A Healing & Informative Site About Narcissistic Sociopaths

On and Off Crazy Train

I received the below email from a reader, whom I’ve been counseling over the last several months. He titled his email to me “Back on The Wagon”. I refer to that as crazy train. You can read that article HERE

In this man’s email, he writes about the addiction to a Female Sociopath, and why he cannot seem to break it. I wrote about Sociopath Addiction HERE. No matter how hard we try to stick with NO CONTACTfor whatever each person’s individual reason is, the BACK-SLIDE happens. And each and every time you go back to the Sociopath, the discard is worse than the time before. Then you find yourself utterly and completely broken. I will tell you from a Professional stand point, there is not one single person whom I’ve counseled that has returned to the ex-Sociopath and are living a life a bliss. Not one! A Sociopath/Narcissist/Psychopath is truly a walking/talking/breathing evil human. And you may think you can ‘fix’ them, or ‘love them right’. However, the lies will continue, the manipulation will continue, the  cheating will continue, the absolute break down of your self-esteem, LIFE will continue. You cannot ‘love a Sociopath to normal’.

Once you read this man’s email, if you can offer suggestions from your own personal journey in and out of Hell, please share.

Sent: Tuesday, December 08, 2015 at 11:22 AM
From: “s <s.com>
To: “Taela Hill” <taelahill@mail.com>
Subject: Back on the wagon
Hey T,
So I’m going to donate $50 to your site every time I break No Contact with my ex. It’s gotta hurt me in other areas other than just my heart. Obviously, I love making it my ex’s fucking punching bag.
Im 24hrs back on the wagon of NO CONTACT. I have few words to tell the latest story of my this 3 week binge with the ex, other than she is the real deal, living, breathing, Succubus demon. I have never met any one more seductive, confusing, capricious, wicked, or vile in all my life. She is pure evil. At the end of the binge we were at church and she got me to sext her in church, sexting in church for crying out loud. As you know I’m kind of religious, more spiritual really, but sexting in church has got to be one of the worst things I think I’ve ever done in my life, and then later that evening she blames me for her “guilt.” Do socio’s even feel guilty? Then the next day the wheels came flying off the binge. She went cold and then attacked me over all my emotional hang ups with her and my poor financial choices through the years, and then out of the blue she confesses that she’s been banging some Navy pilot from Italy, who’s so hot and perfect and it’s all my fault that she met him because I keep going thru “cycles” of cutting her out of my life. The whole damn binger started with her coming clean about her cheating on me all those years back, and then ended on that wonderful note! AHHHHHH!!!!
The game she plays makes me want to go ballistic. I almost didn’t get out of there without blowing up with all my pent up anger and fueling her fucked up sick demon game of emotional thrones…  
Thank God I came to my senses AGAIN and now all avenues of communication are blocked AGAIN!!
Im so vexed by this addiction to such and an evil human being. Seriously, after a certain point its no longer about all the shit these evil people do, it’s about us, the victims making the choice to either keep handing them our hearts to be played with or STOP this fucked up game. She will never stop, she’s more or less said that. “I’m always here for you Shane. You keep running away and coming back. But I’m the one who never really leaves. I’m here if you need me.”
I hope I’m done allowing the abuse. The choice really lies wholly on me. I have no excuses left for allowing any of her crazy manipulations to pull me back into her game.
Time will tell eh,
PS… Thank you again T. You’re site opened my eyes and at least I know what I’ve been warring against these past 3 years. When this war ends I’m going to blame you and your site and the awesome folks who are brave enough to tell their stories on there too. It will end. It has too! I want and need peace.
From:”Taela Hill” <taelahill@mail.com>
Date:Tue, Dec 8, 2015 at 12:15 PM
Subject:Re: Back on the wagon

Hello S~
I read your email twice. I have to say about the donation and every time you break no contact you do it………”because it has to hurt in other area’s.” I imagine you have and are financially strapped because of that crazy Sociopath! And if this is what you need to do, make it HURT, I am going to put YOUR donation aside, and you are going to give me a ‘goal date’….meaning, YOU decide when you think, THINK you have finally once and for all have stopped the addicition. Then I am going to donate your money back to you. So really, what you are doing is making a very serious, financial obligation to not only yourself, but to me as well. I’m walking this path with you! I KNOW the addiction, I KNOW the backslides, I KNOW the head-fucking games done. S, I have been exactly where you are!!!! I didn’t know how I was going to make it through the next hour, let alone 24 hours!!! But I did………..hard as fuck, but I did! I, with all my education, knowledge etc am still afterall a female who was looking for ‘love’. HA~ I found pure evil.
Okay, no onto you. I understand about being more spiritual vs religious. Why, would you go to that depth of……..filth? in church? What was YOUR gain by doing so? To please her? And no Shane, she absolutlely feels ZERO GUILT. NONE! That is like asking you, ‘do you know what it ‘feels’ like to have a limb missing?’. No, you don’t know that ‘feeling’, and guilt is a feeling that she lacks, along with every other NORMAL feelings NORMAL humans have. 
You are just an easy ‘fix’ for her………whether she is bored, whether she is between men, whether she knows she can suck you back into crazy because you are weak in her mind. 
She throws in her latest victim for a reason, to hurt you. Period. And who else is she going to blame? Herself? Come on Shane….your much smarter now to understand her sick/twisted mind! She will attack you from the clothes you wear, to the shampoo, to financial choices to maybe a gold fish dying when you were a small boy. Again~ that is what she does, find a ‘weakness’ and pounce on it, chew it up and spit it in your face! No regrets, no ‘guilt’, no nothing!
I know it’s making you crazy in the head because you can’t understand why you just cannot stick to the No Contact. You want to believe her, her want to think ‘maybe she changed’, you are trying to comprehend a person who truly does not exist other than walking/talking. There is NOTHING in her heart, nothing in her soul~ those are void area’s within her. So to sustain herself, she sucks the good out of other people {because she lacks any love/compassion/care etc}…..once she get’s herself ‘full’………BAM! She throws you to the trash!
Please, please, please, I beg of you, when/IF she contacts you or tries to contact you, YOU contact ME! Immediately! I will star your email address so it will alert my phone. You can do this, I promise, and just think of the saving’s you will be getting in return {your donations}, that means you saved yourself from evil!!!!!
Kind regards,

24 Responses to “On and Off Crazy Train”

  1. laurelwolfelives

    I can and have followed the “no contact” rule….but how do you get them out of your head? It’s like they leave a butcher knife in your brain and even though your skin may heal around it…..it’s still there.


  2. Good Life

    It’s been a little more than a year since I finally ended my relationship and I never looked back. Let me first say this was after years and years of living life on the Crazy Train. I read every post and comment on this site and each time I would vow to end it for good because I had grown enough to realize the relationship was a hazard to my health and everyone around me. What I had not grasped was the valuable advice and lessons learned that were shared about NO CONTACT and then beginning a new life RECOVERING and focusing solely on ME.

    Those two concepts were just as important, if not more, than recognizing I needed to GET OUT. For me, that was the easy part. I had been hurt so much and was so sick and tired I had nothing left. He would be gone for a while and either he would contact me and I’d respond or I’d want to contact him just to let him know what a worthless piece of no good for nothing he was. I never heeded the warnings that this would eventually lead me back until it was too late.

    The “Smear Campaign” was the worst. It had gotten to the point he had my mother and his his contacting me on his behalf to tell me how horrible I was for all the things I had done. MY FAMILY showed up to help him move out and I was left with nothing but a bed and dresser. I was grateful they were getting his stuff out of my home but they did it because they believed his lies about me. That hurt but it was also a wake up call. It helped me to realize how many of MY ISSUES revolved around my family of origin. I had always been the “Scapegoat” and in order for me to change this I needed to distance myself from them as well.

    Then came the time I had to begin repairing my life. I never realized how many people I had isolated as a result of allowing my world revolve around him. There were many amends I needed to make and I made a daily effort to try and rebuild my relationship with my children. I had been absent from them emotionally at a critical time in their lives and this is a process we are still working on but it is going very well.

    After he left I threw myself into work which at the time seemed to be a benefit because I felt useful and productive. What I thought was making “progress” in my job was not because my boss was a Sociopathic/Narcissistic too. I recognized this and was looking for a new job but it was not as easy as I thought it would be. Even though I was doing great getting over the intimate relationship I am sure a lot of this was because I was right back in another one but with my employer.

    I still made a lot of progress in my recovery but it wasn’t until I finally left that job and had time off waiting to start my new one when I realized the impact this had on me as well and I was able to really dig way down deep and identify the things about ME which led me to continue to be drawn to these relationships.

    I am now in a much better place. It’s not a lot of fun facing your own issues and then seriously dealing with them. I realize now that my relationships were like an addiction. They kept me on that Crazy Train so I didn’t have to. It’s always easier taking someone else’s inventory than your own but as each day passes and I take those steps the only regrets I have are that I didn’t do it sooner and listen to those words of wisdom. The only way you are going to fully recover is NO CONTACT and focus solely on yourself. At the time it seems like the hardest thing you will have to do but it’s the only way to truly be free. Once you get through it, it’s done and you begin to gain your confidence which replaces all the things that you lost which may have contributed to being drawn to unhealthy people. It doesn’t happen overnight either. Be patient with yourself and remember it takes time but every day you are making progress.


  3. Don

    To all that read and post on this site thank you for your input. The support here is an unbelievable tool to use in our recovery. Recovery is exactly what we are doing. Recovering from messed up relationships with messed up people. The stories and advise shared here are the best friend i have in my recovery. The holidays are about over with only New Years remaining. It’s been a long hard month. I wanted to contact her bad …. real bad … but resisted the urge. Every night for a weeks I have visited this site for support. This ” On & off crazy train” section really hit close to home. After 11 years, 2 marriages, countless break ups, double lives, and total chaos, unbelievably I found myself thinking and wanting her again. She views our relationship as a win or lose thing. Two things kept me from sending the “come on home” email. First it was the support from all the post on this site. Second it was my sheer will not to let her win. She preys on weakness. If I email her she wins. If I call her she wins. This time I am determined to win. I will retake my life. When I get the overwhelming desire for her I come here and read. After reading other people’s horror stories I gain the strength and desire to want a normal life again. … A normal relationship. I relate to almost every story. They all give me strength to continue NO CONTACT. Anyone who has ever loved one of these life suckers know how hard it is to break the cycle of our addiction to these life sucking parasites. For me…my recovery built on my sheer will to get my life back and the support of the site to remind me what the reality of what I am dealing with. Thanks T and all who post. Even though you don’t know me in person impact is huge in my life.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Tela

      Thank you Don for your comment. The holiday’s are especially difficult to get through! And literally making yourself not send a text, make a call or try and reach out in anyway to the EX is especially mentally & emotionally painful.
      You are correct when you say ‘she prey’s on weakness’, they all do. You are winning! By maintaining your stance of No Contact, by getting through one day to the next {albeit painful}, she does not know that, therefore, WIN for you!
      Your comments also help other’s in the very same situation you are in, so THANK YOU for helping another!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Shane

    Thank you for all the comments!! Yes, thats me in the email… Its a hard reality for a guy like me to admit, but Im not only a victim of a sociopath but also an addict. The only way out of this hell is to continually remind myself of the reality of her condition, a pathological liar bent on destroying anyone in her vicinity, even her 2 kids. Im now 6 days sober from directly engaging in her poison. But now after my latest attempt at NO CONTACT she’s all of a sudden developed a deep sense to help the elderly during the holiday season (total crock of snake shit) and is now planning on coming to my work (I manage a retirement community) to visit one of our residents. @Santand….Im going to have to learn that acting face real quick. I hope I can give that look that goes right thru her and turn and walk away in a manner like she isnt even there. In my head she’s very much here and all her bullshit words cycle around in there many times a day, but I keep turning and looking at the real picture… the vile, life sucking demon that she is. The relationship will never work, not at any level. She ruined my life, she’s ruined other guy’s lives before me and she’s going to ruin countless others in the future. I cant say thank you enough to Tela because this website changed my whole perception of this relationship. Its embarrassing that I came across the website this past August and yet Ive jumped on and off Crazy train a couple of times since. I dont need any more evidence… she’s a died in the wool sociopath and Im one of her victims. But with T’s help and all of yours I will be a survivor of a sociopath’s poison. Thank you again to everyone for offering their thoughts. And T, keep being YOU!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Santaland

      Shane, you need to convince yourself that you are looking at someone who does not have your interests at heart…the ‘act’ is difficult, but it is a great feeling of success when you know you got that little revenge per se.

      She used a silly hiiiiiiiiii, and I looked her way…straight through her as if she did not exist and kept going…i heard her mumble grrrr, fuck you, so be it….or something like that….this bugs them, made me feel that i am back on track. I too thought I was addicted….but addicted to what….a nasty self serving lying sack of ….They never play nice in the sandbox and they never play nice as adults. Avoid, walk away, cut your losses and just keep walking.

      Sure I miss sometimes the sex, and maybe a few other moments…but those good moments were killed by the bad. Why bother with someone like this? Oh but I love her…really, you love someone who abuses that love…well for me it is no thanks, you are not any part of my life anymore, you are not part of my social circle and you will never ever enter my life again….NEVER.

      Shane, why would you want to be with someone like this….the end will be worse than the end you have created. Walk away, no contact.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Rivka

    Just to be clear, I am No Contact for almost two years but I still think about the narcissist nearly every day, if only for a minute or two. There’s always something that triggers me, especially during the winter months. I fully expect you to SCOLD the shit out of me, Tela, but I have to tell the truth. I see in Shane’s email all the things that I delighted in with the narcissist: the opportunity to be naughty, the pressure to push me out of my comfort zone, the sexiness, the LUST, the adventurousness of trying new things, things meant to break boundaries of decent behavior. It’s so freeing from the mundane rules of conformity and responsibility. Narcissists do what they want, whenever they want. You are right, though. The narcs show up when they’re bored and within 2 months, they’re gone again. Cruel bastards.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Santaland

      Rivka, it is so true what you say….I feel the same very often…even question myself, hmmm, perhaps it was me and my conformity, comfort zone etc….bullshit. These types work oddly enough exactly the same no matter M/F, in what land or continent…they all work the same act….we admire this somewhat, but hell, do you want to lose everything including your sanity besides financial security…then play with these monsters, they have no mercy…this you know, I know, Tela knows and many others…yep the old cat and mouse….they will toy with us as long as it behooves them, make a move wham the claw comes down, eventually they go for the kill out of shear boredom and ‘fresher’ victims to tango with. And you (we/us) are left in the dust to figure this out without closure. The memories are scars. Who wants scars?

      Liked by 1 person

      • Rivka

        Scars? That’s a bad analogy because I have a scar fetish! But I totally agree. They get bored and then their inner demon comes out.


  6. Santaland

    This is to S mentioned in the article above and his ordeal.

    Until you accept that this relationship with a Socio/Narc/Psycho….Cluster B person will never work, you will continue your saga of misery. And if they say they are miserable, miss you, etc…those are lies. Accept the facts…it is hard, easier said than done….this was your alleged soul mate….bullshit. You had the greatest sex…that I believe, I did too, but then again they did the same with the last victim and the future one too…you (I) were just in between. Revenge won’t work directly…but indirectly it will…how? Ignore them, block them, do not respond in any shape or form. If they send their flying monkeys to do their contact (hoovering) work, ignore them too….do not worry about the smear campaign…it will happen no matter what. Forget your integrity, forget everything…time really does heal.

    Now if you encounter them…you better be ready to be a better actor/actress than them…by simply ignoring…stare right through them and walk away. They say something like…Hiiiiii, I miss you, love you or am so happy now (and rub the new victim in your face)…remember it is all bullshit. Think of this person who has lied to you, cheated on you (mentally and physically) and abused the world you created and yourself….is that a soul mate…nope. Is that even a friend…nope…so now you better put on your Oscar performance even though inside your heart is pounding and you feel out of control…key word, get control of yourself….time heals, Tela’s site heals, other victims and their stories heal. Remember you ex will never heal….and your love is wasted…they do not see the light…never will.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Tela

      Thank you SantaLand for your very insightful and helpful comment. As far as the comment about ‘indirect revenge’, you are absolutely correct. NO CONTACT, no acknowledgement of them, no nothing!

      Liked by 1 person

  7. eoftheu2014

    It took me awhile to understand the importance of No Contact but Tela said it best “… each and every time you go back to the Sociopath, the discard is worse than the time before. Then you find yourself utterly and completely broken.” For me (I realize everyone is not the same), walking away, staying away is the only thing that keeps me on solid ground. Each and every time I have allowed the narcissist in my world, it just didn’t feel right, it was off. Something was off. The hardest thing to do is establish no contact. But it is the only way to rid one’s self of such vermin. I am treating myself wonderfully. And, so should you.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Tela

      Hey there EofTheU, long time no see!! You are very correct, the hardest thing to do is initiate No Contact and then stick with it. Basically breaking an addiction that is so toxic to our lives. Thank you for your comment!

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Only Me

    I don’t think I could improve on the thoughts already voiced. My psycho experience was nearly 5 years ago. I think I was pretty lousy supply. I refused to be broken, never begged for his butt back…never went back to him. I went on the offensive in fact. Posted him on cheater sites, blogged about what an a-hole he was, thoroughly exposed him. He never got to see me cry, or broke me.

    Yes, there was times I longed for him, I didn’t see how I could survive without him. Practically had to sit on my hands to avoid contacting him. If you want to break the addiction, it will be hard work, but it’s worth it. Think of him as being like cocaine or heroin…highly addicted, but you can’t give in to the temptation!

    You start by being good to you! Take yourself out to nice dinners, spend time with trusted friends…read everything about narcissism and it’s pathology you can get your hands on. One thing that helped me a lot was when I found meaningful articles, I’d print them out, and read them until they were in tatters! They helped keep me strong!

    This for me, was a lot like quitting a 3 pack a day smoking habit. I was not fit company for man nor beast when I was going thru withdrawal. It’s tough! But it can be done. Do you want to be truly free of this person? if so, you’re going to have to man (or woman) up and refuse the temptation of contacting them!

    It sounds like you are good hands now. All my best wishes to you! Good luck!

    Liked by 3 people

    • Tela

      Thank you Only Me for your great comment. Most important statement “you start by being good to you”. YES! And for most {if not all} victims, because they have been so thoroughly mentally & emotionally abused, the do not even know how to start being good to themselves. Their head are to full of all the negative said & done to them from the Sociopath. It is about making that decision, and sticking with it. Nothing, EVER good comes out of a relationship with a Sociopath/Narcissist/Psychopath.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. survivednarc

    It was eerie reading this e-mail story, cause I recognized so much of the story. 1) The blame put on us, because they ‘had to’ go and sleep with someone else, cause we ‘abandoned’ them. This is an extreme manipulation of reality. We did not abandon them, we blocked them, went No Contact, for a justified reason = they hurt us, to begin with! They didn’t “have to” go sleep with anyone, if they were a decent human being, they would instead spend that time and energy on healing and amending what they did to us in the first place! The truth is they were bored and wanted to play with someone else. That is the reason they slept with someone else.
    2) “I’m always here for you”. Uncanny. My ex narcissist says these exact words, as to appear “loving, and fighting for our love” etc. My ex narcissist also points out that I’m the one that leaves etc. Well of course I’m leaving, you’re treating me like garbage! Lol. “Being there” for someone doesn’t mean being physically available at times, it means being emotionally accountable, present and loving! Something these creatures don’t know the meaning of. The saying “I’m always here”.. is a pity ploy! Nothing else. I do wish the man in the e-mail all strength to stay away, and heal. I know it’s hard, but it’s about choosing life and love instead of emptiness and mind games. Love// SurvivedNarc

    Liked by 1 person

    • Tela

      Thank you Survivednarc for your comment. How many times have people heard this same script “you made me do it, you abandoned me when I needed you…blah blah blah”. As you said, they were bored!
      The choice, at times, is difficult to make for those wanting to have No Contact. They become so ‘addicted’ to the Confusion and Chaos, that when there is no contact they are left thinking “what do I do with my life now”?

      Liked by 2 people

    • Santaland

      Survviednarc, note your words…you forced them, you made them etc…all blame. Yes you said, am hurt need time and want you to make amends…WHAT…amends, no you forced him or her to have sex with someone else. You forced….blah blah blah…forced….really, so you took a gun to this loving and caring person and said…yeah, that is what I want…that will fix us….there is no us…there is you and them….nothing more. The best part of this script (male or female) if they are caught….suddenly you forced them to take action. Hmmmm let me be straight….their actions do not match their words, and vice versa….ever. They create a fight….why? Guilt, about to do something, done something….whatever. When their mouths move it is a lie!


  10. Di

    In response to: Crazy Train
    I have learned …”I” go back …
    “We” stay away…
    When I lose touch w/ my network of No
    Contact support… I go back.
    My first thought is always my addiction…
    My Second thought is my Recovery.
    Ever get on that ride called…
    “Run Away Train”??? You sit in a
    Small Theater and watch a surround screen . Everyone screams and leans on turns. Your stomach does somersaults and you hands sweat. Then when the Train stops before hitting a wall… You stand up… And You leave… Realizing it was never real.
    And so it is with a Spath.
    I am on year one plus 2 months and 13 days of Freedom.
    I did as much as I could of what was
    Suggested to recover. Besides… The only thing I had to lose was “It”.


  11. luciddream85

    People that don’t understand the problem we have with people like this clearly have a judgement opinion as to why we keep returning.

    I was engaged to a man for three years that beat me, manipulated me, used me, verbally abused me, and then finally cheated on and left me homeless with my (at the time) four year old daughter. He didn’t care. It was about his needs, his wants, his justification that I wasn’t pretty enough, skinny enough, good enough in bed to satisfy all of his lusty cravings that he thought he could get from this woman.

    They got married, had a kid, she beat the crap out of him, has a pill addiction, is just as narcissistic as he is, and has recently kicked him out of their house with nothing but the clothes on his back and his boat.

    And he sends me a text message telling me he will “never make that mistake again” by leaving me. And that he has found us a house with the promise that he will be mine forever. Nevermind the fact that he knows I’m getting married in March. It never crossed his mind that I wouldn’t just up and leave the wonderful man I’m with now and run right back to him.

    I thought I couldn’t live without that man. He told me after he left me that he was irreplaceable. I believed him. And now ….. now I know better. It took almost eight years to heal from what he did to me – but I did it. And people like that know how to put on just enough face to make you think they’ve changed. They suck you in, and then old habits start all over again. It’s vicious and dangerous – and if you cross the wrong one, you may not get out of it with your life.

    Liked by 2 people

  12. aether11

    I am going through the same thing…only I’m now recognizing my own fault for returning/responding to her beratement and challenges. We have to break contact all together, and I’m finally doing that. So many of my friends have watched me suffer the succubus ways (twice in a row). That my friends recent response when I pointed out the sociopath ex-girlfriend and this site, his response was that’s great but actions speak louder than words. So my actions today were to delete her emails sent last night…without even reading them. Blocking her address and phone #, so I can truly be abstinent from her lures and mind fucking. It’s kind of like AA one day at a time, and completely separating yourself with the NO CONTACT rule. I’m slowly learning…finally…to stop the insanity myself regardless of feelings.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. AlohaLover

    Sexting in church has got to be a new one for me….I had to read it twice. Just that action alone tells me she is a sick and vile human….that is not normal and I am so happy you know that in your heart of hearts. As much as we’d all like to think they will change, it’s not going to happen. Believe me when I tell you I have to play MY entire relationship movie in my mind every so often just to keep myself straight. T is right, they never ever change and one day her world will come crashing down in flames….And that is OK….Not your circus, not your monkeys. Be the Ringmaster and keep them ALL away from you.
    Good luck! We’re all here for you!


  14. chankla2

    To EVRYBODY guy/girl any age
    NARCS dont change!!!!! supply supply supply
    its up to us to stop it, we lose, they win
    THYRE hollow, ego, users, insecure, ATTN seeking, period….
    N/C only way….

    Liked by 3 people


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