A Healing & Informative Site About Narcissistic Sociopaths

Brick Wall

When I was going to school to obtain my Master’s in Psychology, I learned 2 very important things. Our minds are either our greatest healer  or our worst enemy.  Yes, years of learning about all aspects of Psychology, years of learning about Personality Disorders and causes. Years & years! So, you would think a highly educated, successful woman would be fully aware of Sociopaths {red flags} etc. And I was, yet I still became involved with a horrific Narcissistic Sociopath. But aren’t they all horrific? Yes.

Once you leave, or the Sociopath leaves you, you have that ‘Ahhhhhh’ moment of peace, control, safe etc. And then in an instant you wake up and hit a brick wall!

Concrete_wall

That ‘ahhhh’ moment of peace now has turned into: what happened? What did I do wrong? I miss them terribly, do they think of me. How could they just move on so quickly? Why can’t I let go? Do they even understand how much pain I’m in? Why cannot I get through one day without obsessive thoughts of them? Why do I want REVENGEWhy did this happen to me. And on and on.

The reason it is so terribly difficult letting go of a relationship with a Sociopath is because the Charm in the beginning was so over the top. The fabulous words said, the fun & exciting times, oh those special memories made. You would lie in bed at night & think ‘where has this person been? How did I get so unlucky lucky to find them?”…This charm phase turns into Love Bombing    or ‘Honeymoon phase’. You have never met someone you have been more compatible with. The sex is incredible, often, and you feel so deeply loved! You find yourself unable to stop the fast moving relationship. Everything to you couldn’t be more perfect. You & the Sociopath are talking about plans for the future, or maybe moved in together quickly. And all you can think about is how lucky you are to have met such a evil  perfect person.

Now that the Sociopath is out of your life, this is where your mind becomes either your greatest healer or your worst enemy! Once you realize & accept that from day ONE the Sociopath was already planning the ending !  Click on that link ‘ending’ in blue & you will see what I’m talking about. So now you have hit this brick wall. You can’t go over it, but you can & have to go around it. As you start your journey forward in healing, there will be cracks in the wall where you can slip a note through ie: email/text message to the Sociopath. But if you do that, be prepared for complete rejection & blame shifting This is where your mind is now your greatest enemy, reaching out to the ex! It is up to you, and you alone to pick which path your going to take. Either keep running into the brick wall, or change directions to healing. And as I have said countless times NO CONTACT  has to be in place and stuck to. Or you will continue hitting the brick wall.

“You have power over your mind – not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.”      marcus aurelius

©SociopathLife.com

45 Responses to “Brick Wall”

  1. betternotbroken

    This is a great post and I am glad I came back to find it again, it is an inspiration to me for future posts of my own. Yes, I love your emphasis on the mind being your path to liberation or hell, healer or own worst enemy.

    Liked by 1 person

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    • AlohaLover

      It’s very true….there are times ( more often than not), I am at peace and it’s only when my mind (underlined and bold) wanders back to ” the times when…” that I slide back. But then I quickly remind myself of all the trash he has been with and STILL is with and that snaps me back into the here and now. This will sound bad but I smile knowing there is NO CURE for him and he will always live in an unsettled soul. I love this site and am so grateful I found it.

      Liked by 1 person

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  2. karenthom2014

    Hi all, just an update, it’s two years in August this year since I started the no contact, and just yesterday my daughter reported back to me for him, apparently he has moved in with a woman in my daughters area, she told me what the woman was driving, etc. I felt that I don’t want to hear what he is doing, as I have now gutted my house out and on a fresh start. He has done this before be seen with a woman(whore), then hoping that I get jealous and call him then I’m back under his nasty deprived spell. I went to bed with a funny head as I remembered I would have called to say what’s going on, the fool I was. After this length of time normal people would just get on with their lives, why does he have to flaunt his new victim so my daughter can see? That was my question last night. Why can’t he just go away? He is a parasite ,my answer. I am still having to be alert for his weak attempts to get my attention, I am totally ignoring him and moving on nicely with my written plans. The police threats I made to him is working as he has not showed up at my house, which I would call them if he did. I still feel that I’m in a good place, because I’m stubborn and if I know that something is bad for me then Why take it, I’m going to stay strong, I’m as busy as hell, but when his ugly name or his dramas pops up then I remember how he had me, weak, useless and emotional damaged.

    I love this site. I have learnt do much about what I was suffering for ten years, yes I thought it was me, I now know it’s all him. I said to my daughter , “I’m glad he has someone, because that keeps him away from me”. The brick wall post is constant as they will try to come back, then you have to choose what to do, yes with time it gets easier, but when will the hell stop, I’m glad I kicked him out when I did, he is just a drug taking thug, I was wasted with him.
    I am speaking to other men but just speaking, I’m finding it flattering considering the hell I’ve been through, kind words and tenderness was missing for years so to hear it, has been very refreshing. I’m trying to get on with my life!!

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    Reply
    • I am Titanium

      Hi Karenthom, you are doing great, it is lovely to hear. There is some excellent advice in your story. No contact EVER about anything is the only way to go. On the subject of ‘our song’ I think ‘ours’ and, yes, it was his suggestion, should win an irony award…Charles and Eddy, WOULD I LIE TO YOU? I should have listened more closely, the clue (big red flag!) is in the words …would I lie to you? Oh yeah!…Just makes me laugh now. I suggest we get OUR OWN song… ones by Pink, Katy Perry, Doris Day, even…gonna wash that man right outta my hair !! are on my playlist!! D x

      Liked by 1 person

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      • karenthom2014

        Thank you, his song was about crying and feeling emotional pain. Just was he has not got, to listen to it must make him feel good to know that he feels nothing and can’t show empathy or cry. I hated the song I felt it has just sorrow and depravity from love and emotions.

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  3. notme2014

    I am sitting here listening to “our song” and the tears just flow… I want so much to be the person I was before I met him. Why can’t I just fucking hate him?????? He again has told me to “leave him alone” after reeling me back in….its such a game. I thought I was past this!!!. He just keeps me right where he knows I will go…maybe it’ll be different…I am the love of his life, ya know????. Unreal….light and love…and moving forward.

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    • AlohaLover

      Oh notme2014…..I feel your pain and I could break down with you because it hurts in a way you can’t describe. May I ask how long ago was your break up and if I missed that part, I’m sorry.

      In the beginning, before I knew what he was, I did the same thing and I would send him the link to You Tube. I would find sayings on Pinterest and those would be sent to him. Even though he shattered everything I thought was real, I was certain he would come back because we were going to be together forever. And I was told I was the love of his life too. That must be a standard line they all use.

      You can’t hate him because you still love him and if your break up was like mine, you have NO CLOSURE…none. That’s the worst part. Read….read…..read….this site and when you’re done…..read it again. And remember it’s not you. HE has the problem. He is the sick one. He’s trying to break you….I think most of them enjoy that. And the game they play is the same for most and it sucks but karma will come back and bite them and bite them hard.

      You may come to a point that you can hate him….and the you may want to hurt him back….at least that’s what I wanted. And for 8 days, I played his game and it was really hard to do and then he pushed my buttons and I said to myself I am done and I let him have with both barrels because I got to the point where I refused to have him manipulate me. It’s not worth it because there is no cure and that to me is best revenge ….to know he will live in this hell forever.

      Give it time. Cry scream. Do what you need to do but just smile and know his living in Hell.

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      • notme2014

        Aloha,
        I don’t even know how long it has been since the “break-up”,,,seems we were always more “off” than “on”. I have been completely “no contact” for 8 days. I have tried before for as long as two weeks, but I always seem to be drawn back in. I have good days and really bad days, I think about him constantly…he lives VERY close to me…which makes it really bad. I can see his comings and goings and I know he sees mine too. I left my husband for him in October, and before Thanksgiving, we had split. That’s when the mask really came off. Thank you for the words of encouragement. I do read this site, over and over, trying to remind myself what he really is, and that no matter how much I love him, I will never change him. I have never in my life felt this way about anyone. The rollercoaster of emotions, the pain and sorrow. At times it feels almost unbearable, but I think it gets easier with each passing day. I am trying very hard to stay busy and Focus on good things, my children and grandchildren, I have started taking a meditation class and meditate daily now. I hope one day I can be the person I used to be. I may not have my husband anymore, but at least he and I have remained friends through all of this. He is a really decent person. Light and Love…and (trying) to Move Forward!

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    • Tela

      Ellen, first off I, Tela am the author of this site. You can read more about me HERE. In your previous comment you asked ONE specific question, quote “What is the one crucial parameter that makes you decide someone is a sociopath?” unquote. My answer to you was there is not ONE CRUCIAL PARAMETER. That is why I said, please do some research on ASPD, Sociopath etc and educate yourself on the ‘Parameters’ that make up a Sociopath person.

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      • Tela

        Like A Male Victim in Santaland said, I as well, hope you never encounter a true Sociopath and if you do, what you have read here on my site will then have given you some education about the SEVERAL parameters that make up these truly evil, soulless individuals.

        Liked by 1 person

      • AlohaLover

        Hi Ellen,
        Tela is extremely knowledgeable about Sociopaths and their traits. Read everything on the site and then go over it again.
        I feel it is a complex disorder and to fully or partially understand it will take some time.

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    • A male victim in Santaland

      Ellen, what Tela responded is correct…learn a bit on your own, do your research and hope you never encounter this type of person, because then you will have a major WTF happened. So with your Lol, and since you obviously see little difference in ‘today’s’ society between a sociopath and non-sociopath. Google it if need be. BTW, sure everybody has a little socio in them….but not what these types do. Good luck with your studies….read, study, learn then ask. Simple right lol alternatively set up a blog and make your claim and watch how many contributors you will have, hopefully that answers your statement/query and lol.

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    • A male victim in Santaland

      Your university offers a school in sociology…however, beleive you should try learning more at U. of Cambridge or U. of Birmingham…they have excellent schools of psychology etc.

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      • A male victim in Santaland

        Yes I agree U. of Bristol is a fine school and being a Peer Mentor, am sure you can guide your peers in the right direction accordingly.

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  4. Ellen Nguyen

    I feel like in today society, the line between sociopath and non-sociopath is very thin. We don’t want to mistakenly accuse people of something they are inherently not. Heck, we might even come across as overthinking and.. crazy. After all everyone is selfish and self-centered to some extent. What is the one crucial parameter that makes you decide someone is a sociopath?

    Ellen

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    • Tela

      Ellen~ please do some research on Sociopath, ASPD, Cluster B personalities. There is not “ONE CRUCIAL PARAMETER” that makes a person ‘decide if someone is a Sociopath’. You really need to educate yourself a great deal on Sociopath & then maybe you will understand this site better.

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      • Ellen Nguyen

        I was asking genuinely and its okay you didn’t answer it straightforward and instead asked me to do research. Wow ‘educate’ big word lol my bad then

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    • I am Titanium

      Ellen, as Tela has said, there is no one thing, I totally agree. If you are looking for one thing perhaps you should look at the impact they have on their unsuspecting victims. After over 20 years of knowing my ex husband I do not know whether he is a narcissist, a sociopath or a psychopath or a mix of the above. All I know is that those of us who have had the misfortune to have ‘danced with the devil’ all feel and end up in the same bad state and place. Emotionally, physically and, often, financially. You name it, there is nothing they won’t do to harm. We do not know what the hell happened to our lives and who we once were. We are on a journey that no one expects to be on. There are so many and complex and subtle, damaging things that were done to us that are impossible to fully untangle or begin to explain to anyone who hasn’t been there. Educating yourself is a good thing and, one day, it might just save your life. I agree, there is a lot of self-centredness about BUT this disorder we have encountered is not about simple, straightforward selfishness. It is the cold and calculated, targeted and systematic dismantling and destruction of another’s life.
      It can happen to anyone. It happened to all of us who have found sanctuary in Tela’s work..

      Liked by 2 people

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      • AlohaLover

        Your statement, “cold and calculated, targeted and systematic dismantling and destruction of another’s life” gave me the chills. Could it be said that everything they do to a person is premeditated at the start of the relationship? And if that is true, this disorder is more serious that one can ever imagine.

        Liked by 2 people

      • Tela

        AlohaLover, please read THIS. Yes, it is definitely premeditated at the onset of the relationship. I’ve said it before, a Sociopath does not work in reverse {meaning they do not see anything wrong with them & when there are/were problems in the relationship that had to be addressed that is going in ‘reverse’ to them. The ‘disorder’ as you call it has a name(s) Narcissistic Sociopath, Sociopath, Psychopath. All of these ‘disorders’ have similar traits, but the actually person goes about life differently than the others. But it is still an END GAME to them. Not ever engaging in a normal, mentally healthy fully connecting love relationship. ❤

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      • I am Titanium

        Hi Aloha, good question, I described it as I have experienced it. He is savage. Oddly, he does things that don’t make sense and are often entirely contradictory. It is whatever is right for him in that moment, never, ever, about what is best for others, including his children or even him in the long run. It appears as if he is at the mercy of a force to win/destroy at all costs. There is never any compromise or flexibility, that would require empathy. This might appear to imply he is not in control and is driven by something else. Yet, I hold him entirely responsible. He makes choices, as we all do. I do not fully know the extent of the darkness that he brought to my life but we have two children. One he smothers and manipulates (but yet lies about his earnings, gone from 200k to 12k pa to pay the absolute minimum for him) the other is completely abandoned. She considers herself lucky. I have been character assassinated to myself and others and he tried to make us all homeless to fund his new life. He has attempted to bring down his previous company, which would have destroyed over 100 jobs. Carnage. All the while maintaining his perfect image and going off into the parallel, perfect life he had built up whilst dismantling our life. He is a complete fraud. Cold, calculating and systematic destruction is my story. But I am still here and I get to be me again. Again, it is never one thing that defines them.

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    • JJK

      Ellen your remarks are fascinating to me

      “We don’t want to mistakenly accuse people of something they are inherently not. Heck, we might even come across as overthinking and.. crazy. After all everyone is selfish and self-centered to some extent”

      I deploy common sense here. I am not worried about ‘everyone’ only those that hurt me. If somebody I come into contact with is for an ephemeral moment, and they are mean “no desert for you”, a label is of little value, as I dont have to deal with them again. If there actions in that moment are monumental;- they burn my house down, or I have to deal with them every day as a co worker or a spouse and its highly destructive on an emotional level, then a label not only helps, but is instrumental in helping me protect myself. Therefore the issue of wrongly labeling, or an act of selfishness it completely irrelevant.

      ” was asking genuinely and its okay you didn’t answer it straightforward and instead asked me to do research. Wow ‘educate’ big word lol my bad then”

      You seem to be questioning whether sociopaths exist or not out of a fleeting preoccupation-and feel entitled to have petty questions answered. I believe this site is focused on real people with ‘big’ issues, and not the vanity of your temporary curiosity: if we are all selfish or not. If you have something real of concern, there is information here, people to respond-but no one is obligated to entertain trivia, spoon feed, ‘educate’ you-or in this case wipe your as,,,oops ditty my bad

      Liked by 1 person

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      • Tela

        ‘your bad’? I would ask for you not to comment further on this blog. And I will make sure to not approve anymore of your comments. As you can see by the thousands of readers a day on this site, your ignorance and lack of compassion for victims of Sociopaths is very evident in your lame attempt at “my bad”.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Tela

        LOL JJK……i couldn’t have said it better! This site is not for people like Ellen who seem to be??? what? curious? fascinated? IDK, but to question MY reply back to her is just plain idiotic. My website {or personal self} are here for people like Ellen. This site & myself are for people who have been abuse, traumatized, emotionally & mentally fucked because of a Sociopath.

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  5. Kevin Mullin

    Every word rings true and i am now at that place you spoke about, i am finding it very hard to accept and i was the one who walked out it is a complete role reversal, how on this gods earth did i go from being so strong as to pack up and walk out to 2 months down the line begging her that is funny in an ironic way i guess but i will keep reading all these posts over and over again until it finally sinks in to my thick skull that i AM BETTER without her and i can be myself i just wish my heart could follow my bloody head, Amazing post Tela thank you

    Liked by 2 people

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    • A male victim in Santaland

      Kevin, it is and will be a journey…and 2 months will not cure your doubts about IF you did the right thing…or WHY did this happen etc etc…as Tela has written and many others here, our minds are our worst own enemy sometimes.Be strong for your girls, focus on your task and move forward progessivly. Eventually you will come out of this and have several ‘aha’ moments. Sure there will be times you are in doubt, blame yourself, feel lost and lonely…this is where again you have to focus. The relationship was doomed…read Tela’s post about Rejection and hopefully you will have a few ‘aha’ moments.

      Liked by 1 person

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    • Tela

      Yes Kevin, every word rings true because like I have told you in email, & posted on here, you are NOT ALONE everyone one of us has been where you are. Everyone of us has taken steps backwards {either contacting the ex Sociopath, or questioning our decision(s)}. This is all apart of re-learning who we are. PRIOR to the Sociopath who silently & methodically destroyed your core being. You are trying to recover much to quickly as everyone does. Why? Because the pain hurts, deep, deep hurt. So instead of wanting to feel the pain of the lost relationship, feel the pain of the lost future. feel the pain of all the abuse done we just want to hurry this up & be “normal”. You are on the beginning of a very long road to healing, both mentally/emotionally & spiritually. Please read this POST i think it will really help bring some clarity to you ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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  6. AlohaLover

    Thick As A Brick….one that I wanted to throw at him many….many….MANY TIMES. I was mad, hurt, broken, my Italian temper was in full revenge mode and I wished I had a real Godfather…..like in the movies. I would think of all the heinous things I would do to him because of all the trashy, cowardly things he did to me. Everything you read on this site is dead on and no one except someone who lived it will understand….and that’s Ok. We all get it.
    It’s been almost a year and I am just now….since late October feeling like I may…MAY want to date.

    In reading “Brick Wall” I knew I had to comment. It’s written in a way that will stop you and make you think. Of course we want them to suffer….I did, I do…I did…. I DO. But…..there is a silver lining in all of your hurt, your tears and pillow screams. Trust me….I was there. I’m still there every so often ….like now when that made up holiday with a heart comes around. Because we HAVE emotion, and we can feel, it makes us sad but all I have to do is think of the porn sites he’s on, the hookers, he’s been with, the lies and betrayal, I snap out of it real quick.

    My revenge story is true. I wanted to get him back, I wanted to get him right where I wanted him and then twist the knife, and change the subject to something light and fun so he would not realize what just happened. I played the game and he took the bait and I was an Oscar winner. I could stroke his ego, tear him down and ask him a question about our past and we’d laugh ….he didn’t catch on that I was playing the games he played with me. There were a few times when I would travel back to a happy place but quickly snapped out of it because everything was and is a lie. He’s in a relationship….he’s sweet talking me….he has others….so I asked him “you’re in a relationship, you’re talking to me, you have more on the side and she has no clue does she….he whispered no and I said for once, I’m happy to be me. I felt nothing for him. He made me sick and then it happened…… I had a Ah-Ha moment. It was at that second when I knew no matter what game I played to get revenge it would never ever work because he has no soul. He has no emotion. He has no inner peace. He has no love to give. He has nothing. I thought about his life, f-ing different women all the time. He has no friends because they would find out about him, his family life is a mess, all he has is his job where he makes about 200K. And it was then when I said to myself I am watching the revenge I so wanted. He will never be cured. There is no drug to help him. No amount of therapy can help him …..nothing can cure his need for more, sex, more women, more of anything vile. He has sold his soul to the Devil and the Devil will never give him back. He was handsome, looked like Blake Shelton. I’ve seen pictures of him recently and he looks like he has aged 10 years and has no expression in his blue eyes. I’ve seen pictures of these women and they are just like him. Each of his whores have the same look and come from a life foreign to me and I thought, foreign to him too.
    He will get a disease one day or at the very worst a bullitt in his head for playing with the wrong people.

    And suddenly I felt Ok….of course I won’t lie and say I do miss the illusion of fake love, phony good times but I am so much better than he will ever be.

    Revenge can come in many different forms and I am loving watching his life disintegrate. Even if he gets back on track, he will derail. Remember there is no cure.

    Isn’t revenge sweet.

    PS: I used to go by another name on here but I was afraid he would find me.

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  7. karenthom2014

    Hi Tela! That’s so true, but what to choose when you get to the brick wall is one of the hardest things I have had to do, the pain of being in the same room as him became I bearable. I felt very clearly all the negative feelings in life, yes never again and yes I know you can learn from this, if you get out in time. Like I did. I have learnt not to take men on face or material values. At present it’s working for me. I loved the post.

    Liked by 1 person

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    • Tela

      Thank you Kimberly for your comment & always encouraging words. And a HUGE thank you for helping me during one of my ‘backwards’ moments. Much love and thankfulness to you! ❤

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  8. leamuse

    Born to a Narcissistic Sociopath (the mother), I also went the route of a Master’s in Psychology. A lot of work lay ahead of me… There can be NO reason for any contact and I’ve maintained that for several decades. Now, I have a life and it is good.

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    • Tela

      Thank you Leamuse for your comment. And yes, there can & should be no reason whatsoever {except when children involved} for any contact whatsoever! For those of you who follow my blog, please go over to Leamuse blog & read all about her life in France & the amazing pictures.

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  9. A male victim in Santaland

    Another excellent post Tela. You know how I sometimes ‘attack’ me…because indeed I am my worst own enemy….I simply think back at the lies, the smear campaign, and the physical abuse (yes I have photos and recordings….why? Because I realized that the last 6 months before I threw her out who and what she was….100% socio, for sure. So with that am able to maintain no contact. And due to her shop being downstairs makes things harder for me….plus being with another guy within probably a month and engaged to him within 3 months….She has attempted to converse, which threw me off but I managed to maintain NC….my little revenge saying fuck you, am not like your ex whom you kept on a shelf…they do that….miserable nasty pieces of work, hence my empathy to all readers…I know what you are talking about.

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    Reply
    • Tela

      Thank you Male Victim for your comment. And yes, you endured one of the most horrific Female Sociopaths. The saddest thing, like you said, her shop is below your apartment so not only do you have to maintain the no contact, you also have to maintain an air of indifference to her. You do NOT want her to ever know how much emotional & mental hell you have been through since you kicked her out last Feb. The year anniversary is coming up! I do agree there are times when you are your own worst enemy, however, you also realize that and continue to strive forward for that peace you once had!! And thank you so very much for supporting my other reader’s, especially the males who have or are going through what you did. ❤

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