A Healing & Informative Site About Narcissistic Sociopaths

Escaping the Noise

Being with a Narcissist Sociopath is like being with a person who suffer’s from terminal adolescence. They were unable/unwilling to give you what you needed to sustain a healthy relationship. There is a whole lot of ‘take’ and very minimal ‘give’. And at the end of the relationship your are left with The Noise in your head.

This Noise can consist of all the negative verbally said to you, emotional warfare during the relationship. It can be you beating yourself up for putting up with what you did for as long as you did. Or it may be why you didn’t see the red flags. It can come from reading text/emails from the Sociopath, trying to make any sense of the senseless. The Noise from the Sociopath remains long after you are physically away from them. Even if with the no contact in place, there will be times you are alone with your thought’s, those thoughts turn into The Noise.

When you were with your Narcissist Sociopath, you were silently conditioned to their wants/needs/desires. Even though you entered into the relationship with a head full of hope and happiness and a heart full of love, they never quite ‘entered’ into the relationship. To the Sociopath it was all about sustaining them. Now you will have to make a conscious effort to stop The Noise. If you find yourself obsessing over them~ stop! This obsession is so damaging to your mental health. You can will & wish & obsess all you want, but let’s be realistic, it will not change who they are, period. This obsessive thought process creates more Noise. You have to deal with them because of the children~ set boundaries. If you stick to your boundaries you are stopping The Noise! Confusion from what you just went through {be it 2 months or 20 years}, can create a lot of Noise. Because the Sociopath operates in what I call ‘spin mode’ you never know what is going to come out of their mouth ie: Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde, and you never know what their actions are.

The easiest way to Escape The Noise is by not becoming your own worst enemy. If you find yourself drifting to thought’s of them, drift your thoughts another direction. Make that conscious effort! You are reconditioning your thought process. Yes! It is difficult because you are dealing with so many emotions! However, it is do able! And you can do it!! If you have to make up a positive mantra to say to yourself, do it! Figure out what works to take your thoughts off of them, and stick to it!

“Decide what it is you want

write that shit down

make a fucking plan

and……

work on it

every

single

day”

leonie dawon

©SociopathLife.com

26 Responses to “Escaping the Noise”

  1. karenthom2014

    Escaping the noise was a great post, so so true, seeing is believing, the noise does get further and further away with time and patience, enjoying , having plucked up the courage to flee . I’m now trying to enjoy life, I’m not saying it’s easy .

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  2. hey_there_Delilah

    Tela, that’s a very good point and one that I have the hardest time with. I constantly go over what I could have done differently to change the outcome of the relationship, that is the discard! And I know there’s nothing I could have changed it but my mind still wonders and looks to make sense out of the whole thing. It was so intense and happened so fast and ended so abruptly, and of course that’s probably because he read me well and saw that this is the way he can hurt me the most. He did enjoy creating that confusion and walking away like nothing ever happened, it didn’t affect him at all that he broke me and ruined such a big part of my life. But they all do just that, don’t they? Well I took your suggestion and today finally blocked him on all social media. Now if I can only let go of this sick hope that I would hear from him and get the honeymoon phase back, I would probably get over it all faster. As another reader pointed out, it was just infatuation and addiction and we know that, but why did we all mistake it for true love and soulmates and happily every after?

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    • Santaland

      Delilah, Tela can give my email address to you, no problem, if I can help, I will. Now as for your response below to my longish response to you:

      1. The mutual friends (6) of them, they treat you differently now etc, what does that tell you? They WILL report back anything and everything you say…why? Lack of anything better to do perhaps. So yes, distance yourself, and NEVER mention his name, question what he is up to, anything. Ask nothing. They might ask, simply say ‘I have nothing to say about him’.

      2. You stated you can hurt him. Don’t!!!! Sure we would like to expose them, we will lose. And you are still contributing to the game. He will retaliate, deny, twist the truth and it will come back on you…perhaps with a vengence.

      3. Active participant. Yes you were, sure we were under a spell, great sex, made us mentally feel on top of the world until the D&D. At the end you stated ‘gave him the gun…..’ Is that not an active participant? Moreover, we did not listen to our gut and ignored the flags. So yes an active participant under a spell, drug or whatever that they gave us and we took blindly.

      4. Sure Delilah, many times after the final break up did and (and still do sometimes) have the what if, perhaps, could be, perhaps was to judgeing, too rigid, too sensitive etc etc etc. That is called cognitive dissonance. Sure I wish sometimes she would contact me, even though within a month she was living with the new guy. Engaged shortly thereafter (weeks)….What keeps me going with NC and totally ignoring her is thinking about all the stunts she pulled, the lies, the hitting, the yelling, the entitlement coupled with the Smear Cam. oddly nobody has approached yet, but they look (her mignons, flying monkeys etc). I am fully aware how she operates, and she wants drama/attention. I know for a fact she would love for me to A. break down beg her back (so she can look at me with disgust, but with a smirk say, sorry, you fucked up and I am truly in love with my future husband – who has 3 children etc) B. Blame her (so she can report to her friends, he is so jealous, crazy etc. see that is why I left him for the new guy..) C. Act friendly (so she can now play triangualtion game with me, her current man…and maybe somebody she already has identified as a potential).

      Delilah, they are predators, think about a cat and mouse, especially when the mouse is trapped, half dead from everything, yet the cat just sits there and watches, and when the mouse gets strength and courage, wham, the paw slams down….eventually they will go for the kill. Basically always moving forward. No responsibility, no shame, no accountabliity, nothing, we are to blame.

      The only time they stop is when they meet someone like themselves, either they will canabalize themselves or they will not even engage with each other, why, because there are simpler targets (us) who show compassion, empathy, patience etc.

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    • Tela

      Delilah~ I’m so proud of you for taking that first step and blocking him. I KNOW how difficult that was/is. By doing that, you have gained back some of your emotional control. I know you still hold out hope that he will contact you. Like I’ve said before to other’s, ask yourself this question while holding out hope: what is the outcome of him contacting you? And now ask yourself: what REALLY will be the outcome? If he wanted the happily ever after he would not have discarded you so abruptly. IF he wanted ANYTHING to do with you, he would have made it happen. He got what he wanted, used you, & threw you out like yesterday’s garbage. Is that how you want to be treated? Because if you were to ever end up with the Sociopath, you will spend the rest of your life in a mental & emotional HELL.

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      • hey_there_Delilah

        Tela, this reply is something I need to memorize and constantly repeat to myself. Thank you!!!!! It never crossed my mind to think this way. I was so focused on holding on to this hope that he will contact me and want me back that I didn’t even think at all to ask myself what will the outcome of that be. And you’re right, I would be with a person who is using me, destroying me, playing head games, manipulating, enjoying my suffering. He certainly did during and after the discard. What sort of life would that be? I feel so much better after reading your reply Tela, I feel like my thoughts have shifted and I can breathe again. I can’t thank you enough. You are an angel.
        Delilah

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  3. hey_there_Delilah

    Santaland, I did read Sociopath Weekend. I can’t imagine the kind of confusion she was creating on a daily basis if this is what your weekend looked like. The fork incident is shocking, how she would even brag to your son. I am sure you had so many other stories of confusion and torture, it’s hard to even imagine but it’s probably why a year after no contact you still hear the noise. Plus seeing her almost daily. I guess I should feel lucky this relationship I had lasted only five weeks which was all idealization, then came the discard, then after two weeks of ignoring me came another week of getting me back and that’s the only time I felt the devalue and confusion and i went no contact. It’s now over a week of no contact but the noise is terrible. But like you I find it more helpful instead of blocking the thoughts about him to just think of the discard and the terrible confusion instead. The mask slipping and seeing this terrible empty shells that they really are. Is your noise mostly about bad things she did or about missing those magical times from the beginning when all was perfect? I don’t understand why after almost ruining my life, the thoughts I have about him are thoughts of those amazing memories! I don’t even know how I could deal with it if I actually saw him, like you see her daily. It has to be really hard to put someone out of your mind when you always run into them. But I guess we should feel lucky that they don’t do more damage to us. But I am pretty sure he is running a smear campaign to all our mutual friends. What smear campaign was she running against you? Thanks for replying to me, I find it very helpful.
    Delilah

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    • Santaland

      Delilah, thank you for your compassion. It does not matter if it is 5 weeks, 5 months or 5 years. It is uncanny how they sweep into your life, take over, almost paralize us and then the mask slips. You Delilah are currently wounded mentally, and thus like any predator, they will now toy with you, woo you, provoke you etc. Remember they more or less do the same thing, male or female no matter where they are from in the world. It is a script just different characters which repeats itself over and over again.

      In your case and in my opinion, since you are married and do have a young child, the smear campaign could hurt you more than you think, if he indeed is going all out if you are NC and reject him. Yes, it could indirectly come to your husband’s attention or telling lies about how you allegedly ‘treat’ your son etc. They are vicious, bored, nasty when you see through them. They know this, they are fully aware, but do not care. That is what makes it hard for us to understand and accept.

      We live on a hope, but with these types there is no hope. How can you have a normal relationship with a dysfunctional person. We then hope for the idealize phase, call it honeymoon phase, call it love bombing, all the same thing. It will NEVER be the same as then, yet we hope it will. So they throw a few bones of niceness for us to think, ahhh finally they see the light. Bullshit, they don’t see the light.

      Read Tela’s rejection, in fact read the entire site and you will see the red thread how it is all connected and the same. I read somwhere it takes an average of 7 break ups to finally end the pathetic relationship we have with them…well it took 6 for me. And another thing, even if they move on, as Tela has pointed out…they always move forward, whilst we sit there figuring things out and picking up from the mess they left us in. BUT, weeks, months and have heard even years later, they may return as if nothing…and look at us as complete losers if we show any type of emotion to them. I mean any, sadness, forgiveness, anger, hurt whatever….they read us very well.

      Delilah, it is not my business to ask or blame you in any shape or manner being married etc. That is your business. Just remember, we were active participants in their ridiculous game, thus that is what we have to accept. We neglected our gut feelings e.g. too good to be true…but they are good at what they do, make us feel like we can fly, and this you know we cannot. The higher we go the harder we will fall.

      I would strongly urge you to circle your wagons and protect yourself from an onslaught of a smear campaign. With me, the ex is simply telling everyone how terrible I was….REALLY, Sociopath Weekend was mild. I had a colleague at work who pulled me aside and said…need to talk to you, are you gay and into SM? I looked at her shocked. She said, look at you, losing weight, scratches on your hands, cuts on your scalp, sometimes a bruised lip or swollen. So I told her the truth…she said get out and get out now, do not look back, for a year she has seen me hide my hands under the table during meetings etc.

      Simply do not participate. When and if someone comes to me and says I heard this or that, simply ask really, were you there and leave it at that. Why because the sociopath has already come up with e.g. if he says this it means that, if he says that it means this. Why, because my ex used to say that some of her friends were whores, yet close friends of hers…then I realized she was talking about herself. Sex is a big item on their agenda since they are empty to the core. When you ask them where have you been all my life (in the beginning)…well that is the question…where have they been and where have they not been. Do not participate in their bullshit and maintain NC full stop. Disengage, do not respond to anything. And yes they will play the victim and pity card too.

      Please read Its No Longer About You.

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      • Tela

        The only way to Escape the Noise is when we make the conscious effort. Yes, thoughts of the Ex will come into our minds at any given time. We may even have dreams of them. When you constantly try to reason with unreasonable & unthinkable that keeps the Noise in place. The pain will eventually lessen, and The Noise will eventually dissipate. But only when you finally realize that no matter what you would have said, done, given, begged etc. the outcome would still be the same. The Sociopath will still be gone, tossing you aside and on to the next.

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      • hey_there_Delilah

        Santaland, thank you for your reply. I don’t even know where to begin. I can’t believe it took 6 tries to end the relationship with Her – was she so good at sucking you in every time you ended it? For me, it went from honeymoon to discard, literally overnight. Then sucking me back in, then I saw weird things that showed me he must be mentally sick (I didn’t know about sociopaths then), and I ended it and here we are at ten days NC and I have not heard from him at all. In one way I want him to contact me and then feel sick to my stomach that Any part of me wants it, as I know he is just a horrible horrible person and would bring me nothing except ruining even more than he ruined. But I know he is running a smear Campaign and making himself look like the big victim. He is very good at playin that part as I guess your ex is too and probably all of them. What is the best way to deal with these 6 friends that we have in common? Should I distance myself, cut them off, etc? I would feel sorry to end those friendships but they all seem to believe his stories because they treat me differently. They don’t say what he said, in fact they don’t even mention him but just ask me about him and try to get my opinion, but that’s almost worse because it really shows they are
        On his side! Believe me I did think about the many ways he can hurt me if he wanted to. Te thing stopping him is I think that he knows I have ways I could hurt him too if only I wanted to. I’m not that person to hurt anyone. I just blocked him on social media today, I guess that’s a big step. I don’t need to know what he does anymore but sometimes I still wonder. If I could only stop the noise. I never cheated on anyone and here I cheated with him, I feel terrible. But I can’t change these facts, and you say we were active participants in their sick game, but were we? We were mind controlled! Our real selves would have never done things we did while we were with these empty shells. I know I would have never cheated and I know all I did was based on these fantasies and stories and promises he was selling me. All words. I almost wish he devalued me first and made me feel worthless, then at least I could think of that when my mind goes to him but all I have is idealization and then discard, so I guess it’s natural my mind goes to honeymoon since discard was just one day basically. It took you 6 tries to end it, and it took me just one, and in a sick way I wonder why doesn’t he try again? Instead if being happy he left me alone and probably moved on to sucking someone else’s life. Such a user and abuser. And this doesn’t even come Close to your experience especially if you say sociopath weekend was even an understatement. I can’t imagine what you went through in that year and a half you spent with her. It’s just like you say, they come in like a tornado and leave us in shambles and don’t care about the mess we are in, they got their fun and don’t owe us any thing. How did your son react to the final break up? How old is he? It’s so much harder because we have children that were affected although I guess I should be lucky my son never was introduced to the sociopath. In many ways I am lucky he discarded me before I lost everytning and my life got really ruined. But this is why I am even more surprise I still can’t get him out of my head.
        I wonder if Tela minds that we are having a conversation on her site? I wouldn’t mind exchanging emails if you would not mind, Santaland. I don’t know if this is maybe a strange request but I guess because I can’t tell anyone about this experience it is very helpful to have someone who has been trough the same thing as you say they all have the same m.o.
        I think by now I read Tela’s entire site, I doubt I missed any posts and it was really helpful, I don’t know what I would have done without these posts because I was left in such confusion after discard. And I keep reading any free minute I have, even at work. But how can you protect yourself from a smear campaign? I just have no idea. But I know he is running one even if he moved on. The lucky thing is that my husband travels for business a few times a month and doesn’t have time to see friends often, but yes it would not be difficult for him to find out what I did. But that is something I really have no control over. If the sociopath decides to ruin my life, he can easily do it an any point in time. This is what makes me feel most stupid. he can shoot me anytime he wants, because I basically handed him the gun and all the ammunition!

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  4. Léa

    Absolutely, if you think it is not possible, find those who will support the belief that it is. I’m living proof!

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  5. hey_there_Delilah

    Thank you, Tela! This post came in at the perfect time. I am trying so hard to stop the obsessive thoughts of him, but I find that shifting thoughts to something else doesn’t work for me because if I do that they just come out when I least expect them, for example I will be playing with my son or having an interesting conversation at work, and I just catch myself not being present and my thought drifting back to the sociopath! How is this possible. I have such a hard time blocking the noise but I wonder if maybe it’s expecting to much to be over him just a week since I started no contact. I admire everyone who gets over years long relationships and marriages with sociopaths, because I find it impassible to get over and it lasted just barely over a month, but I feel like my mind has been through a whirlwind and I am just now coming down off that addiction that this relationship was. Tela, would you mind explaining what exactly you mean when you say that they operate in “spin mode”? Thank you!

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    • Santaland

      To hey there Delilah, I know exactly what you mean. We focus on something totally different, even something important e.g. you son, or at work…and the noise follows, our thoughts simply go back to that ‘special person’. I have been NC for almost a year, and broke up over a year ago yet there is something, the poison, the whatever, sometimes fond memories, sometimes curiosity, sometimes anger, hurt etc….but yes it is always in the back of our mind. There is no set solution due to no real closure. For me, well I focus on the things she did, said and the aftermath smear campaign. That gives me the strength to realize what a pathetic, lying waste of human trash she was….I know many would say, wow, such negative thoughts, no healthy, etc…..my issue is the geographical location and I see her almost daily. No I cannot move. Bottom line, I know what you are saying.

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      • hey_there_Delilah

        Thank you for your insight, Santaland. Yes it’s exactly how you describe it. The situation is just more complicated for me because I am married and the month I spent with this sociopath was an affair 😦 I never cheated on anyone and I don’t know how he got me into this affair, and the break up made no sense at all, even if he did “give me closure”. But when I found Tela’s site and started reading, that was perfect closure for me because it was like she was describing him. I am so disheartened to hear that you were NC for a year and still have thoughts about her… Do you mind sharing how long was the relationship? Did you have children together? I have a 3 year old son who was badly affected by my affair as I put him on the back burner to please the sociopath! I feel so ashamed to admit that. And he is still affected as I can’t stop “the noise”! Luckily I don’t run into him at all but we have many mutual friends, and that’s ankther issue for me. I would assume the situation is worse for you because you see her daily, especially if you see her parading other “loves” in front of you. I still can’t wrap my mind around the fact that such evil, horrible people exist in this world. I hope we al find a way to get them out of our minds and forget them.

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      • Santaland

        To hey there Delilah, i was with her for 1.5 years, she moved in without any discussiion….yes i am ashamed that my son was exposed to her bullshit. Read Sociopath Weekend on this blog….and that was mild what i described. For example, she stabbed me with fork in my hand because i disagreed about some interior she wanted in my apartment….I simply said, nice but it is my home and not a restaurant….the fork went in deep and i had to use the linen to cover the bleeding…fast forward a few months later, we are there with my son…she says, ohhhhh, this was the place i stabbed your father with a fork. My son looks at me and asks it this true…and I respond, yes, she had a moment…inside am furious that she bragged about this to him. Naturally when I got home, I was hurt, embarrased, humiliated and more…and she shrugged…..Read Sociopath Weekend…that gives you a window to what it was.

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  6. Santaland

    Tela, thank you for reposting this, I constantly need reminders…yes the proverbial kick in the ass to remind of the Noise. That is so true, we hope and believe, this is it, this is the person I have been searching for all my life, s/he understands me, desires me, cherishes me….and I reciprocate only to find out it was just Noise and truly a nasty coreless spineless backstabbing person. I still believe down there somewhere is someone crying out for us to reach them…but sorry it is not humanly possible with these types unless we are robots only then could we perhaps survive being with them, but am sure they would find a way to destroy the robot too. Now that is not a healthy relationship. Am always curious about when does this bullshit they do stop. The answer is never, but that is impossible to internalize, at least for me. I honestly thought that this was only in the movies…where do they find the energy to hide behind the mask?

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    • Tela

      Thank you SantaLand for your comment. Yes, some need constant ‘reminders’ that the emotional roller coaster is in fact The Noise left from the Sociopath. And their ‘energy’ is simply their whole entire f’d up being. It’s doesn’t take ‘energy’for them to be like they are. Remember, it was a learned behaviour, it’s going through life mimicking other’s. It’s about saying and acting a certain way to draw you in. Which to the Sociopath is a game. They do not understand that real emotions {from the victims perspective} were involved, as they {Sociopath} is without conscious.

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    • hey_there_Delilah

      Santaland, did you also feel like eberytning with this person is like straight out of the movies? First the love fairy tale, too good to be true, and the horror of the d&d, which was like a horror movie, when the mask slips. I am still traumatized by the experience so much that I have nightmares every night which I just can’t shake, and this relationship only lasted 5 weeks!! But so much damage done in such a short time.
      Tela, do you think it doesn’t take them energy to play the part so well with each target? I just read in the “mask of sanity” that it is actually great effort for them to play the role and that’s why the mask sometimes slips and we have windows to see their real persona, the red flags which we all ignore.

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    • Tela

      LifeGoesOn, we all wish we could wake up to find our memories erased. If only that easy. And we know that is not the case. We have to feel the pain of the loss, the peace, the trust. Every single thing good in us PRIOR to the Sociopath we have to re-learn and believe in ourselves! ❤

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    • hey_there_Delilah

      This is exactly what I wish for every day, for anything to happen to wipe my memory clean to the time before I met this life sucking sociopath who nearly completely destroyed my life. How do you get over the feeling of being the biggest sucker in the world for being so duped? I can’t begin to describe how stupid I feel and I keeping being in this land of wishful thinking, wishing I never crossed paths with that monster.

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  7. Persia Karema

    Great post. When I have found myself ‘drifting’, I promptly think of Idris Elba, Henry Cavill or Dwayne Johnson! (As you can see, I have no specific taste in men). They are hot distractions! It took a little while, but I’ve been doing this since July last year. One gets better and better at it! Really works – for me anyway.

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