5 day hosting tour, Sunday night…school the next day…kids asleep, i pick up the phone to install the app,…cant find google button on phone, so i do a ‘spotlight search’ on device….and voíla…all these 1000’s of inflammatory texts, sexting, pictures…..months of deceit, lying, infidelity (still married)……apparently, I’m not allowed to get upset at this info….this dirty bomb, brought into my home, by our daughter….revealing her illicit affairs and lies and deceit…all the while ignoring me, stringing me along….she parlayed my reaction into her 2nd affidavit for protection. My initial reaction was to get her on the phone and ask her to make their lunches and please come take them to school in morn. I need time. Big time. I cant digest this. I’m wrecked. I was wrecked. But calm. She refused. Told me it was my responsibility…….i cracked. Reacted badly. Lots of yelling. Cursing and texts over next few days. As i went through the phone torturing myself i would call and text and yell and curse…….. The whole fucking thing was maliciously staged to hurt me. For starters its easy enough to erase phone. She only deleted stuff, didn’t erase it…..fine, if your thinking she might not have been savvy enough to erase messages… Well, she could have put the fire out before it started and remotely locked and or erased device. she was after pain and torture and banking on my negative reaction to take advantage of. Point her…… This is why i will never read a book in our kids’ classes again??????? This is why i will never coach????????? its been all downhill since.
    . Easier said than done. While ensuring heartbreak and personal turmoil…..learning to be single dad to two little kids (not w/ a co-parent, but with a skilled, evil, malicious adversary) not yet identified by yours truly as an enemy combatant…..still thought it was the same girl i married…….having poor personal boundaries allowing myself to be manipulated and controlled, being an emotions wreck…….entrenched in a “over my dead body” battle against the effects of parent alienation syndrome….
    . being depressed, feeling sorry for myself, not being able to manage my time (thanks to my puppeteer) prone to anger and emotional outbursts.. .. Work suffered….i know at the end of the day, its my responsibility and no one else’s. We’re divorced now 1.5 years after 1.5 years VERY TUMULTUOUS HIGH CONFLICT separation. Our marriage wasn’t high conflict. Let me tell you, separation with a narcissistic sociopath with nefarious intentions is not a a day the beach. Only in hindsight can I realize this. Because of lack of earning i have these silly fucking financial albatross. Behind on chip support. Irs liens. Drivers license and car registration suspended because of child support delinquency. Stalled divorce for year and a half….went to court and judges chambers doz or so times….ran outta $$$, sued by one lawyer, sued by mediator, bunches of other debts that i can protect myself from in one chpt or another of bankruptcy laws…..that costs a pretty penny to do….but lots, lots, lots of other debts i must repay. Family and friend cash loans…. Got evicted paying for divorce lawyers….it was all the senseless trips to courthouse…..while I’m not at my best earning wise- right, wrong or indifferent- she never submitted court ordered financial affidavit….while, out of shame, i submitted earning numbers to reflect actually working…..she, a college grad and holder of professional licenses (real estate) used minimum wage as her income. Had free lawyer too- never had skin in the game- i saw her tax return it was more than 3X the number child support is calculated with. Basically, i get buried on a daily basis. It will take considerable $$$ fighting that battle. In the mean time i cant drive…..fuck it……just venting. I’m really in better shape than ever mentally because now i know why. Better understanding of what I’m dealing with. When i didn’t know any better, that was tough…..

    . While we were separated and divorcing, i wanted /
    needed / demanded answers. Acknowledgement / closure. Didn’t
    the why, didn’t understand the infliction of hurt and pain and sabotage…..we both have to parent these kids…..why cut one of us off at the knees and bury him in problems and debt? Shit, if you wanna collect a fictional chip support payment inflated by manipulations and flat out lies (easily proved), isn’t it counterintuitive to do so? Not if all you’re really concerned with is exerting power and control, it isn’t.
    I dont blame her for my current problems. I know I am my own worse enemy. I do hold her accountable for her deceit, her lies and the pain / hurt she inflicted. She’s culpable for the damages her actions have caused. I’m angry with the lifelong implications her indiscretions…..no fuck that…not indiscretions…her nefarious, malicious actions and their consequences have on my ability to participate in our kids’ lives. Moreover, I take extreme umbrage the negative effects her MO has had, and continues to have on our kids’ lives. I’m gonna make it back. It ain’t easy, but, then again, it ain’t supposed to be.
    The financial stuff is plain silly at this point. I can make money, I just can’t have any. Luckily, I live with family and will never be ‘homeless’ or ‘starving’…….
    I truly understand these song lyrics…. Tennessee Ernie Ford, 16 Tons…..”16’Tons and what do you get? Another day older and deeper in debt…..Saint Peter, don’t you come-cause I can’t go, I owe my soul to the company store”…..

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  4. Jody

    This is the one thing I never noticed her doing to her kids with her ex. He was crazy and everything wrong with her was his fault and she talked bad about him in front of her kids. But she never kept them from activities with their dad. He actually did most of that crap. I’m wondering if a sociopath met another one in that relationship. He even told their kids they were not allowed to like or be friends with my kids because their mom and I were a couple. Her kid said that to us one night during dinner. Those two were on and off for 14 years. She got restraining orders against him and all that fun stuff. She yells at her kids a lot and makes a lot of empty threats but she genuinely seems to love her kids. So that’s the only area I don’t see too many sociopathic tendencies. Those were mainly directed towards the kids dad and I.

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  5. Daisy

    Thank you for your site. I am learning a lot about Sociopaths…. Long story short, my story is a lot like yours… I met the SOCIO when I first moved into town,I thought he was nice and funny, but not someone I would date seriously. Our friendship became closer and he was always around helping with my children and getting settle into my new place…. He wanted to get serious but I knew he wasnt the man for me… I expresssed my thoughts and feelings and he did not like it… First he insulted me, then he would beg, finally he cried and gave me a friendship ring…. Hard to explain but I felt like he forced me into the relationship. After guilting me into the relationship shortly after I became pregnant. I didnt want to keep it and he got upset again he insulted me, begged, cried, and made all these promises that he was going to be the man of my dreams and to trust him… My silly ass felt sorry for him and I felt guilty for not wanting to not keep the baby…. He left after a huge argument about something so minimal… My baby was only 2months old… He blocked me from all communication and told me I had 30days to get my mind right… During this time he was picking up the baby and taking care of his portion of the bills (all the bills were past due)… He would pick baby but wouldnt communicate with me at all and look at me like I was discusting to him… Anytime I tried to talk and try to work it things out or just get closure, he would just insult me and blame the break up on me (im crazy, insecure, postpartum depression)…. My anxiety and depression got really bad that my parents moved in with me to help me with my newborn and other children…He hasnt call to see the baby or even ask about him… He is however still depositing money into my account and paying my car insurance and cell phone but he wants nothing to do with me and he still acting like he is the victim… I dont get it?? Why???

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    • Tela

      Daisy, why are you allowing him to deposit money into your account? Don’t you realize that by allowing him to do that he is maintaining control over you????? Did you read my response on your comment under No Contact? Please email me: TaelaHill@mail.com

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      • Daisy

        I didnt know that is why he is doing it… we have a child together so I figured he just contributing to his child

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      • Human

        Allowing him to deposit money in your account is good. He owes you for child support. Any sense of guilt it causes you is irrational and makes you susceptible to manipulation, which you already know he is skilled at. Forget his needs and desires and focus on the best interests of yourself and your children. You owe him nothing in return.

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  6. Lara

    I would love more information if possible for children. We recently obtained primary physical custody of my two stepsons but my stepdaughter was left with her sociopathic mother, we have yet to understand why, although she did an amazing job of depicting in court how my stepdaughter was “thriving”. The harassment has already started on our family and we don’t even have a visitation order yet. My husband gets 5-10 emails a day. She wants information on every piece of their day stating its her “right” as their mother, calls incessantly, makes ridiculous demands, and this is only week 5! Any articles, further research on Female Sociopaths, parenting with one? Im scouring the internet and have found this blog most informative.

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    • Tela

      Hi Lara, thank you for your comment. My first suggestion would be for both you and your husband to put BOUNDARIES in place regarding the mother. This means, if he receives the 5-10 emails, he simply deletes them and does not respond {unless the court orders him to reply to excessive emails, which I doubt they did}. Second, the excessive calls. Is she calling the children’s own phones? Or you and your husband? I suggest you {your husband} send ONE email outlining when calls from her to the children will be accepted {give a time frame that works for YOU~ not her}. And then you all will need to stick to those 2 boundaries….he no longer responds to emails, and you no longer accept excessive calls. period. As far as the ‘demands’, she can ‘demand’ all she wants, but if it is not in the custodial papers {or in the best interest of the children}, there is no reason to even listen to or read ‘demands’ from her. You and the husband need these boundaries in place. Stick with them, and please…..do not talk bad about the mother in front of the children {even though I’m sure at times it is very difficult}. As long as you have the boundaries in place, she will then try other tactics {so be prepared}. But you must remain in control as you do have primary custody. Email me if you have any other questions. Telahill1@gmail.com

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