A Healing & Informative Site About Narcissistic Sociopaths

Single…and The New Year

This article was written by AlohaLover…. a woman who has struggled, survived, and is learning how to live again.

She wanted to share with you, how she ‘survives’ the Holiday’s.

 

 

 

HAPPY NEW YEAR’S EVE!

 

5…4…3…2…1…..HAPPY NEW YEAR!

 

You made it through the Holidays but you still have one more, one week later. Yep…New Years Eve.  I have never…ever, liked New Years.  From the time I was a kid, I have never enjoyed New Years Eve….never.  I can be at the best party, with the love of my life, with family and all the while I am wishing I were home.  Honest.

The first 2 years with the sociopath were bliss.  Fancy clothing…that he picked out and told me to wear.  Expensive champagne, that I taught him about and of course HE took credit for it, an intimate dinner, a text message that he, cleverly, tried to hide and the fake smile…my fake smile pretending not to believe he is cheating.

 

The ‘ firsts ‘ will always be the hardest. So, it’s important to have a game plan.   For me, the offer to go out on NYE would have to be SO GOOD and so amazing that if I didn’t go out, I would be doomed forever.  So far, and it’s been 2 NYE’s for me, this will be my 3rd  and not one offer has been that amazing.  But, I’m not sad at the thought of staying home and here’s why.  A few days before the dreaded night, I clean my house, I make a run to HomeGoods for candles and a journal.  I stop at Target, Nordstrom Rack or WalMart and buy soft cozy PJ’s.  I go to the market and pick up food to cook and a really nice bottle of wine.  When asked by the clerk if I was ready for the new year, no doubt thinking I was going to have a romantic dinner with my man,  I reply “You bet I am”. She didn’t need to know I was going to celebrate (YES CELEBRATE ) alone.  NYE-Day, I usually watch those wonderful Lifetime Movies where the man, husband, boyfriend is as awful as the Ex and he usually ends up….well, watch one and you’ll see.  I then play with the dogs, take a hot bath, start cooking, open the wine, light the candles and sigh….a deep long sigh that seems to come from my toes. As I let it out, I smile…I have my life back and my power. The TV will be on and I will be half watching it, in between writing in my new journal of all the things the NY will bring me and all the things I plan to do.  Sit back for one moment, even if it’s through tears and be proud of yourself.  YOU are away from the abusive sociopath.  You are making your own decisions.  You are creating your own new year…your own new you. BRAVO!

When I first found this site, I was broken….b-r-o-k-e-n-.  I didn’t understand any of it.  “But, he loved me….I was the love of his life.”   I didn’t think I would make it…so when I read your story and your heartache….I was there April 22, 2014.  I get it and at this moment you feel your life is ending.  I know that feeling.  A very wise, very compassionate, very brave woman told me, as I sobbed, she said “ You won’t believe me now, but you will get through this.  I promise you, you will make it through this storm.”  Of course, I didn’t believe it….but I did.  I clawed my way up from hell and while I will never be the same person I was, I like me so much better.  I am a warrior, I am a survivor and you will be too.  Do you ever recover?  From the taste of my salty tears, I don’t think so but I know, I will never go back to hell.

Happy New Year…Happy New You brave one.

©AlohaLover

22 Responses to “Single…and The New Year”

  1. Pia

    Having been 1.5 weeks of no contact and swinging between hating my sociopath narcissitic ex and missing him is driving me to the point of insanity. Questioning myself why and how did I accept all the terrible things he did to me during the 9.5 month relationship. I am a strong 40 year old woman and I know what love is, I know what is right and wrong. I left him several times over those months always to be sucked back in with his tears and apologies. He was jailed which is when I felt like I was suddenly coming out of a fog, a coma and could see everything the last 9.5 months. Raping a person in their sleep is incomprehensible to me. I awoke during such a situation but it felt unreal and he said go back to sleep. The next day I asked him if I had dreamt this and he laughed and said he had done this for 2 weeks and then stated I was enjoying it!!! I don’t know if he drugged me because it seems almost inconceivable to be able to rape some one whilst asleep (I have since heard he has done this to others and drugged them). I was furious, I told him it was rape he argued he was not a stranger but my partner….I left. He cried, begged excused this to be his alcohol and drug problem and not the real him. 2 days later I am back. What on earth was I thinking????? Someone who states they love you does not do such a terrible thing. A cigarette on my breast, another on my arm whilst watching a movie…endless placing me on a pedestal only to be knocked off with cruel comments directed at my insecurities. An argument which led him to cheating, all my fault because I left and if I had stayed he wouldn’t have done it…. an endless list. All tied up in a bow of over the top romantic gestures and a whirlwind adventure of excitement and words of love and gifts…. I am a strong woman with high morals. How on earth did i allow myself to accept this behaviour. I am broken. I cannot stop asking myself how could I have been so stupid. How did I some how justify this behaviour to myself as “acceptable”? He financially broke me because I am a caring, giving and compassionate person who fell for his tears and woes over debts, debts he stated were caused by his ex. All lies. I now have contact with his ex partner who said she wanted to warn me but thought he would already have said she is the crazy ex still in love, which he did. My family don’t understand. They are angry and disappointed by how I could allow myself to sink so low for a such a man. Words of it is now over, get over it, it could have been worse…..currently he is in jail on charges not related to me, but is sending me letters. First beginning with words of love and then accusing me of never loving him and cheating. Terrible lies which I fear he may go public with later. I feel safe at the moment because he is locked up but what if he is released. I am in living in fear of that moment. I am too afraid to go to the police for fear of retaliation as he did to his ex. I have seen a therapist and will continue to do so as they believe I am suffering from PTSD. When will this nightmare end. When will I wake up and experience a day where I don’t feel broken. Why didn’t I see all the red flags and it took me to the point where I ended the relationship to then give me clarity and a clear view of all the damage he had done to me. It was like I had suffered memory loss and still have moment some like this. Missing pieces of the puzzle. Days I don’t really recall fully. That it my current battle with myself. How could I have missed those? Why did I allow it?…..how could I have let my own moral standards drop to such a level that I somehow forgave him. Believe me I questioned him on everything. My therapist said even though I didn’t realise it, I fought him strongly questioning him, but yet stayed!! I have never felt so broken in my entire life. He took advantage of my caring and nurturing nature. He went into rehab only to drop out but stayed clean (did he!?). I wanted to help him. To fix him but in doing so I broke myself. I don’t want to feel the way I am now. I want my life back. I want to become that positive happy loving caring person that I was…. I am striving each day to be her again but feel like I have no control over my current emotions. Waking up crying…wanting to hurt him…..swinging back to beating myself up for being such a fool. Blinded by love, because I feel deeply for him. I believe he felt the same. Of course, I know now I was just a toy for him. It feels like hell on earth.

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    Reply
    • AlohaLover

      @Pia….you were sucked in like we all were. Be happy it was 9.5 months and not years like many of our relationships.
      You are strong. Reed gave you very sound advice on what to do. Re-read it again and again.
      It takes time but you’ll get there.
      If he is in jail and you are afraid of what might happen when he is released, then you need to have a plan. Can you move? Change your phone # if you haven’t already.
      Stay safe.

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      • Pippa

        Hi Pia,
        Read all that you can about sociopaths and then read it again and again. Read with a purpose and that is to free yourself from a life that would have been taken from you. Embrace your new found freedom. Take charge of you and your life. Change what you need to and move if need be. The advice you have been given in previous comments is highly valuable because, sadly, it is experience based. Everyone here wants to see you move past this and enjoy life, take and use the advice.

        Take care,

        Pippa.

        Like

    • Santaland

      Hi, probably a little of ‘shock and awe’…in which the lies, the actions, the words, everything becomes a mixed salad, thus a fog. They are experts at confusion. Now you described yourself as a woman who is caring, high morals, a loving type, etc. however, words that pop up in your description of him…jail, substance abuse, rape, drugs, mental manipulation, tears, financial problems. My question to you is, is this the type of man you proudly stand beside, a man of substance, honor, integrity, honesty, empathy? I think not. Thus you need to distance yourself and become more of an analytical person. This is not normal behavior in a relationship. The more you let him ‘toy’ with you, the lower you will sink. What kind of man attacks your insecurities wittingly.

      Anyway, may I suggest you read this site, numerous stories about no contact, acceptance and more. FYI I am a man who was abused by a woman…it took me two years to fully get over. Today I feel great, and when I see her I could careless. And yes they do come back to see if you are a source of supply. There was a song, cannot remember fully, Jar of Hearts? Maybe someone could correct me, but it is exactly that.

      So, easier said than done, end any and all contact. You are dealing with a 4 year old in an adult’s suit. He will not change. They lie, then lie some more. The worst part of all this, there are so many of these types running around worldwide. Read and educate yourself to learn with what you are dealing with. A snake, a viper that will bite you until you can take the poison no more.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
    • montanagirl808world

      PIA, I feel like you are telling my story with different details OMG I’m sorry you went through all this but it’s comforting in a way knowing I’m not the only smart strong almost 40 yr old woman and mother that got her self into this type of situation with a sick man….I ended 2 yr relationship and had 20 days no contact until a few days ago….just a messenger meassgae trying to defend myself which I know is pointless…..
      I feel so lonely without taking to him and stupid for missing someone who dis so many horrible hurtful things
      ….

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      Reply
  2. AlohaLover

    I think that is a great idea! When you come to a mile stone, celebrate! And it is truly something to celebrate. Happy New Year to you as well and CELEBRATE like crazy on January 4th!

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  3. Pippa

    Hello to you all,

    I hope the New Year sees you all put all your pieces back together but better and differently.

    AlohaLover – thank you for sharing. I find this so helpful for me.

    Take care,
    Pippa.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  4. brokenlady

    I’m crying now 😦 well done you for getting through. Your new years eve sounds perfect. Probably what I’ll do. This is my first alone without him. We were away last year on a lovely holiday. I loved that man sooooo much. I’m absolutely gutted and I want him so badly it hurts, my heart is broken. I know he’s not good for me. He didn’t cheat but he has on pretty much every girlfriend but he got me jealous and triangulated me to. I just didn’t trust him 😦 I hope everyone manages to enjoy the new year. Love to you all x

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • AlohaLover

      @brokenlady….now you have me crying. I get how much you loved him but that was an illusion that he wanted you to see. I can’t say if he cheated or not, but your comment that he did on every girlfriend says a lot. Sometimes we turn a blind eye to what we don’t want to see. BUT….you are free now. You can rebuild yourself and it will take time but you will get through this.
      I’ll be around NYE and most likely will go to bed before midnight. Stay strong!

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      Reply
    • Tela

      Belynda- you may be alone physically, but please know there are thousands that this will be their first NYE alone.
      Read my site, reach out. You are not alone in your journey of healing!

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
      • Tela

        AlohaLover- thank you for sharing your very personal life with everyone. It takes an enormous amount of faith to open your heart and pen an article to help others.
        I want everyone who reads this to know; you are NEVER ALONE. As I’ve said, reach out! Email me if you need to. Post comments so others that are going through what you are can relate first hand-the excruciating pain.
        2017 is a new year. New changes that must begin with you. Hugs and healing to all!

        Liked by 1 person

    • AlohaLover

      You’ll get through it….it won’t be easy but you will make it. I’m hanging out at home so I’ll be around too. Stay strong! You’ll get through this!

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      Reply
  5. Rosie

    Reading this brought tears to my eyes. What a strong, smart woman you are, you should be so proud of yourself! I spent Christmas Eve/ Christmas Day alone, and will be spending New Year’s Eve/ New Year’s Day the same way. And you know what? It was O.K., all I could think was yeah, I’m alone, but isn’t being alone so much better than being with somebody who only cares about himself? I remember last Christmas Eve I spent with the ex, I ended up laying under the Christmas tree, crying, because I was at the end of my rope. Not exactly a warm and fuzzy Christmas memory. Haha. Anyway I am nearing the date of when he discarded me, Jan 4th, and my plan is to have a celebration on that day, with a cake and everything, celebrating the day he dumped me, turns out that was the nicest thing he ever did for me! Stay strong everyone, everybody is right, it will get better with time, you just have to allow it to happen. Happy, healthy New Year to everyone!

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
    • AlohaLover

      HIGH FIVES AND A BIG HUG TO YOU!!!!! You have me in tears! I am so happy for you.
      YES, you made it and look how strong you are. I love your plan and you know what? I’m going to do the same thing on April 22nd.
      No one needs to be treated like that…no one. Celebrate and be happy you are free and on your way to a FIERCE NEW YOU. Many blessing to you!

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      • Rosie

        Thank you, AlohaLover! Maybe we can start a new tradition! Happy Freedom Day or something, Yay! I wish for you a wonderful New Year, full of hope and happiness. xxx

        Liked by 1 person

    • Belynda

      WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT’S THE EXACT SAME DAY I CAME HOME TO FIND MINE OF 15 YEARS GONE.
      COUNT ME IN THAT CELEBRATION, BECAUSE I WILL CERTAINLY BE CELEBRATING THAT MILESTONE.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

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