A Healing & Informative Site About Narcissistic Sociopaths

The “IT” Moments

Have you ever had a ‘moment’ during the day that something….. ‘IT‘ hit you? You cannot put a finger on exactly why you are having a blah “IT” moment, but it’s as if a freight train has hit you, and you are almost paralyzed in your thought of ‘it’.

The ‘IT’ I’m referring to is those moments of blah after a Sociopath. Yes, you can be blah one week, one month or one year after your relationship. That’s normal! However, the “IT” moments, that you just can’t understand what put you in the blah state of mind is the hardest to accept. Why do these suddenly happen? And I’m not talking about something triggering these “IT” moments, such as a song, or place you & the Sociopath ate at, or a memory of a happy time.

It sucks when you realize that most dating site’s are filled with assholism or douche-bag syndrome people. It is frustrating to hear your friends and family telling you ‘move on’. It is stressful being a co-parent with a Sociopath. Maybe your boss is the biggest jerk on the planet, but you have to deal with them. These situations and more can cause the “IT” moments to occur. But what exactly is the “IT”?? We can be going about our day, and then BAM~ the “IT” moment occurs. You either get sad, angry, frustrated, confused, and yet, it is not because you have had any contact with the Sociopath, it is because of the damage that remains long after the relationship.

The following was written by a reader of my site, who lives on a different continent than I do. I have been fortunate to counsel him along his journey of healing, and now blessed to call him friend. I had one of the ‘IT’ moment’s last week, and we spoke on the phone. Here is his interpretation of the ‘IT’ moments.

The Double Edged Sword after a Sociopath

You can call them what you want….Sociopath, Psychopath, Cluster B, Narcissist etc . But let me remind you, there is a specific pattern, a specific and significant similarity, male or female Sociopath, yep they all operate from an almost identical script. Now the problem i,s we are poisoned, our psyche is turned upside down, we grovel to try to encounter the absolute fabulous honeymoon phase. We blame ourselves!. To no avail. Finally we wake up and realize, maybe by reaching to a site like SociopathLife.com, maybe a friend or whatever, we suddenly have an ‘aha’ moment. We have been violated, abused and discarded as trash, yet we hang on. Then we accept that the person has lied, cheated and abused us…we let go, the smear campaign and flying monkeys suddenly escalates.

So now we have a problem! Actually it is not such a problem since we are lucky we ‘woke up’. But then we seek support from family, friends again, and they all listen intently, support us…then say” move on, get over it”, “thank God you got out, forget the past, look forward” and so on.  But they do not understand, the scars are deep, the abuse was grave, the betrayal runs deep, and we have our doubts, seeking reinforcement. Yet family and friends, after a while of our conditioned thinking, our empathy, compassion, our ‘what if’, they look upon us as …wow you got problems, get help, how boring this same story, you might have serious PTSD etc. And thus we clam up. We cannot burden those who have not experienced a Sociopath. They do not get it! Thus the double edged sword. So we live with the torment of perhaps, maybe, what if, could be, why not etc….and we spin like a washing machine.

With the Sociopath, should they have this info, they would turn the spin cycle to turbo mode. Why? Control, entertainment, revenge and add whatever you want. Thus never let them know you are suffering. Become and actor/actress, no contact and look awesome. We who have suffered and still suffer know how you feel.

Then we move on. We decide fuck it, what a waste of time, they really screwed us mentally, physically and maybe financially. All goes silent. We have successfully blocked them, ignored them and totally ignored the smear campaign and their flying monkeys. Yet there is something, again the double edged sword shows its face. They certainly have a new source of supply….and we hear nothing, the silence, the not knowing…and again we are back to our insecure mode, our curious mode, our what if….perhaps now….we hear nothing. We tell our friends and colleagues, nope it is over no problem, we have sex, we engage in new relationships yet something is still there. Something nobody understands. We want, yet it is bad. We desire, yet it will be the same shit, what is wrong with us?

There is nothing ‘wrong with us’. What is wrong is that you, innocent people have been mentally and emotionally abused, traumatized, degraded and had your own self worth questioned, your self-esteem completely obliterated. Your entire core being and morals were stripped from you by a Narcissistic Sociopath, who quite simply did not give a shit what they were doing to you, or the long lasting damage that was done. I recommend you reach out to someone who has first person experience with what you have encountered. There are thousands of victims of Sociopaths. Sadly, most remain silent out of shame, guilt or fear. It is okay to have the “IT” moments. We just have to be very mindful not to succumb to them, and know that what we are feeling during those times is normal, understandable and completely acceptable. You do not owe anyone an explanation why you are having a craptastic day! Unless a person has experienced pure Hell on Earth with a Sociopath, their responses to your “IT” moments are usually void.

“I guess they’re called moments because they don’t last very long.”

sarra manning

©SociopathLife.Com

©SantaLand

 

14 Responses to “The “IT” Moments”

  1. Shiela May

    I am so incredibly grateful I found this site, to me it has been a life line! I get emotional just thinking of how I feel it has been the first and only thing that gave me any feeling of not being alone, not being crazy.
    I have only been out of a 20 year chamber of horrors, I was unfortunate to have also have MS, I have lost a good portion of my eyesight, and have suffered from paralysis in varying degrees as well, the worst being from the neck down, my husband would leave me upstairs alone for as much as 14 hours at a time, and if I dared to express how terrified that made me, he would get so angry , yell at me and tell me I was a selfish bitch, then I also had to battle cancer, it didn’t matter how I felt, how sick, or how scared, it was always the same, he was the one who needed compassion, after all he had to deal with doing things I should have been doing, the only time he wanted to have sex with me, is when I was either in horrific pain, was unable to move, or times after I had seizures and would be out of it, when I would tell him how used and in human that made me feel, he would tell me I was never happy, that I would ask and ask for sex, but when he decided to do it… For me… I complained about that too.
    I have been divorced for almost 6 months now, I see him fairly often a couple times a week, we have a teen age daughter, and since I’m legally blind, I don’t drive, he brings her to and from our places, every time, even when I think he is gonna be decent, he isn’t , there is always something, a demeaning comment something, that sends me back to near panic, and turmoil.
    But this site has helped so much! It was like a light bulb went on….. It wasn’t me! There was nothing I could have done better, or different, that would have made him be decent to me!
    I have a long road ahead of me, but at least now I feel it just may be worth waking up everyday, that maybe someday I will be able to trust someone, anyone again, that one day I might not be so afraid all the time, so thank you so very very much!

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  2. aether11

    This was very helpful, thank you for writing this. I’ve been a very self confident balance-minded person for the majority of my life. This whole experience has left me in a state of dealing with those “IT” moments…questioning my sanity and why I still think about this person or long for understanding…or even why I still have love for someone who has clearly been so destructive to my mind and emotions. This article really helped me to be more at ease. Thanks.

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  3. betternotbroken

    I agree, there are so many debates, sociopath vs. psychopath, which cluster of personality traits etc. but a rose is a rose by any other name and these debates are usually rooted in a search for meaning where there is none. Acceptance is key, not the name, the actions tell all and it is what it is. Great post once again Tela.

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  4. Ressielynn

    Thank you for clearing my mind about IT moments. I do understand that I’m not alone. I am getting flashback on good times and bad times. Then I start feeling anxious having chest pains. I need to practice of no contact with my sociopath ex husband

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  5. Santaland

    Let me clarify, contribute to the site financially and/or with your questions, feelings, thoughts and experiences. Tela set this up because she suffered the wrath of a Narcissistic Sociopath, and has her Master’s Degree in Psychology…as we have once we can put a name to it all and try to sort the mess out….mental/physical/financial mess…and yes am a male who encountered all three parts. Am I proud…no! My values, my soul, my integrity, my vision, my (fill in the blank) was violated. My fault, sure in part, but these types will harvest anyone and everyone no matter how strong willed or intelligent you are.

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  6. Debbie

    I had an “IT” moment today, suddenly just full of anger, wanting to drive to him and give him what for, the words “evil, wicked man” kept being repeated in my head, don’t know where it came from, but the anger was mighty. I knew I had to calm down, I wanted those words out of my head because I don’t like having bad thoughts repeating themselves in y head, I’m just not a nasty person. Instead of getting into my car, I put my headphones on as loud as I could take it and went walking, I walked until I began singing along with the songs so that nothing else could enter my thoughts, it worked. But then I started to wonder why? Why does it suddenly hit me right out of the blue.
    Receiving this article this evening answered my question, thank you, and thankfully I walked out my anger, this too shall pass. So dislike these “IT” moments

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    • Tela

      Thank you Debbie for your comment. I totally understand that “IT” moment of wanting to call the Ex and give him a mouth full of what an ‘evil, wicked man’ he is. But…..you did the right thing! NO CONTACT. You say ‘you don’t know where the anger came from’, that is exactly what I’m talking about in this article regarding the “IT” moments. Where did these thoughts come from? Why am I having them? They happen because of every single moment spent with the Sociopath. The silent way you were mentally & emotionally destroyed. Now these “IT” moments are clarity.

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  7. karenthom2014

    Hi tela, it moments for me can occur two or more times each day, the sociopath never allowed me to use a vacuum cleaner and insisted upon manual sweeping, I know, so only sometimes I relish the fact I can use the vacuum freely, he also did not like certain essential foods which still brings tears to my eyes when in a supermarket, I love boil ham so now I make it I enjoy it but know of the story why I love it so much. I mainly get that moment when I’m doing something he did not like, after ten years it’s a relief to be free, I’m not afraid anymore, but slightly hesitant when come to exercising my freedom to the fullness. I’m still very safe at home and feel at ease most of the time. Next month it’s two years of total no contact. I’m loving my freedom.

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    • Tela

      Thank you Karen for you comment. First off, I’m so happy you are loving your freedom! Freedom to express your thoughts, without being beat down from the Sociopath, loving the freedom of eating whatever you want! Without having to think of ‘what would the Sociopath like to eat’. Loving the freedom to vacuum, go place, just quite simply being Karen!!!! I know it has been a long, hard journey to get to where you are mentally & emotionally. And yes, the “IT” moments will still occur. Hopefully in more time, they become less frequent! Express your freedom Karen! You deserve it!! ❤

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  8. Jenna

    I have those moments quite often. Very well said. I pray for the day I get a break from the torture of those moments. I keep searching for answers as to why this happened to me. Sadly enough I am not alone wondering why and how.

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    • Tela

      Thank you Jenna for your comment. I know you are having great difficulty comprehending what happened to you and why. I wish I had the right answer(s) for you. Just know, you did nothing to deserve the cruel treatment. Yes, you play and re-play over and over in your head what happened, and still cannot get clarity or closure. And sometimes in life, we just never get the answers we seek. I know that does not give you any peace, and I’m terribly sorry for what you have endured. Just know, I am here for you, are all of my reader’s who have experienced a similar ordeal as you!!! Hang in there! ❤

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  9. aspen2007

    Wow, I could have written that….well done, and Thank you for the validation…what I feel IS REAL.

    Liked by 1 person

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    • Tela

      Thank You aspen2007 for your comment. Yes, the validation feels good to know that the “IT” moments happen for a very real reason!

      Liked by 1 person

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    • Santaland

      I am Tela’s friend, and Tela put the right spin on ‘it’. Nobody will understand the double edged sword, the ‘it’ moment unless you have been involved with a Narc Socio….lets call them evel. It is OK to have ‘it’ moments. I am having one now, and this Tela is aware of.

      Thank you Tela again and again and I hope all you readers, recoverers or simply those seeking support….well support this site, support Tela with her wonderful and caring insight to getting back on our feet. It is our obligation after we have the ‘aha’ moment, or ridded ourselves from these vile persons to support each other…thus contribute, give input and get your feelings/thoughts and experiences out there on this site. I am not a fan of statistics, hence I agree with Tela, I believe there are lots more people out there suffering this abuse in total silence.

      Thanks Tela you are great.

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