A Healing & Informative Site About Narcissistic Sociopaths

Killing With Kindness

confusion

I wrote a post about Confusion & Chaos  and how Sociopath, Narcissist and/or Pyscopath’s create such chaos in our lives. In this post, I am going to help explain the confusion put in place by kindess. 

In the beginning of your relationship, it was all hearts & flowers. Emotional compatibility. Sexual compatibility. Shared goals, similar lifestyle. The list is endless!! And then you blink your eyes, and bam! A total emotionally disconnected person is before you. Yes, they still looks the same, but their entire being is not the person you fell in love with.  Introducing your Sociopath, Narcissist and/or Psychopath!!

Now that you know what type of of person you are now involved with, you will find yourself being Killed With Kindness. Once he has you where he originally set out to put you, on his agenda of destruction, confusion of kindness will be one more thing you deal with.  When they are needing more ammunition (to be used against you), or more fuel (to keep up with their fake persona), or any type of financial gain, they will turn back into the kindest, caring, compassionate man. He may take you on the most romantic perfect date. Or you might come home to dinner, bath by candle lite. Or he may even offer to visit your family with you!! He could even encourage you to go out with your friends. There may even be gifts involved. You will have endless conversations again (without all the ugly/hateful comments). His text messages will be filled with love, and longing to be with you. Emails will be sent in joking (instead of attacking). Or you may receive text messages/emails with sexual undertones that you were so attracted to.

You find yourself thinking “YES! He is finally back to his old self“, but don’t be confused. This is who they are, in a perpetual state of chaos. There is a constant  mental and emotional pushing and pulling done by Sociopath’s, Narcissist and Psychopath’s. This pushing and pulling is done to keep you off-balance to what is actually happening in your life. Because Sociopath, Narcissist and/or Psychopath’s have difficulty with any long term commitment, they bascially have two modes of operation about themselves. Kindness and Hatefulness. You now understand how their mind is constantly in ‘spin cycle’, no forward, no backward, just crazy spin. So they draw you in with the Kindness and push you away with the hatefulness. It is very hard not to fall back into believing your Sociopath, Narcissist when they are being kind. We want so much to believe them during these calm moments. And we tend to hang onto these moments because this is the person we fell in love with (we thought). The words of kindness, and actions of kindness are what we crave! Because Sociopath’s and Narcissist are so over the top with their kind words and actions, we want this to be the norm. Instead, they are in all reality Killing Us With Kindness. 

The Devil Is The Author Of Confusion. benhamin disraeli

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22 Responses to “Killing With Kindness”

  1. hey_there_Delilah

    I somehow missed this post while reading all the others but it was just wonderful and thank you for explaining the “spin cycle” so well as its exactly what I experienced. The confusion didn’t last long because I discovered what he is, but even the short amount of this total craziness and confusion he got me to doubt my own sanity and feel worthless. I love how you ended this post, it describes it perfectly. The 5 weeks I spent with the sociopath really felt like a hurricane! But why is it that once we go no contact we still think of those amazing memories from idealization instead of their cold, heartless discard and all the damage they caused to our lives? To come back into my life after the coldest discard I could imagine and to then still call me a soulmate and the one and the love of his life is what caused the most confusion and made me feel worthless. So yes, you’re right, it’s these glimpses of kindness that were realy killing me the most because it just made no sense for someone who is my soulmate to heartlessly discard me just days before after all I have done for him.

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    • Tela

      Thank you Delilah for your comment. I know even in the short span of your relationship with the Sociopath, it has left you wounded, scarred, and in a state of ‘why’. And you still think of {remember} the wonderful feelings you had while with him, the kind lies of words spoken to you. And you are trying to make sense how someone was so ‘perfect’ could just leave you like yesterday’s garbage. I’ve said it before. A Sociopath does not, cannot, and will never connect on a normal emotional/compassionate level. Ever! You are just one of many prior and one of many several women to come in and out of his life. That is the sad reality.

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      • hey_there_Delilah

        That’s exactly what it is, Tela. Those thoughts keep coming back into my head,
        Those memories and the feelings, and I guess I feel so sad that I know I will never experience such intensity again because of course it can only be experienced with a psychopath because they create it on purpose and it just doesn’t happen in normal relationships (before this sociopath all I had was normal healthy relationships so I never knew about this at all). Yes the only thing that makes sense is that it was all lies and that he never cared about me, because normal people who care about someone don’t just coldly discard them like you described it “like yesterday’s garbage”. It didn’t make sense that he would change in less than 24 hours like that, from the warmest to the coldest person. And If something doesn’t make sense, it can’t be true. So I know it was all lies just for him to have fun and see how bad he can dupe me and how much he can make me lose for him. And now knowing all this should make me hate him but instead I still think about him even if I have been nc for ten days now! Why is that, Tela? And how long does it last? I just want to move on with my life and forget I ever knew this sick user.

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  2. FireWalker

    It was this cycle that my therapist used to show me that I lived in an abusive relationship & had been for 17 years. Great post!

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  3. eoftheu2014

    Excellent post! I now subscribed to Maya Angelou’s way of thinking “When someone shows you who they are, believe them.”

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    • Tela

      thank you @eoftheu2014.wordpress.com. I have read many of her readings. What a fabulous, inspiring woman she is! cheers~

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  4. StrongerSoulSurvivor

    Thank you for explaining the ‘spin cycle’ so eloquently Tela. Hearing it phrased like that, I understand how (and importantly, why) my abusive ex was able to so swiftly switch between demonic madman and Prince Charming personas. It always kept me off balance. Now I know why.

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    • Tela

      Thank you @avalancheofthesoul.wordpress.com. I use the term ‘spin cycle’ frequently in my blog as that is how i equated the relationship with my narcissist sociopath. And even still, when he will do a re-appearing act, and being removed from the spin, I can see how i was so easily caught up in it! Like I said, there is no moving forward or backward in their life~just spinning through like a tornado and leaving nothing but destruction in their path’s. 🙂

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  5. Tela

    OMG! I’m sorry, but i laughed…..like i have in the ‘all about me section “If these relationship’s ended like ‘normal’ ones, there would be a lot of therapist & counselors out of a job- “. This ‘experience’ (do we call being involved with someone who absolutely destroys our emotional/mental well-being an experience?)..has motivated me to pursue my PhD in Psychology….If anything, to help myself better 🙂 .Thank you for the comment, you made me smile on this craptastic day i’m having!!

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  6. Teela Hart

    I was told by a therapist “he literally loves you to death.” I was shocked and didn’t know exactly what to do with that statement so I filed it under crazy.

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    • Tela

      Interesting statement. Odd, however, given the fact that most do not ‘love’ in the emotional sense. Is is ‘love’ in the control sense? THANK YOU! For this comment!

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  7. harmonioustew

    that’s true–a sociopath knows that charm is an effective weapon from the arsenal of manipulation. being occasionally kind is also a good way to keep “loved” ones off-balance and make you feel guilty for doubting the sociopath’s intentions. thanks, by the way, for liking my latest blog post. your blog certainly looks intriguing!

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    • Tela

      thank you @harmonioustew.wordpress.com. I did smile about my blog looking ‘intriguing’…it’s just the sad reality of what i went through, and learned, (still learning even away from the Narcissist Sociopath).

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  8. Tela

    In defense of you, SWIM, I could actually ‘hear’ my Socio in your comment ‘Just another way to get what we want”…..i could hear his voice, flat, cold, heartless saying that! This is no way is reflected toward you~i guess i should have explained WHY for that split second it pissed me off……i making this more confusing i think..lol. And I’m sure your very well aware of your behaviour, i suppose it’s the damaging effects from a Sociopath’s behaviour that leaves the deepest wounds/scars. 😦

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    • SWIM

      “Flat, cold, heartless” This is how we think. Not having the same emotional responses as most people means that we rely heavily on logic and are able to switch very quickly between states. We’re also very good at invoking a desired emotional response in others to manipulte them, not to mention the fact that we get bored easily and will do things purely for amusement.

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    • Tela

      Thank you @10111swim.wordpress.com for you comment. And for a split-second, it just pissed me off to read it, since I was in the pushing and pulling of my Sociopath’s kindness for far to long! But then I told myself, I have to respect your blatantly honesty about my post. And, also the fact, that you do admit to being a Sociopath. So thank you. 🙂

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      • SWIM

        We think differently Tela, I’m certainly not here to piss you off. I enjoy reading your posts as they make me think about my own behavior

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