A Healing & Informative Site About Narcissistic Sociopaths

Peeping Tom

This post is from an email I received by a long time reader of my website. After his email, I am going to address some of the thought’s, and issue’s he raises.

The proverbial ‘curiosity killed the cat’ comes to mind. No, am not too sure what that means…is it literally a curious cat, to gregarious who was to curious? Or something along those lines? So here we are, rid of the emotional vampire. They moved on, while we…..slowly heal, lick our wounds, go with our gut, listen to advice, albeit sound advice. Go No Contact. They never loved you, you were used, they are fuck-up’s, nasty predators etc…all this we know, accept, slowly and eventually close that chapter in our life.

But, the big BUT comes in to play. We are curious, very curious. The old ‘what if’s’, perhaps all predictions indicated x,y,z…but I need to know. So we peak, we go covert, becoming a Peeping Tom, just to know…is it closure we seek? Absolutely. The final nail of confirmation in the coffin….YES.

So now the questions become, why do we do this? It is sick, crazy, borderline stalking, wanting to know they made the next victim suffer like you did. Is his healthy? No. Is it valid? Yes. We need to know that is was not us. So we are back to the final word called closure. The ex-Sociopath, Psychopath, in sum, basically an asshole in simple terms, would never give us that. Why? Because they are not normal. So we peek…just a bit. We are dying to know what is really happening in their new world, yet indifferent since we have moved on with our life. But no matter how we have moved on, we are always curious. 

So how do we get this closure? How do we stop these moments of….hmmmm I wonder moments. And is the new target (yes target, because that was what we were, the one before, and the one before too) and now the current one.

Getting the closure you need amounts to many levels. Validation that you are and were not the crazy one. Accountability from the Sociopath for their behaviour. You can do all the begging’s and pleading’s to get accountability from them, but it will never happen. Affirmation that everything you have read, all the traits scream SOCIOPATH. Healing, takes a very, very long time. And to think you will be the person you were prior to the Sociopath is not conducive to your healing. You will never be ‘that person’ again. You have wounds/scars/mental & emotional pain that no one understands unless they have first person experience with a Sociopath.

Professionally and personally, I do not recommend being a ‘Peeping Tom’. Simply because that keeps those wound’s that are trying to heal, still open. Yes the curiosity is a natural human response to someone they loved so very much. You cannot ‘save’ the Sociopath, or the new victims {targets}, you can only save yourself at this point.

When this man first reached out to me, and we spoke, I even asked myself “why”. Such a kind, gentle soul. But the answer is always the same..one word: Sociopath. You can read his story HERE



5 Responses to “Peeping Tom”

  1. AlohaLover

    To Peep or Not To Peep….

    First a disclaimer…..What I am writing is MY story and the way I chose to deal with my hurt. Tela did not like this idea one bit. Do not peep unless you think about it and run it by T.

    Peeping Tom or Tomasina, has such a seedy meaning….but what they have done to us is seedy and evil. From day 1, I was a Peeping Tomasina. I was a spinning, out of control, bat shit crazy woman who was going to revenge because Karma takes too long. I wanted to know who were these women….what did they have I didn’t. I didn’t understand the sickness then…I had never ever heard of a sociopath. All I wanted to do was ‘peep’ and let me say, the FBI and Interpol need me. I peeped and found him on every porn website and Craigslist….ya can’t get much lower than that. The more I fed my ‘peeping addiction’, and I saw what these women looked like, it started to become clear, his addiction was deeper than even he knew. But I wanted more.
    My Ah-ha moment came when a friend asked me to look up the word sociopath and I basically saw his picture. And then I found Tela and her site.
    I continued to ‘peep’ for 2 years and still do every now and again. For me and me alone, it was therapy.
    It was therapy because I could see what he was doing with butt ugly women, I could see he can never ever change. And I saw a pattern….red flag moment.
    But, while I was seeing all this on social media, I knew in my heart that my puzzle was not complete. In
    addition to ‘peeping’, I called his ex wife. Once again I DO NOT SUGGEST this at all. Speaking with her,
    tightened my puzzle and I felt complete…except he was still seeing this one person. So, back to ‘peeping’. To make a long story short, they broke up a few days ago. I could not write to Tela fast enough. I am jumping for joy.

    Will I still be a Peeping Tomasina….I will. Why, it validates he will never change and I want to be the
    the final nail in his coffin and the only way to do that is by ‘peeping’. My wounds are still there and they get sore on occasion but I will surivive.
    I keep hearning the John Mellancamp song Crumblin’ Down….and that is what I want for him. One day…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Santaland

      I agree, it is for validation purposes we do this. Closure, yes. But more for validation. The good news (sad for the new victim(s)) is that no matter how deep our scars…we are on the side lines now, watching this train wreck waiting to happen. And for those of you contemplating contacting their newest lover/partner (victim is the correct description), do not do it! Period! Why? Well would you have listened during the honeymoon phase? Nope. Did you listen when a few took noticed and highlighted some red flags, which you/we saw but ignored, I think not. So maybe peeping now and then is fine…not healthy but fine, for the sake of validation. Update, saw on some local tabloid that mine and her new ‘man’ are selling his house. Key word, his house, this is normal, she tried to get me to sell mine…why, so she could claim her share. Coupled with them (socios) always wanting change, attention, etc…and if it goes wrong, they walk away leaving you not only mentally destroyed, but financially.


    • neednpeace

      Aloha Lover,
      Everything you said sounds like its coming right out of my head. I understand completely. I do sometimes wonder if it does hinder our healing which I know takes time. I have started to keep notes and have noticed when I do peep, I slip back a little, into those hurt feelings. Yes, you are right it is confirmation that they will never change. It can be therapeutic. I understand everything you are saying. I too recently jumped for joy when my ex was yet exposed again by another lover. Heck I even met a guy at the gym who was my exes victim recently. Used financially, discarded. He was even able to shed light on what was going on before our break up and afterwards. I was never supportive and I was holding him back from greatness…..blah blah.. It was information I later wished I didn’t know. Its been almost 9 mths since I officially walked away for good. (Tela I finally went NO CONTACT. I know its about time right? After drilling it in my head over and over…lol.) anyway it was sad to hear my ex didn’t care who he used, male or female. The guy I met at the gym was really nice and I can clearly see why he was such a good target. Again I sunk a little deeper into the feelings of hurt. I am now training myself to not look, and boy is it hard. I have to literally talk myself out of it by naming all the reasons why I shouldn’t care. Seeing the different women that don’t even compare, knowing they too will be discarded was my entertainment. Funny thing is what was I rejoicing for? I stayed the longest. What a fool for love. Nothing to be proud of really. The others only last 2-4 mths and they run like hell. Smart women. I may do well for days and one of his family members calls to check on me sharing some detail of what’s going on in his life. I noticed again I will sink into hurt and sadness. I don’t want to keep reopening the wounds. Lord knows I am in better place today then I was a year ago. (Tela knows I was at the point of thinking I was losing my mind, PTSD, Insomnia, Weight gain) Reality is surprisingly the last time he reached out was 2 months ago…that’s a record. I do catch myself wondering if he will ever reach out again, but then I catch myself and realize I really don’t want him to. I still go back and forth however I think once I permanently stop peeping, I can continue to heal and have fewer moments of sadness. I pray for the day when he no longer crosses my mind. I think peeping hurts us in the long run, however trust me when I say I do understand…Believe me I do 🙂


      • Tela

        NeedNPeace, I am sooooo soooo so very proud of you for going No Contact! That made my day. I know the struggles you were and are going through, yet, somehow you have made it this far! Why do his family member’s call and check on you? Are you ‘friends’? Do you go out and do things together?
        The reason I ask is, if they are calling to ‘check on you’, be mindful of what you say. If it get’s back to the ex that he literally broke you mentally & emotionally, he will gloat in that! Personally, unless he has no contact with his family, and they truly do care about how you are doing, then talking to them is okay. However, if they are just part of his flying monkey squad, BLOCK THEM!
        The ‘peeping’ is not conducive, as you know, in healing. It does keep the wounds open, then like you said the hurt and sadness all over again. So many people want the ex to contact them, and I keep repeating…..you really DO NOT! There would be no positive out of it. Just more lies, more manipulation, more ‘everything is your fault’. You KNOW he is sick. As I told AlohaLover….burn the image of her ex in her mind. No more face, just an image of burned ashes! xo


      • neednpeace


        His family members seem happy and overjoyed for me. They say I sound so happy and upbeat, nothing like the defeated tattered soul this time last year. They seem genuinely happy for me. Sometimes they do check in with me to see if I have heard from him because he may mention my name in casual conversation to dig for info on me or to see if they react or comment on me. His mom says she ignores his inquires and changes the subject while in the back of her mind hoping if he tries to reach out that I don’t respond. To her delight I don’t. His last attempt to reach out was in June. I completely ignored him. He used his same tired tactics. It was like reading the same book over and over already able to predict the ending. Yawn…BORING. This month will be interesting because it is my birthday month. He ruined my birthday in 2013, 2014, 2015. This year may feel a little weird. Part of me wants him to reach out, but the other part hopes he wont. I have already been honest with myself that I may be a little disappointed that he forgot my birthday or chose not to reach out knowing it will hurt me, but as you stated I know he is sick/disordered and its best we never communicate again…EVER. I cant began to thank you and Santaland enough for all your patience with me. I know I was so stubborn and head strong. I still have a ways to go in recovery however I am making so much progress. I started my own business as a distraction me from communicating with my ex. Its doing quite well. They say the best revenge is success. (side note, I do HOPE and PRAY he sees the day when he reaps what he has sown. For now life still seems good for him and he is still destroying young ladies that cross his path, such a heartless evil man. Reality is he cared nothing for me or about me. I finally accepted that fact. It hurts but hey..I was a source just as the ladies he is with are now. To be easily discarded as trash when no longer serving a purpose) anyway.. I started exercising again even though my heart wasn’t in it. My focus and love for it isn’t there like it used to be, but I force myself. I have completed a few races..YAY!. My running level is still not where I want it to be, but I am making steady progress to build up my endurance and speed. I should be where I want to be by the end of the year. My doctor says I’m still mentally fatigued and drained from the years of abuse dealing with my ex. Still have a lot of trouble sleeping, but I do little techniques that help a little. I want to push my body to do more but sometimes I accept the fact that I cannot. The weight is slowly coming off so that always keeps me motivated and super excited. I buy myself a new outfit for every goal I reach..lol. Tela you were also right about not dating for awhile. I’m not ready. I do go out and meet nice ppl. I refuse to seclude myself. I have made a few really good friends along the way recently. Its easy for me to spot red flags immediately with men that I do encounter. I have zero patience and don’t give chances or them another thought. It feels good to feel empowered and in control.That gives me the confidence to know I will never fall for the charms of another disordered person. I laugh and smile way more than I used to cry. I am smiling now as I compose this message. 🙂 I have my moments, but I don’t allow myself to stay down for long. We have a life to live and we should refuse to let someone from our past/present still impact our future. I love myself and I know I am worthy of receiving the same. In the meantime I work on having a closer relationship with friends /family and enjoy long peaceful walks with my dog. To anyone that feels hopeless or lost. The nightmare will end I promise you. I have been there. There really is a light at the end of the tunnel. Be patient with yourself. Be honest with yourself. Never dishonor yourself or the life you have been given for someone who wont value you enough or honor you enough to give the same in return. Take your time, believe me when you are ready to be done, you WILL RUN and not walk. Bless you Tela and can never thank you enough. I should change my name from Neednpeace to StillSmiling..lol

        Liked by 1 person

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