A Healing & Informative Site About Narcissistic Sociopaths

The Heart of the Matter


What truly is the Heart of the Matter when you are involved with, or apart from a Sociopath? What answers are you seeking? What is the number one most painful emotion you are feeling this very moment?
We have established so many character traits/personality traits i.e. Pathological Liar, Cheater, Blame Shift, Toxic Poison, the ‘masks’ they hide behind {especially Female Sociopaths}. The way they so easily just disappear, only to reappear and act as though nothing happened!  and So why is it you just simply cannot get over this horrific pain? Why is it ONE person in your entire life has created a living nightmare? How did this happen?
These 2 statements I’m going to write, I want you to write them down & DAILY remind yourself of these:
Sure, you want to believe their lies! You want too fool yourself into thinking ‘okay, they finally have their shit together and we will live happily-ever-after’. You obsess day and night over and over and over some more about them. Trying to make sense of how someone can and IS so cruel! You beg yourself to stop the pain. Maybe you beg God to make it ‘all go away’. But that is the wrong thought process.
You have to go all the way back to day one, when you first met the Sociopath! {Read this article} Think back- nobody up to that point in your life made you feel so ‘loved’, so compatible, so many happy times/beautiful memories made. No one gave you the ‘high’ as the Sociopath did.  So, where did that person go? They haven’t ‘gone’ anywhere. It’s the ability to love bomb you basically to death, to drawn you into their world of pure toxic HELL. So go back to day one, as if a puzzle spread out on your table. Take those pieces {lies, happy memories, deception, forgiveness, disappearing, guilt gifts, nasty hurtful words said to you, lies after lies, affairs, actions not matching words, cruel words said to break your self-esteem, make-up sex, more cruel words etc} and start piecing all that together. You will find, your ‘face’ is not on that puzzle, only the Sociopaths as you were an innocent person sucked into the most unimaginable horrible relationship.
You have a yearning- undefined. What is that yearning? The yearning is simply WHY??????” Why did they do this to me? How could I have been treated so horribly? WHY doesn’t the Sociopath understand how much I Love/Loved them? WHY did I give sooooo much, with sooooo little in return? Why hasn’t the Sociopath contacted me? WHY do they appear to be so happy with their new partner? Are they REALLY a Sociopath? Maybe it was me?”
NO! It was not you! NO! You could not have ‘loved the Sociopath enough’. Their ability to inillate your head and heart is what they do to every single person they are involved with. Be it family members, co-workers ‘friends’ {we know they do not have long term friends}, intimate partner’s. Think about this; every single thing that ever went wrong in their life was because of someone else or ‘their childhood’ or ‘previous abuse’ or whatever lie excuse they came up with to prey on your sympathy!! 90% of the time, all of the ‘sad stories’  told to someone by a Sociopath turn out to be pure fictional lies!
So how do you recover? How do you get your life back on track? As I said, go back to day one, read RED FLAGSand then read DISCOUNTSYou will then be able to ‘see’ the pattern of the Toxic relationship, and how YOU always had to be the forgiving one, YOU always had to make amends, YOU always had to put their needs before your own. NOW, it is upmost important to start putting your mental health needs first & foremost. YES! You miss the Sociopath like crazy. YES! You want to think “well…………maybe they are not a Sociopath/Psychopath, well………..maybe if I just give them some space they will come back”. Unless you want to continue the life you had with them, then keep thinking those last 2 thoughts and live in HELL. And if you are reading my website, you know, there is/was something  truly wrong with the person you are/were with.

Don’t dwell on what went wrong. Instead, focus on what to do next. Spend your energies on moving forward toward finding the answer.   denis waitley




16 Responses to “The Heart of the Matter”

  1. Hayden

    Another great article Tela!

    Leslie, Tela is better qualified to comment on this – but I’m not sure you cant turn into one of those evil pieces of shit just by having a lot to do with them?

    I guess I reason that I have already wasted a portion of my life on the SP that brought me to this website, and if we all sit back as life passes us by – we are simply wasting time with them and they suck the life out of us and anyone they can get their tentacles into!

    I turn my mind to how much time I’ve wasted and it pales into insignificance compared to some of the poor souls I read about on this site. Don’t let it be you!


    • Tela

      Hayden, you are correct! You cannot turn into a Sociopath simply by having a relationship/association with them. A Sociopath is NOT born a Sociopath, but they develop their ASPD in their formative years i.e. learned behaviour etc.
      You have done a great job in overcoming the massive mental & emotional abuse done to you by the Ex Female Sociopath. She is truly, TRULY a dangerous woman. Thank you for your comment! ❤


      • Hayden

        Tela, couldn’t have done it without you – you know that 🙂
        Forever thankful and as you know ongoing spot fires still need to be put out from time to time!


      • Tela

        You had to be the one to finally say ‘enough is enough’. Enough wasted years, enough wasted mental exhaustion, enough of listening to lie after lie after lie. Enough of her trying to ‘one-up’ you. Keep putting out those spot fires! I’ve said it to you before and will say it again, I truly am so proud of you! I remember our first conversation and now where you are today! Stay strong in Kanga-Land! ❤


  2. Leslie

    Thank you so much for this – I needed to read it.

    I liken my experience to one of becoming involved with a vampire – they mesmerize you, suck your blood, then turn you into one of them.

    I met my “vampire” 25 years ago. I have never been more instantly or completely drawn to anyone in my life. I was happily married but could not resist spending time with him. When away from him I would draw lines in the sand then blithely cross over them the instant I saw him. In an effort to save my marriage I came clean to my husband and cut off contact completely. Until about a year ago when we reconnected.

    I was going through a very rough patch in my marriage and there he was. It started off innocently enough but soon the emails, texts, and phone calls became more and more intimate. (We live 3,000 miles away from each other and thankfully never could arrange to be in the same place at the same time.) And I started to become someone I could hardly recognize. I was lying to my husband and to him. I became more and more devious – I even got a second phone and email address. I cancelled social engagements with friends and family, I neglected my work (which I love), spent money I should not have, and I started to become the woman I perceived he wanted me to be. I worried that I had become a sociopath myself. I became a liar, a cheater, and a person who was hurting people I love.

    With no contact I am starting to feel more like myself and am horrified at my previous behavior.


  3. Santaland

    Welcome back Tela, and thank you for this article….yes, yes and yes…you understand, you have been there and thank you for giving your support to us….yes the fools who were fooled into this false relationship….good article, sound advice and on the mark.


    • Tela

      Thank you SantaLand. I’m recovering nicely from surgery. I have missed posting on my website and reading other’s comments and stories. You all are apart of my extended family! love & hugs ❤


  4. Michele Kaywood

    Your articles are so spot on….by far the most healing website I have found. 17 months no contact and still have those moments I blame myself. Thank you for helping me gain perspective…


    • Santaland

      Michele, I too have those moments…and I am more or less the same amount of time out of the ‘washing machine’ cycles. I too blame myself for being so stupidly vulnerable and letting such a person in and close to me. Mine was female. They say that these types can fell anyone (for a while) until the mask slips…but as Tela has said, poison and it really gets to you…scars will be forever. Triggers who knows, but those moments are still there.


    • Tela

      Thank you Michele. It’s okay to have those ‘It Moment’s” as I’ve said, just don’t unpack and live in them!
      I’m glad you find my website helpful. I write with sometimes a bit brutal honesty, but why sugar-coat someone so ugly {Sociopath}? Keep reading, keep educating yourself…….and congratulations on the 17 months of No Contact. Please share with other’s how you have managed to do that. Thank you again!



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