A Healing & Informative Site About Narcissistic Sociopaths

Just Leave…..

How many times have you heard ‘why don’t you just leave’? ‘Why are you still talking to him/her’?

I have said it thousands of times, unless your friend or family member has first person experience with a Sociopath, they truly cannot understand why you simply ‘don’t just leave’. It is not that your support system, friends, family, do not care, they just do not get it. What do they not ‘get’? Lets start with just the very basics.

~emotional trauma. No one likes to ring up their best friend or family member and say ‘oh by the way, I am being emotionally abused and manipulated.’ However, YOU do not even know that is going on until it is to late. Already sucked into the dark, twisted, unbelievable life of a Narcissistic Sociopath. So how do you begin to explain, in a logical sense to someone the trauma you have endured, and may still continue to endure? There is no logical explanation.

~destroyed self-esteem. Your loved ones can tell you how wonderful you are, how fantastic your life will be without the Sociopath. Your friends may tell you ‘there are more people out there to date’. As if that is the first thing you want to hear after your self-esteem being nearly annihilated! How difficult it is to simply slap a happy face on and go about your day! When you feel your entire being has just come out of a paper shredder. There again, is no logical explanation that can help someone to understand. You, yourself cannot understand or accept why you let the Sociopath destroy your core. Please remember, it was not something you said/did/didn’t do, and the laundry list of other excuses and reason’s you may be giving yourself. The Sociopath knew, from moment one of meeting you, what the outcome of your relationship would be. And it would be a trip through pure HELL.

~mental manipulation. You are told the most horrific things about yourself that no one has ever said before. Something from the way you look, to how you hold a fork, to the way you wash your hair. And even deeper than that, is the subtle manipulation done. The Sociopath starts about  “oh my ex used to (_____)” which in turn, makes you feel like shit because there is a comparison going on. Not always in a positive way. So what do you do? You want to make sure this absolutely love of your life is never hurt again, and you do things you would not ordinarily do. Which leads into the mental manipulation being done. Silently.

~lies, lies and more lies. Most often when a friend or family member hears about the absurd   insane lies that you listened to regurgitating out of the Sociopaths mouth, they will question you ‘why didn’t you leave when you figured out they were lies?’….The first reason is, you had to become a detective!! In a sense, to begin to try and discern if what the Sociopath said was really a bold lie, a white lie, close but no to close to the truth, or just the usual Sociopaths ability to spin the most intricate lie. And then, how dare you question this grand lie they came up with. How do you explain that to someone? How do you explain that you spent the majority of the relationship being on the receiving end of lies, cruelty, becoming a detective, seeking out the truths? On a near daily basis?

~embarrassment. This is a big one! When you introduced the Sociopath to your inner circle, invited the devil into your den of family and friends-the charm factor was at full force. You, family, friends, co-workers, all thought ‘oh finally the perfect one’. Only for you to be methodically ripped apart, behind closed doors. If you became overwhelmed by the abuse, the embarrassment potentially set in, because everyone can see how horrific  wonderful the Sociopath is. So surely it must be me, right? Maybe I am the one with the problem, hell, maybe I am a Narcissistic Sociopath. And that is exactly what happens to you, that thought process that this is all my fault. NO! Absolutely not! You want to save-face and not expose what is really happening to you, because in all likely hood your head is reeling! Best not to embarrass yourself, right? WRONG, WRONG, WRONG! There is no embarrassment from escaping the clutches of manipulative, vile, mean, souless individual.

~Just Leave. When you have finally come to terms with what has or is happening to you, it will be time to Just Leave. All over my website you will read these words “you cannot fix the Sociopath. You cannot love the Sociopath enough. You can do NOTHING, ZERO to change them”. The only way to Just Leave, is to accept you did not fail, the Sociopath set you up for failure. And to stop the repeated abuse, manipulation, entrapment is to Leave. However you can. And most importantly, most important when you do this, you must, absolutely must go NO CONTACT

 

It’s not the people who change, its the mask fell off

©SociopathLife.Com

17 Responses to “Just Leave…..”

  1. damo

    we..i..have to get thease people away and out of our lives they are poison,poison,poison they will never ever ever love or care for us there like vampires monsters he thing hideing in the shadows…shadow people…i kow its not easy believe me i know but youve got to run away nothing good ever comes of being around thease horrors…run.

    Like

    Reply
  2. secretangel

    So true! And I totally agree with you. The best way to heal is NO contact. Wounds can’t heal when they are constantly being inflicted and infected. Thanks for sharing this. Too many just still do not understand.

    Like

    Reply
  3. stepha33

    The more time we spend with people, the more they literally become a part of us. In short, our identity is tied to the people we love. When those strands of connection becomes stretched or frayed by anger or pain, we fight to hold on, partly because we’re fighting to preserve a part of ourselves.

    I remember the time with the sociopath where self-blame came in handy for me, when the relationship no longer worked and leaving felt too painful. I convinced myself that someone being hurtful or insensitive of my own failings that there was still hope. All I had to do was improve. That if I was the problem, then the happiness of the relationship is entirely in my hands. It was I thought a solution that preserved hope at the expense of my self esteem.

    So once I realized that the relationship with the sociopath left me feeling neglected, alone, unworthy. I learned in therapy to do the following:

    Create healthy boundaries – if something hurts, it’s not my job to protect anyone who knowingly behaved badly. To share the disappointment in a vulnerable way. That it was my best chance of being heard. To stop faking it – leading people to think or believe that I’m happy when I’m not. The trick – if they can’t tolerate hearing that you’re hurt, they’re likely to go on hurting you.

    Check my self-blame at the door – When something upsetting happens between myself and anyone else, I was to mind my fear of losing them is bound to throw me back into self-blame. Instead of asking – What I done wrong, I now ask, Am I feeling disappointed? Am I afraid to say something?

    Don’t confuse empathy with responsibility – It’s ok to try to understand why someone is feeling upset, esp when they’ve hurt you. I’ve been accused of being cold and clinical by the sociopath. Again, that’s where the blame game came into play. I learned that you can always correct hurting others with a sincere apology. That it’s your partner’s responsibility how they react and handle by lashing out. We are not responsible for anyone’s actions but our own. That’s just another way of blaming yourself instead of feeling disappointed.

    Often when we fall victim to abuse, we tend to become chronic self-blamers who bury their disappointment because, in the past, voicing it might make things worse. For many people, the fallout from daring to tell family – that hurt my feelings – I’ve been there – grew up with an alcoholic father. Instead, I felt like a burden when I so much hinted at feeling unhappy, hurt or upset, so I resorted to sulking until I fell silent. It was easier for me to swallow my disappointment by taking his message to heart. That I was the problem. That I expected too much.

    The only way to liberate yourself from this kind of self-criticism is by confronting a feeling you’ve come to fear more than we realize : DISAPPOINTMENT.

    Again, another one of my lessons in therapy. It literally changed my life. That I have a right to remind myself – I have a right to my disappointments. That if I share my needs and feelings and it drives that person away. That I wouldn’t be happy in the relationship. Period. I recognized self-blame for what it was : a powerful fear that I’d lose love if I asked for what I want. It kept me stuck with the sociopath. someone who only wanted to bury my needs. I learned the only way to find out if they can give you more care or attention or empathy is to invite them to. And I couldn’t do that if I blamed myself for what was missing.

    The only way to liberate yourself from this kind of self-criticism is by confronting a feeling you’ve come to fear more than we realize : DISAPPOINTMENT.

    Enough with the fasle hope to find a way because the longer you live with that – the longer you’ll be trapped, the harder it’ll be to leave because your self-blame will pull you back.

    I learned that our identity is tied to the ones we love. When those strands of connection become stretched by anger or pain, we fight to hold on, because we’re fighting to preserve a part of ourselves. – This is why it’s hard to leave an abusive relationship – Narc/Socio or not.

    We have to remember to love ourselves first, that we identify only within, that we deserve what we want, need, everything we desire from a partner. We deserve our love, affection to be reciprocated genuinely. We deserve something real – because we are real.

    Even though it’s hard as hell – it is possible to get rid of these feelings and thoughts. It’s possible to escape the emotional and mental hell you’ve been put through. It takes a strong person and willpower to walk away from someone you love. Even if you feel you’re at your weakest, taking the first step will be a sign of strength, and the more steps you take, the stronger you’ll get.

    You can do this!! Walk Away. Go No Contact for life. In the long run- you’ll be better for it. And you’ll discover someone in the mirror you haven’t seen in a long time. The healthy version of you before the sociopath. Healthier and better version. 🙂

    Like

    Reply
  4. Gloria Anderson

    Everything you wrote is exactly on target.How do you know all of this ?I moved away from Sociopath two yrs 4 months ago .He still thinks I will return sent me flowers now twice and cards xmas gifts bday gifts ..but when,I lived 20 minutes from him for 10 yrs I never saw him maybe twice a month or when he needed money or sex .He was divorced two,kids and didnt care about anyone but himself.24/7 .His kids were not taken care if properly no coats in winter no rules no trainning no manners they were just like him and his wife low life white trash people with no conscious.They scammed many people out of money  myself  also ex wife parents,his parents for years till they all cut them off.He stole money from his,employer a city job and became a felon.Drove without a license was caught 4 times still has never paid off tickets or retained a license or auto insurance for over 13 yrs.never learns from his,mistakes he claims its a mental flaw he has and can’t help it.He lies to everyone on a daily bases has no intentions to get help or achieve a basic life style. Loves drama like a,child to get attention.He will never change because he DOESN’T believe he has  a problem..it’s always someone else that has the problem not him ..so I do talk to him still but he has many women to vent to and shares him bull shit stories to and charms them like a snake but I am 500 miles away and know now,he is just a person I use to know nothing more.I dont wait for his,call any longer or his,text or his phoney stupid stories or his,excuses of his life ..He is,the same person always looking to destroy his next victim..anyone that reads this believe me this,person can take your soul and never never give it back.. 

    Sent from Yahoo Mail on Android

    Like

    Reply
  5. glitterfluff

    But what other question is there? All the ‘outsiders’ are doing is asking the question we should be asking ourselves.Why do we stay with a person who abuses us? The question is uncomfortable because it makes us the Captain of our fate, and staying put can be so much more comfortable. I know the reason I didn’t ‘just’ leave, and it is not mentioned above. I LOVED HIM. But I left, because I eventually had to face the fact that a person who loved me wouldn’t beat shit out of me. I got there as a direct result of people asking me why I ‘didn’t just leave’. It was a touchstone that what I was experiencing wasn’t normal Thank God for people who ask ‘why don’t you just leave?’xx

    Like

    Reply
    • Tela

      Other questions: why didn’t I leave sooner, why did I make so many excuses for the Sociopath, why did I not see what was happening to me/my life, why did I allow the continued abuse? And so many other questions. That is why I started with just the very basics

      Like

      Reply
    • AlohaLover

      I agree spot on.
      You have to be wary of who you tell, because they will not believe you. So, after defending myself one too many times. I said If I said X was abusing me and here’s the bruise from where he punched me, you would be horrified. You should be just as horrified at the bruise you can’t see….those did the most damage.
      I was also embarrassed.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
      • notme2014

        My sister was the one I confided in..One day at lunch, in the early days of pain and verbal abuse and discard, she says to me…”just get over it, do you realize you talked about him our whole lunch?” I quit telling her things after that. Just smiled and acted like I was OK. Now, I just keep wondering what all of this was for. It was such a huge lesson, before him, I had no idea there were people like that. Maybe one day I will be able to help someone else, listen to them and truly understand. That is one good thing I got out of all of it.

        Liked by 1 person

      • AlohaLover

        @notme2014 February 18, 2017, You may not know it, but every time you click’LIKE’ or answer someone, you are helping them and you are paying it forward. The people that are just starting this path, have no idea what just happened to them or why people think they are crazy, or why the person who meant the most to them, discarded them…..they don’t have any idea what that word means in Sociopath Lingo.
        You help people more than you know. The reward is, you / me / we, helped someone out start their journey out of hell.

        Liked by 1 person

  6. ifonlymommy

    No one gets it at all. I kicked mine out but I still communicate with him because of our children. No contact doesn’t work for me now. Later when the kids are grown I’ll have no contact.
    Everyone around me expects me to be normal again but it’s hard. No one understand how much I’ve been through. Even knowing what they know doesn’t even touch on how much I lost of myself during this process. I seem strong as hell because there are no other option but I struggle every single day of my life. My kids keep me going. I have to be everything for them. They didn’t deserve this. Hope also keeps me going. I hope for a day to look back at this as just a bad memory. A tiny part of my life and not the enormous part it is now.
    Love your post. Thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • Tela

      Thank you for your comment. You are correct in the sense that you still have to maintain contact with the ex because of the children. With that case, I would encourage you to set boundaries, healthy boundaries for your and your children. Read this POST

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
    • AlohaLover

      @ifonlymommy….we all lost ourselves at some point. It’s the clawing our way back to the top that builds us into the fierce women / men we are. It’s tough but it can be done. Good luck to you.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
  7. Casey

    I’ve let mine back in over n over again for 3 years now. In Dec he keft. 3 weeks later back. says he’s going to help pay me back etc etc. I lose my job. He ended up manipulating me out of my severance. Now in 3 days he’s moving out his stuff because he says he doesn’t trust me while he is away at work. yes he took a job for 3 months out of state. It’s a good job. I saw the pay. 60 hr weeks…. says he will pay me still. I haven’t seen a dime while here why would he there so I’m in a desperate place financially.
    however I think my plan is to go silent. I think it’ll be easier knowing I won’t run into him. see him w another as in other times and see what he goes thru when I’m mo contact.
    He even screamed last night I love u . Then says if I don’t change when he gets back were done for good. He has angry rage almost positive after drinking shots… then wakes up today calm. kiss before he leaves. I just think to get any real clarity I need to go no contact while he’s away. Then tells me not moving all his stuff. yeah think he’s leaving cheap empty dresser. lol
    btw says moving back wants to be here when he comes back. I’ve been without him 3 months before while in same town. I think this time it’ll be easier him out of state. And if he doesn’t pay me while gone..yeah he should know won’t matter if I changed a thing. Me silent may let me see alot on how he reacts

    Like

    Reply
    • Casey

      besides fact I think he’s been w other women while here and no affection for me. I see bipolar and sociopath here. add in narcissist. While he’s away I will think of the bad the non trust I have and not miss the good. it will be a loss for him as he still says one day if I change yeah…a ring on it. wirds. words. never action

      Like

      Reply

Your Thoughts:

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Basic HTML is allowed. Your email address will not be published.

Subscribe to this comment feed via RSS

%d bloggers like this: