A Healing & Informative Site About Narcissistic Sociopaths

No Contact and the Aftermath

We go no contact, we have come to  realize the monster, the creep and the vile and shallow person the ex is a Narcissist, Sociopath. Male or female, as Sociopath is not gender specific. We analyze every word and action we said, they said. We self doubt, we hurt, we cry rivers and rivers of tears. Then……we have moments of perhaps, what if, maybe they are….whatever, This is cognitive dissonance. Hate that word it is too technical. I wrote about that HERE

Anyway, so now that we are understanding that we were with a monster, and this monster truly brought us to the depths of HELL. They in turn float like corks…empty in depth, weight and substance per se (a cork is rather solid i.e. wine bottles). …what do we miss? Why do we miss them? Why do we have feelings of shame, guilt etc. Over and over either in person, email or comments left on my site the word ‘shame’ and ‘guilt’ are said over and over. Why have shame? What did YOU do to carry that? You have never in your life before had to defend every thing you thought to be morally correct, every thought, every feeling, every emotion, you had to defend against the Sociopath. Right down to the clothing you wore. You submitted yourself to their verbal and emotional abuse, you begged/pleaded for the reason the relationship has changed. You had to walk around their ever moving mine-field of bombs. That is why you feel ‘shame’ because you did not see or feel it happening to you……the HEAD FUCKERY as I call it.

Then, we move on, find a partner maybe a few partners….move on and on….but we become bored ourselves. Have we been conditioned…sure. But do we in a crazy way enjoy the drama…a little yes and an absolute no. So what the fuck is going on.

We get angry when they contact us, directly or indirectly…we want them to disappear totally. This is where their FLYING MONKEY’S come in to play. Yet when  an ex wife contacts us, or in my case and ex bf {I wrote about that HERE}…We are confused depending on their message. We vacillate back and forth in our head, should we respond to their calls/messages/emails? . We want to know….. but we then we don’t….we could care less, however we are aware, and sometimes hopeful that they have ‘changed, want to try again, learned from their mistakes and all the other bullshit lies that come out of their mouths, just to suck you back in.

When this happens, it is better to do nothing….count to 10, let a few days pass…then respond if you are inclined to {but remember, you start back at day one of NO CONTACT}…..otherwise we are eating the bait…and they, those fuckers take an angel stance….“me? what?, you are fucked up, I have moved on, was in Venice and Paris.Am happy, found my soul mate, told her/him how you stalk me….how crazy you are etc….all part of the game. and SMEAR CAMPAIGNThe aftermath of No Contact puts you on a whole other level of mental and emotional hell, that too, in time, you will heal from.

Delusional and infantile
Crawling with self-importance
Living inside your own mind
Where no one or nothing else matters.
They have seen you the anonymous
Eaten you whole
Left only the carcass
Of someone we used to know.
Look inside yourself
Find the hollow
empty shell of
who you used to be.
Goodbye old friend
Sad to say we never were
You lived with the monster
Inside yourself and

10 Responses to “No Contact and the Aftermath”

  1. BA

    Good Lord. I need to read this daily. 7 years of my life are gone to a man I was engaged to but saw thru. Took off the ring but somehow stayed for another 3 years! The things he has said to me – about me and who I “really” am, the fake and phony person, the awful things he has said about my children. The blame he places on me for everything. My mind starts spinning when I start to think of all the things he has done to me or said to me. The problems I have had to shoulder because of him. And yet, swearing no contact I took the bait and wrote an email back. I don’t understand why I do it! I have not figured out how to totally block his emails so they appear, I read them and sometimes I cannot help it. I either have an incredible need to defend myself or he has said something kind and my heart starts to ache for him. He has been out of the house for 4 months. The basement still full of his things that he has still not removed so he has reason to keep coming here. When is this going to end? And how do I stop myself from forgiving him over and over?


    • Santaland

      To BA…it ends when you end it!!!! Go figure. I do not know the details nor do I see a sociopath in your writing….just simply a man who was two faced towards you. Anyway, assuming he is a sociopath, then you must read this site, no major difference between male or female. They play mental games because they emotionally are not much more than a 4 year old. Sex was great was it not…the best, and you were made to feel and told you are the best, the only, the greatest etc….trust me, they said it before, and they will say it again.

      It is a script, and the older they get the better the optimization of the script. They leave things behind so they have a reason to enter and exit at will. You stayed because you were addicted. You gave your heart and soul. And moreover, if he does not have kids…well they have no filters, thus they saw mommy happy…plus he plays a role and game with them. Now you are ‘alone’ and what will people say, think…what do you kids think….all this you have to handle on your own.

      Again assuming he is a sociopath….he will keep you on a shelf, and you are still open to this….sweet words, a moment of ‘aha’ he has seen the light…bullshit. It is a lie. Am I bitter, no! But they are nasty and it gets very frustrating how they spin and spin….you cannot understand and begin blaming yourself. They blame you (gaslight) until you begin to see it the way they say it….perhaps.

      May I suggest you get some friends, rent a truck, borrow one and take his stuff to his new place and leave it there outside….let him deal with it. Then go home and apologize to your kids, educate them etc. No not the details pending their age.

      Pursuant to your comment regarding blocking him but messages get through…or something along those lines….come on….if you want to block you will find a way. As long as you read his messages….well it will never end. Perhaps that is what you want and don’t want. Well you have to take the journey, wear a helmet and fasten your seatbelt. OR….just walk away with dignity and pride. Is this the type of man you want to spend the rest of your life with? Also the honeymoon phase will end, and they use sex as a blackmail tool. Then you say fine, they want it, you say I want it….forget it. They could text you a I love you honey message whilst being in bed right after sex with someone else…nice????? Congenial????

      Anyway, find your dignity, your pride and always listen to your gut. Your heart and head will play ping pong with you…you gut will tell you the truth…go with it.
      Heart: but I love him and miss him, the drama, the everything Head: true, but he did hurt you, and he does lie…but perhaps he is correct, maybe you need help, hmmmmm heart what do you think etc etc. Gut oh yeah, but there is something longterm bad with this, it is not good, do not do it, walk away. Heart to gut shut up. Head to gut…yes but no but yes but…..

      If you want more, Tela has to connect us. I am two years out now….and the first year was hell.


      • Tela

        SantaLand and BA. You are right about it will end when you decide to once and for all end it! No excuses, no ‘what if’s’, or ‘maybe’s’ etc. I recommend that you take the initiative to once and for all end this toxic relationship. Yes, you read his emails, then respond, and you wonder why this has not ended. Because he knows exactly how to keep you in this state of going nowhere in your life.
        SantaLand is correct about his first year of pure Mental and Emotional HELL after kicking his extremely toxic Sociopath out of his life. You can read his story HERE
        Please stop the contact with the ex. Otherwise, you will not be able to move forward and start to heal. Also, you do not need your children exposed to a very mentally sick man.

        Liked by 1 person

      • neednpeace

        BA. I was very stubborn. I wanted out of my toxic relationship of 3 1/2 years yet kept getting sucked back in due to not doing No Contact, the one thing Tela and Santaland both kept trying to get me to see. (bless you both 😊) When you’ve had enough believe me you will see. I finally got it after going back one final time…please listen to them… I could have been on the road to recovery 6 months sooner had I just tried it. I heard my last lie, suffered through my last betrayal and decided to fall off the radar for good and go No Contact…Finally… never looked back ….damn… I wish I had done this months ago. Life does get better I promise you. I won’t lie and say you won’t have some rough days. I still do but I can assure you I’ll NEVER EVER break no contact… I always whined to Tela that I wanted my life back.. Santaland also told me over and over I had to want it ..to just do it.. nope didn’t listen… had to get my ass kicked hard one more good time..started having health issues, you name it….same scenario all over again… same script.. different cast.. no person is worth it effecting your life… it’s too precious. I get it now. The only tried and true solution to end the nightmare is No Contact… it’s not easy at first but it is the answer. Each month life improves, it gets better. My health is gradually improving. I never imagined such peace and clarity of mind. This experience has taught me to be very protective of who I let in my personal space in the future and to identify those that mean me no good. I love life and I want to enjoy every moment I’m given. BA, My heart goes out to you because Lord knows I was there months ago. You can do it. I’m stubborn as hell very, Tela can attest to it.. lol and I finally took heed. Dont keep getting sucked back in. They won’t change… EVER. Take back your power and your life….. PLEASE…. do it for you, I can guarantee you won’t regret it. 😉


  2. denise

    tela . yours is a fantastic site. and im sorry i am not as eloquent as you are. it makes me so so angry that these
    fuckwits destroy with impuninity. surely there is some sort of commitment programme for such disordered people?


    • Tela

      Thank you Denise for your comment. Yes, it is very easy to be angry at the ‘fuckwits’ and how they methodically mentally and emotionally abuse, destroy and toss aside. Sadly, there is no such Programme, Therapy, Medication, Fairy Dust for these severely sick disordered people.


  3. denise

    no. youre not nuts . all of the unmitigated shite of the narc psycho personality disordered person that smashed your world to bits, because how could you see a lunatic coming without a straight jacket, doesnt make you nuts. nine bastard years a narc psycho has tried to ruin me. i dont feel shame guilt or sympathy anymore. i see exactly what he is. and i hate his fucking guts.


  4. Phill Ferreira

    Hey 😄 great post as always … But the more this drama as you know continues the more I am starting to thing perhaps I am nuts and this is all my fault as not one person in system seems to see the logic and what is really going on ….. The more you fight the more you are labelled as the mentally ill one …. Ps hope you are doing great in the bigger scheme of things 😄


  5. kimberlyharding

    I really liked this post Tela. You eloquently state what so many of us experience. This was a good reminder to stay our own course, heal, and MOVE ON>


  6. neednpeace

    you spoke my thoughts exactly….”But do we in a crazy way enjoy the drama…a little yes and an absolute no. So what the fuck is going on.” Your articles and support FINALLY sunk in Mission accomplished!!! I sit back and ignore ignore ignore the circus. Do I still care…certainly. Difference is you’ve armed me with the knowledge and your experiences which mirror mine almost exactly, which helped me. Yet those few times when I do bite the bait or engage I ask myself the same thing you said. I tell myself, “OK you know what and who you are dealing with, yet you insist on engaging in communicating, so clearly you must like the drama and chaos it brings.” I noticed that about myself and also asked what the heck is going on? Do I enjoy the drama or feed off the thrill? I try not to spend too much time figuring it out, but instead shift my focus, set goals for myself and move forward. Too much precious time has already been wasted trying to figure out nonsense. Tela you are an angel and a blessing! Thank you!

    Liked by 1 person


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