A Healing & Informative Site About Narcissistic Sociopaths

Paralyzing Pain

When you read the word ‘paralyzing’ you probably thought in the literal sense. No, I am talking about the paralyzing emotional pain caused from being involved with a Narcissistic Sociopath.

This paralyzing pain can cause you to think irrationally, to not act normally, especially from panic or fear. Because a Sociopath has such an mental and emotional hold over you, they threaten you , if you dare expose them for the sick/evil individuals they are. The paralyzing pain is also caused by the truth as it is now coming to you about the person you were with. Maybe you have found out how much cheating they were doing behind your back, you can recall moments when words and actions did not match. Maybe you even set them up to catch them in a lie~ yet they still straight face lied to you. Paralyzing pain! Now all of the lies, manipulation that was silently done to you is coming to light, paralyzing pain!  You have discovered a deceptive sick sexual addictive side to the Sociopath~paralyzing pain. You question yourself, ‘what did I do to deserve this?’, NOTHING! If you have a child or children together and they simply refuse to pay child support or follow court order’s this is called THE PAWNSThe Sociopath could care less about the children, same way they had no care for you~ paralyzing pain. 

Day in and day out your thoughts are consumed with the ‘why’s’, ‘how could this person do  this to me’, ‘why did I invest so much into a hollow/empty/vile individual’, why can’t I let go??? Paralyzing pain. You cannot let go because you have no closure. You hurt beyond any hurt you have ever experienced, you want answers. Nothing, absolutely nothing makes sense to you! You try {and sometimes fail} at NO CONTACT because you invested so much mentally & emotionally to the Sociopath, you think “Okay, they have finally changed and the relationship will be ‘normal'”. There is absolutely nothing normal about a Sociopath. And when you accept that, more paralyzing pain. You find it next to impossible to get through each day, all you want to do is hide in your home, hide from the pain. But you cannot. You are now on the emotional roller coaster of Hell and trying to ESCAPE THE NOISE It truly is the most difficult thing you will ever recover from in your life. There is never closure, you have to learn to love yourself again, build your self-esteem and learn to eventually let go. I know your thinking “there is no way I can ever let go of what I went through”. YES! You can, and you must. Or you will spend the rest of your life in the paralyzing pain wasting day after day thinking of a person who could care less about you. Yes, harsh words to read, but that is the reality of a Sociopath.

Embrace the barrage of emotions you are experiencing right now! The hurt, the anger, disappointment, disgust, hatred, missing them, wanting REVENGEwanting to see their make-believe disgusting world come crashing down around them, back to deep, deep hurt. It’s a vicious cycle of grief you are going through, but you have to do it. And please know, you are not alone!!!! There are thousands of people who are right where you are in the paralyzing pain. And I can promise you, one day, you will learn to stand up and move forward. It will take a very long time, but you will do it!

“We feel angry and embarrassed when we are sucked in by someone who lies and manipulates. We resent the time, energy and love we offered them in good faith because it was all for nothing. They don’t even appreciate what they took from us because it is never enough for them. Once we see through them, they search for a new victim and we can’t even give out a warning because the liar is so good at what they do – they do it all the time. We can only watch and wait and hope that, eventually, they move along far enough that we don’t feel or see the effects of their lies any more. There is no cure for these people and if there was they wouldn’t take it. They love the control their lies give them, they love the attention and will do anything to keep it.”   barbourne northwick

©SociopathLife.Com

12 Responses to “Paralyzing Pain”

  1. ellie

    i got to a point of my head felt so much pressure i felt a pressure in my headache whilst he was repeating all the same stuff over n over fasster n faster … that i became worn by him this night , that id became unsure of my sanity ready to actually commit myself to assylum or suicide i know he has conditioned me now after reading thousands of similar stories so after a multi tude of self help speaking to my friend and l once i felt a bit clearer on things ….i researched a little to find some self preserve i felt i needed ito know what i was up against to save myself …so quickly my decision to was I tried go all grey rock on him( the last time i saw him physically )) and think it worked against me .. he got very comfy that night his mask he didnt wear at all..he full on repeated sentances that could only be discribed weird a fuck !! his random laughing he was acting like a real MAD MAN ( possibly all part of my conditioning )?
    his random from no where , statements of what are you saying that for and he was his unstable look in his eyes …really worried me but i tried to remain calm so i acted all zombie ish i pretended he had a zombie brained loony girkfriend who had set out to make me and then i seen his real personality … that like he was proud of who is he started shouting and was very enraged!!!! …….he not shown this one before and it was terrifying how very shocking and frightening he was i wanted to crumble and shiver !!! i think i went into shock …I got to the I did a im so sorry baby,, begging his forgiveness still knowing he was wrong not mw still knowing he was so unpredictable i felt i was in danger … i make u this way and cried and told him i hadnt meant to and how i was so awful sheer panic made me admit all this as it was too much!! to handle that night , i finally hated him yet i was devastated at being so right about who is the sicko game playimg head fucker he was !!! …the morning after r id woken up feeling violated and hurt yet head fucked and abused again!!!
    soI waited for him to be at home when i felt i was safer ………..I rang him, i used the im no good for u routine and how i was atotal bitch he deserved better … we both agreed and that he was the injured party and i was awful …hope he believes me …Anything i would of agreed with him at that point !!! i knew i had enough then if i had to just keep him calm i would of thru sheer fear exhaution and pity !!! ….that was 3 months ago in november
    that was far from the end of us i was serious he seen my different reaction knew i was serious and felt he must win me back so since then he tried to phone sev me … make me jelous ,,,, odd texts back n forth his n mine both still ln the routine or game …… ..i felt i was all good that i had now get my shit back together but whoops there i go again ….believing that keep my enemy close was best daftly plus i felt bad ignoring him too …all the old emoitions were back with just a text from him ,, the dance i did for him was back ….i knew and …yet i gave in to it i rang him ( WHY WHY WHY ) i no longer need to know
    ,,his change of mask , change of tact was new
    it scared me and it left chill me plus felt strong again to say no to him ,,, I felt a bit of guilt maybe he wasnt so bad … i hoped i was wrong needed the fear to go ….not a fear of being alone a fear of what he may do next felt so uneased what might happen if i ignored him …i let all this pass though it tensed me … all of a sudden I felt a intense of needing him in my life and i knew i shouldnt but I couldnt help it again confusion had returned then or all of above reasons i) i stupidly got in touch first due to text saying if i met someone he was never goin to bother me again …random ness again !!!! he not remorseful or sorry or in love !!!!!!!!!!!!!
    … ..i got his horrible attitude again and felt anxiety hit my body like it was bring crushed in my bones crippled with fear ,,,,, .i just thought no enough is enough
    ….. ok with me? nice ? loves me ? haha i must be stupid if anything i know no i was right soon as i didnt throw myself at him …and once i let him down gently with no to his date offer and i wasnt all i needy doe eyed n in awe of him …. i never told him i want need or love him… … didnt get his own way …..hes horrible and wont ever be real with feelings sillyly thought maybe it is me ……possibly for proof i am sane though after him i dunno how due to his conditioning ? all the text book things his isnt pretending to be either he is no longer wearing his mask In my opinion he knows im aware of who is really …his fake ** im nice n innocent and wouldnt hurt anyones feelings mask ) i see , hes not botherd now he knows hes got away with it with me and knows he doesnt have to hide it !!!!!!!!!!!!!! .(..well not from me anyway !! .i dont find his behaviour or his evilness funny or except it now …. but i do find him transparrent with his same old dance i know it so well!!! im aware of the upset and closure isnt possible from his end i know what hes capable of so far …dont care now i hope whoevers next stays safe ….not my problem anymore
    .I have again called it a day told him best to go separate ways… i explained that I was different now and I wasnt going to be in a unhealthy relationship or treated badly anymore by him or anyone else ….then of .course he said >>you mean the way you treated me …all the things you always say …blah blah blah all ive heard b4
    so .then i replied ……………yes its good then!!! nice n calm and cool like yer u r right john …he used a quiet a menacing tone ( also familiar )i heard before from a attempt to keep my attentsion .. he replied what did you say!!! …I repeated loud and clear as i could …I SAID!!! Its good that we finally agree !!! this doesnt work because of me youre right im sorry i fucked us up …praying and .im hope he thinks he won!!!!
    i know in a way he has but i dont care about that anyomore i guess he killed my spirit but i found a new one …im no longer laying down im good to be left and hopeful thats the end …advice on getting thru this part ? almost landed me in a complete mess agin til i took meditated and calmed as much as poss
    im trying to stay strong today but its hard …. he just makes me feel so physically and the flashbacks of all he did , its no good for me when im in touch with him …its sad that victims are silenced by many dirty tricks these predatory people use agreed most of the knowledge we gather is wonderful
    knowledge is power after all but if intent on destruction surely but sadly
    for both victim and abuser !!!!
    currently , in fear that hes unbalanced , too unpredictable plus ticks all boxes in physco, sociopath narcasistic traits ….help please ….
    theres lots more to my story i wish there was a telephone number i could call
    as id be here all week typing plus this feeling of afaraid i have making me panic type too !!
    really i hope i am the only person ever !!! to gone thru this
    if im not the only one then i hope this might help another ….. i just a bit scared and very anxious of whats next from him …any advice hope this makes sense …..i tend to babble type when im stressed xx

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    • Tela

      Thank you NotMe2014 for your comment. This is why we experience this Paralyzing Pain as, we have loved before, maybe some have been married before, yet never encountered such an evil, dark person. And how? why? can ONE person absolutely break you? The more they pull away, the more will try and pull them back in. The more they ‘push’, the less we say to avoid another verbal warfare. And some think they can “LOVE THE SOCIOPATH RIGHT”. There is not enough, love, compassion, selling your soul to them to make them ‘right’. The daily emotional crazy-train , truly does make you feel as if you are/were the crazy one. I know this has been a difficult recovery/healing and letting go. But yet look, 5 MONTHS of no contact~ 5! Before you couldn’t make it 5 minutes. 😀 it takes a lot of determination, finding that inner strength deep within you to say “I’m DONE being abused. I’m DONE being lied to, cheated on. I no longer want to hear the sincere I’m sorry’s” As a Sociopath does not know what sorry is!

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  2. secretangel

    Awesome post. “Paralyzing pain” is what many victims of abuse suffer which keeps them frozen in an “inactive” state. This pain is so hard to describe unless you have been there and experienced it.

    Liked by 1 person

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  3. Lisa

    Hi Taela,

    It’s been 3 months since I emailed you and I just wanted to say a very big THANKYOU!!!
    Finding your post by chance and reading it over and over again, helped me tremendously. I honestly thought there for a while that I was going crazy…. I know now that I am not and never was.

    I haven’t heard form S (my sociopath) in 2 months and I myself am still on no contact. I am healed as when I tell my story, I no longer feel that intense pain. I no longer shed tears over her! I look back now and just think I should have walked out on the friendship a long time ago. But it was like I was hypnotised with her crocodile tears each and every time I tried to walk: the guilt I felt in me if I did and the sorry I felt for her, made me stay… My anger in myself for not seeing the signs earlier has gone because I’ve come to realise that her manipulation was too great for me to win over at the time. Looking back and going over things, there were so many lies that I don’t even know what was real from her… and you know what? I really don’t care anymore. Sociopaths are animals that do not deserve humans like us: we love, we care, we are real, genuine and true… We are happy with ourselves and do not feel the need to gain power by destroying and using other human beings.
    I now see what I went through with S as a compliment in a sense – she picked me because I have and am everything she wants and wants to be.. I’m a good person with a good heart, and even though I was broken there for a little bit, she did not destroy me completely and I will not ever let her defy me or my actions in the future.

    Don’t get me wrong.. I still have days where my emotions come back and I’m left asking again WHY? But I’ve come to realise and in turn accept, that its all because she is a sociopath. A pathological liar. A master manipulator… An illusion. That helps me as right there are my answers: it was all a lie for her benefit.

    So thankyou Taela. You have no idea how much your post, your emails and your reassurance to me that I was not crazy, helped me heal. At the time, I would never have believed, but “no contact” really is the key to unlock that door to being healed.

    All the best and thankyou again.
    L

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  4. notme2014

    Been 5 months and two days of NC. The pain is not so paralyzing anymore…but I still have those.. “What if”… ” too bad”…”if only” moments…maybe he’ll change…maybe he’ll get better…moments…then I cry it out and move on…hes so broken.. But i believe he doesn’t mind being broken. Paralyzing pain?? You bet!! But it gets easier.

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  5. Jenna

    Great Article Tela. Paralyzing pain in exactly what I live with daily. Tomorrow is one year post discard and it is a very slow healing process. Sure wish I could just shut off the brain most days. It’s wearing me out. Jenna

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  6. Ruby

    This is where I am right now and I just want it to be over. I don’t want to even be around him anymore but I feel like I’ve been physically beaten. I just want to stop thinking about it. I want the pain to stop. I want to be past this. I can’t focus, I can’t breathe, I feel like a zombie. I tell myself to be kind to myself, that this will pass, to take care of myself, and I feel like I’m in a daze. We were together for 18 years. And he has no remorse. None. Has simply moved on to the next victim (fourth in a series, the past three were kept secret), literally told me that I was crazy, (not for the first time) and when he did admit wrong, it was my fault that he did wrong.

    I just want it to stop. I want off the rollercoaster. The worse part is when I actually MISS him. What? I wish I could burn him from my mind. And as bad as it may be, when I start to wish him bad things, failure, heartbreak, emotional pain, I refuse to feel guilty about thinking that. I’m not the kind of person that wishes bad on people, and when I first had those thoughts, I felt guilty that I could wish bad on someone. I don’t feel guilty about it anymore. I speak the thoughts and just let them out so they will go away. I understand where they are coming from and I understand I cannot hold them in. I just don’t understand why. And I also understand that there are no answers. I just have to move on. I just wish the pain would away.

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    • Tela

      Ruby, I know you want the pain just to be over. Like every wound it takes time. When you said ‘when he did admit wrong, it was your fault’…of course. Typical Sociopath! There is a term for that which I’m sure you have heard; Gaslighting, you can read that HERE. And because the ex will not take accountability for anything ever done {terminal adolescense}, you are left in this paralyzing pain.. It truly hurts deep to the core.
      You ‘miss him’, actually, you miss the ‘him’ that never existed. You don’t miss the pathological cheating liar, you don’t miss the blame shifting, you don’t miss his ability to dismiss you from his life like yesterday’s garbage. So what is it that you actually miss?
      There is no reason to feel guilt, shame, or wish bad things. That is a humans natural emotional thought process when they have been horrifically hurt. That is a defense mechanism, and does not define who you are. The pain will go away, Slowly, very slowly. However you do have the ability to start letting it go, a little at a time. Don’t be hard on yourself. You invested 18 years of your life into a person you truly did not know. And you think “how could this walking/talking/breathing human be so cruel”. To understand that, you have to understand the convoluted/distorted thought process they live in daily.

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      • Ruby

        Thank you for responding. I don’t really have anyone to talk to because they don’t understand. I really don’t really understand, either, why I believed for so long. I always thought of myself as a strong person, and I feel like I gave my strength away, and I don’t know why. I really did love, Tela, I just loved something that wasn’t real. Just wish it hadn’t taken me so long to see that. I feel like such a pathetic fool. And I’m trying so hard not to hate him. I understand that my “hate” is anger and hurt; I just want the negative feelings to go. I wish I could jump forward in time. Again, thanks so much for responding.

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      • Tela

        You still are a strong person, how do you think you have managed this long? It’s okay to have those feelings of ‘hate’. You ‘hate’ what he did to you, your life, your dreams. You ‘hate’ the person he created in you. Your not the only person Ruby who was in a marriage and/or relationship for YEARS before they finally had enough, saw figured out their partner is a sick individual and thrives on pathological lying and manipulation~ all for a means to an end for THEM. I received this email today, and it made me think of you. This person was where you are currently at:

        Sent: Monday, October 19, 2015 at 9:26 PM
        From: “L*** ”
        To: “Taela Hill”
        Subject: RE: victim of NPD
        Hi Taela,

        It’s been 3 months since I emailed you and I just wanted to say a very big THANKYOU!!!
        Finding your post by chance and reading it over and over again, helped me tremendously. I honestly thought there for a while that I was going crazy…. I know now that I am not and never was.

        I haven’t heard form Sarah in 2 months and I myself am still on no contact. I am healed as when I tell my story, I no longer feel that intense pain. I no longer shed tears over her! I look back now and just think I should have walked out on the friendship a long time ago. But it was like I was hypnotized with her crocodile tears each and every time I tried to walk: the guilt I felt in me if I did and the sorry I felt for her, made me stay… My anger in myself for not seeing the signs earlier has gone because I’ve come to realise that her manipulation was too great for me to win over at the time. Looking back and going over things, there were so many lies that I don’t even know what was real from her… and you know what? I really don’t care anymore. Sociopaths are animals that do not deserve humans like us: we love, we care, we are real, genuine and true… We are happy with ourselves and do not feel the need to gain power by destroying and using other human beings.
        I now see what I went through with Sarah as a compliment in a sense – she picked me because I have and am everything she wants and wants to be.. I’m a good person with a good heart, and even though I was broken there for a little bit, she did not destroy be completely and I will not ever let her defy me or my actions in the future.

        Don’t get me wrong.. I still have days where my emotions come back and I’m left asking again WHY? But I’ve come to realise and in turn accept, that its all because she is a sociopath. A pathological liar. A master manipulator… An illusion. That helps me as right there are my answers: it was all a lie for her benefit.

        So thank you Taela. You have no idea how much your post, your emails and your reassurance to me that I was not crazy, helped me heal. At the time, I would never have believed, but “no contact” really is the key to unlock that door to being healed.

        All the best and thank you again.
        Lisa

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