A Healing & Informative Site About Narcissistic Sociopaths

The Disappearing Act

How many times has the Sociopath in your life disappeared? Do they read this book?

how-to-disappear-book-cover

No, they do not. Remember, a Narcissistic Sociopath has terminal adolescence. They should never have to explain what they do, how they do it, or with whom. So when they disappear, only to re-appear do not expect an explanation. And if you do get one, most assuredly it will be a lie , lame excuse.

A Narcissistic Sociopath can disappear for a few hours, to a few days, even a few months with no warning at all. Why do they do this? They will most likely tell you it was because of you! Either something you said, something you didn’t do, or maybe you didn’t feed the goldfish the right way. But the real reason they disappear is they are always moving forward, looking for something to validate them. Be it another person, drugs/alcohol, living a dual life, suffer from panic attacks just to name a few. They get this validation by being able to be completely disconnected from whatever it is they are doing, and elevating themselves above it and/or them {a person}. With you, there is a constant need for reciprocated feelings of love, compassion, truthfullness  and so on. Because the Sociopath cannot {or does not} reciprocate your feelings, you are draining them. And we know that is not how a relationship with a Narcissist Sociopath works.

Sociopaths are hypercritical, and also very needy at the same time. They are hypercritical about  your whole being, your family, your friends, even your career, but at the same time they need you to make them feel good. When they are not getting the ‘feel good’ from you, poof! They disappear. If they feel you are being critical of them, poof, they are gone! If you confront them about any number of things ie: lies, infidelity, commitments not kept, once again, they disappear. A Sociopath does not feel they need to be accountable {remember the terminal adolescence}, therefore, when they re-appear the last thing they want, is to have to give a truthful reason why they disappeared. But again, most likely you will just hear more lies, and their delusional justification.

You will not and cannot change the Narcissistic Sociopath. You also cannot stop the disappearing acts. By allowing them back into your life when they do this, is telling them their behaviour is acceptable to you.

“Such silence has an actual sound, the sound of disappearance.”

suzanne finnamore

©SociopathLife.com

27 Responses to “The Disappearing Act”

  1. Brianne

    A covert narcissistic male associate who’s ass I’ve pulled from fire countless times but has always treated me like i am not good enough to date, recently admitted that one of his heros is Andy Kaufman (awesome comedian by the way) and just like Andy, you can never see the real Jason. Hes in his own words ” just a conman, manipulative liar for my own amusement”. Those were HIS WORDS! Said to me when everyone he normally relied on for supply wouldn’t put out! So he comes to me telling me this stuff and says about who people think he is “Remember Andy Kaufman?”
    And it all totally makes sense! I’m not even saying Andy Kaufman was a narcissist, but to do the Kaufman all day long for your whole life, well, that’s fucked!

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  2. Jenna

    A narcissistic “friend” had me believing for so long, everything was my fault. I noticed every time I or a friend stood up for ourselves, the friend would rage at us and then came the stonewalling, the insults, belittling, threats to use her flying monkeys and proxies on us. Basically she was a coward, she dished it out but couldn’t take it. This article has helped me more than any article. My REAL friends and I decided to never have any contact with her again, we are tired of being her source of torment supply. She got pleasure out of bullying us, and we have had enough.

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  3. Garnech

    Yeah.. I almost 40 days no contact with my sociopath x. I feel free over his hot mess of a life. His demands and his immaturity. Its crazy how he wanted me to “OBEY” him. HUH? Obey your abuse and selfish ways? I think not my “Dear”. One these days.. he will learn this his not his world.. This is God’s World..And
    I promise you..every single one of them.. gonna reap what you sew.

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  4. Michelle

    THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! Reading all of this for the first time has me in tears!! I am NOT crazy! I have been in a relationship with my bf for 5 years now and he is currently M.I.A. as I am typing this. For the past 3 years I have been saying that there is something wrong with him, there is something missing in his brain. He pulls disappearing acts once every couple of months and EVERY time he comes back he says it is my fault. The way he can twist everything around on me and lie and manipulate is sick. He told a couple of people that I do heroin (which is not true) just to get the attention off of him for being out for 3 weeks and missing his son’s (twins) first birthday. This is so helpful. Everything I read is describing my relationship with him. Reading all of this answers my question, “Is there hope for him/us?” No, there is not. He has NEVER taken responsibility for any of his actions. Even blames everything on his ex’s for their relationship not working out. He swears he is the BEST at what he does for a living but cannot hold down a job. Thank you so much for this. This really makes me feel like I am not the only one and there is light at the end of the tunnel.

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  5. ohhohhmyjoy@gmail.com

    I met a man who I trusted and loved implicitly. I now know he is a full blown psychopath and end stage alcoholic. Once he started acting really really strange, I knew there was no hope. In my last and final conversation with him, we both knew that he couldn’t bullshit me anymore. That’s when he turned on me and then ran away.

    This man has plowed his way through everything and everyone and in his sick distorted thinking still thought we all loved him for how great he thought he was. I feel ashamed of him in every way.

    I am very fortunate to have escaped this disaster. He was a walking disaster zone, extremely self absorbed with no loyalty of any kind to anyone, a mere resource based robot, the epitomy of utter manipulation and a con in every way.

    There is Karma though. He is a walking time bomb due to the end stage alcoholism. As a narcissist (same BTW as a psychopath, even though most narcissists would never admit it) , he is impermeable, doesn’t believe alcohol will take him down. It is all in his head. I believe he is very close to death from alcoholism. It used to hurt me to know this, but he has disappeared forever and I know that I will never see him or talk to him again on earth as living human beings. I’ve come to accept that he is very sick in many ways and that as a 67 year old, there is no hope for him. On his pictures, he already looks dead.

    There was a point where I just knew I couldn’t stand the disappearing acts one second longer and that is when I confronted him and he decompensated into a 2 year old. He is still 2 at 67, very very disturbing.

    I believe he is capable of just about anything. I didn’t recognize “it”(him) at the end. He was like some completely crazy scary dangerous sick rabid animal, very very scary.

    I am fortunate to be safe and never to hear from him again. NOTHING could ever make me trust anything he does or says again.

    I believe he is dangerous to whoever he interacts with in every way. It is so utterly disgusting to know this about someone I once loved implicitly, but he is not and never was the nice lie he made himself to be. He has been rotten to the core for a very very long time, but I think as he got older and became an end stage alcoholic, he was no longer able to hold up the mask of normality.

    The truth always comes out if you don’t know how to keep your mouth shut (impulsivity) and psychopaths really are impulsive and can;t stop themselves, just like the 2 year old they are emotionally. In many ways, this is emotional retardation (disguised for a short while when they want to appear to look normal). NO amount of talking, love or support an put a dent in this. t is permanent, set in cement, unalterable, unmanageable, unable to be channeled or contained for any length of time. Spend 2 months with them emotionally and the mask will slip invariably, without exception if you are perceptive enough to see it and courageous enough to face the truth. Courage sets you free with compassion and acceptance and joy and happiness return to your life, ONLY and as long as you stay permanently without him:)

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  6. Jennifer Lee

    Thank you thank you thank you!! Your article & each and every comment has brought a smile (and the odd chuckle) to my face 😄 and i mean that in the nicest possible way…after somehow stumbling upon these disorders only a week ago & being an emotional sobbing wreck reading all the signs & it hitting me like a brick that this is my on/off bf, this is my life i can now see the humour in all these other people telling “my” story. This is what will get me through & i thank you all so much from the bottom of my heart xXx

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  7. Brighterdaysahead

    My ex used to spend huge amounts of time cruising Facebook for fresh supplies. He made no attempt to hide it from me. However, since we separated, his activity on FB has dwindled to the point (his profile is visible to all and we are not friends on there btw), where I am actually a bit concerned that he has ended it all and am now lying at home in an advanced stage of decomposition :-). Having no friends left, he won’t be found any time soon. When I met him he had already spent 6 years trying to get over his past girlfriend, who dumped him after 8 years of abuse, humiliation and financial chaos. When she left the country to go back home, he took out loans in her name in the amount of $50,000 to get her back. He is a cocaine addict, alcoholic and bong head. In all the time, I knew him, he never went thru a day without being under the influence of something. Only thing he didn’t abuse was reality. I wonder what happens to a narcissist if they really do hit rock bottom? Do they become reclusive and spiral into further self-destruction. It’s not that I feel sorry for him, because he could do with a wake up call of some sort. During the past 5 months of us being together, he rarely left the house, slowly but surely lost his amazing physique and turned flabby to the point, where his boobs were beginning to compete with mine in size. Don’t know why, but I would love to know that karma is slowly, but surely working it’s way on him leaving him with less than what he had to begin with, which was basically nothing any way.

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    • Tela

      Thank you for your comment. Each and every Narcissist is individual in their destruction. Some do hit rock bottom, but is that a wake up call? Not necessarily. The biggest ‘wake up call’ for them is to recognize and admit they do in fact have an anti social personality disorder and to do something about it {most do not}. Some become reclusive, only to resurface to be more abusive, more destructive and so on. I think most everyone will agree with your statement about Karma working……it would make things a little easier to accept if you knew they were getting their comeuppance 😀

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      • Brighterdaysahead

        Thanks Tela. I guess the desire for him to be enlightened and feeling remorse in regards to his own behavior is more about me wanting to find meaning somehow…and closure. Two things that will never happen, I know.

        Liked by 1 person

  8. eoftheu2014

    And this is why for the last couple of weeks, when he turned on the charm, I said “no thank you”. It is difficult to avoid someone so close during the summer months … BUT … I don’t have to be a part of his foolishness. I still see the women, some of been gone for months and they return. I’m certain he recycles his lovers. I am not a recyclable and feel better about myself that I have turned down any offers for the foolishness. Don’t want any, no thank you!!!

    Great post Tela. You certainly pegged “The Disappearing Act” perfectly.

    Liked by 1 person

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    • Tela

      Thank you EoftheU for your comment. It is amazing how much you can see what he has/is doing now that you are on the outside. It makes one wonder how they so easily suck you into their delusional world. As you said, no more foolishness 😀

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  9. afterthepsychopath

    Oh my… That hit hard. I cannot even count how many disappearing acts I have witnessed. Not one, not ten, not hundred. But the last one was the most hard-hitting one, of course. And it was – indeed – as you write – my fault he ran off (and stole my money). He has even talked about me online. Told people how I abused him. How he is an abused man. I wondered why he would say such a thing? He said I had screamed at him and cried so much and called him names. I asked “do you mean when you beat me up?”. He said “ouf, why do you have to talk about that?”. I mumbled “well, because that was why I screamed, and I think the abuse was when you hit me, not when I screamed”. He said “I’ll just go now, I can’t take this”.

    Liked by 1 person

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    • Tela

      Hi Kristina, you experienced the worst Disappearing Act, he left all together never to return. And I know how hard it has been for you to try and make sense of everything when there was no closure. Nothing makes sense on how he could be so cruel, so heartless and just POOF, disappear. As you know, it was not your fault! He will never take accountability for his actions, abuse, and vile behaviour! Thank you for your comment! ~hugs~ to you ❤

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  10. tojesmula

    So validating to read how needy they are, as my narc used to say to me (often) if I ever asked for anything or ‘complained’ about anything, “You’re soooo needy.” I even asked other exes if they’d thought I was needy when we had dated and they said no. I knew I was being WAY more accommodating with narc than I’d ever been with others, so it really made no sense to me at all! Once I figured out he was transferring all his crap to me, things started to click., and your post today just validates it further. Thanks!

    Liked by 1 person

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    • Tela

      When I read your comment, my first thought was ‘yep, you cannot ask a NS for anything‘…. And sadly you do becoming WAY more accommodating for a number of reasons ie: to keep the peace, to make them feel if we ‘do more, they will love us’ and so on. It’s a terrible situation to be in, and one that is never resolved until your away from the abuser. Thank you for your comment.

      Liked by 1 person

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    • Tela

      Thank you JustMe for the comment. I hope you my post can help you make sense of it all, and that no matter what you said/did/gave it would never be enough. In a Sociopath world the saying “less is more” is not true. They operate with the ‘more, more, more and still more’ and when even that is not enough, they disappear. ~hugs~ 😉

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  11. 18mitzvot

    When my NP returned, he did blame me and then the unspoken threat became “If you don’t obey me, I’ll leave again.” Of course he was off having sex with other women. Narcissists have the life.

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