A Site For Learning About Narcissist Sociopath

Female Sociopath

Statistically there are more male sociopath’s than female. Because there is not a database as such for ‘documented’ Sociopaths this statistic is made up from  Martha Stout Ph.D and her book ‘The Sociopath Next Door’.  The National Mental Health Institute says it’s 1 in 100 and that it’s more likely to find Antisocial Personality Disorder (the DSM-IV term) in men.

I believe it is harder to identify Antisocial Personality Disorder, specifically Narcissistic Sociopath in women as often times they have been labeled the ‘vindictive ex-wife’, or the ‘crazy ex-girlfriend’. These women can also portray the helpless victim mask, therefore gaining more sympathy and more {false} credibility. Society as a whole, tends to overlook female Sociopaths simply because when a relationship with a female Sociopath falls apart they are usually labeled the crazy ex-whatever. Sociopath women lie so easily and without conscience, that when the relationship with their partner falls apart {after they methodically and systematically destroy it} they can make their partner out to be a worthless, horrible human, (when in all reality, she probably sucked the life out of him). When a man has been a victim of a Female Sociopath, usually one of the above labels is given, {crazy ex-girlfriend, vindictive ex-wife ect} instead of a Sociopath and/or Narcissistic Sociopath.

Female Sociopaths are mentally and emotionally destructive liar’s, cheaters & deceivers, etc. They are extremely self-centered, and she is always right! Some female sociopaths may be unable to care for their children, providing the unconditional love and nurturing. Her children are just another ‘object’ to be used against the father. The children are often used as a supply source for her. Or in some cases divorced sociopath women with children will use them to gain sympathy from a new partner. These children can grow up feeling like an inconvenience to their mother’s, as they are also emotionally and mentally manipulated. They are also, in some cases made to feel inadequate, and never living up to their mother’s standards. Some female sociopaths are emotionally disconnected from their children, causing the ‘whiplash’ scenario, leaving the children with a deep craving for admiration. Could this be the beginning of some Narcissist?

Many of these women ‘appear’ normal in the public setting, but are verbally and emotionally abusive in the private setting. The Female Sociopath needs to be dominate, and she does this by being verbally intimidating and emotionally manipulative. She will systematically attack your personality, your objections, your displays of emotion, and your questions. She does this to obtain her supply source, {boost to her ego/dominating factor} They want do this with  little or no regards to your needs and wants. To a Female Sociopath the end justify’s the mean’s.

Female Sociopath have a high sex drive, and in case studies, sex is not just good, it is over-the-top good. They are also very sexually promiscuous.  As with this sex drive, they use this as one of the many manipulation tools to attract her next victim, she  will use sex to her advantage, unbeknownst to the male.  She will appear sympathetic, caring, concerned and display all the empathy/sympahty emotions, when in all reality she is pulling you in closer to keep the control for personal gain.  This could be for material possessions, financial reasons, or reassurance that she is ‘the one’ (when she in fact may have several ‘one’s on the side). If a Female Sociopath feels she is being exposed,  she may turn up the passion, and give you the false sense of  security that you have nothing to fear. Or you will begin to see the Narcissistic Rage(s) if you haven’t already. She may be setting you up to leave, so she will keep you emotionally and physically close. Female Sociopaths can show fake their emotions if they are caught, and blame perhaps a one incident {yet you know the incidents are repeated behaviour}, on someone or something else, never taking accountability. Some men are so drawn to the physical aspect with a female Sociopath that when they catch their partner, girlfriend/wife cheating and lying, they tend to believe the lies more easily because the female Sociopath can turn on the sex factor, play the ‘pity card’, or cry rivers of tears while expressing how “sorry” she is etc.  Therefore this puts the man back into the spin cycle of crazy and the false sense of security.

Women sociopaths are PTA mom’s, soccer mom’s, the ‘girl next door’. They are brutality emotionally and financially destructive. Female Sociopaths have a better time manipulating the court system (as they prey on the sympathy) of lawyer’s, judges etc, and can fake show their tears much easier than men. These women easily manipulate the court system in their favour with financial judgments, all done by made up lies about the man, false documentation, and coerced  ‘statement’s’, thus leaving the men financially ruined. Male victims of a female Sociopath not only have to grasp what they just went through, and accept the hard blow to the ego, but they may also have to fight the ex in the court system for custody, and/or shared custody. And this usually is a very tough battle, as Female Sociopaths have many labels they can hide behind. {ie: these false labels can be physical abuse, financial destitution etc.} And society as a general rule of thumb grants custody to the female parent in most cases. Once again, when dealing with a Sociopath, the same amount of emotional and mental devastation, financial loss, friendships destroyed etc. are not gender specific. Female Sociopaths are just as viscous and vindictive as the male Sociopath. They can make you feel inadequate, violated, and a need to control each and every situation.

Here are a couple of traits of female sociopaths. I believe Narcissistic Sociopath is not gender related, these people just have different names and faces.

  • no real values
  • secret lives: hiding money, friends, affairs
  • slow to forgive: holds onto resentment
  • high blaming behaviour: projects faults onto other’s {even her children}
  • repeatedly fails to honor financial obligations
  • constantly seeking admiration
  • she breaks her man’s spirits to keep them dependent: she has a viscous way of cutting you down
  • undermines your ability to make choices
  • she has to be right~she has to win: whatever the situation may be. You will find yourself just ‘giving in’ to keep the peace
  • lacks ability to see how she comes across to others: be it verbally, or her actions
  • she announces, not discusses ~she tells, not asks
  • she does not listen because she does not really care: your opinions and/or complaints are an annoyance.
  • she exudes very little empathy and/or sympathy
  • You feel miserable with this person as she is draining the life out of you.


17 Responses to “Female Sociopath”

  1. Logan McGregor


    Great post. A couple of follow on points as someone who tried to build a life with a female sociopath.

    First, a female sociopath’s sex drive is a puzzling thing. Some of the literature (and your post above) indicates that their sex drives are very high. I experienced some confirmation of this, but then again, when the sociopath starts to devalue the target, her sex drive seems to disappear.

    A friend suggested why this may be the case: For a sociopath, sex is a weapon that is used to attain power over the target. The minute the sociopath does not need to have full control over the target, she no longer feels the constant impulse to use sex against him. I’m not sure if this makes sense, but I do know this without a doubt: sociopath females don’t emotionally connect through sex, and that’s the dead giveaway that you’re not dealing with a normal woman.

    Second, you are absolutely right that lying is EFFORTLESS for a sociopath. Normal people have trouble understanding this in two ways: 1) We have all lied, but lying takes effort and causes guilt for a normal person. Not so with a sociopath; no emotional or mental resources need to be spent by them during the original lie or during the cover up period. 2) Sociopaths can effortlessly lie about large and small things – to them there is no difference. My ex lied about little things (e.g., oh no, I actually got everything done at work today) to big things (e.g., my ex is so bad because he defamed me on Facebook and called all my friends to spread lies about me). To sum up, lying takes no effort at all and they can lie about the most important, emotionally significant issues.

    Third, near the end of your essay you nicely point out that sociopaths “make you feel inadequate, violated, and a need to control each and every situation.” This is absolutely true. The question is WHY do we – at a deep, subconscious level – mark the sociopath as important enough in our lives to make us feel this way? Why, in other words, do we invest in them after the red flags emerge – or after they’ve already done something awful to us?

    I’ve read a lot of the clinical literature and the stuff written by bloggers, and I still don’t have a good answer. Even Martha Stout’s excellent book (The Sociopath Next Door) only gives a partial explanation (i.e., we invest in the sociopath because she constantly plays upon our empathy). It’s a very tough question, but one thought a friend shared is that sociopaths are adept at flipping that switch deep inside the mind that transforms a new friend/lover/girlfriend into something like a family member – it’s as though we treat the sociopath as blood, that is, as someone we cannot maintain boundaries with because we owe her some kind of unconditional fealty/love?



    • Tela

      Logan~ Thank you so much for this great, great comment. I absolutely love reading this from a man’s side as most men do not talk about it. I will try and give you my reason why you keep the sociopath in your life and make them important enough. When you love someone, you love them because of their faults (not in spite) of them. And you think on some deeper level when the red flags are raised if you just love her more she will stop the lies, stop the reckless behaviour, stop the total disconnect from you. But loving her more only feeds her spin cycle of crazy~ she never connected to you on that love level. Men are the protectors, by society standards therefore you want to protect her from herself! And again, because you are able to live in a constant state of ‘reality’ and she does not, you keep putting forth the effort to try and get her to understand her lies are LIES How she is treating you is not acceptable, and you are just wanting her to validate your real issues and real concerns that SHE is the problem in the relationship and you want her to take ownership of it. I believe you hang onto her because you just want her to say one time “you are right Logan! There is something wrong with me and I have treated you like shit”….but as you know, she will most likely never admit to any fault. Sociopaths are also able to very easily make you dependent on them in a sense, as if you somehow maintain contact, she will then realize what she has/had with you, even though you know nothing positive will come out of it. She also will play on your emotions possibly by letting you know she ‘moved on’ and you will ‘never have anyone like her’ etc. I think again, the reason is, as a normal functioning male, you want her to take accountability, you want to ‘fix’ her, and you just simply wanted the deep passionate love you actually had and felt for her reciprocated Hope this made some sense. And thank you again for you fabulous insightful comment.


      • Logan McGregor

        Hi Tela,

        Thanks for that detailed response. I really do appreciate your taking the time to think about that particular question, as it’s been bothering me for quite some time.

        Let me work backwards with your response. When you say that as a normal functioning male, I naturally want her to take accountability – that really resonates with me. Absolutely true. But one of the things that initially puzzled my friends (red-flag events occurred early on that were hard to keep private) was that I wanted accountability from her, from this woman that 1) I had only known a few months, 2) that I was not married to, and 3) that I had no kids with or blood connection. That surprised my friends, and in turn it surprised me as time went on.

        Near the beginning of your note, you said the most profound thing: I must have felt that if I loved her MORE she would eventually come around and reciprocate my affection and authentic feelings. This is profound, and in a way, it captures the logic behind my behavior. If she did something irritating, thoughtless, or cold, I would set aside even more time to sort it out. I’d work even harder to reconcile. And so incentives were upside down – I was in a way incentivizing bad behavior on her part.

        But there is something about my frame of mind when we were dating that doesn’t reflect the idea that loving her “more” or “better” would turn things around. Specifically, when I was dating this woman, I did not actually expect her to change quickly in response to my efforts to understand and empathize with her. The mental posture was more akin to hoping or wishing than it was to expecting. Does that distinction make sense to you? In addition, I for some unknown reason wanted to see this woman become more open, less hateful, less cynical, and more receptive to living the kind of life her natural talents would support.

        Thanks again Tela.



      • Tela

        Hi Logan~
        I personally do not think it matter’s the ‘length of time’ you know and date someone to be concerned about red-flags. There was something about this woman that initially attracted you, therefore you were willing to invest into a relationship with her. Perhaps the red-flags that you talk about early on, were so out of character {as far as other women you dated did not do whatever it was these red-flags were}. So you kept investing more & more into the relationship hoping to either; 1. stop whatever the red-flags were, 2. try and understand what is what she was saying/doing or 3. perhaps thinking in time whatever she was doing would stop? You obviously felt some sort of connection with her, be it physical, emotional, mental or all 3 and continued on. And like you said, even surprising yourself.
        I think most people involved with a sociopath do exactly what you say about ‘incentivizing bad behaviour’. Sometimes it is as if sociopaths posses a child’s mind in an adult body, and we are trying to teach them that their mean, hateful, deceitful behaviour is not acceptable. And we fail! We cannot ‘fix’ them. {I hate to use that term}
        Your last statement about ‘hoping & wishing’ rather than ‘expecting’ resonates with so many people who have been involved with a sociopath. Female Sociopath truly are good people, somewhere inside their convoluted mess of conscience. Because there are so many levels to their Personality Disorder, and usually lifelong behaviour, that they truly do not see where they are emotionally disconnected, verbally abusive, and walk around with a self-entitlement attitude. They just do not see that. This is learned behaviour that has been in place long before you came into her life.
        Please email me: telahill1@gmail.com


  2. revgerry

    Great post, very insightful about something not commonly written about. Maybe you should put in a query letter to mens health, etc. for a published article? Thanks again for the award.


    • Tela

      Thank you Gerry. I also see where the person who has sociopathworld.com blog has been clicking this post on my blog….and then they posted this today “Dear M.E.,

      I am a journalist in the Washington, D.C. area planning to pitch a story to [a women’s magazine about sociopathy. To prepare a good pitch I need to find several people under the age of 30 (the [magazine] demographic) who have had some sort of relationship with a sociopath.” REALLY???????

      As http://oliosc2011.com/ posted on his blog about the “Troll News Update” I guess Sociopathworld {a troll on my blog} :D took it upon themselves to take your kind comment on MY post and ‘pitch their story’….if they would only look closely at my blog and see my post are ©©©© copyrighted ©©©©©. Oh well…..


      • revgerry

        Tela, I’m sorry that happened, what happened next? did you confront the person?

        And my idea still holds, you can pitch the idea to a MENS health magazine – how rarely do men get real information about crazy women?

        Have been inordinately busy with deadlines and not feeling well…but am coming back. I hope I can respond properly to your wonderful award this weekend.



  3. SWIM

    Hi Tela,

    I’m unofficially nominating you for the Liebster award (I’ve cheated and changed the rules to better suit me so you’ll have to head over to my page to pick it up).


    • Tela

      Ahhhh SWIM, so kind of you!! And I just love how you ‘changed the rules to better suit’ yourself….another of your typical sociopath trait! And it made me laugh :D



Your Thoughts:

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Basic HTML is allowed. Your email address will not be published.

Subscribe to this comment feed via RSS


Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 422 other followers

%d bloggers like this: