A Healing & Informative Site About Narcissistic Sociopaths

Sociopath Back-Slide

I have always said the first and only way to start healing from the Sociopath is No Contact.  I also understand how difficult that is!!! 

When the no contact is broke, either by you, or the Sociopath, that is back-sliding. And it happens! More often than not however, after the each contact you have, it get’s worse and worse for you. More hurtful & hateful words are said. Then followed up with the “I Love You Forever” back to the verbal and emotional abuse.

Why is it so hard to stick with no contact? For those of us who are not Narcissistic Sociopaths, things have to make sense. A relationship with a Sociopath is a puzzle. There are no rounded corners. Every bit of their core being is jagged. Therefore, the ‘puzzle’ never comes together, there are no rounded edges to start with to fill in the rest of the puzzle. And that is why the no contact is so hard. You want/need to understand what happened. You need closure. You simply need to have your peace of mind back that they took from you. So you think ‘if I send them a text will they respond’…..& they do. And the conversation goes okay, until the Sociopaths true self comes back out. So now you back-slid and have to start at square one again.

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Or you have consuming thoughts day in and day out of them. You miss the Sociopath terribly. You find that you just can’t handle it so you send a text or email. Back-Slide. You just need that fix’  so you reach out to them. But that fix will be short lived and in all reality cause even more Confusion and Chaos.  So how do you fix that fix? Keep reminding yourself of why you are no longer together. Keep reminding yourself of the HELL you {and children} went through. Keep reminding yourself that at the end of the day the Sociopath really did not give a shit about you. Empty promises, hollow words, shallow actions etc etc etc. When you have that overwhelming need to contact the Ex. STOP! And ask yourself this question “what is the outcome I want from contacting the Ex? And what really will be the outcome?” 

“There are certain truths that occurs to us, which we cannot convey in words, but requires a personal experience to grasp more vividly.”          michael johnson

©SociopathLife.Com

31 Responses to “Sociopath Back-Slide”

  1. rao

    hello,what a wondrful info i found on the page.really helping me in healing process.i m going through the same trauma as i had a divorce last week with a sociopath its been just 2 months for our marriage and she suddenly left me for no big reason and even aborted the child.i invested so much in her emotioally,physically,and financially. but all of my efforts went in vain.she ditched me mercilesssly.now i m just craving to see her,hear but could not .i m just continuing no contact policy.no contact from her side as well.
    she uploaded her pix occasionaly on fb.
    need help…

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  2. Chimera

    I wanted to take the time to thank you, Tela, for this site and to thank all of those brave enough to share their agony. You have all helped me immeasurably.
    The nickname I have chosen is the word I use to describe my marriage to a Covert Narcissist. I also use it to describe the ‘person’ himself.
    I will not share my story at this stage. Suffice to say I became involved with this creature 31 years ago. I adopted the No Contact approach 8 months ago and it is true: it put power back into my hands. He knows this and his fury is palpable in his emails. I will read them until he shows his hand. Everything is currently between the lines – his charming exterior is crucial to how he operates.
    But I have a tip for those struggling with cutting contact. Buy a spiral-bound notepad. In the front, each night, list 3 good things from your day. Doesn’t matter how small. Take as much or as little time as you like. At the back, you will start a log. Write down everything, as it occurs to you, that s/he did or said that caused you pain. Date each entry.

    Then, when you are tempted to break your no contact rule, read the entries on your tormentor. Then read the good things section.
    If I have learned anything it is that I had a selective memory when it came to my nemesis. The log sorted that.
    And I am one happy bunny.

    Love and strength to you all.

    Liked by 1 person

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  3. innovandrew

    Everyone! Please understand No Contact requires action PRIOR.

    You won’t ever be able to resist. EVEN IF YOU DON’T REPLY, no contact fails if you read the communication.

    The point is to start healing. You will be harassed if you are CAPABLE of receiving communication.

    It is very simple. Call the phone company and demand they block numbers. If you must, change your number. Add emails to spam filters. Block block block!

    Get a restraining order. Take this seriously.

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  4. AlohaLover

    Hello,
    I spent the early morning sending out resumes and the following 6 plus hours going through boxes of things to move. For some of you who don’t know, my sociopath and I were to have moved out of my house and into a big house. Well, of course that fell through…thankfully. So all 60 boxes I had in storage came back to my house and I never went through them. Now I am moving out of state and I have to deal with boxes and packing and unpacking and repacking. The point of this is….in one of the boxes there were cards and pictures from our Vegas trip. I sorted through them and it made me so fucking sad and mad. So, I had a good cry and tossed everything out. Things are really tough for me money wise, job wise and emotionally. It sucks! But I am thankful for friends and family and this site where I can moan and groan and you will all understand.
    That’s all for now!

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    • AlohaLover

      Hello….
      I hope you all had a good day. It’s not easy, as I well know. I wanted to share a quote with you. Actually, I’ve run into a lot of quotes that see to speak to the ‘healing me’. This is one I just saw on a friends FB page:
      ” Just for the record darling, not all positive change feels positive in the beginning’ . ~ S.C. Lourie

      That is so true. You have to….ready….trust and it will happen.

      Keep strong.

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  5. iAMfree

    I have been doing NO CONTACT for 3 weeks until I had a weak moment yesterday. He sent me an email and text message as he had been worried about my silence. He also had a question — and so I gave in, what’s his question about?

    I received a long text message about the money he owes me to repair my car. A long explanation of how his Savings are running low, and he will pay me once he gets a new job. Although he mentioned that he felt bad for putting himself on the list of people who owe me money, I felt that he blames me for being laid back on my friends who borrow money from me. It is still my fault why he is not paying up.

    I told him I cannot do anything about his situation, and he can send the check to my address. I did say that “I already poured my heart and soul to the relationship for the past year and a half. Gave all the support to help adjust to Canada. The love did not grow. So please help me move on, by stopping all communication. I’m building my life again on my own.”

    The next day he replied, “I can’t stop because I like you as a person. I want to stay your friend for life. ”

    What do I do? I’m still obsessing about this last text message. I hate that I was placed in the friend zone, and yet a part of me is wants to settle for this offer..

    Help!

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    • iAMfree

      Major backslide.
      He called me yesterday, told me about a serious issue. So I BROKE the no-contact-rule, and talked to him over the phone. He told me about his decision to move back to the US, and leave Canada for good. I felt guilty during that talk, and offered him a place yo stay in until he moves back to the US next weekend.

      I invited him to go shop for my groceries for the week (a Sunday ritual for us). Had him for dinner, where he cooked my favourite meal (which I highly suspect to have some voodoo spices with it). There was comfort in having him again, doing what we used to do, BUT THERE WAS A HEAVY KNOT IN MY HEART all night. It was literally my gut telling me to RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY from the Psycho! As we talked throughout the night, the stories that he’s been telling me do not match at all. I like the thought of having him, and yet the knot in my gut never went away. However, in the end I OFFERED HIM TO MOVE BACK WITH ME SO I CAN SUPPORT HIM UNTIL HE FINISHES HIS CLASSES IN 3 MORE MONTHS. He said he’ll think about it, and he went home and did not sleep in my place.

      I slept with this knot in my chest/gut, with and an invisible hand choking my neck. I felt like I was in a trance again, and I couldn’t believe that I fell for his trap so easily. While I was sleeping, I turned on my favourite podcast from a pastor in Texas (Joel Osteen) as it always puts me back into focus, reminding me of God’s love and mercy.

      I woke up at 2 in the morning, and realized I can still get out of the situation.

      So I texted my friend “Help”, and she called me right away. I told her what happened last night, and she reminded me of the reality that this man is just manipulating me, reminded me of the HELL that I went through breaking up with him. I should take a vacation, and get away from him. STOP ALL COMMUNICATION AND NEVER LET HIM IN MY LIFE AGAIN.

      As I was talking to my friend, the ex-BF texted me saying that he made a decision to stay in Canada and finish his classes. He would like to meet up with me today.

      I told him, I was at work and I made a decision too, that I cannot have him in my life anymore. I’m happy being on my own.

      He replied, ” I accept and respect your decision. I am happy with a mutual encouragement and support. I am not expecting that you take me back. Have a nice day. ”

      Each and every time I try to tell myself, maybe he’s not a sociopath after all. And yet I end up in this website.

      I backslided.
      He’s HOOVERING back.

      I’m doing my best to run away from him…

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      • AlohaLover

        I’m backsliding too. Still no contact but April 22, 2014 was the day my world fell apart and May 12, 2012 was the day my world fell apart, that was the day I met him. I have so many emotions …miss him….hate him….want him….kill him…..and so on. I thought I was doing good but I slid…..I guess I can. FUCK, WHY CAN’T ANYTHING BAD HAPPEN TO HIM.

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    • Alicia

      It will be a year this Tuesdat that I moved across country from my ex soc. And I must say at least every two months I recieved the same old tired text message chain of how much he loves me and misses me and blah blah blah. But it always references he as well he misses our friendship most! Sociopaths are liars and after 4 years and 1 baby later of dealing with his lies and manipulation. I understand a sociopath will stop at nothing to keep you in there world of chaos. No contact is a requirement so do not respond to them. The message stroke your ego and make you feel like maybe they really cared but let’s be honest you know they DONT!! Change your number, change your email, if you have a child together give him a friends number so if he has questions about the child then he can contact them who can then communicate with you.

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  6. Rocky

    i read this and tears are streaming diwn my face…my heart so broken ….i loved him so much and he discarded me for OW after beating the crap out of me & i cried and begged him not to leave me whe he got out of jail!!! I am an idiot!!! I did NC for 3 1/2 months …he hooverd & i fell for it….this time
    hurts EVEN worse than last…im sitting in airport getting ready to go on amazing vacation to Bahamas fo 10 days & im crying my
    eyes out missing him??!!! This is insanity I feel lost desperate & sick
    at the thought of him loving OW ….whats wrong with me im going crazy ….i am in NC again for 2 weeks now…,but i HATE that I resoonded & he did classic move he ignored me FUCK!!! Im kicking myself & praying to GOD he hoovers again so I can ignore him…,,stupid right? But i would feel i had regained some spec of self respect again….im so low ….

    Liked by 1 person

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    • notme2014

      My heart breaks for you…I know that feeling all too well…
      Be strong, stay no contact, hold your head up, have a wonderful vacation…and know you deserve sooooo much more. Love and light!

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  7. Dale M.

    Yes, I’m guilty as charged. It was a year ago that my ex, after our divorce 6 years earlier called me. This was after she had battle with breast cancer, & told me that I was on her mind all the time. I’m such a sucker! I had lost my high school sweetheart, wife of 17 yr’s & mother of my only children, from cancer in January of 1997. So I knew of the toll cancer can take, & set your world on it’s head. So I closed my eyes, & walked head long into the jaws of the beast. Cautiously I began to listen, & shortly there after began to comfortable. BUT, as I expected she jumped time in about 2 months. Here we go! Same old game of SECRCETS, SEX & LIES of no shame. Other guys, old boyfriends, new boyfriends, same twisted false accutions, of I have no clue.
    It mattered not, I could read her like book with bold print. That’s when I started to read websites about liars, and quickly gained the understanding I needed TO GET IT. And IT all made sense to me with 1 word SOCIOPATH! On a Sunday morning I typed up a break up text (while she was in church) yes, that’s right church! (Bitch be sick!) Anyway I told her of my new found knowledge of compulsive sociopathic lairs, & the TRUTH. No hateful remarks, no cuss words. Nothing but the whole truth. & May God help you….
    She tried to call right after church. I let it ring. Haven’t talked to her in 10 months, & have no intention to. NO CONTACT is the best & only
    thing to do for yourself. These people can’t change, & they will never care about no one but themselves.

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  8. april

    I just want to say that I’m so blessed to have found this website! It has helped me heal and keep me strong through my own little hell with my ex!! Such a painful journey right now, but all of you have made me feel a sense of peace and understanding!
    Thank you! And God bless all of you, we can be strong together!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • Tela

      Thank you April! And welcome to my website. You will find a lot of support here, helpful articles, and help along your journey from HELL.

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  9. notme2014

    I just saw this post… And I cried reading it. It is so true..we believe WE are the one with the problem…our head SCREAMS stay away, but our heart aches to see them. Never in my life has my head and heart been so far apart. I read your blog constantly to keep reminding myself of the horrific treatment..the devastating heartbreak . the unspeakable cruelty. We have fallen in love with an illusion….a lie. Trying to be “friends” won’t work…guarding your heart doesn’t work…truly NO CONTACT is the only way to start the healing process. Tela, you have taught me so much, but WE HAVE TO DO IT OURSELVES. For our own peace, our own life, our own sanity!!!! It is very difficult, but it is possible ..it has to be! I think the reason we question ourselves, and wonder if WE are the problem is because it is so multi-layered…we loved something (not someone), that didn’t exist, we feel sorry for them because they are so broken… We want to love, nurture and fix. WE CAN’T… EVER!!. Keep reading this site relieved… and stay strong…you are not alone. Love to all of you!

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    • relieveditsover

      I can’t believe reading these posts I’m in exactly the same situation 5 months down the track! I lasted no contact for 3 months 😦 but he got back in only to have another spectacular “break up” where I’m left feeling like the bad guy! Hating myself for making him
      Mad at me.. Again – he just sent me an email explaining why he needs to be “no contact” with me because I’m so bad for him and he needs to stay away from me for his own sanity ? I can’t believe I’m here AGAIN 😦

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      • notme2014

        They do have an uncanny ability to turn their shit around. Him telling you he needs no contact… Those are YOUR words….YOUR thoughts. It is sooooo typical for them to dump their problems onto us and in our vulnerable state…its confusing. Please be strong…you can do this!!! Stay away… Keep busy…paint your house…..SOMETHING!!!! :). Read this site and keep reminding yourself that he will NEVER change. The fleeting moments of closeness only leads to more heartbreak. I feel your pain….stay strong…love and light.

        Liked by 1 person

      • isabel

        Hi relieveditsover, I am so sorry that you went back and he sent you that email. It will hurt more now because you chose to go back and all of a sudden he decides that no contact is what he wants.

        Firstly, don’t punish yourself. I found this website after going back continuously for 2 years. Had I seen this earlier I think I would have had the strength.

        I will tell you what I have learnt and I don’t mean to have a go because I am not. I just want to explain why I went back and it was only partly because of him but mostly me. All of us here need to take a look at ourselves and why we tolerate thus behaviour. We are weak, low self esteem, co-dependants who rely on ‘him’ for our happiness. We may have been like this all our lives or constant abuse from ‘him’ as made us this way. It was hard to hear this from my own counsellor but it’s the truth. I was not strong enough to walk away because I thought without him I couldn’t possibly be happy. I haven’t recovered yet but since it ended I don’t have to deal with guessing what mood he is in. Being upbeat only for him to bring me down. I don’t have to hide which male friends I speak to. Sure I miss him. I miss the good times we shared. I am far from over it. I got a similar email to you 1 week after he begged for me to come back and he was the most in love he’d ever been. He knew my patience was running low and I truly believe he got me back so he could end it himself in a pure nasty fashion which he did. The email I received was vile. Horrible projection of everything he is and hates about himself. I hate that he said those things to me a week after having me in his bed. It is about control with these people. All I can suggest is not to reply and NEVER go back. It’s not easy. I am 10 months down the line still crying but I also have good days. You will get there too.

        Trust me on this one cos I was in your exact same position.

        Take care and maybe get some counselling as I did. I am no longer the people pleaser I was.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Tela

        Hi RelievedItsOver~ first off, don’t hate yourself because you feel in love with an evil illusion of a man who ‘wants’ to be someone he never will be. Fantastic you went 3 months of no contact, I know how terribly hard that was. You did it, and you CAN do it again~ permanently. This latest break-up was on his terms, which will now make it that much harder to move forward. He took the control from you. Read his words, he states you are so bad for him………well, exactly, you are bad for him as you give and give and give until you have no more give! I strongly suggest you block his email, you don’t need to read anymore of his rhetoric words {your words}. Yes, you are starting from day one, but you have already proven to yourself you can and you will get through the hours and the day’s of emotional abandonment. You have my email, reach out! We all support you.

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    • Tela

      Shelly, you have the control!!! Hang on to it! Read! Keep your mind busy….but stop yourself from back-sliding. I KNOW how difficult it is! I truly do! Hang in there!! ❤

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  10. Isabel

    I left a post with my situation. Can anyone give me some advise please. I feel so low and cannot pick myself up.

    Thanks

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    • Tela

      Hello Isabel. I have your comment under No Contact and will approve it. I have read it, but want to re-read it to give you the best advice I possibly can. I know it’s HELL right now! Your whole world is upside down. Hang in there~ I will respond back! xo

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  11. relieveditsover

    I spent the night with the person I have spent the last couple of months trying desperately to move on from – he keeps the door a little bit open and every now and again he gets bored he sneaks back in to make sure I’m still there for him.. Which I always am .. we have quite open conversations about his screw ups and he takes delight in telling me about ALL the other women and how they were a mistake and none of them measure up to me .. I ask him why if they mean nothing does he cheat on me with them and throw me out like a piece of trash ? His response is just I don’t know just an idiot ? But I love you and I miss you .. I found my self relieved to see him then I had a glass of wine and let rip on him telling him
    All the ways he had hurt me and why I never want to see him again and why I think he’s a sociopath and I don’t want that in my life?? It’s so absurd .. He said “yet here you are ?” It’s so true why go so I can tell him how much I don’t want to spend time with him .. We ended up in bed and after he fell asleep I layed there in his arm crying uncontrollably for hours – I’m starting to think im the problem ? He is true to who he is .. He’s an arse he does what he wants when he wants and will never change I almost understand why he has no respect for me 😦 I tell him I hate him for breaking me then I sleep with him then I cry ? Who’s messed up ?? I feel now like I’m even more broken than before I feel like I’ve failed AGAIN at the no contact at being strong and believing in myself and I’m scared I’ll never get over this nightmare

    Liked by 1 person

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    • Tela

      relieveditsover, I know how difficult this has been for you. Keep in mind, that you are also leaving the door a little bit open. Meaning, when he calls/or text and you respond, he was able to get through ‘the door’. He is definitely taking delight in the pushing & pulling of you. Like he said ‘yet here you are’!!!! How did that make you feel? Sticking to No Contact will be one of the very hardest things you ever do in your life. YOUare NOT the problem. He has made you think that by his manipulation. The only problem you are, is by keeping that door a bit open. Slam it shut! You are worthy of far, far better. I know, easy words to read, but getting your heart & head on the same page is difficult. Just know, you truly can do it….if you need to send me an email, please do: TaelaHill@mail.com

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    • erin

      Your post brought tears to my eyes bc I can relate so much to what you said. But I see you posted in March, so I hope you’ve been successful at No Contact since then. I beat myself up daily bc I keep back sliding & finding myself getting hurt worse than before. Mine once told me I was a masochist. I had never been called that before so I looked up the word. Four years later & I’m starting to believe he’s right! Why do I leave the door open when I know how bad he’s hurt me, & what he’s capable of?!? I hate it that I gave this sicko my love, my attention, my time, my trust, my body… I hope you are safely free from him now. I hope to be safely free from mine one day soon too. Best regards,

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      • Tela

        Hello Erin. Thank you for your comment. Yes, I have maintained No Contact for a long time. My personal relationship ended in August of 2013. These articles I post {no matter the date} are to help people understand what they went through, what they will be going through, and the first and only step to truly healing is NO CONTACT. You ‘leave the door open’ for the simple fact that you want to believe he has changed! You want to believe all the lies words out of his mouth are the truth. You can do it! Believe in yourself!!!

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