A Healing & Informative Site About Narcissistic Sociopaths

Anger

“Anger is just anger. It isn’t good. It isn’t bad. It just is. What you do with it is what matters. It’s like anything else. You can use it to build or to destroy. You just have to make the choice.”

A Narcissistic Sociopath can and will instill anger in you, that surfaces frequently. This anger will surface during and after the relationship. Why is this? Let’s start with the beginning……

You met your soul mate…your forever one. Nothing but happiness, joy and contentment. You think ‘wow, I finally met my perfect mate’. Then slowly, almost silently, things start to change. A word or words are said that make you angry, which then makes you get angry with yourself for over reacting to their words. This cycle continues and the anger becomes more frequent. Now instead of just words they are saying, their actions are making you angry.

You are now in a perpetual state of ‘why can’t i say anything right’, ‘why do they keep doing those things’, ‘why are they constantly attacking me, my friends & family’, ‘why do they keep lying when I know the truth’. Ultimately the Sociopath is emotionally destroying you and this anger is just one cause. Do they do this maliciously? Not necessarily. The words and actions done by the Sociopath are because they have very little true feelings for other’s. They are also deeply angry and resentful underneath their charming exterior, and with this, they feel entitled to say and do things to cause the anger in you.

After the relationship, you find your anger is directed not only at the things your Sociopath said and did to you while in the relationship, but also the time you spent giving of yourself, making concessions over and over for them. You may find your getting angry because you haven’t heard from them. Or you are angry because they will not return a text/call or email. Or they do send you a text/email and it is more lies words cutting you down.  You may be angry because you know they have moved-on to someone else {rest assured they will also destroy their next victim}, and you can’t understand how they so easily walked away. Or maybe your Sociopath has had a ‘change of heart’ and wants to try again {this is a dangerous pattern to get into}, and your angry with yourself because your heart and head are on 2 different pages. Your angry because now you are having to fight for custody and/or visitation and wading through piles of lies and character assignation.

Anger causes resentment, which could in turn cause hate. Yes, you hate what has happened. And that is totally understandable. Now you have to work on letting go of the anger…..it will not ‘fix’ anything, it will not ‘un-do’ the past, and it will slowly eat away at your core.

“Letting go gives us freedom, and freedom is the only condition for happiness. If, in our heart, we still cling to anything – anger, anxiety, or possessions – we cannot be free.”    thích nhât hanh

©SociopathLife.Com

25 Responses to “Anger”

  1. dave

    It has been five years after a ten year friendship with a sociopath. I was close to him more than any other person in my life. After all I did for him and his family, he was coning me. I am mad at myself to be tricked and I believed the things he said, which was all crap. I am still mad at him, because how can a person really be so envious and evil. I live one day at a time now. I still can’t let go of the anger I have. I have been in therapy for two years and wonder if I will ever be me again.

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    • Tela

      Thank you for your comment. I hope, in time, you begin to let go of that anger. You asked if you will ‘ever be me again’….yes, however, a different ‘me’ than you were prior to the friendship with the Sociopath. Holding onto the anger is still allowing that person to have control over you….which as you know, is that last thing you want.

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  2. afterthepsychopath

    “Or maybe your Sociopath has had a ‘change of heart’ and wants to try again {this is a dangerous pattern to get into}, and your angry with yourself because your heart and head are on 2 different pages.”

    ^^^^ That is exactly where I am at the moment. I don’t feel angry. My angry was used up this spring, I think, but I feel disappointed in myself. I can’t believe I still love that man. Where is logics? What are these bonds made of? No contact is the only cure. But I seem to behave like a heroin addict having a ready made needle presented every time he tries to contact me. I’m staring at the needle. I so want to grab it. Can somebody please remove it before it is too late?

    Great post. All your posts are great. I am so grateful you are writing your blog. Thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • Tela

      Kristina, it is completely normal to feel the disappointment. But please keep in mind, being a ‘normal’ {i hate to use that word like this} human, that can actually feel the bonds of a relationship ie: love, compassion, honesty etc. it is extremely difficult to understand how your partner could and did not feel those. That is where the disappointment comes in, we tend to think it was ‘us’, that we were the one who failed the relationship {& the partner}, we were the one with all the issues. But that is so far from the truth. Your abuser conditioned your mind into making you second guess yourself, your values, the core of who you are. This is the silent systemic attacking they do {and in your case physical as well}.
      As far as behaving like a heroin addict, I believe everyone who comes out of a relationship with a Narcissist Sociopath, Psychopath needs to have closure. They need to understand WHY they were not loved in return, HOW could someone so coldly walk away. So when you do hear from the abuser, you want so much for them to say “I made a mistake” or “let’s try again”….you just simply want some validation that 1. there is
      nothing wrong with you 2. they do realize how much you loved them 3. you just want them to be who they were in the beginning. So yes, you may feel like an addict because at one time he brought you so much joy/happiness/ contentment and you want ALL of that back. However, as you know, that will never be. Keep being strong! Keep fighting that urge, you don’t want to have to start over again!

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
  3. 18mitzvot

    I like this part. Well said.
    “After the relationship you find your anger is directed not only at the things your Sociopath said and did to you while in the relationship but also the time you spent giving of yourself, making concessions over and over for them. ”
    So many concessions. ..
    The SN takes from you until can’t separate your own wants from theirs.

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  4. Magpie

    Spot on! ive been misdirecting my anger for years now, i direct it at things that are “safe”. Things that dont bite back like Tiger did, if i expressed my anger to him it only ever escalated the situation so i learnt to twist it onto other things. I was expressing it but not at him. With him i would talk calmly using the phrases “i feel” and “i like it when” as all the relationship people advise is the best way to communicate. Non blaming, non judgmental ways of communicating but these ways dont work with people like him as there is no communicating.
    Im learning my own tricks now and identifying my anger and trying to learn to release it, hopefully constructively.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • Tela

      Thank you Magpie~ and your right, there is really no way to talk to a Narcissistic Sociopath, your thoughts, your feelings, your opinions, needs/wants etc are of NO concern to the Sociopath. Keep working on letting go of that anger….it can become self-destructive if you hang on to it. Thank you for your comment 😀

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      • dav

        See, Their are times when I can’t believe they don’t care. How can a person go into a relationship with another person for only a reason to get what they want.

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  5. armyofangels2013

    Yes! The hate and lies I listened to got very predictable…like he had nothing new to add – ever. It is a vicious cycle, and I stayed in it 13 years and 2 children. Then came the anger at myself for allowing myself to be manipulated and lied to…that took some work and forgiving of myself. I still battle that one at times. This post was an excellent reminder of how toxic that situation was!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • Tela

      AoA it is so completely natural to direct the anger inwards at ourselves. Just as long as we let go of it afterwards. It’s a learning process as you have to basically learn how to love, trust, think & feel all from scratch! Thank you for your comment- !

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
  6. Hiding2014

    Reblogged this on Over 40 – Dating and Everyday Life! and commented:
    “‘wow, I finally met my perfect mate’. Then slowly, almost silently, things start to change.”

    “Now instead of just words they are saying, their actions are making you angry.”

    “why do they keep lying when I know the truth’. Ultimately the Sociopath is emotionally destroying you and this anger is just one cause. Do they do this maliciously? Not necessarily. The words and actions done by the Sociopath are because they have very little true feelings for other’s. They are also deeply angry and resentful underneath their charming exterior, and with this, they feel entitled to say and do things to cause the anger in you.”

    “You may be angry because you know they have moved-on to someone else {rest assured they will also destroy their next victim},”

    All the above things I have restated above really hit home with me. Sometimes reading someone else’s blog helps – because you don’t feel so isolated and alone. Thanks Tela!

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
  7. herestill

    Was your ex diagnosed? Must be a cut and dried case with custody surely?

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    • Tela

      People that do have children, it is not always a ‘cut & dry’ custody. Because the Sociopath is so adept at manipulation, and lies, the parent is usually battling not only for custody, but also for their character. The only way for a Sociopath is to win~ at whatever cost to any other human, including their own children. And yes, he was diagnosed. We did not have children. Thank you for your comment.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
      • herestill

        No problem. I suppose not having children was a massive relief in the aftermath? I know with my own experience it is absolutely anything at all costs. They don’t give a shit. Worse is that they don’t even realise they should give a shit. Being the opposing party though there is a (admittedly puerile) sense of delight when things don’t go their way. They can’t see to cope or understand it and start throwing wild conspiracy accusations around. It’s all fun!

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      • Tela

        ” Worse is that they don’t even realize they should give a shit”…..oh so very, very true!!! Great comment! 😉

        Like

      • herestill

        No doubt we would swap stories for hours! LOL. Take care.

        Like

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