A Healing & Informative Site About Narcissistic Sociopaths

The Pawns

Children of Sociopaths have a high probability of becoming The Pawns. Like a game of chess, the Sociopath strategically & methodically uses the innocent child/children for their game of manipulation and control. And to frequently, Parental Alienation happens. Parental Alienation involves destructive actions by an aligned parent to discredit and sabotage the parent in the eyes of the alienated child. The aligned parent will ‘program’ the child/children that the other parent is mean, unloving, uncaring, selfish and worthless. By these repeated words about you and your character, the child/children will believe they will be happier if you are out of their life. As with any manipulation, the child/children may hate the other parent, which in turn leads to mental & emotional problems for the child/children. Some of these children will be scarred for life, and possibly turn on both parents. Some have difficulty trusting and forming loving relationships later on in life.

Some of the common methods used by a Narcissistic Sociopath parent are:

  • Interfering with or denying other parent visitation
  • Interfering with or not supporting contact with the other parent. They will listen to all phone calls, read/monitor text messages.
  • Withholding school/medical/social activities from the other parent
  • Failure to follow any medical treatment/medications prescribed
  • Making unilateral decisions without contact/consulting other parent
  • Telling the child/children the breakup of your relationship was all your fault, that is why you are no longer in the home. Blaming you for financial difficulties. Telling the child/children you didn’t love them enough to stay.
  • Refusing to let the child/children take any of their possessions to the other parents house.
  • Having a blatant disregard for court orders, deliberately not following the orders and blaming their ‘reason’ for not doing so on you. 

So how do you stop the other parent from doing the above {and more}. You actually cannot stop them. They will systematically & methodically break the child/children down just like they did you and the relationship. However what you can do is to provide the 3 ‘C’s..Concise, Clarity, Consistency

  1. Be concise when dealing with the other parent! This means be brief, but very clear with whatever you have to discuss. This does not mean you call them out on what you know to be wrong/hurtful/detrimental to the child/children. *see consistency* If there are issues that you must discuss with the other parent, stick with the issue(s) only without any susuperfluous detail.
  2. With Clarity, you are being transparent when dealing with the other parent. There will be no misconception {suppose to be anyway} by the other parent. With clarity there is little room for misunderstanding, and you will be easily understood. I’m not saying you tell the other parent any & everything they want {or feel} they need to know. I’m talking about keeping the clarity regarding the child/children and their well-being.
  3. Consistency is most important. This is for you and the child/children. Be consistent with your schedule. If it is your weekend, holiday to have the child/children, don’t make an excuse as to why you can’t get them {unless it truly is legitimate}. Be consistent with your feelings for and about your child/children. Reinforce positive behaviour, express your love for them not through material possessions, but through acts {ie: hugs, their favourite meal, sporting event} just simply be consistent with time spent with them. You should never have to ‘buy’ your child/children’s love. Be consistent in your praise for them.

When the non-custodial parent wages all out character assassination of you, via the child/children the last thing you do is play into it. If your child says “mommy, daddy said you don’t love me”, or “daddy, mommy said you don’t give her money for me”, in as a clear & concise way {and age appropriate} explain to the child/children the reason{s} why those statements are not true. Keep in mind, do not name call, bad mouth, mud sling the other parent. Your child/children are probably already getting enough negative from the aligned parent.  How you react to the character assassination of you will be a piece of your child/children’s mental and emotional foundation. I am not saying by ‘sugar coating’ what is happening is the right thing to do, however not being verbally abusive like the other parent is the right thing to do. The child/children did not ask to be born to the union you had with the other parent. At one time they are exactly what you wanted. You will find that you are having to constantly undo negative words and actions from the other parent, and this should be done without negativity on your part.

*note, i welcome any and all feedback on this very serious, and all to common issue with Sociopath parent(s). By adding your comments you may be able to help other parent’s in your similar situation.

©SociopathLife.com

13 Responses to “The Pawns”

  1. secretangel

    Thanks for sharing your words of wisdom. Again, everything that you write about is so similar to my experiences as well as many others who have lived through this. May God bless you, Tela, for you are a blessing to many.

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  2. Persia Karema

    Well put. Only in my case, my son’s father has not tried to be in his life. Even though he doesn’t understand much as he’s only a year old (and his father’s girlfriend is pregnant), I don’t speak ill of his father in front of/to him. When he grows up, he will learn himself what his father is like. If I bad mouth him (which I don’t see the point), my son may turn on me. It’s not worth the risk nor the hassle.

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  3. I am Titanium

    Thank you, Tela, I appreciate your thoughtful response. Nothing is straightforward when dealing with sociopathic behaviour. I think you are right, I have taken so long to build my personal boundaries the ones surrounding my son are the next ones to start gently erecting. Thank you for your blog, I have been reading for a while and your kindness and insight are supportive and inspiring. Bless you and all of us touched by this darkness.

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  4. I am Titanium

    I went (modified) no contact a long time ago. It is difficult with a child to parallel parent with these types but it is the only way. I would recommend it to anyone trying to find a way out of the induced darkness. At long last, I once again know which way is up!

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  5. I am Titanium

    Thank you for writing about this hugely important issue. I am now three years since I filed for divorce in a do or die situation after 20 years of marriage. I had no clue how bad, dark or devastating he and the effects of his actions could be. He attempted to make us homeless and penniless and threatened having custody of our son, so he didn’t have to pay. Despite overcoming these and many other horrendous obstacles he is still dragging us through many difficult social, financial and legal hoops. He has abandoned his daughter completely and smothers his son whilst he spends time with him, the rest and majority of the time when he is with me he has no interest in him except to keep.in frequent contact every few hours, (although of course me getting in contact with my son just once a day when he is with him is often impossible as they are “out of signal” or “it’s too late” etc). This appears to be solely to control my son’s behaviour and mine. I find it difficult to know what to do with the ‘smiling assassin’ parent who glibly charms with sweet smiles and an innocent look whilst calmly (metaphorically) stabbing his victims under the table. His stance is always I have done nothing, I am perfect yet I am to blame for everything (he hasn’t even done!) He has all the typical traits of lying, cheating, fraud, blaming, projection and distortion but hides it so well. This type of parallel parenting is just impossible. How do you do the 3 C’s and be the real, authentic parent etc when there is no hard evidence you can point to, he is a master manipulator who just does not care and your son thinks you both are great? By the time you have called out on his behaviour you are exhausted and feel defeated after tackling the slippery snake with oily gloves! Oh and it is so easy to think maybe you are the crazy one after all.

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    • Tela

      Thank you for your comment. As far as the ex contacting your son every few hours while he is with you, I would suggest you put boundaries in place. By him contacting your son frequently is disruptive to your home, but of course the ex will not ‘see’ that as he probably has the sense of entitlement. I think if you start out slowly with the boundaries {you decide when/if he contacts the son}…..As far as doing the 3 ‘C’s, try not to get into a mental & verbal war with the ex. That is exactly what he is wanting is to have that communication, and a sense that he is ‘getting to you’. Yes, you do feel defeated, and sometimes feel like the crazy one~ this is all the methodical way the Sociopath breaks you down. I would suggest when having to deal with him, it is as brief as possible, to the point and nothing more. Provide the consistency in your home for the children {with boundaries in place}. Will the ex ever give up his character assassination of you? Some don’t. However, you are also the parent, and as long as you are loving those children, providing a safe {non abusive home}, reinforcing good behaviour, not bad mouthing the other parent, your children will grow up and know that you loved-unconditionally. Yes, your in a very very difficult situation, keep the modified no contact in place, and remember, he is no longer in control of your mental/emotional thoughts. Society is so uninformed about the true character of a Sociopath, and the depths of their manipulation. All you can do is keep moving forward, try not to get pulled back into his crazy, and figure out what boundaries will work best for you and your children.

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    • Jon Collins

      I appreciate what you wrote. I have been married 20 years and have 3 beautiful kids. I am now ready to get divorced and try and start something new (and safe). Can we chat?

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  6. Army of Angels

    You put this very well. It is hard to hear that we must remain positive in front of the kids about the person who used and abused, but it is more important than we could imagine. With kids who are a little older, teaching them to observe behavior and think for themselves is a very valuable skill.

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