A Healing & Informative Site About Narcissistic Sociopaths

Sociopath Survival

So many readers send emails asking the same question “how do I ever get over this”.  The first thing you need to recognize is that the relationship with the Sociopath was a death. A death of the person you were prior to them, and a death of the relationship itself. So with that being said, you have to grieve. For some that is hard to do because you can’t let go. For other’s children are involved so there is a need for contact. In this post, I am going to make references to previous post I have made that are in the archives. They will be underlined in blue.  Please click on each post and read it. It will help you to survive where you have been, where you are now,  and how to go forward. 

So you already know the signs & traits  of the person you were with. And you sit and wonder why didn’t you see all the red flagsA Sociopath makes sure to progress the relationship quickly so as to keep you unbalanced. Meaning, they want you to think they are the most fabulous person you have ever met because they do know, in fact, they are sickThey also know from moment ONE that they are rejecting you even though you are falling in love with them, they are already planning {or have already planned} the exit.

So now that you have finally figured out what happened in the beginning and your friends or family are telling you to ‘get over it’. It’s not that simple. You can’t just get over the most evil, vile person who has ever been in your life. You have been devalued  and discarded  in often cases the most cruelest of ways. This is where a part of you has diedAnd this is also what people who have not been involved with a Sociopath cannot understand. This was not a ‘normal’ break-up or divorce. This was HELL.

You also know that no contact  is a must, or you will never heal. If you have children you have to have the boundaries  even though the Sociopath probably will not respect them. Do it for you! If you find yourself missing the ex and want to reach back out to them, be prepared for the same bullshit lies. No matter the time apart from them, they will not wake up a changed person one day. Please understand that! A Sociopath cannot, cannot be ‘fixed,changed/healed/helped‘ etc. Yes, I know your mind takes you back to the good timesHowever, those good times were fake, they were not sincere and the Sociopath was not connected like you were. They were in a constant state of Head Fuckery being done to you, which created the trauma bonding. 

Each of the above post will take you back to a different time in your relationship with the Sociopath. As you read, you will begin to relate and clarity will come. Take each day as it comes. You can’t hurry the healing along. You also cannot go back and un-do the damage. Your friends & family do want to help, but unless they truly know what you have been through, you don’t need to hear the words ‘just get over it’. Because that ‘IT’ encompasses so much.

so you lied about what you did, how you felt, who you were, and bascially pretended to be a fake person who didn’t exist. but your calling me ‘crazy’…okay! 

©SociopathLife.Com

31 Responses to “Sociopath Survival”

  1. Ed Harvey

    Wow! It’s so comforting to know that people here understand what I have been through. Ur right no one can comprehend what u go through. I’m a 48 year old man that has been in marriage for ten years with a female narsoccist sociopath. After the first two years I admitted myself in a mental health hospital. I thought I was going crazy. We r going through our divorce right now. I guess on a good note the last ten years has prepared me for a nasty divorce. lol. Thanks for ur writings

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    • Santaland

      This statement is so true “keep you unbalanced” through their garbage/poison that comes out of their mouth. Have you ever tried to sit them down to discuss an issue or something that bothers you etc? Sure you have! Result is rejection (Tela has a section on this) and garbage, twisting the truth or projecting back on you and changing the subject…now this is pending their mood. Their mood changes quicker than a light switch. And this conversation will come back ON you…blame, accusations YOU are causing drama and problems, YOU have the problems, yet oddly they created them. So now YOU look like the problem maker and are totally confused…so the best strategy is to shut up, say nothing and accept their bullshit behavior. If not, then it is time to close this chapter in your life with them….they will never ever see the relationship through empathy and compassion.

      What bothers me is why am I having to teach an adult the fundamentals of ‘playing nice’ in the sandbox? Teaching and highlighting the most basic rules of engagement that we are taught in pre-school (kindergarten where I am from). Be nice, don’t push, share your toys, do not hit, stop what you are doing, apologize, that was not kind, why is she/he crying did you do anything? Please listen, that was unfair etc etc etc. The fundamentals of kindergarten to an adult. Why? Because they remain in the proverbial 3-6 year old stage and never grow. But they keep you unbalanced, on guard and when bored will create drama and the cycle begins. You lose no matter how you tackle it!

      So we think of the old ABBA song, the winner takes it all, (just saw the live show at the theatre). I disagree, they did not win, they lost, they lost our love, empathy, compassion, loyalty and fun, why? Because those evil monsters never can feel and enjoy those innate attributes. They pretend to feel them, but get very bored very quickly. So what do they do….keep us unbalanced until we walk away and never look back.

      My personal situation is a bit more difficult, simply because I see her almost daily, her shop is downstairs and she smokes in front of the entrance to my building…so the healing takes longer. In 24 hours it will be exactly 1 year since I threw her nasty vicious ass out finally.

      Tela always said they are in constant forward motion. True, because when I ended it, am sure they were alreday preparing for the discard anyways, the new victim was on the hook….all she had to do was throw out the net and put her claws in…within a few months she was living with him (the new shinning knight) and engaged shortly thereafter.

      No contact, no eye contact, just walk on by is my only strategy. But that does not mean I do not hurt inside still.

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      • Persia Karema

        I am so sorry you went through what you did and that you are still hurting. I can’t imagine how you feel having to see the one who hurt you on a regular basis 😦 .
        When I left my (ex) husband with our then twelve week old son, five weeks later he met his current girlfriend, then a week after meeting, they were in a relationship. Two weeks later, they were declaring their undying love for each other. Just six weeks after being together, he proposed to her – they were engaged. Just nine months later, she was pregnant for him, and when my son with him was just a year old, their son was born. So yes, they do move fast. Really fast.
        I felt the first year was the hardest. You are at a milestone. It won’t happen over night, but it does start to get a little easier, slowly but surely.
        I personally don’t believe in keeping quiet about it and walking away which is what a lot of people say to do. This just gives these nasty individuals more fuel. I spoke out about my experiences, and believe me, it was no holds barred. I’d not anonymous either. And I know they read/follow my blog.
        However, it’s not to say that what you are doing is wrong. There is no way I am saying that, as you have no choice but to see your ex and I really feel for you. My ex is nowhere near me, thank God.
        Don’t let anyone tell you “Get over it”, or the like. You will heal in your own time at your own pace. I wish you luck on your healing journey.
        Love and hugs. xoxo

        Liked by 1 person

    • Santaland

      Thank you! And thank you for sharing…amazing these people who all read from the same script, just different characters. She flaunts her happiness and I simply avoid. Plus she has her army of flying monkeys, many whom I have met or know a bit…but no matter, that is what they are flying monkeys. Am actually waiting for the day her current man contacts me (if he does), because I will not bad mouth her, just ask him to start any story and I will end it for him….and that will blow his mind. Then I will welcome him, ask him to read Tela’s blog and begin his journey out of this total mindfuck abuse by a freak of nature.

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      • Persia Karema

        You’re welcome. I totally agree about them reading from the same script and being different characters. As for the “Flying Monkeys”, unfortunately, we do tend to know them, but thankfully, in my situation, they are members of his own family and some of his own ‘friends’. None of which I am in contact with, which suits me just fine.
        I saw a private message last year on Facebook which had apparently been sent from his girlfriend to me, slagging me off. I laughed at it and promptly turned it into a post. Fab timing as I didn’t really know what I should write about at that point! I turned a negative into a positive. Thing is, if it really was from her (and not him just using her account), she’s next, and she’s definitely not as strong as myself. For you see, he chose a very needy individual, who just wanted to be loved. Thing is, I think you are right with what you propose to do. Should she ever contact me in the future (somehow), I will tell her that I wish her well with her healing process. What else can I do after she participated in trying to tar my name – without even knowing what had actually gone on or even knowing me? He almost killed me a number of times by strangulation and suffocation with a pillow during and after my pregnancy. I just hope this time, he doesn’t succeed.
        Please stay in touch if you wish, to let me know how you are getting along.
        Love and hugs.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Santaland

        To Persia, thanks for sharing some more…the physical abuse is terrible, but for me as a man, the worst is the mental bullshit that went on. I have written all over the place with Tela’s blessing if you will. Read SocioInk to get a quick view of a typical weekend.

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  2. marvelingsoul

    SI much is said about the “sick” one and I found it hard to find help for myself after realizing what I was dealing with. Blogging became my only source of outlet and seeing you post stuff like this to help other codependents and hurting people is awesome. God bless you. It helps.

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    • Tela

      Thank you for the kind words. If you need to email me & have any questions or if there is anything I have not written about they may help you, please do. Telahill1@gmail.com Hang in there Marvelingsoul. You will get through this!!! God Bless you as well ❤

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  3. 18mitzvot

    “They also know from moment ONE that they are rejecting you even though you are falling in love with them, they are already planning {or have already planned} the exit.”

    You know, I often temporarily forget this truth because I don’t want to look at it. Thanks for putting it right in my face. He had decided before we even moved in together that he was going to reject, yet he still encouraged me to fall in love with him. He hurt me on purpose and he had planned it ahead of time.

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    • Tela

      Thank you Rivka for your comment. Yes, they truly do plan the exit from moment one, all the while we are falling in love. With the grand illusion they made of themselves. Sometimes we need this reality check because for so long we were under their Toxic spell. And yes, he did ‘hurt you on purpose’, but remember, the Narcissistic Sociopath does not even think about your hurt! And if they do, they justify it as ‘you deserved it’. They are in a constant forward motion, never looking back. 😦 keep that beautiful head up, and keep blogging. It has helped me and countless others!! ❤

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  4. Santaland

    Again Tela, this is very good for those who just got out and are starting their journey and also as reinforcement for those who are in the midst of untangling this mess we innocently got involved in. I use the word innocence because somehow that is what they steal from us, our willingness to give our heart and soul which they smirk at once they have it. They see it as a source for supply (selfish) and weakness in us. But no matter, as you Tela pointed out, it was doomed from day one.

    Which leads me further down the road, triangulation. It will be for me 1 year in 3 days that I threw her out finally (6 times prior) due to horrendous manipulative behavior. They set us up to fail. But they continue…at first they feel superior flaunting their new ‘love’ on social media (am not on any FB, instagram etc) or by other means e.g their slaves/flying monkeys. Actually I have noted the flying monkeys (their supporters and one’s who do thier dirty work so they can claim innocence) all have a aura of misery and envy around themselves. My ex slowly has started to ‘contact’ (called hoovering) first by saying hi to my son, then by saying ‘happy new year’ in that child like Marilyn Monroe voice….but I remain indifferent and silent. She (they) they perceive this as bitterness and jealousy and tell their flying monkeys this…part of the smear campaign, but I suspect they are furious that they have lost control because they operate in 3’s….the past, the current and the future victims.

    As Tela has said, they are always moving forward, but they need that supply to prove to themselves that they have control, power, winning, and influence. They would love for the 3 of us to fight over them….but regret, this victim (me) is not playing anymore. I left that sandbox of nasty children with no filters, empathy or feeling (unless it affects them directly and they suddenly become the pity victim). Emotional rape and emotional (and physical) vampires. Stay away….FOREVER if you can.

    FYI, I have changed my name from A Male Victim in Santaland to simply Santaland, am not a victim, am a survivor, much becuase of Tela and her support and female perspective.

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    • Tela

      Thank you Santaland, & I ❤ the new name & why you changed it!! That is progress. Yes, your ex has started her indirect contact…typical. As we talked about something is slowly unraveling with the new partner & therefore she THINKS because she was able to suck you in before, that she can do it again. However, you are so much more educated now about who she is. You are so much stronger emotionally than when you were entangled in her Train Wreck of her life. You have healed physically from her abuse. Yet, you have deep scars, and even second guess your worth. Please don’t do that. You know how much you have to offer to the RIGHT woman, you know the road you have been down & how dark it was. Now you are seeing the light. Yes, with occasional dark days, but that is to be expected. And what a terrific comment about wanting the ‘3 of you to fight, the ex, the current & the future. Such a profound point!! ❤

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      • Santaland

        Let’s play the numbers game, it least from my persepective. I had read in various places it takes on average 7 times of break up and make up to finally end it permanently. This goes both ways, if they D&D you or you D&D them. In my case 6 times, but there was always the threat by her since there was a line of future victims always.

        Next, in numbers, even whilst with you, they always tend to migrate to the opposite sex to get attention. At least so it was in my case, and heaven forbid if I thought it was getting a bit out of hand or misleading to some men (her ‘firends’) to which I was called jealous, insecure etc. but who knows about the flurry of FB or personal msgs she got….hence, always numbers. BTW, according to her ALL women are whores!!!! To which I disagreed many times…..Projection probably.

        Now for those wonderful threes (3’s), again just my take on it in my situation, not sure this pertains to others. IF the ex (me), the current and the future were hypothetically to ‘fight’ for her. The ex (me) would lose! In other words I would be third. The current would be considered a ‘draw’ with the future, although lied to about he being the winner, and the future would be pushed aside, yet the winner ultimately. Hope am making sense. BTW if the ex (me) is not willing to participate, she will go to the fellow before me (the ex ex) to be the contender. Final outcome after a short while….the future wins totally because the current is now considered a pain in the ass, needy, clingy, too loving etc.

        So that is my take on the numbers of 3….and over time the cycle begins again…one replaces the other. I believe the only time this will stop is if they encounter an equivalent to them, but who is smarter and quicker, someone who can outwit them….but eventually they simply will cannibalize each other.

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  5. Belle

    I read this today and it is helping me, thank goodness. I wrote on July 2014 that thanks to this site I was off the ” Crazy Train.” Well, I was not off. I failed miserably with the no contact. Three. On this later, after endless texts and occasional visits by my sociopath I was sucked right back into the exact same relationship!! This time I was told he never loved the woman he left me for and the very one he has been in a longterm relationship with for 25 years. He took me to dinner, told me he has always loved me and this time we needed to go slow, not make,the same mistakes, and just have fun. Afterall, he said that was what was important in life, having fun! This is the person who convinced me to leave my husband, friends, home, and most of my financial security because he LOVED me and would take good care of me forever. He promised marriage two months after the divorce was final! Of course that never happened. This time, I was convinced again. They DO NOT CHANGE, THEY NEVER ACCEPT ANY RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE DESTRUCTION THEY CAUSED. IT IS ALWys you who caused the problems. Again after four more months of this, of hearing him refuse to discuss a future together, of him telling me how much he has done for me and how ungrateful I am, I ended it AGAIN!! I pray to GOD I will never have contact again and I can get over this and become the normal, trusting &’happy person I once was before he wrecked my life!!!! thank you so much for therapeutic posts. They have helped me so much, even though I failed miserably at the no contact previously, I have the strength to try this again. This time I know what I am dealing with and I know he will never ever be a normal, loving, compassionate person. He is sick and I fell for an illusion!!

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    • Tela

      Hello Belle~ It’s was very nice to read a comment from you. I have often wondered how things were going. It’s ok that you failed at the No Contact. We all do! I think by you ‘giving in’you basically started swallowing his POISON again. When you read that article, you will realize how he slowly started, 1/4 teaspoon at a time feeding you his poison {bullshit lies & empty promises}. You are so right! They do not change Belle. EVER. No matter what they say out of their mouth, the devil owns their soul. Why he kept coming back, is because he knows how easily it was to MANIPULATE you. I know you don’t like to read that, but a Sociopath prey’s on people who they can easily manipulate, poison etc. It’s easy for me to tell you ‘do not have anymore contact’, when in all reality, I, myself also failed at the No Contact a few times. But once you truly understand it was NOT YOU, then you will be that beautiful person you were prior to him entering your life. Please reach out to me. Please let me know how you are doing!!! Hugs ❤

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    • Tela

      Thank you SSS, I was so happy to see a comment from you! And it is very important not to ‘feel guilty’ I think we have all carried enough guilt caused by the Sociopath. Love & hugs to you ❤

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      • Santaland

        Continuation of my first reply: I do want to say Tela…thank you, do not post until you decide what you want to do.

        Would like to share the following observations as a continum, or you could post on the blog as article

        The sociopath hates us! They hate it when we do not play in their sandbox according to their rules (which are not consistent anyways). All sociopaths are different, male or female, but they follow a script and we are all surprised how similar they are, carbon copies. I mentioned 3’s, the ex (me/you), the current and the future (they move forward always), but they HATE the ex for not being part of their toys to manipulate, control and discard. So what do they do….they look at their shelf of broken hearts and find a replacment number 3….(you are the ex, but there was another ex before you so they take your place) the ex ex, the current and the future.

        Now they are confused, angry, hurt etc…you no longer play the game, so they are with someone new, so happy, so great….but confused, perhaps you were or are better than their current conquest. The future victim is being groomed. But they want us to destruct, implode, crash and burn….but we don’t, we move forward hurt and confused. But the puzzle begins to fall into place. Now they are furious, they see you with someone else, hear you are with someone else and they begin a full out yet cunning investigation who your new person is.

        The problem is these empty shell sociopaths are jealous, yep exactly what they accused us of. They want control and confirmation that their new victim indeed is a better source of supply. They convince themselves that is so, their flying monkeys do too, but inside they are OMG what if, could it be, shit now what do I do….attack verbally, continue smear campaign, hoover to give more of what I gave…..OMG what do I do….you see fellow victims, you took the power and control away and they are fucked up.

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      • Tela

        Another great comment Santaland. Yes! They are in fact very jealous people. That is why they go through life completely obliterating other’s. Why? Because the other’s ie: me, you, the previous ex’s, the futures all having something they will NEVER EVER HAVE! That is, a peace within. That is contentment with what they have, that is the ability to love on an unconditional deep way. All of this & so much more the Sociopath does not have, therefore their jealousy causing mental & emotional ruination for their victims. When a Sociopath (the FFX10) did her indirect contact & direct contact & you completely ignored her, that caused a tail spin for her. You KNOW a Sociopath does not handle rejection, at all. And by not even acknowledging her as you walk by is rejection, day in and day out. She is seething underneath that plastic exterior. You are now the one in control. Hang on to it!!! ❤

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