A Healing & Informative Site About Narcissistic Sociopaths

Red Flags

‘Why didn’t I see all the RED FLAGS ?’ Such a common question when dealing with a Sociopath. The red flags were present from moment one…..so why did you not see them? Wait a minute, you did!! 

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Think back to the very first moment you met the Sociopath. How easily you were drawn to them. In the first few days, weeks or even months, everything about them was lies , perfection. The showering you with praises, adoration, compliments on everything about you!Those were the red flags , that you were not consciously aware of. As with most narcissistic Sociopaths, they moved the relationship along very quickly. The love bombing was over the top!! I call the love bombing phase: Sociopath Poison, you can read about that here

I’m sure you were told thousands of stories lies about their ‘horrible childhood’. {red flag}  And how many times did they refer to the ex victim partner before you, as “the crazy-ex” {red flag}. Did they boast of their achievements {more so than a ‘normal’ person would} or have a grandiose sense about themselves? {red flag}. Did they devele deep into your personal relationships, with family? Friends? {red flag}. How can that be a red flag? They are/were building a library full of your information to later use as ammunition against you. You can read about that HERE.  Did they proclaim they were ‘IN LOVE’ long before you were? {red flag.}.  Did you have moments where you thought to yourself ‘hmmm, this is moving awful fast & some things don’t add up’ {red flag.} Were there times you thought to yourself ‘wow, where has this person been my whole life’? {red flag.} Did you find yourself waiting for a text or call for them {red flag}. Now I know your asking ‘how can wanting to hear from them, early in the relationship be a red flag? Because at this point, you now have an addiction to them, which they did with the Sociopath Poison. There is nothing wrong with talking to a new partner often, you are in all reality, building a new relationship. The {red flag} was, if the communication was non-stop, or you found yourself calling/messaging them because you haven’t heard from them in (x) amount of time, or your thoughts were consumed day in and day out of them. Was/is their cell phone a permanent extension of their hand? Usually on silent? {red flag} you can read about that HERE.

As the relationship progressed and you started realizing all the pathological lies out of their mouth {red flag}, if you were having to do more damage control instead of loving {red flag}. When you were on the defensive against their words and/or actions {red flag}, and then to make an excuse for them {huge red flag}. Did you find yourself feeling ‘crazy’ and emotionally crippled, asking ‘what in the hell is going on with this person?’ {red flag}. Do they have an addiction to alcohol, drugs, pornography? {red flag}. Were there times you felt you just simply were at a loss as to how the relationship has started to deteriorate {red flag}. Are you, or were you, becoming more and more isolated from your family & friends just to spend time with the Sociopath? {red flag}. Did/do you find yourself trying to find out about them {via other avenues?}, {huge red flag}. Has the disappearing act started? {red flag}. After arguments, did they beg for your forgiveness and make false promise after promise they ‘would change’ or they were ‘really sorry & it won’t happen again’? {red flag}. How many promises did you hear, yet they never acted upon? How many times did you forgive? How many times at the end of the day did you feel completely mentally & emotionally drained because you just didn’t know what was happening in the relationship and to you!!!! {red flags all over}. 

It’s hard not to ask yourself, ‘why didn’t I see all of these red flags and more’…..reason being? You thought you truly had found The One! The happily-ever-after love of your life. Reality is? They are a mentally & emotionally sick person that you cannot fix! You cannot take their red flags from them! Not until after you have been completely destroyed, can you now consciously see the red flags on full display. 

We all have those non-negotiable standards when it comes to relationships — habits, qualities, characteristics, details and so on — that we will simply not stand for.   natasha burton

©SociopathLife.Com

41 Responses to “Red Flags”

  1. Jenna

    I saw many red flags saving in the beginning and the middle and the end. He had an excuse for every one of them. Didn’t help I didn’t know I was dealing with a sociopath until it was too late and I researched things.

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    Reply
    • Tela

      Thank you Jenna for your comment. Yes, we ALL saw some of the red flags, and in typical ‘normal’ human behaviour, we blew them off, or made an excuse for them, or thought to ourselves ‘well, they are having a bad day, or maybe I should have (______)”. When in all reality, as we know during and after the relationship that there are no ‘excuses’ for them. A Sociopath is unable to change. Reason being? They do not even think anything is wrong with them, please keep in mind, their behaviour is ‘learned behaviour’ and to them, that is how life is! No morals, no empathy, no compassion, completely emotionally disconnected from life itself. They connect to material things, tangible items {money}, but not on a normal, mutually respectful, loving compassionate way.

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    • Santaland

      Tela, I did what you suggested, read the Red Flags article….and wow this time reading it again it really is amazing how true this pattern was/is. Right from the beginning, middle and end as Jenna indicated…and then it was too late, damage has been done, poison has taken over, long healing time which nobody really understands until they have had a relationship with a classic sociopath. What still ‘intrigues’ me, I say that lightly, is how similar or the same they act, a script…guess it is like the flu to varying degrees…still the flu.

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      • Tela

        Thank you SantaLand for your comment. I understand your words ‘intrigues me’. It truly is very simple to understand {once we allow ourselves to accept who/what} a Sociopath is. As we know, Sociopath is not gender specific, we also know the only difference is name and face. They all work with an

          agenda

        , because, unlike us, they lack the compassion/empathy/respect of laws, respect of other’s feelings/wants/needs. Whereas, we do not work by agenda. We truly feel emotions, we truly respect other’s {even if we do not agree with something they may have said or done}, we have deep deep empathy and compassion. When we fall in love with a Sociopath, it is with an open heart, a bright future ahead, no hidden agenda and so on.
        And sadly, not until we have been absolutely mentally and emotionally obliterated and drained from these vile parasites, do we then realize, figure out, research what in the HELL did I just go through?!?!
        So pretty much it is the same ‘script’ they all use…a book of NOTHINGNESS. They give nothing, and take everything!

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    • Tela

      Thank you Kristina for your kind comment. Yes, the red flags are out there waving, however, blinders were put on us! 😀

      Liked by 1 person

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  2. lynettedavis

    It’s crazy how absolutely blind we were to the red flags, even to the point that if anyone tried to warn us, we got mad with them…

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    • Tela

      Thank you Lynette for your comment. Yes, we were completely blind to the red flags~ as I said in another comment, blinders were on us when we met the Sociopath.

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  3. Hayden

    Hi Tela,

    Another great and insightful post – as usual. So clearly put and succinct. That’s what I like about your writings/blog.

    Mine (Sociopath) exhibited not every trait or red flag but a vast majority of them. Funnily enough there was little talk of the emotional issues with exes and how their relationships ended, plenty of talk of the physical. I read somewhere about them (Sociopaths) that in ordinary relationships a person is trying to prove their faithfulness, where as they (Sociopaths) almost seek to create doubt within you whether they are faithful or not – that’s a great way of summing them up – and also in my particular case.

    Mine I suspect had an addiction to prescription drugs, just casual things I picked up over the journey. I live by a rule : don’t entirely trust the bona fides of anyone who takes too many sleeping pills! I didn’t work out she was one of those until well into our relationship.

    I guess red flags exist in many other scams in life and as humans you sometimes just want to believe that what you know you are seeing and is wrong, is in fact not as it seems. That’s what I thought. You let a few things go and don’t act on them or pull them up and then all of a sudden the few things is hundreds of things!

    I will say that I wasn’t always the victim and I don’t think I’m an easy target either, but for the most part you can only understand how difficult such a person can be unless you’ve experienced it.

    So thanks Tela for opening up to us on these topics in a professional and relatable way. I know your support has helped me immensely.

    Liked by 1 person

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    • Tela

      Thank you Hayden for your kind comment and feedback. I agree that some, not all Sociopaths seek to create doubt within us as far as their faithfulness. And that is usually because they are actually in fact leading dual lives. Therefore they project onto you what they themselves have done or are doing that then creates that level of doubt as far as faithfulness.
      And yes, Red Flags fly all around us in other aspects of our daily lives. Most we can see. And therein lies the difference when involved with a NPD/Sociopath….their red flags are buried under their bullshit of lies in the beginning that we truly cannot ‘see them’. Because the relationship is soooo intense both emotionally & physically in the beginning with them, we {our hearts/heads} just refuse to see the great big RED FLAGS flying all around them. And you are so right about people understanding what you have/are going through, unless they, themselves have experienced the HELL of a Sociopath.
      Thank you for sharing your wisdom and personal story with me and my readers. It helps other’s to know they are not alone. A Sociopath is not gender specific! They target both males & females.

      Liked by 2 people

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  4. betternotbroken

    Great work again, I love the grammatical application of red flags and how you did it like a wise teacher correcting a wayward student. Everyone should realize these red flags early on their “education.”

    Liked by 1 person

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    • Tela

      Thank You BetterNotBroken for your kind comment. And also everything you do to help survivors/victims of abuse! ❤ Sometimes, we, as 'professionals' have to get back to the basics, write in a way that is easy to understand & easy for a person to relate to in their own personal relationship(s). And like I said, all the Red Flags were there, not until after the Tsunami Shit Storm then could we actually see them! ❤

      Liked by 2 people

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  5. Persia Karema

    Reblogged this on Blog Of A Mad Black Woman and commented:
    “I’m sure you were told thousands of stories lies about their ‘horrible childhood’. {red flag} And how many times did they refer to the ex victim partner before you, as “the crazy-ex” {red flag}.” ~ Sociopath Hell

    Liked by 1 person

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    • Tela

      Thank you my dear Persia for the Re-blog ❤ and also for sharing your own personal HELL and horrific ABUSE from a Sociopath. Your input and comments are always greatly appreciated, especially knowing how much you & your innocent son have suffered. Much love and respect to you!! ❤

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      • Persia Karema

        You’re most welcome. Thank you so much for your kind words and continued support. I really appreciate it.
        Much love and respect right back at you. ❤

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  6. hipmonkey

    Looking back at my own 25 year marriage to a female sociopath I often ask myself if my personality enabled her behavior. Like that of an enabler to an alcoholic. Is there a name for this flip side of the coin? Would ‘Empath’ fit? Maybe you could list the traits of an empath to help us put this in another light and see why we fell for and stayed in a crappy life with a sociopath? Others don’t, why did I? Gawd, it can’t be because I’m a complete idiot. lol (or am I) There must be two sides to the whole …

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    • kripa79

      Although m quite new to this. . Jus hav knwn my husband for a year n a half and jus discovered hes a sociopath. But I have been doing a lot of research on the topic and I believe they target either empaths or codependents. Sadly I seem to b a mix of the two…:( u must research a bit on those two to know more. Being either an empath / codependent we tend to forgive and understand the other persons problems a bit too easily. N tend to justify the misbehaviour of loved ones.. doesnt pay to b too nice!

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      • hipmonkey

        I do seem to get used a lot, and others have told me this and I just don’t see it at the time. I just feel I’m helping and being nice and loving. It’s confusing. I don’t want to be a cold hearted prick, and I don’t want to be used. What a weird spot to be in. What to do? Loving does make one vulnerable, but I’d rather be a lover than a hater. This planet is full of damaged egos.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Tela

        Kripa79, thank you for your comment. I’m glad that you are doing research and educating yourself on what type of ASPD your husband may have. It’s all to easy to slap a label on someone because of certain characteristics etc. I am going to disagree with you that Sociopaths target ‘either empaths or co-dependents”. That is not always the case. And just because a person ‘tends to forgive’ does NOT make them a co-dependent. Like I said to you in an early comment on another post, you are brand new into the discard, therefore, you are searching for answers/ reasons ‘why’ etc. Most important thing(s) to understand is: 1. you cannot change him! period. no matter the amount of forgiveness, love, compassion etc. 2. YOU are not the one with the problems. 3. Be mindful of the research your doing & then ‘self-diagnosing either your husband or yourself’.

        Liked by 1 person

      • kripa79

        Thank u for the guidance Tela 🙂 I actually have quite a few traits of either an empath/ codependent. .not jus coz of the forgiving part but many others. .that’s ok coz I believe its not a disorder but jus a personality type n will definitely work on that.. as for him sadly even if I apply the Hares test on him very strictly ie not giving him lots of 2’s but mostly 1’s he still passed with flying colours. .believe me I wud give anything for him not to b a sociopath. .if only wishes were horses..:( everything frm the initial love bombing to the occasional devaluation mixed with bombing seems too socio to b anything else..I guess I got lucky found out bout his infidelity befor the discard n now im the one discarding him coz of the possibility of living with a socio n of course simply coz he cheated n his basic nature..socio or not.. hes tryin the same tactics that others hav in articles to jus get me back..n his masks r changing every day. Its not even funny! Alternates between sad n lovesick to blaming me n mild threats..weird

        Liked by 2 people

    • kripa79

      Yes it is a bit of a catch 22 situation. .one wants to be nice but definitely not used.. well I try to b good to everyone too n luckily before this had dated normal people..who treated me well apart frm the usual basic arguments. So I guess its about luck too. Who u end up with. A nice partner wud appreciate the niceness n a narc / socio may jus look at it like a weakness.. I guesd we shud all focus on understanding the person better before we go all out of the way for them.

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      • hipmonkey

        I will try to understand them, but at a distance. My ex has been completely out of my life for 12 years and that’s the only way I can deal with her. I had come to the place where I faced a felony because of her absurd lying. Hmmmm, my freedom or my relation with a nut? No brainer, but I can now see that I saw the red flags when I first met her, and my desire was to love her back to health. Be a knight on a white horse, ya know? What an experience it was that I was meant to have and learn from.

        Liked by 2 people

    • Tela

      Thank you HipMonkey for your comment and great input. Yes, I will certainly be posting an article in the future in regards to empaths. It’s a common question we ask ourselves AFTER the relationship “did we enable them”…. some yes, some no. Again, another article to come with more specifics! 😀

      Liked by 3 people

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  7. kripa79

    Yes sadly some of these were there to some extent. . But I did it all thinkin it’s normal to do all this if u have found a ‘soul mate’ .yup those r the words he used. Along with ‘ love of my life’..iits crazy how most socios use these words..but i guess he never made me wait for a call or msg that I can recollect..coz he was always in my face!! Imagine the shocking part..that inspite of bein ther with me everytime that I wasn’t at work he still managed to continue screwing his exwife! regarding the abusive behaviour in my case he waited to really drop the mask till we got married 😦

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  8. AlohaLover

    This is spot on! I had all those red flags and a few more:
    * How his phone was never more than an inch from his hand and always face down
    * When I asked him about HIS friends, he said he didn’t have any….WHAT?!?! This man is a manager for a major transportation company that is 98% men…you don’t have one friend from your 27 year career.

    These men are so vile!

    Liked by 1 person

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    • Tela

      Thank you AlohaLover for your comment. Very good RED FLAG you pointed out as far as ‘no friends’….that is usually typical with a Sociopath. Never any long term friends or even close family relationships!! Thank you as always for sharing your own personal experience and what you learned. ~love & hugs~ ❤

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      • marypranzatelli

        Tela, I stopped communication for 4 months with my ex. Then out of nowhere, he requests me as a friend on Lindekin. I accepted the request. He starts by saying Hello. I respond 2 days later with, hello. He responds, I am well. I never asked him how he was doing? Then I respond me too. He responds, I’m in Australia. Then I respond I’m down the shore. He responds, dating? I respond I have a boyfriend and a band now. So he responds, congratulations… Excellent!! Then he deletes his entire profile.

        So I email him, and tell him I’m into my band…and that he’s acting salty…etc…etc.

        So he responds with the same old email blaming me with what went wrong in the relationship, and that he doesn’t want me. Then he says Goodbye…

        Then we go back in forth for another round because I called him salty over my new boyfriend.

        Finally he says he has another woman and that he terminated our contact and that he does not want me back.

        I respond saying: YOU initiated contact. You can’t be all into that woman if YOU INITIATED contact. There is nothing in my conversation that ever asked for you back.

        I told him I thought… Well OK…we could stay friends…since he lives far away anyway…

        I told him I have my band now. I don’t need to concentrate on my boyfriend, because he’s easy to be with and I’m able to concentrate on my band and my music. I told him I think he’s salty because I’m writing songs, I have a band and going into the studio to record.

        I told him that I am going after my dream and if he’s really happy he should be wishing me the best and that I wanted him to be able to listen to my music on MP3 and youtube and stuff when I released it.

        I also told him that I am aware that he is always fishing for women, and that he is with many women, and when he was with me or any other woman, he is always fishing for more. I bragged about my current boyfriend. I told him that my boyfriend is a 1 woman man and while I am with him I don’t have to focus on a man.

        *I think I’m going through this battle with him. He needs to believe he discarded me, and wants to gaslight me into believing that I want him. I think the Psychopath gaslights their victims into believing they are doing the rejecting.

        When I look back at the many discards… You will see that I was the one who initiated the rejection and every time he manipulated the dialog into making me believe I want him and he doesn’t want me.

        I can see the gaslighting strongly in the last message:

        Fact: He initiated contact
        Fact: I told him I was in a new relationship
        Fact: I talked about my music and kept it platonic
        Fact: I never said anything that asked for him back.

        I swear this about his pathological envy…because he grabbed my guitar out of my hand and told me to quit, and I also believe that my problem is he actually charged up my musicians passion. He made me want to prove him wrong. He made me desire my passion more…in my feminist kind of way.

        Am I making sense? My coping skills are a bit different from the others O read about. For me…I feel this conviction. A conviction that took back my power.

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      • Tela

        Thank you Mary for your comment and sharing. First off, you should have never, ever accepted the invitation on Linkden! Even though he imitated contact, he will twist and turn it all around and once again BLAME you for everything. And getting into a war-with-words about who he is or is not seeing is total wasted words on your part. It does not and will not matter EVER what you say to him! The most important thing is WHAT YOU DON’T SAY!!!! That means, no contact, no defending what you are or not doing. Whether your in a band or not. Keep referring back to your ‘facts’ and let him continue to spin in his fucked up Sociopath world.

        Liked by 1 person

      • marypranzatelli

        Also I have to say…we got back together only 2 times. That is because I sucked it up and appoligized. Since then we went into 4 rounds. And I have no more appolygees. He does not go over by re idealization. He is stuck in devaluing me. And I am stuck re idealizing myself, through going after my dreams and building my life to be what I want it to be.

        And he is very salty about that…

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