A Healing & Informative Site About Narcissistic Sociopaths

The Land of Denial

So here you are, landed on my website. Maybe you used search terms such as pathological liar, manipulation, could my wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend be a sociopath or psychopath, sexual promiscuity, parental alienation, co-parenting with a sociopath, narcissist, why is my partner a liar, one of my family members is involved with a Sociopath how do we get the away? etc. 

Since you are searching the web for answers to the many, many questions you have about the relationship you are either in with a Sociopath, or has ended, you find yourself going into The Land of Denial. You just cannot comprehend how a person you loved, you gave EVERY bit of your being to, has basically just tossed you aside as if the (x) amount of months or years you spent with them were nothing but a pure lie. Yes! That time was nothing but pure deceit, pathological lying, gas lighting , blame shifting, emotional manipulation, mental abuse, the Sociopath living a dual life and so on. HOW? WHY?

The most simple answer for the HOW and WHY is a Sociopath has what’s called Cognitive Dissonance. “Cognitive dissonance can occur in many areas of life, but it is particularly evident in situations where an individual’s behavior conflicts with beliefs that are integral to his or her self-identity”. The state of having inconsistent thoughts, beliefs, or attitudes, especially as relating to behavioral decisions and attitude changes. One minute the Sociopath tells you “I love you more than any person ever in my life”, the next minute ‘you are the worst person they have ever encountered.’

You replay over and over and over some more in your head the relationship, and with the replay, you find yourself going into The Land of Denial. “Maybe I am the one with the problem(s), maybe I should have been more forgiving, maybe I shouldn’t have said xyz,” Then back to, ‘no, they are the one’s who are fucked up, they are the one who verbally abused me and lied straight faced to me. The most horrific mental manipulation that has ever happened to you.’ Then back to The Land of Denial. You think because (x) number of day’s or months have passed that the Sociopath has change! NO!!!! So your back in The Land of Denial.  You have tried……and failed NO CONTACT , thinking that given the amount of time that had passed the ex will be happy to hear from you…here we go, back into The Land of Denial.

Your head and heart are NOT on the same page. You can tell yourself a million times that ‘it is not me with the problems’, yet your heart aches for them. You can barely function on a day to day basis, you crave them, you so want to believe that the relationship truly was not with a Sociopath…..The Land of Denial. You can be so angry one minute, and then a broken down emotional crying mess the next minute. The roller coaster of emotions literally makes you sick! I wrote an article title Red Flags, you can read that HERE.  When you get to a mental and emotional state of mind, that you can step back from the mental chaos and read that article, the HOW and WHY will make a bit more sense. Also, understanding the Cognitive Dissonance that EVERY Sociopath has with help to keep you out of The Land of Denial. 

Trying to reason with, or explain to the Sociopath, or confront them about their pathological lies, the number of times they cheated on you, the inability to take ZERO accountability for their actions, will only throw you back into The Land of Denial. Stop the TRAUMA BONDstop drinking their SOCIOPATH POISON!  Getting over a Sociopath will be one of the hardest things you ever go through in your life. Read! Educate yourself, seek help, therapy, but do not step into The Land of Denial. 

I DON’T UNDERSTAND YOUR SPECIFIC KIND OF CRAZY……BUT I DO ADMIRE YOUR TOTAL COMMITMENT TO IT.

©SociopathLife.com

49 Responses to “The Land of Denial”

  1. Santaland

    Tela, if you can, please take neednpeace’s text message sent to her (posted August 24 above) and do your quick responses as to what they are really saying between the lines.

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    • Tela

      SantaLand- I am out of the office until tomorrow. I will certainly reply to NeedNPeace text she received! I read the text and in a ‘normal’ persons mind, we can certainly ‘see’ all the bullshit in his text. Much love to all of you!

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    • neednpeace

      Santaland,
      Thank you for your concern. I think I get it. Really I’ve been reading articles on this site again. Trying to make myself GET IT. He’s killing me with kindness because he’s setting me up for something. I don’t want to believe it but I feel it. A gut wrenching feeling. I tested him to see if he would blow up as he normally does when I express myself. No matter what I say or do he’s still sweet and loving. Totally not the norm at all for him. If he already had another source he would have easily told me to get lost. He must be tapped out at the moment. He tells me he still loves me and wants it to work this time, no matter what. Yeah right.. I got the call this morning that I think sheds the light on things. He has been hit with something that will destroy him financially. He cant afford to pay rent and live so he either has to live with someone (wont be me) or find a roommate (wont be me). He knows I will not help him financially anymore after screwing me over numerous times. Currently all he is asking of me is to help him find part time work if I can find the time. That’s it? He said he will never ask me for money because I’ve helped him more than enough. He will figure it out on his own.This is NOT the NORM for him at all. He’s too calm and has yet to ask me for anything but support emotionally and to not add to his stress., but be patient and give him time to fix things. He just wants me to be there that’s it? My mind is telling me this is a set up, yet I keep still thinking this is new, what is he really up to? He’s never taken this approach before. He still tries the pet names and the sweet texts, but he knows he cant charm me like that anymore. I know he’s going all in because I’m clearly his last resort. He isn’t preparing to give me the love I deserve, he’s broke and he’s about to take me for the ride of my life if I let him.

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      • Santaland

        Reread your input…you are getting it…yes he is using you, socio’s always use people and then come crawling back to safety, until they are ready to start the cycle again…yep the proverbial washing machine cycle…Go no contact, just do it, do not respond, do not do anything…not sure what type he is excaclty, yet they all have the same traits no matter which country they are from or what continent they are on. You will see, the mask will slip again soon, then it will be your fault for not helping him, guiding him, loving him, hence the mask slipped. No contact! Basta.

        Liked by 1 person

      • neednpeace

        Thank you!!! It doesn’t feel good, but I would rather protect myself from any further damage. The calls have been rolling in all morning. I had to block him or I KNOW Me. I’d easily give in, feel sympathetic and offer to help without him asking.I’m getting there slowly but surely. 😉

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      • Santaland

        neednpeace, I read what you say, am trying to understand the dynamics of him and you….you say getting there slowly but surely. Please listen to your gut, your mind will play games with you i.e. perhaps now, what if, maybe he is right, am I being too ….. etc. This is Cog Dis. coupled with your own heart having words…so listen to your gut….sort of like when you walk down the road, something is not right, your instincts, your gut is kicking in, your mind may tell you turn and walk the opposite direction, or then again it might play a game with you e.g. Oh neednpeace stop being so paranoid, all is good keep on walking…yet your gut is saying turn and run.

        I do not even know if I am making sense at this point. But run for the hills and never look back because if he is a full fledged sociopath…well they are hit-and-run drivers, cowards and dishonest. No contact, become boring should you meet face-to-face, change subject often and keep busy…

        Liked by 1 person

      • neednpeace

        Santaland,
        I myself don’t understand the dynamics of things between the two of us. He made it a point to find me to pour out his heart about how he wants to be able to do for me, admit he’s a loser and a crappy individual, and now he is financially ruined and cant even fend for himself nor take care of himself. Blah blah blah.. I offered no support or help & remained silent. I was unmoved especially since I had just finished reading your message to me before he showed up. 🙂 He has threatened to disappear since no one cares. (yeah and he’s threated suicide many times as well…sigh) He told me not to be surprised if he vanishes and I cant reach him anymore. Honestly I hope and pray he does disappear. For everyone’s sake. Sorry, but that’s how I feel. A major weight will be lifted…Not sure sometimes if he is or is not a Sociopath, but I do know something isn’t right so at this point it really doesn’t matter what he is anymore. All his dramatics have given me a headache. Its gotten really old. Yes his tactics are new, different, but I still smell a rat. I’m going with my gut this time. Sending a BIG HUG your way. Thank you…This type of thing is draining…geeesshhhhh…

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      • Santaland

        neednpeace, thanks for the hug….may I suggest you read up on Borderline Personality Disorder…those types tend to threaten suicide to garner attention, otherwise they simply do all the same as a sociopath. When Tela is back she can give you my direct email. Also if you want to read just a tiny bit of what happened to me, see Sharing Page and read SocioInka….that was sort of a mild weekend…and hope you never endure any more of their shenanigans.

        Liked by 1 person

      • neednpeace

        Santaland,
        I read what happened to you on the Sharing Page. I am happy for you that you are out of that nightmare. Your story and others gives me hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I just have to take the first step…NC

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    • Santaland

      neednpeace,
      Due to the fact that Tela is unavailable….I want to respond to this…the message you got and what it really meant:
      “I do know what I have and I don’t want to lose it. REALLY, THEN WHY DID YOU DO WHAT YOU DID/DO IN THE FIRST PLACE? iF YOU REALLY KNEW THEN WHY DESTROY IT? TOTAL BULLSHIT. I will do whatever you require whatever it takes to make everything right. YEP AM FINANCIALLY DESTROYED, NEED YOU TO COVER FOR ME, TAKE CARE OF MY NEEDS (WHICH YOU WILL REGRET) AND THIS IS JUST A TEMPORARY ‘GET OUT OF JAIL CARD’, UNTIL AM BACK ON MY FEET. I want to be the man you deserve. WHICH IS SOMEONE WHO LIES, CHEATS, MANIPULATES, GASLIGHTS, AND BLAMES…IS THAT WHAT i DESERVE??? A man of my word, REALLY, WHEN HAVE YOU EVER KEPT YOUR WORD? AND IF SO ONLY WHEN YOU WANTED OR NEEDED SOMETHING. no more broken promises. A REAL RELATIONSHIP IS BASED ON HONESTY, A WILLINGNESS TO GIVE, TO SHARE TO BE A PILLAR, YOUR BEST FRIEND….VERSUS WORDS LIKE THIS. Allow me to show you. ALLOW ME TO GET MY NEEDS AND I WILL DUMP YOU AND HURT YOU That’s all I’m asking. AND WHAT DID YOU ASK FOR, A DECENT RELATIONSHIP WITH AN ADULT. If I fail you will never have to deal with again. YES GIVE ME CHANCE TO DESTROY YOU MENTALLY, MANY TIMES OVER…AND THE SAY OOOPS SORRY HONEY, I MESSED UP AGAIN…WOW, SHALL WE TRY AGAIN I love you. I LOVE NOBODY EXCEPT MYSELF”

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      • neednpeace

        SantaLand
        You breaking down his texts comes right on time. I did email Taela, I had a meltdown at work or all places. I’m so pissed at myself and she coached me thru that rough spot. I finally snapped on him last night. I was having chest pains and stressed to the max. Of course he needed me to send the ambulance to his house because he was feeling nauseous and may pass out..lol..yeah right..his drama always has to outweigh mine. Part two began today, me once again snapping..really telling him what I REALLY thought of him ..him again being the victim. Him telling me now isn’t the time he may lose his job, he’s stressed, blah blah blah blah…

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      • Santaland

        neednpeace, I will send you something to read. As for above re sending an ambulance, it that not sort of bureaucratic??? Hi am having chest pains, can you ask the neighbor’s neighbor to call their best friend’s friend and tell them am having chest pains so an ambulance can respond to my emergency….I’ll sit and wait until the smoke signals and jungle drums have past on the message, hope they come quickly…..BPD at its best.

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      • neednpeace

        SantaLand
        I may have explained the situation wrong. I was so stressed sick of him, that was having chest pains. I was on a phone call with him. Instead of asking if I was OK he said “I think I need an ambulance I don’t feel well.” He likes to deflect or put all the focus back on him. Him needed an ambulance was supposed to require more attention and be more serious than the chest pains I was having. Another example he was so sick yesterday but he was posting pics on social media and chatting with other women. I have never called him out. I called him out on it and asked the question, “what happened to you wanting to be a better man, the man I deserve?” He deflected and wanted to talk about how his finances are a mess, he has no food to eat, he’s a bad dad. Notice never acknowledging what I sad. I told him he couldn’t be too stressed if he had time for social media, he in turn replied I was adding to his stress. Yep you guessed it so now he’s soooooo sick again and not feeling well. But yet he was well enough to AGAIN post on Social Media…I’m supposed to feel sorry for him and be moved, but I’m not.

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  2. Who Am I?

    Of all the websites I have scoured and read in 15 months this one relates to what I actually went through the most. THANK YOU! 10 Years wasted and left horribly broken. I definitely don’t know who he is but the problem is I have no idea who I am anymore. Finding me is absolutely the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I feel like I’m out there flopping around and have yet to find my purpose…..I will keep reading.

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  3. Hayden

    They are hard to shake these sociopaths, don’t get me wrong. Tela knows my story and I’ve made mistakes on re engaging (or letting back in).

    However, there is no way to excuse making contact or re initiating with them when you are trying to go no contact. Other than you made a mistake and you try to learn from that mistake. We can all justify it, but deep down we know we made a mistake. Many people on many forums always try and justify it. We know when we’ve stuffed up and lost power – no amount of justification will change that.

    There is no scientific answer as to why you did it and why “you’re such a great person” who puts up with these people. Its an addiction to them. Those that have been through it, get it.

    The trauma bonding and us wanting the energy that we received from them initially. But at what cost? That poison burns a lot harder and longer than the momentary high we get from them when they pay us a compliment or get into bed with us.

    I’m winning my battle. I wont say I’ve won just yet. Just keep practicing the good advice you get from these forums and eventually it will fall into place.

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    • flowersfromapsycho

      Hayden, that’s so interesting that you mention that we want all that energy we got from them at first. I wonder if they set us up to reciprocate that energy so they have a “feed” source for life. The DO invest a lot of energy at the beginning…

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      • Tela

        FlowersFromAPsycho, yes a Sociopath does and always will put forth a LOT of ‘energy’ effort into sucking you into their world. This is where the RED FLAGS are waving straight in your face, but the Sociopath makes sure to move the relationship quickly. Tells you all the wonderful things about yourself, how horrible their life was prior to you. The sex? You are ‘the best they have ever been with’. Same story lines they have said to countless people before you, and countless other’s to come after you. Yes. That is the ‘energy’ they put into the relationship, it’s nothing but LIES.

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      • Santaland

        Hayden and flowersfrompsycho….the energy we give the initial stages of our journey with a predator was actually the mirror of us…STOP…think for a bit, they watch, assess, and then begin to volley with us….anything we do or say, they pick up on….this is great with a normal person….but a sicko socio predator, very dangerous. Why? Because we, in our own minds think and feel…wow where has this person been all our lives. Is this love that I have heard about and am now experiencing….sex, yes sex is from another planet with them, if you are female, they make you feel WOW (sorry am a male) and if you are a male they make you feel like WOW….in fact we become delusional, CD floats in when the shit starts happening. Am I a Freudian, perhaps a bit, am I romantic, sure, the small things in life are precious that our partners do. BUT, these types, sorry they are ADHD, they are all over the map with one agenda, themselves. They blame their mood swings on us and everything else, they break a plate….not their fault, our fault because it was wet, slippery, shitty design…wrong color, you name it they will find it.

        Don’t waste your time, remember what you encountered initially was you a mirror of you. Breaking free and moving on takes time, lots of time…took me over a year and I still have moments (see article on this). But am fine, healing from an almost slaughter. The sad part is we realize this later….time heals….whichi is bullshit, but reality….it took me over a year to figure out this…over a year, and sure I missed aspects…and still do….but no contact….

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      • neednpeace

        Santaland,
        I noticed you said it took you over a year and you are still healing. I think Im healing slowly, gradually. Still slipping up with the NC, I’m done from a relationship aspect, but still want the “fix”, the communication. The intimacy he can keep, I’m good on that. Repeating the same scenario over and over again,( its going on 3 years off and on) still hanging to this small glimmer of hope that for his sake he will change. (even though we all know that they wont change) Right now he has no one but me to turn to, so hes on his best behavior, but I know better. Eventually the true him will rear its ugly face again. Things will look up and get better for him, then discard will be coming sooner or later. Did you implement NC the entire year or are you just now getting to the point where there is NC no matter what?

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      • Tela

        NeedNPeace, he implemented No Contact when he kicked her out of his home and has maintained it since. It has been VERY, VERY HARD for him at times, but a year and half later he knows that was the best and only way to be able to move forward in his life with sane thoughts.
        By allowing yourself to hang on to a small glimmer of hope is only fooling yourself. I’m sorry, he will not, cannot and does not want to change. Remember, HE is not the one with the problem, the entire world is. To bad he doesn’t have anyone to turn to other than you. And why is that? Because he has fucked over, screwed over, and manipulated every other person in his life? What makes you think you can ‘save him’ from himself? You cannot. I’m sorry, but you cannot. All you are doing is pouring emotions into an empty person, which is keeping you in this mindset and going nowhere emotionally. LET GO OF HIM! You cannot save him!

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      • neednpeace

        Tela,

        There is nothing I can say. EVERYTHING you said is true. Over this past weekend I’ve watched him lose clients (yet again), blame his kids moms for having him on child support so now he cant live (his responsibility). All his issues are because of others not himself. One client actually called him on his BS. Said she saw through him, cursed him out and blacked his number. WOW! He was like a wounded animal the rest of the weekend. Looking to me for comfort. I couldn’t because I’m still resentful of him always abandoning me when I needed him. Its like at this point I don’t even know myself. Playing these silly ass games trying to convince myself I’ll only talk to him when I want and I am in control. Hell his own Mother doesn’t talk to him, that says ALOT. I’m afraid and of what Tela I honestly don’t know. I know he still lies and makes empty promises, although his approach to convincing me he is changing is TOTALLY different. He has been on his best behavior for almost 2 weeks, extra sweet, kind and never losing his temper as usual. He doesn’t know how or why I Loved him so much and had his back but he’s ready to return the favor and SHOW ME his love is authentic and I deserve better by him. I don’t believe it yet I still entertain the thought that maybe just maybe he will this time. I even scratch my head and think “hummmmm” maybe he is not a Sociopath, he just needs to grow up and he’s misunderstood, but I know better. See I sound like a mad woman going back and forth. Tela, everything you said is ON POINT and you don’t even know him. I felt instantly convicted in my heart because I know you are right when I read your response. I’m dancing with the devil knowing the outcome will be the same as before. My birthday is approaching in a few weeks. I don’t want to mark another birthday with him around. The last 2 birthdays were horrible. I’m getting anxious and annoyed. Part of me wants him to hurry up and screw up again so bad so I can once again go my way and he go his (temporarily). Which will give me a head start on once again implementing NC and possibly sticking to it, instead of just making the decision NOW to walk away. Cowardly act I know. I don’t know who this woman is I have become. SMH.

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  4. neednpeace

    Tela,
    I hold my head down in shame and frustration. I went back yet again, guess I havent had enough….smh..Everyone close to me is frustrated with me. You even gave me great advice, and your site is awesome yet I let him convince me he’s changed. Hes on this 40 day fast/spiritual cleanse. So far so good, but I’m feeling anxious because I see the arrogance and the manipulation coming back slowly. Its all about him and what hes going through. I need to forgive and let go of the hurt and pain because Im only hurting myself. Some days I like talking to him other days I wish he would mess up already so we can get it over with…the discard. His truths that I know to be lies annoy me, yet the battle between my head and my heart wages on. Is it a good sign that I don’t like him touching me and being near me? I’m completely turned off by him so one would think No Contact would be easy. Yet if the day goes by and I don’t hear from him I get annoyed or anxious…it’s like I have to communicate with him but just not on an intimate level. Does this make any sense? I’m going back and forth with myself..yet again wasting precious time and energy on someone I know deep down isn’t worthy of any of my time and attention. I don’t want him yet I am unable to completely let go….

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    • neednpeace

      Fyi..The comment about me forgiving and letting go was the comment he made to me..I didn’t make that clear in my original posts.

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    • Tela

      NeedPeace…..what you stated makes COMPLETE SENSE to me. Your at that transitional point, meaning, you are now truly aware of who and what he is. You are truly aware that he is and will always be a Sociopath. It’s the transitioning your heart to be on the same page as your head. NO! You don’t want him, but you may also don’t want him to be with someone else. Thinking “maybe he will be different with the next victim, woman”. NeedPeace, I promise you, he will not be any different with whomever he is with. The pathological lying, the manipulation of his words which do not even come close to his actions. Yes, you like talking to him, but that is because you are getting your ‘fix’…..remember what I said about the Sociopath Addiction? Go back and read that HERE
      This transitional state of wanting and needing to be away from him, to get closure, to start healing can and only will start with the no contact! Hold that head up HIGH!! You are strong, you can and you will do this! I’m here for you~ and you know, you are not deserving one minute of the garbage that comes out of his mouth! {{HUGS}}

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      • neednpeace

        Ohhhh the positive words…your attitude are so soothing…I keep waiting on one shred of truth…but just more lies. I do boldly call him on his lies immediately only for him to be yell scream and curse. Then I get the woe is me speech…no one’s there for him. I know he’s stressed. I know he’s getting put on child support…blah blah blah. This time I don’t feel bad…he didn’t feel bad for me when he disappeared for the 7th time for two months to be with another woman, which he denies, only to drop her and reappear hitting the reset button. You are right….I do need a fix. I feel addicted. But addicted to such an awful person? Wouldn’t that be a reflection of me and what I think I deserve? I cannot lie to you or anyone on this site. It’s hard to implement no contact with him. He is a master storyteller…it amazes me how easily he can weave a tale of lies that is so believable. Be so convincing. A great actor. Can fall out and cry on que. Always threaten suicide. You know the routine. Sounds crazy right? My friend asks why I can so easily cut off others that hurt me and never look back, but I can’t get rid of this one person who hurt me so bad…I WILL go back and read and re-read about Sociopath Addiction. I waste too much time thinking about him. I have goals, dreams, aspirations and they all came to a halt once he came into my life 3 yrs ago. During our breakup I started to chase after my dreams again. Daily, though he’s fasting/spiritually cleansing he makes comments where he is trying to isolate me from friends and family that were there for me when he wasnt. He thinks all I need is him…right, he’s about as reliable as my chances are of winning the lottery. Tela I do now question if I’m a good person sometimes. I’m loving, a nurturer, and will give anyone my last to help them. However every time something bad happens to him I’m always thinking yes yes payback. He always loses a job, gets eviction notices, loses,clients, can’t pay his bills but manages to come out on top in the end. He never stays down for long. How does he do it? To be honest I also think I’m waiting for a front row sit with popcorn to watch him fall. I know it sounds bad, but it’s how I feel. I think that’s another reason I’m holding on…..just watching…waiting…wasting precious time…Life shouldn’t serve a person like him fairly. Not trying to be evil, but it’s honestly how I feel. I don’t like him, the sound of his voice annoys me, yet I linger on…

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    • smoovness1980

      I read through your posts and hear your story. Last night I broke the weeks worth of no contact to try and get my sociopath ex girlfriends necklace back to her. Well it backfired in a huge way and makes me look to people like I’m trying to get back with her and have contact and harass her. She again looks like the innocent victim with yet just another abusive boyfriend who makes her life hard and she doesn’t deserve it. Blah blah blah. No fault of hers. She can’t understand how such bad things can happen to such a good soul. I’ve heard all this before about her past exes. All because I didn’t want to just throw her property away. Now I feel like shit because of my direct actions and it even led to a huge argument with my own mother who is pissed that I made contact with this girl again. I feel for you in many ways because I know how much it hurts to want them to feel the way we feel and hurt the way we hurt when the relationship ends. But they never will. Try to get out no matter what. It’s going to hurt a lot more and you will feel just like the rest of us do who put an end to it. But you must do it for yourself and your happiness. You deserve much more than this just as we all do who feel with our hearts and are fully capable of love. Get out of it!! The cycle won’t change. I give you a lot of points for making it work for three years. I made it a year and a half and I am an emotional wreck!!! I want so bad to have the pain end!!!

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      • Santaland

        smooveness, be honest with yourself, did you re contact because of the necklace…really…stop, think about it….or were you testing the waters, see how things are, could be, perhaps etc. And it backfired. Go figure, it always backfires, even if you do nothing it might backfire. Your mother is correct….cut your losses, try not to be the person with high morals and integrity etc….you are dealing with a snake, and it will bite no matter what.

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      • neednpeace

        Smoovness1980 my guess is our pain will end once we stop subjecting ourselves to the same nonsense. I can see I made a mistake going back because I am miserable. He is happy as a lark and pretending like all is well. All the while I am seething with anger and resentment that he thinks its just so easy to go back and pretend we are good after all the hell he put me through a few months back. To him its past because the reality is he doesn’t care. I need to tell myself that over and over. Be strong and take back your life. You sound like me trying to do the right thing. It will never be appreciated or thought of as a kind gesture unfortunately. We are the ones that determine our happiness. I woke up this morning and decided I have to try ending this ASAP. I’m giving myself a deadline and sticking to it. We are in the same place we were last year and the year before that. Its like the months and seasons are an indicator of how or where the relationship is. I know what I want in a companion and he is NONE of those things. I am sure the type person you want and desire is someone who can give you the things you so desire and deserve. The longer we waste or time and energy on them, the further away the right person is from finding us and the further we are from happiness and true peace of mind. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • smoovness1980

        I can’t agree more!!! Yes we are in the same place. I’m still stuck on this girl even though I’m committed to moving on. Sounds like she has easily moved on with lawyer boy, haha. I honestly don’t believe her but it still hurts and bothers me. Weird isn’t it? And tela is absolutely right!! It is an addiction!! Plain and simple!! And damn it’s a hard one to break. I don’t want to piss off my family by continuing to talk about her or wear my friends down with my sadness and lack of my normally fun and charming personality. And yes same for you. It’s good to feel I’m not alone. And as for the happy as a lark. Each time I gave in to my ex and let her have her way she was the same way. And if the past was ever brought up by ME it was an instance spark for a fight and her feeling she was a victim of abuse. So exhausting!!! Keep in touch. I hope you can finally break free for good. Wishing you luck

        Liked by 1 person

      • Tela

        It hurts and bother’s you to think she has moved on with someone else…..but just like when the two of you first met, she was exciting, happy, appeared ‘normal’, the chemistry the on and on and on’s about her. And then her thin veneer Sociopath mask fell off and BAM! Welcome to your life with a Sociopath! Jody~ I know your still ‘stuck on her’, your mind takes you back to the happy times, the beginning, then to the arguments, back to ‘I should have (______)’. Healing and moving forward from a Sociopath takes a very, very long time!!!! Yes, you keep telling yourself she is not the one for you, and you are correct. The reason it is so hard letting go is because you have difficulty knowing that all the time spent in the relationship with her meant absolutely NOTHING to her. Your just one in a long list of men Jody….and Lawyer boy, well, he is just going to be added to her list of victims. Who was the victim before you? Did he see her ‘move on’ with you?!?!

        Like

      • smoovness1980

        Yeah I actually had to hear about him all the time and how awful he was to her. She was on and off with him for 14 years and had two kids with him. She even had two restraining orders against him over that time. I did see his issues with my own eyes. He was very obsessed about her. He would tell their kids they were not allowed to be friends with my kids. Asked his seven year old daughter if I ever touched her on her vagina. When we went to social sports activities he would stand on his end of the field and throw eye daggers our way. He even called the cops once and said I was physically abusing my ex girlfriend. It didn’t make sense because of how she is. She would tell me how she used to serve him tea every night and was submissive to him. Her kids actually said yeah I remember when you used to do that for dad mom. She did sound stuck on the guy. But in her eyes he was the devil. I’m honestly not sure at this point how much was true but I seen his actions myself. So that one is a puzzle. Her first husband she said used to beat the shit out of her and a few of my friends actually knew her a long time ago and said she was nuts but that he did beat her. She stayed with him for 4 years. I don’t know what to say honestly but I am positive of her being a sociopath.

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      • neednpeace

        Thank you Smoovness1980. 🙂 Take comfort in KNOWING lawyer boy will be deceived and discarded in due time. One thing I did witness during my 3 year relationship was whenever he got caught or found out, he would quickly and easily discard the women like trash. I mean cut them off immediately and accuse them of trying to destroy his relationship with me. It was always them chasing him, but I knew better. I actually met one woman. She was really nice and caring (just like me), once she caught on she ran and NEVER looked back. Trust and believe you don’t want to be in that guys shoes. I used to wonder what the other women had that I didn’t. Then I begin to feel sorry for them too because they had no clue what was coming or how much of a monster he was and how easily he could act like they never existed. Which always had me convinced that they meant nothing since he threw them away so easily, however I wasn’t in the best position either because a person that truly loves you wouldn’t continue to repeatedly hurt you and disrespect you. You are better off. Thankfully you weren’t in the relationship that long, however I know it still hurts no less. Your family loves you and they want the best for you. I’m sure it hurts them to know you are hurting nor do they want to see you with someone who keeps hurting you. She doesn’t deserve you. You sound like you are on the right track and on your way. Here’s to happiness, lets take it back. 😉

        Liked by 1 person

    • Santaland

      neednpeace, many of us have gone back…we went back to perhaps prove that we are not ‘crazy’ or for lack of a better description, low self esteem, addiction etc. I did so 6 times, each time when it ended, and I did the ending when it got way out of hand.

      One thing I did note, each time the end came, the following end was not too far off in the horizon. Sure there was that moment of bliss when they returned, crying and telling how much they love and miss us. Rule of thumb, on average it takes 7 break ups to finally end it. Then the difficult journey begins. Every emotion you feel and endure. Nobody wants to listen to your story since they all ‘warned’ you and said move on.

      OK, they tried to help, saw something we did not, or perahps did…called CD which Tela has written about above.

      Go no contact, ignore them, block them and do not spy on them indirectly. Grow, and think, how can you love someone whose DNA is a lie, a joke, a mirror of smoke….you can’t. You are better off being alone than with the drama and more that comes with a sociopath.

      Liked by 2 people

      Reply
      • neednpeace

        Thank you Santaland,
        This is round # 8 and I’m spent. Mentally and emotionally tired. I don’t like him yet I want to talk to him just on my terms. I read about CD and it makes perfect sense. As I told smoovness1980 I am giving myself a deadline to severe these ties and prevent myself from going through anymore unnecessary hurt and pain. Right now its hard though. He is on his best behavior and there really isn’t anything I can say that he’s doing wrong. However I’m still pissed that he never wants to address what keeps happening to cause the breakup in the first place. Over and over again. His solution, let it go, you are preventing us from moving forward residing in your hurt and pain. Easy for him to say he wasn’t the one enduring all the BS, lies, & cheating. I’m a peaceful person but sometimes I honestly think I could snatch his head off his neck. He has even noticed the way I look at him. Its far from loving…lol. Yes things are peaceful but they normally are until going into the 2nd month. He’s staying off social media but he keeps his phone on silent when I’m around and not close by like he used to. I have never in my life felt uneasy in relationship. Ughhh. He’s doing everything I wanted. Added me to his gym membership so we can work out together (before he never wanted me to work out with him), calls me 24/7 its annoying now because I never have time to myself, except at work or if he’s working. It all sounds good but I already know in a few weeks he will be busy or too tired to talk (obvious sign there is someone else) Everything is still about him. I had an uncle pass and another uncle in the hospital. All I got was that’s too bad then he wanted to discuss all his problems and dump on me. When I said something about showing me some support he said he wasn’t responsible for their death and sickness and what did I want from him because he has his own problems. Wow! Talks about his child all the time, never asks about mine, basically acts as though mine doesn’t exist. All the same behaviors as before. I know this yet I still talk to him. Once my deadline comes if I still talk to him I’m strongly considering counseling. He isn’t worth my time nor deserving to be a part of my life. I’ve already wasted 3 yrs…He doesn’t deserve another day, another week, another month. I think I’m angrier with myself because I have all the facts yet he calls needing me and I answer. I do understand why my family and friend are frustrated. Heck I’m frustrated yet hopeful and optimistic I will be free from him completely one day soon. 🙂

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      • smoovness1980

        Reading your posts just sound so eerie and similar. A few weeks before our last big blow out that led the final break up and before I knew she was a sociopath she was sitting around acting in love. But she was cutting her friends down and getting riled up as usual with everything else unfair in her life that was no fault of hers. I was sitting there looking at her literally feeling inches away from telling her I wanted to break up. But I just couldn’t!!! She was being nice to me and that stayed my hand. I knew I wasn’t happy and I knew after the tenth time of being broken up with that it would come again. Hell we would still be together right now if I would have kept my mouth shut during our last big fight. Let her spout of and say her evil words. Hell she would say the same things to me about leaving the past in the past but that usually only pertained to me. She seemed to think she could bring it up when ever it suited her needs during a fight. And my son broke his arm and even after that she made it about how horrible she felt and she was scared from the event. Blah blah. No care for my feelings on the matter.

        Liked by 1 person

      • neednpeace

        Unfortunately Smoothness1980 all that matters truly to them is what’s in their world. They are self-centered and will never see it the way we do. No sense trying to get them to. Its wasted energy and effort. For example I have a major report due today. Instead I composed this long Dear John to him. Now I may not meet my deadline at work. Silly isn’t it..smh. The letter was pointless because he still wont get it. Again wasted time and energy. We have expectations for them to react normally, but what we have to remind ourselves is that he/she isn’t normal. Too many times I was uncomfortable hanging out with him. Wishing I was at my own home instead feeling like a prisoner even though he wasn’t holding me against my will. I think of the time, money, mileage on my car, time away from my child I wasted to be with an unworthy person. I gave some much of myself to someone so undeserving. My losing everything surely isn’t worth it. Lets look forward to the positive. Possessing self love, dignity, integrity and morals. All the things they lack. Having a happy loving relationship with a person worthy and willing to give us back what we give. Think about your phone ringing and its that special someone that makes you smile when you see their name on the call display. Think about how fulfilling it will be when you can reflect and realize you enjoyed the quality time spent with that special someone minus the drama. I think we will both look back and wonder why we took so long to let go of what made us unhappy and miserable for so long. Life is precious and short with enough problems to come without willfully adding to the list. What pushes me to let go is when I sit back and think about the type of man I really want and how I cant get him if I hang on to this dead unfulfilling relationship. I visualize and see myself happy. Smoothness1980 you can also. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

    • smoovness1980

      Weird, there is no place to reply on your latest post neednpeace. Anyways it’s so weird reading your posts. Figuratively I want to shake you and yell run!! Don’t wait for something to happen to give you reason to run!! But I’m no better!! So many times before I knew exactly what my ex was I knew something was really off with her. My insides were constantly telling me to run!! Get out!!! Figuratively shaking myself too yelling who cares what it is!! Just run and don’t look back. This girl is not right in the head!! But I didn’t listen. Anytime I confided in a friend I couldn’t tell any story without making her look like a monster. I backed off on telling people some of the things she was doing because i didn’t want to hear the truth. I didn’t want to have that ultimate reason to run. I wanted to stay because I thought I was so in love with her and maybe she was just so hurt from the shitty boyfriends in her past. Maybe as long as I treated her the best I could she would heal and start loving me the way I was hoping for. Wrong!!! I purposely didn’t tell my counselor all the shit she had done or was doing because i feared the counselor would tell me to get out of the relationship!! I knew it in my head and i still didn’t leave. She dumped me in the end and knowing what I do now. It’s because I became a threat to her power hold on me. I started questioning her loyalty. I started arguing back and countered her arguments. That really began in the beginning of July and by the middle she had dumped me like a bag of old stinky garbage. I know I’d still be with her had I not stood up for myself finally and stopped taking her shit. I wish I could have been the one to walk away though. I think I’d feel a lot better about myself right now. I do feel good though knowing I was the one who told her no more contact. I firmly believe she would still have her claws in me had i not done that. She put up a fight about that even. Her back up plan!!! I hope you get the strength to take that initiative yourself and get out now before it hurts more later. But you are the only one who can do that.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
      • neednpeace

        smoovness1980,
        I admire your strength to maintain NC. I am sure its hard. I too recall never telling people everything about him to avoid the stares I would get from friends and loved ones whenever I did tell them the truth. I wasn’t ready to leave either so I hid a lot of what was happening to me. His mom and other family members want to shake me also, not just you smooveness1980…lol. They’ve been telling me to RUN!!!! The issue is no longer him its ME. True when we break up I never contact him its always him that reaches back, normally with some drama going on where there is no one there for him then he remembers me. I also recall every time he needed me I’d later discover a lot of low down trifling things he was doing behind my back while begging for me to trust and believe in him again. The crying the threats of suicide. I have never seen a grown man fall out in the floor faking a heart attack, literally falling out crying bawling begging for forgiveness and one more chance. Just to screw me again. He will go to any lengths to get attention to try to prove he’s sincere, which he normally isnt. Some of his antics are quit comical. The one thing I can say is I don’t do anything for him or give him anything like I used to. Those days are finished. He only gets my attention (via text or phone call) and that he doesn’t deserve that attention either. I told him he would have to EARN me back and for now I don’t trust or believe anything that comes from his mouth, although a few times he has told the truth and I accused him of lying. I hate when that happens, it makes me question my judgment and everything else. Its just utter confusion and uneasiness. I keep trying to will myself to RUN. Each break up is always worst then the one before. At this point I told him there is no room for anymore betrayal or deceit. I KNOW for a fact I would shut down for good…..so honestly I know he’s going to mess up, its just a matter of when. I feel he’s still up to no good now although I cant prove it. Everything is squeaky clean, him giving an account of his time, he stays off social media, although I bet he just has some other type forum he is using to communicate with other women. He needs and thrives off attention. I’m just waiting on him to reveal what he’s really up to. He always slips up eventually. Once he does I can take flight and as I said before be down this time. The end is coming…I feel it..

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    • Santaland

      Dear needinpeace,
      Tela knows my situation perfectly, we have talked about it and she has guided me, hence I want to share my thoughts, feelings and experience with others. Both Tela and I have been there, and it sucks, it really sucks.

      Forget your upcoming birthday or anything you cherish, they don’t…never will either, and the more info (intel) they have the more they will destroy or make your regret. You need to become boring, initiate NC, and eventually I promise they will find a new source.

      You mentioned his work and clients….sure he is on his best behavior…you are a source. What makes you normal is that you have hope, hope is important, but do not place your hope on a sociopath. Your hope with them is like hoping there will be world peace everywhere, no more famine, no more abuse, no more global warming and whatever else that you cannot control….He is behaving because he has no other source right now…wait, you will be the one suffering, not them, and they have no morals….they rationalize like a 3 year old. New bicycle, love you, you are great….the best. Give it a week and the new bicycle is dismissed and now they have a brand new kite….that too will be disgarded soon…this is how they work and operate.

      Currently you are being used. And if that is fine with you…keep on doing it. In the end you will hurt and suffer. Yes it took me a long time to get over, coupled with circumstances i.e. she has her shop in my building…Today I could careless what she is doing/thinking….actually that is not true, she is reassessing me constantly when I see her….not sure, angry, sad (that am obviously not on a shelf for her bullshit)….What am I doing, nothing, am stone cold, ignore any of her attempts to reengage….and this they want…I give nothing…her smear campaign was there, her flying monkeys exist….but they get nothing. Thus am boring….but she knows, they know, and this pisses them off…they lost control.

      In your case you are kidding yourself, Tela said it and I say it….they will not and do not change….a plant will give you more honest feedback and happiness than they do…or a fish. This is a viper, and they bite when it suits them, no matter what.

      Nothing will change or grow…they remain in a constant…move on, go total NC and become boring, now reaction with your eyes, facial expressions etc….immune. Your birthday is coming up…hence Virgo….very observant and very sensitive yet critical…the little I know about these things….you will lose no matter what. Stop it, and stop it now.

      Tela can give you my email and I will guide you as much as I can. Tela helps lots of people and does this voluntaily…because she suffered as did I. Hence I contribute both financially (keeping the site going) and with guidance…why? Because it is a really shitty situation, and nobody really understands until you have danced with this type of monster….

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
      • smoovness1980

        Wow those are some powerful words!!! The idea that you can be around your ex and not care!! I find that very courageous and something to look up to!! I see my ex on the road coming the opposite direction and I get weak in the knees!! It happened last week!! God forbid she ever tried to stop at my place one night when I was least expecting it!!! I think I can count my blessings though that she is as attractive as she looks. It doesn’t take much to snare someone else and hopefully leave me alone so I can heal and one day be at your level!! I want her out of my head and heart forever!!! Santaland your alright!!! Neednpeace my email is dixon1980@outlook.com if you ever want to vent while going through the break up. Good luck and I hope you listen and pull away immediately from him!!

        Liked by 1 person

      • neednpeace

        Thank you Santaland. I am overwhelmed with emotion. One for knowing someone truly understands. Two because I see there is hope and not the end of the world once its over. Letting go, I can only describe the feeling as the same way I felt when I first learned to swim. I was so afraid to let go, relax and just float and tread water. I was so afraid to let go for fear of sinking and drowning. Then one day I got tried of fighting it, my cousin looked me firmly in the eye and told me I could do it. I finally decided I had NOTHING to lose and I did it. By the end of the day I was swimming like I had been swimming for awhile…I want to let go, of this emotional roller coaster, honestly I can not deny it, I’m just afraid. Afraid of what…that I still cant answer. I’ve ignored him all day then as I compose this message I get this text.
        “I do know what I have and I don’t want to lose it. I will do whatever you require whatever it takes to make everything right. I want to be the man you deserve. A man of my word, no more broken promises. Allow me to show you. That’s all I’m asking. If I fail you will never have to deal with again. I love you.”

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      • neednpeace

        Thank you Smoovness1980. That is so kind of you. I definitely do not want to dump on you especially while you are trying to walk you walk also. You are further ahead than myself. I am going to have to stop my whining and make an adult decision to either leave or as Santaland put it, keep allowing myself to be used and get out of this land of denial. I have been told I am stubborn. My best friend says I don’t want to be wrong so I keep hanging in here hoping to prove otherwise. This is a new game he is playing. Its not like all the other times, so I think I am more curious as to what he is up to even though everything in me tells me the story will play out the same. God help me I have to stop the self torment and torture. Its getting old, even to me.

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      • smoovness1980

        Honestly I don’t look at it as dumping. It helps me to heal to when I know others are going through the same thing. My brother was going through a possible break up the other week, they worked it out thankfully, and it helped me to just listen to his problems. Took my mind off my own for a bit. So do what you feel is right. The text he sent you, shit if I got that from her, thank god I never did. She was never wrong and never admitted to doing anything wrong. I got off easier than you. You have my contact info now incase you ever have a bad night and need to talk to someone. Good luck. Now start swimming!! The water is not so bad once you get used to it. 😉

        Liked by 1 person

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