A Healing & Informative Site About Narcissistic Sociopaths

Trauma Bonding

Trauma Bonding occurs in various forms with a Narcissistic Sociopath. And each of these forms are so detrimental to your mental and emotional well-being. This article is specifically for adults in a relationship. Child Trauma Bonding will be another post.

  • Cognitive Dissonance~ this happens when you have 2 different thoughts about the same thing, ‘this relationship is abusive i need to get out…….i need to stay and make this relationship work. In order to rectify this cognitive dissonance you make excuses or justify the abuser ‘i know they love me, why can’t they show me. They were such a great person in the beginning, if i just stick with it maybe things will change.
  • Whiplash Effect ~ you are depending heavily on the treatment from the abuser. If your ‘nice’ maybe they will be ‘nice’ The narcissistic Sociopath’ becomes the deliverer of good or bad treatment, and when good treatment comes, there is so much hope and relief that the pain is going to end that the victim focuses on the good times, and ‘conveniently’ numbs out the bad times – even dismissing them.’ – therefore creating this Whiplash Effect.
  • Repetitive Compulsion Disorder~ this creates an anxiety addiction. When the Sociopath apologizes for their words or behaviour, you think to yourself ‘finally, they have seen what they are doing and will change’. But then the same repetition begins again, your back in the war-zone, and when they refuse to admit to their lies/behaviour you are needing that ‘fix’ again…which is for them to one more time apologize, make promises  of change, which puts you back into ‘i love this person i can’t live without them’.
  • Infantile Regressions ~ when the person you love becomes the one who abuses you, you regress back into your instinctual learned behaviour to survive. Like a child who turns to the parent for comfort/support. In this state of mind, you become helpless to the ability to defend the lies, defend the physical attacks, correct their delusions and verbal attacks on your character, you accept all blame because you literally feel like you are dying.
  • Obsession ~ if you have been able to leave {or break-up with} the Narcissistic Sociopath, you go into the obsessive state of mind. “What if’s” start to take over. Or maybe if I contact them one last time to explain things. Why did they just walk away so easily and hook up with someone else so quickly. These obsessive thoughts and more can only stop if you can have one more conversation, or be given a REAL, TRUTHFUL reason why you were treated so horribly.  But this thought process all ties into the Trauma Bonding. You want the answer’s, you want that contact because you need that ‘fix’. But in reality….you really don’t.

Love can sometimes be magic. But magic can sometimes… just be an illusion.   javan


13 Responses to “Trauma Bonding”

  1. Serena

    Everything is very open with a really clear explanation of the challenges.

    It was truly informative. Your site is extremely helpful.
    Thanks for sharing!


  2. mathematicalpie

    Thank you, trauma bonding that’s what is, that’s the scab that keep getting picked and hurts and then another band aid. I’ll try and leave it to heal in time. Enlightening.


  3. eoftheu2014

    Hi Tela,

    Long time!

    I finally stopped. Stopped trying to be neighborly (at least in my mind). Stopped communicating. Stopped being nice. I even stopped looking at the mess-and-a-half! How did I get here? Something he said that was basically simple and inconsequential, but inappropriate and outrageous nevertheless. it woke me up.

    Funny thing … it was about a $2.50 flower! Ain’t that a hoot. Then after he told me he was going to give the $2.50 flower (that I purchased) to his “friend”, they meet up and drive off. I cannot describe what I felt but I realized that was my bottom. I grieved, said to heck and decided enough was enough. I have not spoken to him since. I don’t even look at him if I can avoid it. If I am outside and he drives by, I turn my head. I closed my blind that faces his home and don’t even look that way when I am going upstairs.

    The best part I am not hiding either. I come and go. I talk to my neighbors. I laugh, I joke and I spend time outside in my garden.

    It feels good. I tell myself every single day that was merely another journey into my being a better me. It was an experience I needed to change my attitude about men and relationships. It was the reality that I would rather be alone than with someone who treats me like something the stepped in. I needed to feel better about me. I needed to end relationships with men who look differently but are cut from the same cloth.

    Early on when I entered my self-imposed “No Contact”, he sent me a text. But as I was determined to “let it go”, let him go, I ignored it. He attempted on two occasions to have friendly conversations — I ignored him then too. I look at him as if he has a third eye.

    Before, It was difficult for me to totally ignore anyone, him included as I am naturally friendly and affable. And .. I really did not want to be “feuding neighbors”. I did not want him to think I was in such pain that I would resort to ignoring him.

    When the light bulb went off, I decided I could care less what he thinks. I am not a feuding neighbor. And though the scar remains, the paid has subsided greatly. It really began to subside when I entered into “no contact. I don’t like him as a person and choose to eliminate him from my world.

    I don’t want to be friends and am not interested in being friendly with him either. It is exhausting to treat someone better than they treat you. It is exhausting to keep giving and the other person only takes. I get it. I finally get it. I deserve more, so much more. And, going forward I will not allow anyone to ever again treat me with such blatant disregard, such meanness.

    I decided that the real winner here is me. And, I am thankful to him for he helped me find myself. It is because of him, I have a new attitude and greater appreciation for boundaries.

    The best part, it happened for me so naturally, I had to look at my phone to write this to see the date I went into “no contact”. It was August 9th. I deleted his photo, phone number from my phone. I deleted all of his text messages. I deleted every email and even his email address. Yup, I deleted him from my psyche!

    Treating myself wonderfully, as should everyone!



    Liked by 2 people

    • Tela

      Hello EoftheU!!!! I was sooooo happy to see this comment from you!! 🙂 I have thought of you often and the ‘mess and a half’. Sometimes, all it takes as something as the simple flower to finally put the last nail in the heart. I’m so proud of you on the 3 months of NC! Fantastic. I know it’s been a road back and forth to hell. But your right, your the Real Winner! You know what a Peace of Heart feels like, something he never will. I hope to see you posting again! And thank you for stopping by. I’m so proud of you!! ❤ ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      • eoftheu2014

        Thank you Tela. So glad to hear from you too. Glad you’re still writing.

        I’ve been meaning to reply to one of your posts (I loved “Karma’) but this is/was the one. It home. I experienced each and every one of these stages — some of them more than a couple of times. I finally realized that it was not me, that I was not crazy. Then I realized this is more than a whorish man … this is a whole ‘nother kind of beast. I simply could not believe that anyone on this earth would treat anyone so poorly for absolutely no reason. I just could not believe it. When I recognized he was, that my addictiveness/obsessiveness was completely out of the norm for me, I knew it was time to turn it around. But I wasn’t ready. Then the $2.50 flower thingy happened,

        I was not always convinced that NC really worked. that it would help me. It works! I can attest to everyone in this situation … IT WORKS! Try it! I am feeling better. So much better! And not hiding either.

        Will be writing again soon!


        Liked by 2 people

  4. 18mitzvot

    OMG, this is the best post ever! You make everything so clear, especially the Whiplash Effect. Good writing.


  5. vino4me

    Just when I think I am on the road to recovery, some trigger occurs and I slide a little or just enough to make me relive life with him again and it hurts. Sometimes, I think moving to a state where I know no one is the answer. I don’t know the answer but I have so many questions for him that will forever go unanswered. And because he is the way he is, if someone does it to him, it wouldn’t matter because he doesn’t ‘feel’ like a normal person. There are times when I wish I was like him….so I wouldn’t be able to feel the pain but I quickly leave that thought because he is in a battle with his own demons….he just hasn’t met them yet or maybe he has…..

    Liked by 2 people

    • Tela

      Thank you Dana for the comment. You are on the road to recovery. The triggers are a very normal process. I’ve mentioned to you before, do not look and see what he is doing~ as that makes the pain even deeper. I wish moving to another state would help, but you and I both know that is running from something, and you can’t do that. You are feeling this pain because you were emotionally connected, he was not. And I know that is one of the hardest things to comprehend as you can remember the good times, or times when he said ‘i love you‘ and you believed all of it. And that all was the illusion he was creating for you to believe he was this wonderful, truthful, deeply caring man. It is okay to have this hurt, pain, anger, sadness…..completely normal!! You are recognizing all of these emotions and that is the first step to healing!!! I have faith in you!! email me if you need to!! ❤

      Liked by 1 person


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