A Healing & Informative Site About Narcissistic Sociopaths

Sociopath Hell

I think I am going to change the name of my website to Sociopath Hell!

The reason for this is, when we are with a Narcissistic Sociopath, and even when we get away from them we are still living in a Sociopath Hell. There is an invisible inertia they create that draws us to them initially. And even we when walk away, or have been Discarded,  that invisible inertia still pulls us to them via our thoughts. 

When day in and day out you cannot move forward with your life, when you cannot maintain No Contactwhen your head is spinning with questions of WHY?? You find yourself constantly crying, missing the Sociopath, nothing at all makes sense, that is Sociopath Hell. There are no words I can say that will magically make all the hurt, anger, disappointment, loss of who you once were go away. All of that takes time. A LOT of time. And for those of you with children, think of this…..obviously you know they did not love you! What makes you think they love the children?? They don’t!!! To make them follow any court orders, to make them be a PARENT is wasted effort on your part. For those of you who have no closure, I will tell you there is never closure. EVER! Even if you ask the Sociopath direct questions, you will get nothing but convoluted bullshit lies, or blame shifting “everything was your fault”. So why continue to live in Sociopath Hell? What is it that you cannot let go of? 

Is it because they have sailed on to a new person and you are jealous? Jealous of what? You KNOW the Sociopath Hell that person is being sucked into! A common question I am asked is when the Sociopath moves on to another person is “do they really love the new person?”. Ummmm, that would be a big fat N-O! They don’t even love themselves, how do you think they will ‘love’ the next person? So by obsessing over how their new relationship is, just keeps you in Sociopath Hell. Why compare yourself to their new victim person? You know YOU! You know how much you loved & cared for the Sociopath. You know how much of yourself you gave {and they silently & methodically took from you}. So who cares what the new person is like? I can promise you one thing……the outcome will be exactly the same for them, DISCARD! Because Sociopaths work in constant forward motion, get bored easily, always need that level of excitement, always needing sooooooooo much attention, they never stay with a person long term. And if they do, you can be assured they have someone on the side they are cheating with!

You have got to find your own self perseverance & strength to let go! Keeping the thoughts of them in your head keeps YOU in Sociopath Hell. And like I have said before, if you think they are laying awake at night crying tears over you or missing you…your are seriously fooling yourself! Sometimes we all need a cold reality check, and this post is one for many! Start living YOUR LIFE out of Sociopath Hell!!!!  You gave all you could, why continue to give your thoughts, daily peace of mind, tears etc to them any longer? What is it your gaining from that?

well, i looked my demons in the eyes, layed bare my chest, said ‘do your best, Destroy me’. you see, i’ve been to hell and back so many times, i must admit, you kind of bore me

©SociopathLife.Com

34 Responses to “Sociopath Hell”

  1. ty

    I love this site! Apparently, everyone else does, too: the comment section is blowing up LOL.

    I would love to help other people emerge from these abusive “relationships” as better people — at least better than their ex, which is the REAL fear narcissists carry around with them. Once you go no contact and prove you are better than them, their ego dies a little and they are sent plummeting down a self-sabotage spiral. Try it! No contact is your best friend for life, as long as you keep it.

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    • Ruby

      My relationship lasted 18 years. On and off sometimes. I always went back. I can’t do this anymore. It’s been 11 days since contact and I just want the pain to stop. I don’t want him back. He is toxic. I just want him out of my head and I want to stop crying. How could I have been so stupid? Even with just 11 days of no contact, I’m beginning to see the pattern. What hurts is that I think I always did see the pattern, but I kept forgiving, letting it go, turning my eyes away. And worst of all is knowing that he doesn’t care, has no remorse, had already moved on to his next victim (the 4th in 18 years). I just want to stop hurting, stop crying, stop missing what didn’t exist, stop kicking myself, and burn him from my memory. I gave him a 3rd of my life. And for what?

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    • vanessa

      that means NO continuous peeking at Facebook page pictures of him..and the grown sons/their grandkids that HE has full access to, and YOU have little or no contact with. look at them once..no comments, move on; no ‘friending’ on Facebook by him (or his current wife), no get-togethers with him being present..NO means NO CONTACT. Its hard, believe me.

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  2. AlohaLover

    Happy Anniversary to ME!!!! I did it…..I made it to the other side of HELL! My heart aches a bit and I have tears because I miss the illusion of him but like I’ve always said he can never be cured..no pills…no therapy….nothing.
    It’s a long and winding road back to a new you.

    Wherever you are in your journey from Hell, just remember you will make it. Rely on family, friends, animals, this site whatever it takes to reach the other side, do it.

    Stay Strong….
    xox

    Liked by 1 person

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  3. idodoyouride

    i think the name of this post should be Reality Check !! you said this exactly how it is sister (im assuming you are female and i shouldnt ) and many should heed this advice !! very good post my friend !!!

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    • Tela

      Thank you IdoDoYouRide for your comment. And yes, I am a female!! 😀 Sometimes after reading comments & hundreds of emails, I wish I had a one word answer fits all to help everyone. But obviously I don’t. And at the end of the day, it is entirely up to you {everyone} if they want to continue to live in Sociopath Hell or start moving forward, one small step at a time. We all know how difficult it is, our minds can be our own worst enemy, but they can also be our greatest healer!! ❤

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      • AlohaLover

        I think once you come out of the shock of it all, and you start to educate yourself on what this person is, and THAT sinks in, you start to relive details and see patterns and THAT sinks in, you’ll know it’s NOT you and then it is one small step at a time. The key word is time….it will take time and it’s your time. Mine took a year and I still shake my head in disbelief. Take your time and IMO whatever you do….don’t go back. He /She will never ever change. No pill….no therapy….no voodoo…nothing will change him. xox

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      • Tela

        Thank You AlohaLover for your encouraging comment. I like how you describe the ‘sinking in’!! That is then when the WTF, why, how come, why didn’t I see red-flags, why do I still want them & on & on & on! Like you said: there is NO fairy dust, magic pill, therapy, voodoo, NOTHING that will change a Sociopath. And once THAT SINKS IN you can then begin the long road of healing! ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  4. revgerry

    Good morning Tela,
    Just checking in with you. I like the new name for your blog, it certainly describes the circumstance.
    Trust all is well in Tela-land. I have been very busy building following on my FB pages, haven’t written as much – i have been in some physical pain and it though saps my brain – but I did write one on depression this week.
    hugs, gerry

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  5. Marie

    I couldn’t agree with you more.
    I just divorced my ex H last april . We have been on & off since 1992. Got married in ’06. .. He cheated on me with an old gf & is living w/ her. Over the years during our ups & down times I would Alwsys!!!! think he is living a better life than I . He has Nothingto offer me, ( he owns his car and his clothes, & has My $ I had to pay him in the D.)–> but, m addicted to him. I was horrible when I discovered the cheating & he left me & moved to moms. Now he’s livibg w/ gf( who’s still married!!! w/ 3 kids). He contacted me last fall & I figured she kicked his ass out. But no. I’ve been returning his contact since dec. and I’m sinking back into my own hell like quicksand. I Hate myself and have thoughts of suicide. I’m not happy w/ him or w/out him, I feel so alone . I’ve gone to therapists ( with him in past-& alone– he’s bipolar, has ADD, former alcoholic…) I’m codependent and feel so F’d. I Know NC is the Best thing, but, I hsve Nothing else besides work & my commute going on in my life.
    I hate myself and my life . I’m like a hamster on a hamster wheel that cannot get off.bi get so anxious & panicky … All I imsgine is that They are enjoying life So much more than I. Even tho I Know he’s not…. But he’s got her.
    I Never ever thought he would cheat on me. Never .
    I’ve put up with verbal abuse from him.
    I feel so stuck and have been since I met him 20 years ago.

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    • Tela

      Thank you Marie for your comment. First off, the only reason you think he is ‘living a far better life’ is because, you are having to put forth the mental/emotional & physical effort to provide for yourself. Whereas from your comment it does not appear that he has had to work for much?!?! At least you recognize the addiction you have to him! And that is called Trauma Bond and you can read about that HERE. Please do not ‘hate’ yourself. You don’t! You hate what has happened, You hate how he cheated & left you, you Hate that you have suffered so much emotionally, but you truly do not hate yourself. And like I said in this post; who care’s if he has ‘her’ or any other ‘her’? If he was truly happy with ‘her’ why did he contact you in the Fall? Can you not see the pattern with him? So he cheated? Your still in shock over it…….however, do you not realize how much better off you are away from him? Do you want to love & Live with a cheater for the rest of your life? Do you want to Love & Live with a man you could never fully trust? That’s what the ‘new woman’ has??? Marie, I know it’s truly difficult! Trust me, I KNOW. I have been exactly where you are, and it takes a long, long, very long time to finally get ‘over’, stop ‘thinking of’ and no longer worrying about the Ex. But it does happen ONLY IF you let it. So either stay on that hamster wheel going nowhere, or tell yourself your jumping off into the unknown, but that unknown is a hell of a lot better than where you are now! ❤

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      • Marie

        The gf is no bargain either. I met up w/ her husband two years ago( I discovered the cheating july ’12, & he moved back to moms( he moved from moms to my house when I married him)a week after I discovered it. The gf’s husband & I met up in February ’13 where he proceeded to tell me how she cheated on him in 2011—> the gf’s husband is no angel either tho, he cheated on her years ago when their children were toddlers. So, they remain married living in separate houses w/their sig. others.
        I was Devistated when I discovered the cheating. Completely & Utterly.
        July of ’13 I met someone who totally took my mind off of him. A Great guy… A Man( my ex is 51, retired, very small pension, I had to pay in D, got my $ in his bank from D— threatened to take our short term childless marriage to Trial if I didn’t make a cash settlement– trial is Expensive!!–, that’s why I settled… Going in front of a judge too is a crap shoot.)—— that guy was gone in November. I was still Very Strong tho.. Was treated Really well for a few months from the other guy, & could care less about my ex. Met someone else … Who ended up getting together with a past flame.—
        That killed me. That was last September
        Had a few dates, that went no where , then in October I get an email from the ex.
        I was shocked, thought he had a lot of balls contacting me after having dragged me through the mud in the D. He contacted me a few more times b4 I repled and slammed him with an email.
        But, New Years, I stareted getting weak.
        I’ve since given him my new cell #, and we’ve met up once to talk. It was very emotional
        I found out today he’s heading to the other side of the country , trying it for a month – maybe the summer. Something he always wanted to do.
        Yes, throughout this whole thing since he contacted me, my emotions have run the gamut. Especially this past month
        I Hate the gf more than him because she knew all about me.
        I hate that I had to pay him and am now in lots of debt .
        But, I still love him.
        And that is my sickness.
        My family hates him for what he put me through.
        They would be pissed if they knew I’ve responded to him let alone met with him.
        Yes, I Do hate myself bc I’ve always gone back to him over 20 years.
        I feel as tho he is all I have.
        But look, he’s moving on with his life.
        I’m still here, have a job( yes I’m grateful for it), a mortgage, a job that’s not easy to transfer around the country with, no girlfriends to hang out with— my best friend is on the other coast.
        I really and truly hate my life. I don’t mean to sound spoiled, I just feel empty in my life.
        Last. Sept if you had asked me about my ex I would have replied:….I want nothing to do with him…..
        I did look up trauma bonding, & yes, I can relate.
        I want to thank you for your blog. I must say, your posts come at perfect times for me, as others have also said.
        Thank you So Very Much for being here and doing what you do. I worry So much about Everything and Hate not having control of my life and not Knowing what the future brings…. Hence I Worry..

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      • Tela

        Marie, you DO have control of your life!! And none of us know what the future holds. Like I have said many,many time “The future happens ONE DAY AT A TIME” remember that. Don’t try and push your life along. And so what if the ex is ‘moving on with his life’. You will too! And you will be a much better Marie as you move on. We are all given crosses to bear in life, you just happened to be given a Sociopath from Hell cross to bear. In time, the damage will be less, the hurt will also lessen. It just takes time, a LOT of time. Except each emotion as it comes to you. Let the tears flow, but know, he did NOT ruin your life. You have many, many years ahead of you 😀

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  6. hey_there_Delilah

    Another amazing post, Tela, and right at the perfect time for me as I am not doing that well and find myself triggered often and back to not being able to stop the noise. I like the part about jealousy you understand and explain so well. For some stupid reason, I do find myself jelous at the thought of him being with someone else and I know there is nothing to be jealous of cause she will be treated like me or even worse if he gets her to a devalue stage and she will be discarded just like me after she loses everything or almost everything. Day 26 of NC and I don’t know anything about what he is up to nor do I care to know, but that I would still be jealous or Eve think about him at all makes me disappointed to myself, after all the damage he created in my life. So I agree the name of the site should be Sociopath Hell, cause all these sick people can give you from day one to discard is absolute hell! Thank you again Tela.

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  7. AlohaLover

    Sociopath Hell….perfect!

    To anyone out there who just got blindsided by a Sociopath, don’t give up. It will get better….honest. You’ll cry an ocean of tears, break the no contact and then start it again…..that’s ok…..it will happen. It happens to most everyone. Believe, it will get better….I promise you it will.
    My one year is coming up and I wonder how I ever made it out alive but with Tela’s support. the site, my friends and believing, I am doing so much better.
    Today, March 26, 2015, I still think of him but not as much. I think victims of a sociopath will ALWAYS be in Sociopath Hell. We will always wonder ‘why’ but April 22nd, I will share a really nice bottle of wine with a good friend and then later in the Summer. I will have a BBQ to celebrate the 1 year of my new life, my new beginning. It’s a new me, a new life, a new way of thinking.
    I am grateful to Tela, my friends and family and my 3 fur babies who made me get up and live.
    Keep Strong…Think Strong and you will make it out of the eye of the storm to smooth sailing and a sunny beach. I promise.

    Liked by 1 person

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    • Tela

      Thank you AlohaLover for you encouraging comment. I hope the other’s will read your words & know that you have been through the worst Tsunami Shit Storm with the Ex Sociopath and have had some rough waters over this past year!!! Your right! It’s a new life, new beginning, new YOU

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    • AlohaLover

      PS: When I said It thought of him, I would think of the fun and the “love” but it was all BS. And then I think of the times he cheated, lied, chose whores and hookers over me and refused to take me to the ER when I needed to go because losing 25 pounds in less than 2 months isn’t healthy….those are the times when I want to castrate him.
      But, I came out of it and I want to find a guy like my friend did…easy going, chill, adores her and will do anything for her.
      When you’re at your lowest, you have plenty of people around you who are at various stages….you are not alone.

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      • Julie Robbins

        Marie- I’m going through the same motions you are in some ways. And yes. Suicide sounds easy. But when I think of the Sociopath waltzing into my funeral acting all innocent and grieving pretending of course working the room with his charm then I say Hell No! I have to fight harder and put myself back out there to find someone who is capable of a normal relationship even if it’s a stable guy friend. God won’t let me suffer this more than once! Surely ! My sociopath made himself out to be something he wasn’t that’s why I had to get away from him I realized or my Counselor pointed out. It was never going to be normal despite all I had done for him. Things that make me want to puke now when I think about it. No remorse on his part. He is charming, so convincing, lots of fun when it was just me and him. He knew me inside and out. The relationship worked when he allowed it too. I can’t be at the mercy of someone who has control of my happiness! That’s not how a relationship works. He told me I provided him with a home and family that he had lacked in his first marriage. Said she didn’t cook., etc. So one day his brother and I was helping him in the yard and he asked for me to get him a cookie and a coke. I provided fruit, cheese, crackers along with the cookie and I got scolded in front of his brother for giving him more than he asked. It was for his brother too but he didn’t offer his brother anything. I gave him a home and family and it still wasn’t enough. Everything became complicated with him even the simplist thing like planning a gathering with his family became extremely difficult and never happened. Always there was excuses or turmoil so he said in his family. He wouldnt even walk with his family at his fathers funeral nor had his kids sit with him during the service. This was a rude earth shattering wake up call while I also seen his potential next victim at the service also. Where was my family man that I had engrained in my head? It was never there nor could there be a home with family because he held the cards. Wow! I have never been more wrong about someone. Never even new a sociopath narcissist existed. Yes I miss miss his friendship and I wish that was all it had ever been. But he is evil on the inside because he is self seeking in all that he does. Wants that attention, power and pat on the back at all costs. And his freedom to do what he wants when he wants because he feels he deserves it morally or immoral. I gave and gave and gave. He will never see our relationship as priority despite his talk of it. He couldnt live up to all the promises he promised but oh was so convincing! I never doubted one word of it for the first three years or more. Ugh. My Counselor said to see my future and make it happen. Keep your eyes on the prize! That is a huge change from the one he had engrained in my mind. I thought my life was settled. Lol. That’s where I was blindsided. I was counting on him when he was doing more talking than doing to show he was committed to the promises. If you don’t see it in writing then it’s not happening! He didn’t commit to his first marriage why now? What the hell? I want to see me out of the sociopath hell and into the light of freedom ! Keep your head up as mine is higher just trying to help you my new friend. We will get through this. What makes you happy? Is there a hobby you would like to start that makes you smile?

        AlohaLover commented: “PS: When I said It thought of him, I would think of the fun and the “love” but it was all BS. And then I think of the times he cheated, lied, chose whores and hookers over me and refused to take me to the ER when I needed to go because losing 25 pounds “

        Liked by 1 person

  8. Army of Angels

    I love your new blog name…very descriptive of the trip made to hell and back. It is true, if kids are involved, the sociopath will use them as a weapon of destruction through emotional abuse and control. They are sick…I only hope that when the next victim becomes part of my children’s lives, that she is kind to them… and that my kids don’t witness the inevitable abuse…

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  9. karenthom2014

    Hi Tela, sociopath hell, it’s so true, they make sure they do bazaar things to shock or amuse you, they say the same things over and over again, I had it for ten years, then your doing something as simple as ironing listening to music then as song will come on and reminds you of the terror you went through, it can be a nightmare for me at times,
    Well, I drove pass him again today, he slowed down and I just continued to drive as if no one was there, I did not even look at him in his car. Very proud of myself, as I have been feeling low. I really did not feel any guilt, sadness, or any thing for him, in fact I laughed inside as I could take it as closure, he wants to talk to me, and I don’t. I’m so glad for this site as, I thought I was ok, then I’m not. Yes, thoughts of him, very destroying. Well, maybe there might be confrontation soon, I’m strong enough now, with all my knowledge , to walk away and say nothing to him. I see him as poison!! And we all know what happens when you take poison! Thanks for the new post.

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  10. RobinNow

    Six months of crying every day. My heart physically hurt. Your posts were and are invaluable to me. Slowly, I am finding strength, finding my smile, my support system. My yoga teacher says “where the mind goes, your energy flows.” Slowly I am focusing on the positive. Thank you for sharing your wisdom

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • Tela

      Thank you Robin for your comment. Keep following the Yoga teacher’s great advice, as that is so very true! 😀 I do know how hard it has been for you to get to this point, and there will be more days to come that are craptastic. As long as you maintain No Contact, or try & go back & ‘fix’ anything, eventually you will have complete peace of mind again. It is a very long & slow process, but you have to keep digging & holding on to that strength! ❤

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  11. Leaving A Narcissist

    I so needed that today! I had to break no contact to show I was trying to work on the issue of where she will go to school with him (to avoid contempt charges- again) and within 5 minutes he had me spinning with his insults and calling me crazy and I needed therapy and he was disappointed in me and I was having an affair with my lawyer and…and…and… I finally just got up and walked out of the restaurant but then he started in with his email harassment…. It’s never going to be over and it just makes me want to crawl under the covers and cry. So thank you for your post!

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    • Tela

      Thank You Leaving A Narcissist for the comment & Re-blog ❤ Ohhhhhhhh how myself & all the other's can relate to the 'within 5 minutes he had your head spinning'. Yep! The Sociopath has a fantastic ability to do that to us! EVERY SINGLE THING is YOUR FAULT! EVERYTHING! They are so immature {terminal adolescence I call it}, they absolutely REFUSE to listen to reason/court orders/TRUTHS or anything to do with their crazy!! And the delusional bullshit about you having an affair and on and on and on, is quite simply, his way of projecting onto you what is actually going on in HIS HEAD! Their brains are a Tsunami Shit Storm of delusional crazy!! I hope you did not respond to his harassing email(s), because all that will do is keep his crazy fire burning. Simply print them out, keep them in a nice folder to present to your attorney/solicitor and if need be file a harassment suit against his sorry ass. Okay, I apologize for the cold, hard reality of this post and this comment. But as long as you,

        everyone

      continues to feed these sick Men & Women by acknowledging any of their wants/needs/demands/desires/threats etc., you will stay in Sociopath Hell.

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  12. Julie

    You rock! You always speak to what I’m going through with this NO Contact healing process. It truly feels like hell. I want to wake up one morning and realise it never happened. It was just a nightmare. So many memories that keeps it fresh. I’m trying so hard to rid my head of the years of emotional ups and downs ! So many false promises and dreams that I fell for! Never new these kind of men existed in my world. Keep this blog going! It helps so much!

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    • Tela

      Thank you Julie! I understand how hard it is for you! I truly do! It’s as if you have to have your brain shocked and all the memories erased….. if only that easy! 😦 instead, we have to sufffer the mental & emotional hell each day, until the day finally comes when you no longer feel that pull of the Sociopath Hell Inertia! I do know it is a daily, sometimes hourly struggle! And I cannot emphasize enough the importance of No Contact. Even though your head and/or heart screams out ‘I want/need to talk to the ex just on more time‘ & that one more time leads back into Sociopath Hell and day zero of starting over again. Thank for the compliment on my site!! ❤ let me know if there is something in particular you would like me to address in a future post.

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  13. Only Me

    Nice post Tela. I agree with you: Sociopath Hell! sounds like a perfect name for your blog, and suits perfectly what we go thru. Much luck and success with your blog.

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